Jessiepalooza

Phase 3...

2011-05-26T12:16:00.000-07:00

Saturday will be the 27th day of my cycle, and also, it is the day that I am due to rejuvenate within. As much of a burden as that is physically, it is a liberating release to shed my body of the hormones washing me in emotion. It seems that my body is in a state of rebirth as it is currently undergoing a transformation of cycle, again. My month is getting shorter, my hormones are getting stronger, even my scent has evolved.

In a test of my hormonal patience, yesterday my son exhibited his first teenaged rebellion. Poor timing, child/man.

My frustration and disappointment in my son's choice, interwove itself with my newfound, pre-menses emotions. They have been spilling over into other aspects of myself and my soul today.

I began with anger, FURY. Then calmed down into disappointment. The emotions made their way over to the romantic portions of my heart where they found insecurity, longing, and doubt. Now, I feel despairing and filled with sorrow. My eyes brim with tears and there is something stuck in my throat.

I do not know why I am so saturated.

But I feel like drowning in them. I feel like allowing them to caress my skin and tell me I am unworthy, unloved, and alone. My mind and my heart know this is a lie, and my soul rests on this knowledge. I do not ACTUALLY feel unworthy, unloved or alone. But these lies are dancing on me... slithering up and down my skin.... weaving themselves among the truthes, trying to camouflage.

Last night, my fury with Aidan evolved into my feelings toward men and past disappointments. In the past, I have been so elated during the beginning of a new relationship, I have said that I'm only going to live in the present and enjoy today. But tomorrow came and I was brought to my knees with sorrow because the expectations of the joy promised by today, was not lived through. And so I am holding back myself, I am giving this man an opportunity to prove me wrong, but I am learning from yesterday. I will live in today, but I will not expect a tomorrow, nor will I hope for one.

My hope in men or relationships has been drained. I do not request a man to refill it, because it is not in his power. All that I can do from here forward is to cease eschewing men and relationships from my life, open myself to them as far as I am comfortable, and expect nothing.

Cubic Zirconium

2011-05-26T00:28:00.000-07:00

I have been the protagonist of poetry written in effort to woo or entice me.

I have played the muse to a lyricist.

I have brought strong men to their knees, requesting requite for their love.

But to all these men, I have been a means to an end.

I have been a fantasy.

None of these men have put forth the effort to discover the soul beneath the woman.

None of these men have truly loved ME.

This is the cornerstone and mortar to the walls that surround my sashay and flirtation.

Laminin

2011-05-25T23:54:00.000-07:00

I'm the one who holds it all together.

I'm the one who is the glue.

I put the wrong right again.

I sacrifice and I love.

I am strength incarnate.

Even when it is my turn, it is never my turn.

Where is my heart when my heart needs me?

Where is my heart when I need it to be strong for me?

Where is my love when my heart is hurting?

When is it my turn to be vulnerable?

It is not now, for I am strong.

My fortress needs me.

............................................................

The Lord is my Strength, I am not my own.

...........................................................

2011-05-25T23:22:00.001-07:00

Calm me, O Lord, as you stilled the storm,
Still me, O Lord, keep me from harm,
Let all the tumult within me cease,
Enfold me, Lord, in your peace.
~ Celtic Traditional

Fury

2011-05-25T23:01:00.000-07:00

It is rare that I am furious.

My body doesn't recognize the anger.

I feel like there is a simmering boil in my heart.

I don't know if it's anger or disappointment,

it's both.

They are dancing, making love, and laughing.

Anger and disappointment.

My peace and self-control have them caged,

but they act like burlesque dancers in that cage.

I am not a circus ringleader, I don't know how to tame a lion,

and right now

I feel angry, disappointed and powerless.

I don't want to sleep.

I don't want to speak.

I don't want to shout.

I don't want anything.

I just want to be alone and be angry.

Awake, oh Sleeper!

2011-04-26T23:48:00.000-07:00

I once feared the ice.
. The cold and brittle that can surround a warm heart; snuff its flame.

I once feared the chill.
. The coolness of a cavalier attitude.

It was in this frozenness that I laid all my worries and fears about people. I layered and scattered them throughout the tundra.

I had once blazed so hot, that I can remember the magnitude of my fire... though ash now remains.

My heat was blue.

Sometimes, I wonder if that fire can reignite. Sometimes I wonder if I can stoke it.

Sometimes, I enjoy my ice castle as I sit here with my old foes...

Sometimes, I long to burn within.

Frozen suspension is an ambivilant torture beyond a pyre.

2010-09-27T19:43:00.000-07:00

Sigh, life. Every time I think I have a piece of it figured out, I’m proven wrong.

Sometimes it is a good thing.

I have it all figured out, but I’m being pessimistic or throwing a pity party.

Then I’m proven wrong and feel warm and fuzzy all over.

Sometimes it sucks.

I have it all figured out and things are going to be a-okay,

and then I’m proven wrong. Things go terribly awry.

This time though, I’m done trying to figure it out.

Today one of my girlfriends asked me when we know what God’s plan is. I told her that we’ll never know, but that it will unfold regardless. I think this is a turning point for me. I’m just accepting what God is putting in front of me.

In church yesterday Nate put up a quote that said,

“letting go doesn’t mean giving up hope, it means giving up control.”

I have struggled and struggled with the issue of control.

I keep saying that I will give up my perfectionist attitude (with me constantly failing because I am FAR, FAR, FAR from perfect!) and I will stop trying to control everything around me. But I always fail and fall short, how can a perfectionist stop being a perfectionist without failing???

The idea in and of itself is controlled failure to control!

Anyway, when I said that to her it was evidence that I truly have embodied and given in to the fact that I do not control my destiny, other people, or God. No amount of begging can persuade God to give me what I want, because only He knows what I need. No matter how much I think I know what I want my future to look like, my future continually gets given to me today in a manner that looks completely unlike my fantasy. Although, I don’t think I have been fantasizing big enough, because while aesthetically I don’t have my “dreams”, in actuality I have MORE!

When I decided to go back to college and give up the immediate idea of husband and more children, I thought that I was doing it to both earn more money and also do something interesting that might help people. What did I get? Stress, chaos, second-guessing… then when I finished school… I got a job that makes almost HALF of what I earned before. Yikes! That’s not the financial payoff I was expecting. I got a job that goes to people’s homes (some homes are very, very dirty) and tries to guess the ways people need help, and then encourages and assists them to help themselves (I had imagined a business suit, fancy office, and my own receptionist).

But HOLY SMOKES!

I hadn’t dreamed big enough!

What I REALLY GOT:

· A sister who calls me up, chooses me over all the family who live close by and whom she has known her whole live, and asks for me to rescue her. Now she is living with me (indefinitely) and I have family! No more loneliness asking God why he has made me such a stationary nomad without family.

· A job with all coworkers who are Christian, and who build each other up. Coworkers who aren’t in competition with one another, but rather encourage one another’s success.

· A job that was recommended to me by a woman who I had once loved as a sister, and later loathed. A job that every day reminds me that both this woman and I have changed from friends, to enemies, to acquaintances, and to… who knows what, but that people do change and it is a wonderful thing!

· A paycheck that pays the bills and provides enough gas money to rescue sisters in their times of need.

· A paycheck! And whether it’s more, less, or the same as I made before I’m grateful for it!

· The opportunities for trainings and experiences that I would not have if I were sitting in an office, wearing a suit and asking my receptionist for coffee.

· I get to help at a church were some of the MOST AMAZING people I have ever met also help. Every single time I leave The Way I feel so lucky to have gotten to be there for those few hours.

I got a son who loves and values his mother, his friends, his education, his church, and himself.

I got a heart of gratitude.

