Saturday will be the 27th day of my cycle, and also, it is the day that I am due to rejuvenate within. As much of a burden as that is physically, it is a liberating release to shed my body of the hormones washing me in emotion. It seems that my body is in a state of rebirth as it is currently undergoing a transformation of cycle, again. My month is getting shorter, my hormones are getting stronger, even my scent has evolved.
In a test of my hormonal patience, yesterday my son exhibited his first teenaged rebellion. Poor timing, child/man.
My frustration and disappointment in my son's choice, interwove itself with my newfound, pre-menses emotions. They have been spilling over into other aspects of myself and my soul today.
I began with anger, FURY. Then calmed down into disappointment. The emotions made their way over to the romantic portions of my heart where they found insecurity, longing, and doubt. Now, I feel despairing and filled with sorrow. My eyes brim with tears and there is something stuck in my throat.
I do not know why I am so saturated.
But I feel like drowning in them. I feel like allowing them to caress my skin and tell me I am unworthy, unloved, and alone. My mind and my heart know this is a lie, and my soul rests on this knowledge. I do not ACTUALLY feel unworthy, unloved or alone. But these lies are dancing on me... slithering up and down my skin.... weaving themselves among the truthes, trying to camouflage.
Last night, my fury with Aidan evolved into my feelings toward men and past disappointments. In the past, I have been so elated during the beginning of a new relationship, I have said that I'm only going to live in the present and enjoy today. But tomorrow came and I was brought to my knees with sorrow because the expectations of the joy promised by today, was not lived through. And so I am holding back myself, I am giving this man an opportunity to prove me wrong, but I am learning from yesterday. I will live in today, but I will not expect a tomorrow, nor will I hope for one.
My hope in men or relationships has been drained. I do not request a man to refill it, because it is not in his power. All that I can do from here forward is to cease eschewing men and relationships from my life, open myself to them as far as I am comfortable, and expect nothing.
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