And that makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE!

dead air

2010-09-27T19:25:00.001-07:00

I have not written on this in a long, long while.
So I thought that maybe today is the day.
I don’t know what I have to say, maybe nothing.

Maybe the page will remain blank and this will be a piece of wasted space.

I should end it right now… because that would be funny to post.

2010-07-22T21:48:00.000-07:00

Men.

or are they boys, trying to pretend to be men just long enough to get you hooked.

It's not the destination, it's the journey

2010-06-08T11:01:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a girl and a little boy. They were okay. The girl took the child by the hand and she led him through the dark woods, fought off scary monsters, and prepared picnics next to calm streams within meadows, as well as lunches atop grizzly mountains.

The child was unaware of the peril and turmoil raging so near as he was hypnotized by her song and the skip-to-my-lou she danced as she led him by the hand.

The girl had slain the fear each time through the light and hope in her heart. She knew beyond a shadow of doubt that her Heavenly Father held her other hand. Rather, she wasn’t guiding the child, but herself being led and rescued.

Sometimes she would confide loneliness to her Father above. She would tell him about how much she loves her child and how happy it makes her to hold his hand and sing. Though, now and then, she wishes for someone tangible to help her lead him though the dark woods. Someone to help her read the map, because it is written in riddles and there is no promise of a grand destination drawn (other than her Father’s house which is unreachable for the time being).

So, He grants her the relief from her lonely heart. He promises her comfort for the moment. So he sends her friends to visit her on the road from time to time; a friend for wise counsel, and one for comic relief. He sends her a friend whose journey has been more perilous than hers and who needs her more than she needs him. He sends her friends to distract, entertain, support, confide, dream, dance, and intellectualize.

But each friend has his own journey to either trudge or waltz. So while some companions travel with her for long periods, years; and some come in and out quickly, she is happy in their company and sad at their departure.

And as always, the two constants in the girl’s life are the child and her Father.

And the merry-go-round of friends and of dark woods versus calm meadows sometimes spins her around dizzyingly.

Until she drops.

And stops.

And plops down.

To sing to the child, and to rest against the strong chest of her Father, while He strokes her hair; while He sings in her ear; while he gives her refuge for the moment. And her weary legs rest and revive. Her lonely heart heals it’s lonesomeness as it finds its joy in the child’s singing.

She looks up at her Father, looks him square in the eye, and says, “Thank you.”

Then she adds, “When you think I am ready, will you bring me someone who doesn’t dance in, and then dance out? Will you bring me someone who will dance to my song, and love it? Father, will you bring me someone who will take your other hand so we can all journey this together?”

The girl doesn’t always know if she’s going the right way. Sometimes those monsters are scary to fight off all alone. Sometimes her hand gets sweaty and her voice hoarse, and leading the child now and then becomes burdensome.

She conveyed this to her Father, and she trusted Him to follow through because she knows His capacity to love is even greater than hers. She knows He wants her safe and happy.

So she gripped the child’s hand tighter and sang louder because she loves, and she is loved. She continued through the forests, meadows, and monsters with the knowledge that love conquers all and she can always find rest in the song of her Father. She can always lean against His solid stature.

Together, the girl and the child sing. Together, they skip-to-my-lou. Together they love, and together they wait.

We Try To Be Who We Are Not

2009-04-03T18:44:00.001-07:00

This was inspired by several people who have expressed frustration with members of the opposite sex and what they have noticed as a pattern in their lives. It was actually a couple emails I sent to encourage them and I have merged together. Happy reading!

Jessie
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We try to be who we are not. Or we try to figure out the intensions of our suitors. We second guess our worth, personalities, etc and tread cautiously. When we do this we are removing ourselves from being defined by God and we are not only defining ourselves (ourself) but we are doing it on a standard we THINK is desireable.

If the old cliches are true: we are our own worse critic or our own worse enemy, then what give us the right to manipulate or create our own definition of our worth? Isn’t it awkward and ironic that when we hold the bar to our own personal gold standard of self-value we always fall short... How sad and sorrowful! To be our worse enemy and yet also be the judge of our own character. No wonder people give up. How liberating it is when you realize that our father is so much more forgiving than we are (hence The Lord's Prayer).

When we find our self-definition based upon God's grace and by being authentic then we live our lives in states of happiness regardless of the circumstances surrounding us. We are no longer defined by who we think others want us to be, but rather, we are content in who we are. How awesome is that! To just be happy being you.

Sounds kind of like a kid, huh? Just because we're responsible adults doesn't mean we can't have a childlike sense of self-worth (not to be confused with a childlike sense of entitlement, which is a confusion quite often mistaken in today's society I fear!).

I know that I succumb to the world's definition of me. I have to remind myself fairly regularly and pray a lot to ask God to help me see myself as the woman he sees. I work with children quite often and you know, I can see SO MUCH potential and worth in them. These beautiful little personalities and hearts and they have NO IDEA of how wonderful they are. They are so wrapped up in the hardships of their little lives; it's so pervasive that they forget that they are just little buds, they haven’t bloomed yet. Doesn't our Father see that same thing in us? He sees our insecurities, finger pointing, blaming, gossiping, etc. and thinks about how if we could just acknowledge our beauty we wouldn't need to stoop to that in order to provide our false sense of worth/beauty. He wants to show us and wants us to THRIVE in it.

When we look at the systematic effects of finding our worth outside of ourselves and outside of God it leads us to our friendships and love relationships. When you spend your time burying your head in the sand in order to avoid the places that don’t live up to your own self-expectations, your true colors eventually show. This is where I find many of my friends and acquaintances when they are in life crises.

And the problem is that when push comes to shove, both you and your partner will feel duped at your phoniness and it will be too late. You really aren’t all the things you’ve claimed to be, things you thought you were, or wanted to be and couldn’t. When it comes out in the wash your lover or friend is so disappointed in who you really are that you turn around and find yourself alone. But you know what else, the people pleaser is going to be just as freaked out as his lover when the true colors show. He won’t even know the person he sees in the mirror: A person without definition when all the socialites waltz away. This happens because often times we fake it so good that we begin to believe ourselves.

What a nightmare that would be! To have times get tough, your true colors show, and it had fooled everyone, even you.

The strong muddle through it, strap up their boots, take their identity crisis head on and find out WHO they are and who they want to be. The weak continue to mask it, hoping they can fake it til they make it.

Your life is not a dress rehearsal. It is not a play where you get to have seven acts playing someone else, and then go on to the next show and new character. Eventually someone sees into your heart and loves you for what they see. How comforting to know that they love all those things about you and they are REALLY YOU. Love God, love yourself, love others, and watch yourself reap the bounty of blessings that follow! You can’t help it, you’re not focused on what you’re lacking or missing – you only have love.

What I Want

2009-02-22T14:17:00.000-08:00

Maybe it will be love at first sight.
Maybe it will be someone who I've known all this time and never noticed romantically.
Maybe it will be someone who I hate when I meet.
Maybe it will be a coworker
Maybe it will be someone I meet at one of the psych conferences.
Maybe it will be a handsome stranger pumping gas.
Maybe it will be in ten years.
Maybe it will be tomorrow.
Maybe it will be never.
Maybe I already had my chance with him and blew it.
Maybe I could play the maybe-game all day and never meet him because I'm so busy with my head in the clouds.
Maybe I should not worry about it because it will happen when it's meant to.

no.

sadly

I don't think he has come.

I want a man who sees me the way my friends see me. I want a man who doesn't look at me as a sexy woman. Who doesn't see me as a successful busines woman. Who doesn't pigeonhole me. I want a man who sees the radiant woman that my friends see and love. I want a man who SEES that and who loves it. Who wants more of it.

I don't want a man who just sees that my friends love me. What I have to give. I want a man who loves me the way my friends love me, but who loves me MORE.

that's what I want.

i know that I can't get that with instant gratification.

I know that is the kind of bond that is built in time.

But it's so frustrating to want something that is so transendant and deep and to refuse less. I am happy in my single state of being, but I do feel a bit of a missing piece. I am tiring of fighting the good fight alone, I am ready to accept the idea that I do not have to be an army of one. But I want the fighter with me to be the one who will fight to the end. I want him to be my faithful friend as well as my lover under the stars. I want him to stir my heart and stimulate my mind. I want my tears to find a safe place on his chest and in his heart, and I want my joy to radiate from his toes to his fingers when he is in my presense.

and sometimes

I wonder

is that too much to ask for?

but I resoundingly shout NO! NO IT'S NOT!

I am not asking for an adonis. He does not have to be without flaw. There is not a requirement for his profession. there is no preconceived notion of what he will do, or look like, or say. But our love will speak volumes and sing poetry. Our arguments and fights will resolve with our devotion. That is all I want. I want a fighter, not a quitter.

doncha make my brown eyes blue

2009-01-07T22:48:00.000-08:00

Gosh, right when I'm feeling so happy. I'm done with school. I kicked butt in boot camp today. I have friends who love and value me.

I have said that I would love to get my doctorate in Sac or at Stanislaus State because I would love to be closer to the Darlings. Well, I was looking at my little sister's page and I found a weird person that said, "Mr & Mrs. Darling". I clicked on it and it led me to another page. On October 18th my brother Mike got married. The whole family was there and no one told me or invited me. It's been almost three months.

I just feel like crying. No wait. I am crying.

It's times like this when I feel everything crumble around me and I remember how my mom left when I was pregnant. It just makes all my happiness seem so flacid. Why do things seem to come so easy to some people? Why does God see it fit that I have to be all alone? Why is it that if I want or long for family I have to turn friends into family? But my friends have their own families...

Why does it seem that when I'm content, it has to end with tears?

I just hear my mom, "Sometimes life's not fair, Jessie."

I feel like I need a hug right now and the only person to hug is fast asleep because it's a school night.

I didn't choose to be a nomad. I stayed in Redding. I was married. I was engaged. I was a good wife and an even better fiancé. I learned from my mistakes. I have tried to make family. I have loved with my whole heart and soul.

I don't understand.

I don't have a bitter heart.

I help people.

Why don't I sow what I reap?

I don't understand it.

Why am I all alone in my apartment?

Why do I work so hard in school? I work so hard to be a good mom. I’m a loyal friend. I'm a good employee. I do adopt a family. I change careers so I can help people. I pay my bills on time. I don’t live beyond my means.

I build people up instead of tear them down.

You don't leave from interactions with me feeling inferior, but feeling loved and valued and respected.
I try to be self-aware and fix the problems.

I am a peacemaker.

So why?

Why do I sit here and cry when I hear that my brother has been married for three months and no one told me? Why did no one tell me?

Why does my mother adamantly tell me for months that she has plane tickets and the day off work and then cancel the week she’s supposed to come admitting it was a lie? No wait, she didn’t admit it, she had a cavity and needed a filling. That’s why.

You know, my mom moved to Texas when I was 19, unwed and pregnant. She just packed up one day, took my brother and left. She had purposely never let us meet or know our fathers or have relationships with her side of the family. So when she left, she left me all alone. This devoutly “Christian” woman told me to have an abortion and come with her or stay here and figure it out.

I’ve been doing it on my own. I tried being married to his dad, but he was crazy. Literally.

I was engaged and I loved him so much, with all my heart and soul. But he was a philanderer.

I’m not running away from relationships. I’m TRYING. I’m doing my best. I’m making a mountain out of a molehill in a good way!

I even had the best compliment from a stranger that I was truly and genuinely happy. He could see the fruit of the spirit amongst the crowd.

So I don’t understand.

Lesa has car accidents gravitate to her.

I have family leaving or forgetting me.

I guess God knew this was my lot and that’s why I was pregnant at age 19? He gave me family?

Christmas 2008

2008-12-25T17:08:00.000-08:00

Interestingly I put on a random podcast sermon from one of the churches I like to listen to and the sermon was titled, Pursuing Divine Health. Tonight is Christmas Eve and tomorrow I’ll be going to Catholic Mass even though I’m a Protestant Christian. As you also know, I firmly believe that things happen for a reason. I just picked this podcast at random and this is how it started (I’m going to take a few moments to transcribe the first few minutes).

"Many of you know that video the Catholics put out, isn’t that amazing? Wow! John Arnett sent it to me this week… And there was this healing that the Lord’s doing and thankfully in the U.S. Protestants and Catholics get along better than in other parts of the world. And Mexico is one of the places where there has not been a cross-pollenization for whatever, for reasons I don’t want to get into right now. But one of our dear friends and part of our network, Angel, pastors a great church in LaPaz where our ministry is… anyway, Angel sent me a note this morning because he’s been working on reconciliation with the Catholics in the area. He’s been just initiating this, he’s just becoming a Kingdom minded person. And sometime ago he went to the Father and asked if it would be possible if his church, which is not a wealthy church at all, could provide shoes for all the kids in the orphanage. And they did, they brought Christmas gifts. … and what has happened as a result of that is off the charts.

Angel's note said: Last night they called a prayer meeting. About 3000 people gathered in the gov’t plaza in LaPaz. Most of them Catholics, but many of them other branches of Christianity. We all joined to pray for Mexico in a first time ever event. We had never had Catholic and Christians praying together in our country. But at the end of the event I raised my voice to ask forgiveness to the Catholics because we had built walls instead of building bridges. A great ovation was heard when I hugged the Bishop. It was even more powerful seeing other Catholics and believers hugging each other and expressing forgiveness.

I know this is a new day. New things are about to happen here. Revival is here. We are making history."

12-25-08

During Mass I went into a meditative prayer three times. During prayer I was thanking God for everything He has given me and asking Him to lay his hand on me. I was asking Him to listen to this choir through my ears. I was asking Him not to let me slip away or worry about things that are insignificant to his plan for my life.

While in prayer I found myself with tears streaming down my cheeks. I was not feeling sorrowful. I was not in grief, mourning, or sadness. I was in gratitude! Gratitude indeed!

I was thankful of all the ways that the Lord has blessed me. When my family left me, I was given a son, friends and love. When I was in my dire period, burned out from school, work and motherhood and I was pushing away my friends- A new position at work opened up which paid me my same wage with less stress; I was brought to the friends who are genuine and truly my sisters in Christ. I was brought to new friends who have shown me such love and encouragement. I was brought to people who genuinely believe in me and in God’s plan for my life. I was so grateful for all that and more, and because of that gratitude I cried thanks. I cried tears of happiness and blessings.

I don't know why I cried, I just couldn't stop. I was oblivious to the people around me, I didn't hear the singing or the priest, I just heard my prayer and the words of my heart. The cry of my heart. The song of my heart!

After Mass I went with Evelyna and her family to Christmas lunch at the Holiday Inn. They had to go pick up E’s mom and father-in-law, so I arrived at the restaurant about fifteen minutes ahead of them. I sat there with my Bible in my hand and once again, bowed my head in prayer. I thanked God again for all my blessings, I don't think I can thank him enough, He is SO GOOD. Then I asked him to read my heart and see what I longed for. I asked that he would go in and read me and guide me to find the scripture that would make sense to me and for my life. I didn't know what I wanted or what I needed to hear, but I trusted that He did. I asked for something that I could look to when I needed to feel security and to feel reassured that He knows my heart.

I ended my prayer and ran my fingers along the edges of my Bible. This is the Precious Moments Bible my mom got me for my 12th birthday. It’s beat up, written on, scribbled in (little brothers!) but it’s my special Bible and I doubt if I’ll ever buy an adult one because this Bible is so special to me. I flipped through the pages a couple times and opened the book and looked down.

I opened the Bible to Psalm 63.

O God, You are my God;
Early will I seek You;
My soul thirsts for You;
My flesh longs for You
In a dry and thirsty land
Where there is no water.
So I have looked for You
in the sanctuary,
To see Your power and
Your glory.

Because Your lovingkindness is
better than life,
My lips shall praise You.
Thus I will bless You while I
live;
I will lift up my hands in Your
name.
My soul shall be satisfied as with
marrow and fatness,
And my mouth shall praise You
with joyful lips.

When I remember You on my
bed,
I meditate on You in the night
watches.
Because You have been my help,
Therefore in the shadow of Your
wings I will rejoice.
My soul follows close behind
You;
Your right hand upholds me.

This reminds me of a part of the blog I wrote on Nov 8th:
This woman sings of His love for her with every step she takes because it is His hand which has held her up when she has felt like crumpling into the carpet. It is His shoulder she has cried upon when school and work have found her weary to the bone. It is the heartbeat in His chest that she has listened to when she has laid alone in her bed, lonely and longing. It is His words of comfort that she has read when she just needed someone to understand, looked around, and found no one to empathize. It is in Him that she finds the courage to press forward when the enemy glamorizes the ease of giving up and giving in. It is through His eyes she sees herself in the mirror when the enemy reminds her of the weight she's gained during these years in school, work, and motherhood. It is His value of her worth that she fights for, not the enemy's lies which place her worth in her waistline or in the opinions of men.

Christmas at The Office

2008-12-24T23:07:00.000-08:00

Who knew that I would get my best therapeutic techniques from watching The Office? Yep, I learned alllll about alcoholism and interventions. I thought I would share the wisdom...

---

if I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes I oughta be able to cut my way out of this.

this is equal parts scotch, absinth, rum, gin vermouth, triple sec and two packs of Splenda, I call it a One of Everything.

an intervention is a surprise party for people who have addictions. You get in their face and you scream at them and you make them feel really badly about themselves and then they stop.

when I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. my nickname was Puke. I would chug a fifth of soko sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people’s empties, some brewskies, some jello shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out. Wake up the next morning, boot, rally, more soko, head to class, probably would have gotten expelled if I would have let it affect my grades but I aced all my courses, they called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight B’s. They called me Buzz.

Intervention questions:
have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood or deliberately change your state of mind?
do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday?
have you ever, under the influence of alcohol, questioned the teachings of the mormon church?

Five fingered intervention:
Awareness
Education
Control
Acceptance
Punching

As it turns out, you can’t check someone into rehab against their will, they have to do it voluntarily, they need to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom, um, I think I can do it, I did it with Jan.

There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.

KE's Dream

2008-12-16T23:24:00.000-08:00

My friend had a weird dream and I emailed her about it. I was just digging through a Word file looking for my homework and I came across my response. During the holidays we have a tendency to feel forlorn and miss the people who were significant from our past. So I thought I'd share my email to her about her dream, I'm sure you don't need to know what hers was about in order to find the value YOU might need to take from my reply.

It was nice and reassuring for me to re-read too, I almost forgot that I wrote it! Ha!

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You still love him. Somewhere down in there, you deny it, you don't want it, but you do. But do you really and truly love HIM or what he REPRESENTS?

You've been feeling lonely and wanting intimacy.

Our hearts can romanticize the beautiful things in another person because we want what we think they can give us: stability, love, romance, companionship, the knowledge of who we are intrinsically. When we are vulnerable and we are meditating on one specific thing we begin to visualize it in our life. We are willing it to us. We are praying it to us.

But I think that sometimes our wires get crossed and we inadvertently get confused.

We left them. They left us. For whatever reason the love is unequally yoked. Even if both our hearts are still tied at the soul, in reality we still know it's not meant to be, or we'd be. So in our earnest longing for a love in our life we remember. Remembering fills the void. Remembering is tangible- kind of. Remembering is YOURS and yours alone and the only other person who can share that memory is him, and that makes you close.

I wonder if in your dream you were feeling those soul ties. I wonder if it was your way of calling out to love. I don't know about you, but I love to love. I love the little things that people overlook, I love to think about how I can surprise him and show my love in the everyday... That's what I love. It's not the receiving that gets me going so much, I don't daydream about what someone can do for me, but what we can do together or what I can do for him. I love to love! ***

You know, I have a sneaking suspicion that you're a lot like me. I think your dream was you calling out to love. Not calling FOR love, but to it. He was that last man you loved.

And if he is lying there dying, he can love you in return, he can accept your love, but he cannot show it back and you cannot be disappointed. So maybe it is also your heart's way of telling you to let him go. The old love that you hold on to. The old love is the love that you long for deep down. Maybe your heart knows that God has a new love for you. Because it's new it's foreign and you cannot long for it. How do you long for something you don't know? It's love, but it's a new love, a God love, a love more profound that you'll be able to say, "Wow, this was worth waiting for."

Either way, I think it's your way of realizing that the relationship you had with him is dead (as is he), that you two will always share something that will transcend other relationships (and that's okay & will not degrade your marriage relationship as that will be transcendent on its own), and that you are longing to give love and to be a helper. I do believe that you are growing ready as your soul is crying out to God and to your heart. I am certain that it will be sooner rather than later that your partner will come.

For now, REJOICE in your singleness. You know, I've never been on a missions trip and I've always wanted to. My son is almost ten and we already have passports. I wonder if there's a church going for a week, and I wonder how we would join them? Maybe you don't need a man to go on missions with you, maybe you just need a friend. Maybe, just maybe, your man is waiting for you to join him on his trip…

(***side note*** that's what I remember loving as like... it's been a long, long time... I wonder if I'm still that girl... yes, yes I am... I will always love, I don't know any other way to live my life but through a loving heart)

One of my infamous emails to a friend:

2008-12-03T00:29:00.000-08:00

One of my friends sent this article to me this morning and I just finished reading it. It totally made me think of you and how you have isolated yourself through fishing. Little comments you’ve made… I don’t know, I think my subconscious picks up on more things than I do and then I attach certain things to people. So please don’t take offence that I’m sending you this. It’s really just to show you what you COULD become if you allow yourself to dwell.

I do personally know what it’s like to reflect back. I was talking with Kathy the other day about how I pray that God will not bring me a man who is short and skinny (whew, good thing I don’t have any short and skinny guy friends!). She could relate to that feeling and assured me that even if he was a midget God would make sure I was attracted to him.

But I have this tendency to look around at my friends and their respective relationships, and then I inadvertantly find myself thinking about the few past relationships I've had. Then my thoughts take a turn for the worse.

Guys always want to “own” me. They want to talk on the phone every day, hang out constantly, know where I am and what I’m doing and with whom I’m doing it. They get in the way of my time with my friends and hate it when I spend an hour on the phone talking about nothing. I have to share the remote and watch stupid things like NASCAR. There’s complaining when I want to watch three episodes of What Not To Wear on a Sunday while I clean.

Is it too much to ask for healthy autonomy? Our own lives and lives together? Lives in Christ and filled with trust, love, understanding and commitment? Not needing to reassure each other all the time, but having a consensus of love? Is that a superficial ideal that I have created to keep people away? Are my standards too high?

When I look at the relationships around me I feel disheartened because I don't want what they have. They have power and control over each other. I don't want power over another person. I don't want to give control over me. I just want to love and be loved in return. So when I turn and see this "love" around me, I want nothing to do with "love."

Nothing.

I’ll promote love for everyone else, I’ll sing the happy song of the wonder and beauty of love. I will encourage second chances. I will point out that there is no perfect man or woman, I will illustrate the value of LOVE. Singing, dancing, rolling in my meadow of change, I will look you in the eyes and I will profess how deserving you are of unconditional love and acceptance, and I will sell you on the opportunity cost of risk… you will leave from our conversation or email refreshed and renewed in a spirit of hope and love.

But for me…

Oh for me…

I will not step on that plank. There are too many sharks in those waters!!!!

Heck no!

I don’t know how to bait a shark and then fend him off. I’m shark bait waiting to bleed if I even put a toe in the shallow end.

Wow.

I’m such a hypocrite.

How do I look in the mirror?

Oh, through rationalization and justification. When I’m done with school I’ll date. When I lose the freshman 15 I gained I’ll date. When my apartment is clean I’ll date. When I finish practicum I’ll date. When God puts His man right in front of me, on my doorstep with flowers and a card that says, “I’m your gift from God and I will not break your heart or try to control you.” THEN I’ll date…

I bet that sounds familiar to you too…

Something tells me that while you might not actually think all those thoughts, they’re floating around back there. They are whispering sweet nothings in your ear. They are tickling your thoughts and they are shackling your actions. They are your ball and chain. You are more committed to them than you have been to any woman.
Am I close???

Anyway, here’s the article that made me think of you. I thought you could get as much out of it as I did. I’m going to re-read it before bed too because I think my subconscious needs to hear it. That little voice in my head sure likes to point out potential rejections far louder than any potential acceptance…

Who am I to give advice?

I’m as scared as you…

OUR COMMON SORROW

by Hudson Russell Davis

Crosswalk. com Contributing Writer

Like yours, my heart is a library of loneliness, longing to be read, but most people come only to browse. All too often the real feelings go back on the shelf.
— Tim Hansel

One of Satan’s chief means of crippling us is to convince us in our loneliness that we are truly alone, not simply without a mate but without a friend, without help and without God—forsaken. He whispers that whatever cries we utter are spoken into thin air and deaf ears, both human and divine. He tells us that people do not care and that God does not care, but it is not so.

Everything that has overtaken us is common to humankind. We all suffer loneliness. We all suffer rejection. We all raise up hope only to know disappointment. This is true of the single and it is true of the married, true under the limelight of success and the clouds of failure. We all know, to some degree, what it is to be misunderstood or ignored.

This does not mean that our sufferings are not individual, not unique; it means we do not suffer alone. I cannot know the ways you have been cut or the bruises you bear, but I care. We can never truly “understand” but need only love. While it is wonderful if someone understands, it is better if they care.

Each of us knows a particular sorrow, but we all know the pain of loneliness and the hurt of dreams deferred. We could resolve not to dream, but that is not wise. We could resolve not to feel, but that is not practical. By never speaking we could withdraw from the dangers of miscommunication, but that is not human. It seems so simple—no dreams no waking horrors, no feelings no hurt, no misunderstanding no discord. Isolation is a natural answer, but it is spiritual suicide.

If we choose not to risk we loose ever so subtly, the sharp edge to our faith. Over time we become people whose lives are as bland as our dreamless nights. Over time we become the boring but safe people who squash the dreams of others and tell them they should be “realistic.” Over time we may convince ourselves that we are the only unhappy souls in the world. We may even come to believe that a tasteless existence is really contentment. It is not. It is a numb, anesthetized, existence that falls short of living. It is a coma.

Self-deceit would rather ask nothing of God than wrestle with the answers he does or does not give. Isolation would rather resolve to need no one than risk failed relationships—even failed friendships. Because that is what it will come to if we never make peace with the loneliness. If it is suppressed, it may one day explode.

If ever we withdraw behind our carefully constructed barricades and for fear of disappointment relinquish hope, we shut out wife, husband and all living things. That is the danger—numbness not only to the hopes and dreams we harbored in our youth, but numbness to all dreams and hopes that life naturally cultivates.

Years of loneliness can warp our thinking and sap our strength. In time we may imagine that over that dune and the next dune is nothing more than sun, sand—and loneliness. So many of you have shared with me you felt lonely and alone in your loneliness. You have been very kind in telling me that my honesty eased your loneliness. I want to tell you that you were never alone. Alone is what the desert makes us feel, but we are not alone.

Indeed not only do I suffer the same trials, but also many of those you encounter weekly as you suffer in silence. How do I know? They have written and told me—a stranger—what they were afraid to tell you. And you have written and told me—a stranger—what you were afraid to tell them. Perhaps some of you felt comfortable with me because I had opened my heart and because you need not look me in the eyes and fear my rebuke. I have encouraged everyone that they are not alone, but want to add one last charge: break the silence! Open up and let someone in. And if someone speaks to you, listen between the lines for the pain that words cannot express.

Be a safe harbor for hurting hearts. Paul writes, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2). You may find the comfort you have enjoyed here—in knowing my heart—closer than expected. Perhaps someone near you is waiting for you to break the silence and live by honesty. It is the surest turn in our healing to understand that we are not alone, that we share a common sorrow, a common longing, which is not our own private nightmare.

It is the Enemy’s greatest tool to cripple us, to isolate us in our loneliness. He then attempts to convince us that all the whispers and all the laughter is about us—that we are diseased or damaged and that everyone we meet knows it. But it is not true. He is a liar and the Father of Lies. There is no truth in him (John 8:44). Our greatest weapon is the faith we have been given in a God who loved us enough to rescue us “while we were still sinners” (Rom. 5:8). Our greatest weapon against the isolation is to confess both our love of God and our genuine longing to a living, breathing, person who can touch us and restore us in love.

Beware! Not everyone loves honesty. Those who have already given up hope will not want their memories stirred, will not want the embers poked. They fear disappointment. I fear disappointment. For some, who have found peace in simple answers, the complexity of a real God who acts in ways we do not understand and cannot explain will be too much. But if ever the Christian community is to rise above the charge of “hypocrite” we must come out of the shadows and honestly state that we are content but not satisfied.

Here, I will start: “Hi. My name is Hudson and I am lonely.”

Now you. ...

Starting from Scratch

2008-11-08T17:32:00.000-08:00

My mantra has been my countdown. It's almost like I'm Will Smith in I Am Legend and I'm keeping record of my days in this craphole of a city that was once so beloved and so familiar and is now so desolate. I see the remnants of the life I once had while I stoically hold onto the hope and knowledge that I will be able to put it right again. I am tormented by the awareness that this was all my own doing, the choices I have made, the songs I have sung, the poems I have written.

As I walk past a mirror I do not recognize the woman who passes.

She is beautiful and confused. She is happy and swirling. She is confident and self-conscious. She is scared and alone and filled with love and friends. She is one woman with so many contradictory thoughts and longings. She is the old Jessica, the one who was married and heavy and insecure and was living an after-school-special. She is the modern Jessica, the lady who was in love and athletic and living a fairytale. She is Jessie, the little girl who the grown-ups said "doesn't have a mean bone in her body." She is Jess, the fiercely loyal friend who takes on her friends' battles on their behalves. And she is a new person. A woman.

In a crux.

A new identity on the verge of blossom. A cicada nymph ready and yearning to shed her skin, depart from her borough and emerge in the daylight. After years as a chrysalis, I am screaming to be relieved of my cocoon!

I daydream of a circadian rhythm. I daydream. I can feel the sun on my face as the romance of my life-past dances across my closed eyelids. I can feel my body emerge from my bed, well rested and happy. I can smell my Madagascar vanilla red tea brewing in the morning as I lie in the dark of my living room before the sun has risen. I can hear the waves, the guitar and the melodic voice of the pilates instructor whispering from my television as I begin my workday before the world has risen. My lungs shudder in the piercing cold of the dawn as I run down the street to greet the sun, a song in my heart and a playlist in my mind. My eyes can see the pavement change from sidewalk, to gravel, to street, to gutter, to overpass, to my front step. My intelligence can remember its freedom of thought during those morning runs when it could run-wild. My derrière can feel the sofa underneath as I sit and snuggle while watching a movie or reading a book. My hands find the idle time used to chop vegetables and experiment with dinner. My teeth chew slowly and my mouth savors my meal. My lips smile as they laugh with friends because they know that there is no agenda for the next day or month and they can just relax and smile. My body is easy in its sway because it knows that its own agenda is to heal and love.

My soul lights like a candle.

And so I count the months, weeks and days.

And I hope and I pray that I don't disappoint myself.

But the difference,

the one small thing,

the tiny, minute, variance

of this new woman whose arms can feel that finish line and whose fingernails are prying through the opening in her shell,

is that her lungs fill with the cool, refreshing, hope-filled air of confidence in the Holy Spirit.

THIS WOMAN is assured.

This woman sings of His love for her with every step she takes because it is His hand which has held her up when she has felt like crumpling into the carpet. It is His shoulder she has cried upon when school and work have found her weary to the bone. It is the heartbeat in His chest that she has listened to when she has laid alone in her bed, lonely and longing. It is His words of comfort that she has read when she just needed someone to understand, looked around, and found no one to empathize. It is in Him that she finds the courage to press forward when the enemy glamorizes the ease of giving up and giving in. It is through His eyes she sees herself in the mirror when the enemy reminds her of the weight she's gained during these years in school, work, and motherhood. It is His value of her worth that she fights for, not the enemy's lies which place her worth in her waistline or the opinions of men.

This woman, this Jess, Jessie, Jessica, Jessiepalooza, Reindeer Love, this daughter, mother, sister, aunt, friend, student, employee, coworker, princess, child of God,

this woman is not going to stop,

she will not give up.

Remember, she is a lioness, she is in the grasses of the prairie chasing her change and embracing it.

She is connected to her feelings subjectively and objectively. She is dualism incarnate. A woman and a child, the past, present and future of her own making guided by the careful hands of God. Quietly listening for his direction, trusting in Him.

I am ready to love and to live, and this countdown is excruciating. But my-oh-my, will these lungs fill clean, fresh and true the evening of December 20th, 2008.

***after posting this I started listening to a sermon podcast, I arbitrarily chose one on apostleship. Five minutes in, the pastor says this:

There are two main ways to know what you're supposed to be doing with your life. The first one is, what do you love? … What you are passionate for you were born to do. And the second way that you know what to do with your life is, what are you afraid of?

How many of you know that the dogs of doom stand at the door to your destiny? The children of Israel were supposed to go into where? The Promised Land. How many of you know what they were afraid to do? Go into The Promised Land. What you're supposed to do with your life you'll be scared to death to do.

How many of you know that the dogs of doom stand at the door to your destiny? Many of us never enter into our destiny because the devil put the dogs of doom there? Whenever you get close to these barking dogs you know your destiny lies on the other side of that. What you're supposed to be doing, you'll be scared to death to do.

Jesus said, "he who wants to save his life will lose it." …

-----Welp, I don't know if you see where I'm going with this, but if you've been reading what I've written these past couple of years then you're having an a-ha moment with me. The dogs are barking! They're yelping! So then, I know that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and I gave up my life to save it.

Clean, fresh breaths fill my lungs! I will fill my lungs with words of invitation to God.

...sometimes moms have a way...

2008-10-26T22:23:00.000-07:00

Most of you remember last September when my mom had her plane ticket, days off work and was going to fly up to see Aidan and me... except that she didn't actually have the ticket or the days off, so she didn't come. That was pretty disappointing, and I will admit that I got the little-girl lump in my throat and my eyes got a little bit wet. Then I got so frustrated with myself for allowing myself that hope.

I'm actually over that. You know how much therapy they make you get when you're going into the field of therapy?!?! They don't want you bringing your baggage to the table when you have a client sitting in front of you. But tonight I read a blog that brought some of that up. It a good, healthy, sustainable sort of way. So when I read my friend's blog I felt compelled to send him a message. Then I remembered that I have a couple of you who can completely relate. So I thought I'd share... enjoy!

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Just don't let the crazy people in your life harden your heart to the good and loving ones out there. Just think to yourself that they are diseased. They may not have a tangible cancer, but their mind is black and that is not a reflection on your worth. Nor is it an example of the others in this world who claim to love you- or those in the future who will love you.

Nowadays, we have a tendency toward self-protection and it creeps up on us. It creeps so that we never see it coming. And sometimes some people never even realize it's there. Remember that. Hold onto whatever naiveté you might still have. Cultivate it and grow it. Love it like your lover. Let it grow as you think about how all those people passed you except that one van. Think about how he was probably going somewhere and stopped to go out of his way for a struggling stranger. Pay it forward.

Love for the sake of it.

Love because your mother doesn't know how.

Love because there's extra in this world, since she's so full of hate.

Let her have yours. Your hate. Shrug it off, don't own it, let her have it because you refuse to give into it. Let her have the sorrow of losing a wonderful man from her life. Because as you grow your love, you will be rich and she will be poor, and she will envy your riches.

My mom is similar to yours, but worse. Mine loves me. No. Mine pretends she loves me. She tells me she loves me. Then moves to Texas when I'm 19, unwed and pregnant. Mine loves me. She calls and tells me so. She calls and tells my son how much she loves him. Then she tells him how I ran away from home when I was a teenager and that if he ever needs to leave she will be there. My son was 7 when she said that. But my mom loves me. She tells me so. She sends me Hallmark cards with flowers and poems and sappy crap. That means she really, super loves me. My mom loves me so much that she was never here when I was despairing and needing a mother, rather I had a sofa, an empty apartment and my arms wrapped around my knees because I just needed a hug. But she loves me, and because she tells me she loves me so profusely, I forget not to believe her. I forget until I'm crying again.

Sometimes I get angry and I wish she would disown me. Because I grow my love goshdarnit. I grow it because I refuse to let her have it. I choose to love her. I'm better than her. When I tell her I love her, I mean it. When I cry in a disappointment in only tears she can elicit at the ripe ol' age of thirty, I mean every tear. I feel each one. You know why?

Because I love.

Because I choose to love.

Because I am hopeful.

I am not hopeful she will change. She is diseased. You can't cure that, only mask the symptoms. But I am hopeful. I am hopeful that I will raise my son to know how to love and to know how to hurt. I will raise my son to know that hurting is human and because it's SO WONDERFUL to love, you have to accept that sometimes the consequence is pain. But to cut off the pain is to dull the love.

And why dull something so joyous? Love like you're a little kid and your mom loves you and the sun is shining and the bluebirds are singing. Love her like that through your anger and pain and frustration. Just don't let her know it. Don't let her exploit it. Don't let her abuse your love. It's YOUR love.

Reflecting

2008-10-11T22:28:00.000-07:00

I am cleaning and listening to podcasts from services I missed (like my bday & fresno dome trip), and one thing the pastor said was that Jesus said "if you have not left everything then you cannot be my disciple."

Do you remember, two years ago when I wasn't going to church regularly? It was Thursday, November 16th 2006 that I left Adam. It was two weeks later that I got that email from Lindsey that made me decide to cut her and the rest of that group from my life. So it was the first of December that I left it all. Mid-December I went to church with Matt & Anna and then in January I start going every week to The Stirring. February I applied for National and March I started school. I left my dreams of moving up in business banking. In October I had that near-death experience, and it was that day that I feel I died. I did. I died that day. The me who I used to be, the me who I had always known. I still think back to that day and get a lump in my throat and praise God because as scary as it was, it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that was His work.

I had been talking on the phone about Matt & Anna, and Billy & Heather's relationships and how someday that's what I wanted. I had never been around people my age who were in a relationship and it was God centered. I didn't have friends like that before, my mom didn't model it, and I was so excited talking about how all the ideas I'd had of my future partner were dead because THIS is what I wanted someday.

It wasn't the house or the handsome, tall man. It wasn't the stability of our joint income. It was the love of God. It was the compatibility of each other and the mutual desire to make God the center of the relationship; rather than focusing on each other or ourselves, focusing on climbing the social ladder and being better than the Jone's. It wasn't a narcissistic love, but a whole one! It was the best kind of love triangle! I don't think anyone in that group of friends I once had knows how to do that or what that looks like, and so I didn't either. How would you be able to see that you were missing out on something so great if you had never witnessed it before?

So I left it all.

I left the only man I had ever loved. I left the only friends I had ever loved. I left my sense of belonging. I left my dreams of career. I turned my back on all of it. And without purposely connecting it, I turned toward church and toward God.

I answered the longing I had in my heart my whole life. I went back to the 15 year old crying after youth group because she wanted to know God more, and didn't know how. I went back to the little girl who loved church and hated to be late. I went back to the innocense I had before I "grew up."

I didn't know what I was doing back then. I didn't see it (although the whole church did as I sat alone in the back and cried every Sunday for a year). Isn't hindsight so 20/20? It's so true.

And so I keep growing in God. As I told you the other day, I am so thirsty! It's not even like the blogs I've done about the fire in my veins, it's a thirst or a hunger. It's different. It doesn't spark when I'm in church, it's just ever-present and it's growing. Heck, I'm listening to sermons on podcast while I get all OCD cleaning the top of my fridge (which you KNOW is looooong overdue). I am counting down the days until I'm done with school (69 days!) and I can start practicum. Because then I will no longer be on standby.

I really see that everything is happening in His time. If I had not left my friends and my love, I would not know the feeling of isolation or abandonment (you still feel abandoned even when you are the one who leaves). If I had not loved, I would not know that I know how to love and how wonderful it is to risk. If I had not left my life I would not know to appreciate my life. If I had not done all that I have done with work/school/mom over these two years, I would not know my strength and stamina. If I had not struggled I would not know my cheerleaders! And I have so many, and I am SO GRATEFUL! If I had not struggled, I would not know gratitude.

And I am learning every day how to let go and put my life in His hands through faith because He has already been so faithful. Even when I'm in self-pity over my exhausting schedule He gives me teachers who see the burn-out and cut me slack!

Looking back, I have gone through some scary and difficult times and transitions, but I see that they were all necessary. A coworker told me yesterday, "Jessica, you are the most patient person I know." And the old Jessica would have scoffed at that comment because it would have been an outright lie! I have learned patience. And fortitude.
And I learned this because I left everything.

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Hey, do you have any favorite sermons that especially touch you? Something I can download and listen to? Jamie told me her favorite from Bethel, but there are so many to choose from on my church's and hers that it would sure be helpful to hear about others so I don't have to listen to every single one!

Ok, I'd better get back to cleaning! I've created a bigger mess than there was to start out with! I'm sure that can be used toward an analogy of some sort. Happy Saturday!

J

I am Jessie

2008-09-24T01:01:00.000-07:00

...i post this again...

...to serve as a reminder to myself...

Something inside me is burning. It's welling up and it's forcing its way out. Out of my heart, out of my mind, out of my soul; it consumes me. Through my fingers and from my tongue it spills. It is toxic. It is killing me. It is killing the self-defeating me. It is inspiring me. It is working itself around in my veins. It is lovingly purging the ghetto of my mind, it is repainting and repairing. There is no where to run; no where to hide. But in all its glory it pulls me from the shadows and allows me to bask in its truth. In all its love it burns me from the inside-out. It seeps from my skin, smelling sweetly. It is not me... and yet... it is the essence of who I am. And I am Jessie.

Ode to My Friends

2008-09-22T22:02:00.000-07:00

I've always loved God and was a Christian. But I never felt this passion or fire for my faith as I have this past year. I never would have talked about it openly, and now I feel that when you just look at me it's written all over my face and it pours from my lips. I feel like honey is the trail I leave behind when I walk because I am so blessed.

I feel like the Exodus. I feel like I have journied far and wide, and I feel like I have sand in my toes. I feel like I have been accompanied by wise friends, lost souls, merrymakers and dissenters. I feel like I am finally confident and free and able and willing to tell someone no, and I am finally vulnerable and loving and understanding to tell someone yes. I feel like in this last two years I have learned the true meaning of unconditional love.

There's a fire and I'm burning.

In three months I'll be set free. I'll burn my village and build a new one. I'll climb to the mountain top and ignite my love into all the stars, because I don't know where else to put it. I will slowly control it, and learn to love through the melody which is my love. I will learn to harmonize my fire and my flame.

No rain can cause this to smolder and die; no onslaught, no barrage, no tumult is too great! When I fear that His "love spreading agenda" is too powerful for me, and I am too small; my flame is fanned by my friends and their love.

Out of the woodwork they come, one at a time... filling me with their encouraging words and faith.

When I feel lonely or disheartened or overwhelmed, they stand up and shine a light on my path so I don't lose my way. When I fear my road is too arduous, they take my hand and walk with me so that I don't look too deeply in the woods, losing myself or my goal. When I feel like this task is too monumental or I am unqualified to be who God has designed me to be (us all to be), He has His gentle way of reaching into my heart and showing me my posture. He has His way of filling my heart with His love. He fans my flame.

And I am so blessed.

And I am so loved.

I am unworthy.

I am humble.

I love God.

I burn.

Beautiful Struggle

2008-09-10T00:31:00.000-07:00

That is true, no one is perfect. The beauty is in our struggle. Our struggle to do what is right and to be true to ourselves and our higher power. To be true to our intuition and to our gut. Our struggle to fall and then to face the music. Our struggle to repent and to stay that way the best we can... and if needed, repent again...

The beauty is that we are imperfect, and that we don't have to be perfect to be good and loved and loveable.

The beauty is that we try.

The beauty is that we keep going.

The beauty is that we are beautiful

and we are beautiful because we struggle so beautifully...

... and it is only by grace...

and

...I need all the grace I can get because my beautiful struggle is sometimes so ugly.

An Abundance of Blessings!

2008-08-17T23:29:00.000-07:00

So two months ago, I was so stressed with school, work, little league, etc. that I was on the verge of a breakdown. It had all just accumulated to a point where I just couldn't do it. I physically could not understand the words on the page. I was a zombie. I think it was the most difficult time in my life so far...

And then I got to have a month off school to start practicum. And now I've had these two easy classes. And remember, I said the next four classes are going to be really hard (equivalent to the last ones that had me in pieces). I just got that email saying it's going to be on independent study and I'll only meet three times for the whole month and that will end at 7pm.

HOLY JESUS!

He just keeps blessing me and blessing me and blessing me!!!

Aidan will still be at his dad's til 10pm. So I'll have that time to do homework, clean, work out, find a practicum site, whatever. Then I'll only have three classes left of the hard stuff. After all these months of recovery, I'll TOTALLY be able to do those three classes just fine!!!

I have just recently learned out to give it to God and then forget about it. Is that 'true faith'? So then I've just come to a place where I've really learned to be truly faithful? I don't know, but He is sure showing me what that means and how awesome he is when I do it! I have totally just given my schooling up to Him because I know this is His plan for me. I have to stop 'leaning on my own understanding' (the topic tonight at church), and LOOK! LOOK!!!!!!! NO CLASS NEXT MONTH- mostly... YEAY!!!!

Jenn House told me a while back that when she thinks of me, she thinks of a little girl in a party dress with her heart in her hand and no matter what comes along I just don't give up or give in. I keep standing there unphased in my party dress with my heart. She said that she aspires to have that sort of innocense and determination (I wonder if it's more of a naivite), and that it's just that which God favors and blesses. I don't really know... but I sure feel blessed right now!

It's like, my heart is happy!

And a person doesn't really have control over the happiness of his heart. You can talk yourself out of feeling bad, and you can feel better. But you cannot force a happy heart!

and it's like, I know that He is blessing me, and I know that it's not ME, and I want to pay it forward or pay it back or share the love, and I just don't know how. So then it feels all bottled up and waiting to explode, but it's a joyous explosion! Confetti of the heart! Spiritual radiation- hiroshima of happy! And how odd and awkward to have that inside me, and not know what to do with it.

Do I skip?

Do I leap?

Do I sing terribly offkey, and yet beautifully to His ear while I spin in circles with my arms outstreched?

Do I jumprope til I fall?

Do I find a trampoline?

Do I run and run and run and run?

What do you do with it?

Do I sit in thankful prayer? Do I sing His praises to my friends and contemporaries?

Do I accept His blessings with thanks and keep Him in my mind, heart and works as I go throughout my day representing Him?

Wooo hoooo!

Reimbursed

2008-08-02T10:27:00.000-07:00

Another story of how cool God has been to me:

I bought groceries for this guy.

I was really torn if I should buy them. I changed from salary to hourly and the bank's crazy math meant that my next check would be missing FOUR DAYS of pay on it. Helllooooo, I'm a single mom in grad school, I can't afford to lose four days of pay!!! My friend Lesa had been in town and I really, really wanted her to read The Prayer of Jabez because I thought it would be really applicable for her life right now. I couldn't find my copy so I ran to Barnes to get her a copy. I didn't even think about my budget, I just wanted her to have it. It's like $10, it'll be fine.

Then I get there and this guy is standing in the parking lot, sleeping while standing. Like, he was on that movie Rat Race and he fell asleep while walking. I smiled a big smile as I drove by (hey, it always cheers up my day to get an authentic smile from someone, those don't come around very often) and thought to myself, I just made him happy. I know, I'm silly. And then I park and get out of my car and he was already there! Developmentally disabled Sonic the Hedgehog? In his stutter he started telling me that he could tell I was a Christian and he's a Christian and would I buy him a sandwich.

While he's talking I was wondering, "how do you tell one of God's broken from someone who is just trying to get something from you? How do you tell if they are broken because they are one of God's needy, and they're broken because they are bad?" And as he was talking I just decided that I'd get him a sandwich, it'll be fine. Then he wanted to go to Hometown. I said no, I'd get him a sandwich at Barnes. Then he asked that instead of buying an expensive sandwich that wont fill him up if I'd get him some groceries.

I was like, "what!"

I said I would get him the sandwich. He proceeded to tell me how he can eat several meals for the same price if I got him sandwich fixings at Food Maxx.

I told him, "Fine, you walk over there and after I buy this book I'll meet you there." It's just not safe to let people in your car, it's not too far for him to walk. After I got the book I went over. He wrote me a list. what! a list?!

So it just had bologna, hamburger buns, gingerale and little debbie snack cakes.

Instead, I got him grapes, peaches, bananas, wheat bread, meat, cheese, chips and ginger ale.

Anyway, as I was taking his list and grabbing a cart I thought the words, "I'm losing four days of pay, I don't know if I can buy groceries for my home, much less for someone else!" and then, "Whatever, it's the right thing to do and God will take care of it." I didn't consider it again til I got to the checkout and then I thought those same things again.

When I handed it to him he thanked me and told me that he doesn't eat fruit. I told him that fruit is our gift from God and if there's anything in the bag from Him then it's the fruit. He thanked me again, looked up and thanked God, and then said, "God, bless the woman who has done this for me!"

So then the next day my cavity abscessed and I had a puffy face. The day after was payday and I looked like the Elephant Man ("I am not an animal! I am a man!"). I checked my account online and it said that it was about $17 more than normal. NOT short four days, and overpaid by $17. I called HR and told them of their error (I don't need them taking it out later in the pay period!) and they offered to spread the deficit over four paychecks. That wasn't an option before, they were taking it all out at once. If the money hadn't been in there I would have been short.

AND THEN, on Thursday the dentist was able to get me in for the root canal and it was $46 LESS than what they had quoted me. The groceries I bought that man cost me $46.

I went out to spend money I didn't have on a book to encourage Lesa spiritually, ended up spending another $46 on that man and now I was reimbursed through that discount and the paycheck issue is being spread out!!!

ISN'T THAT TOTALLY AWESOME!!!

That man looked to the sky and asked God to bless the woman who did this for him, AND HE DID!

Potential or Porcelain?

2008-06-19T07:12:00.000-07:00

Potential or porcelain?

Can I be a promise? Can I be an evolution all my own? Can my potential solidify into reality, creating greater potential? An everlasting quest, a never-ending well of potential?

Can I be pottery? Can I be strong and solid? Can I hold what you thirst for? Can I be molded through fire and flame? Can I be a chalice, vulnerable to the clumsy hands of the jester, while cherished to the guardian's lips?

Would you hide me away from the jokers, locked in a cabinet where only you can see my beauty and know my worth? Would you display me behind glass where others can look and revel, but not hold and know? Would you love me as your own creation and carry me as your favored? Would you drink from me and then fill me back up?

Do I sing the songs of love, but not dance in my own moonlight?

Do I fill and overflow?

Look at me, am I not drenched? Is my oil not ignited and burning so that I myself do not fear the fire?

It is the chill… the cold… the ice… the glacier blue… the dripping from the icicles that terrify me. The frosty discontent of unfulfilled expectations dropped into the porcelain chalice that that makes me so brittle. The cold, cold breath in the air; nipping at the warm fingers and heart, tingling and fighting to stay warm.

Oh! What relentless tragedy that begets! Upon itself it builds as the ice and snow pile, snuffing out the flame within. Oh what relentless fire in my heart! What burning, smoldering, seething fire rains through my love! What hope have I if I allow myself to inhale the potential of winter, when my breath is of faithful fire?

Heart in a Cage

2008-06-17T00:23:00.000-07:00

(an ode to my lovelorn friends)

I do believe that you can love someone so much that you can physically ache for them when that love line is severed. When you give yourself, your heart, your love, and you really and truly give it- then it is no longer yours. If you've given it and "it's over" then you have to re-grow your love and your heart. You can feel vulnerable and exposed. Empty and fear the worst will fill that void. Succumb to that fear, let it fill that space that once housed your heart. Cripple yourself as you dissolve into the mire, as you sink and sulk and allow it to consume you- because really, nothing is as glorious as the love that once called you home. And if you can't have that, then what's the point in fighting off the demons longing to live there in its stead?

The thing is, you can't give away what's not already yours. Your heart. Your love. It's yours and it's always there. It always will be there. What determines the power of its presence is how you choose to cherish it. You may have fully given your love, and now you feel incomplete, but you're not. You must nurture what is still there as the piece you kept was merely on accident. You intended to give it all away...

How will you cherish it? Will you hoard it? Will you apply this pain of heartbreak to this piece of heart you have left? Will you grow to believe your heart is something that causes pain? Will you hide it away and never give the best you have to give?

Or will you grow it? Will you take that little piece you have left? Will You love that piece with the same love that itself contains? Will you grow it and trust it that it can give you that love you so long for... only by giving it away again? You grow your children to give them to the world. You grow your heart to give it to your Love. The both of these, your child and your heart (sometimes synonymous!) you grow to give away, but you first give them to God. And because you've given them to God, because you are faithful and WORTHY, you can trust that they are both safe.

But I don't believe many people love like this nowadays- which is a shame. I think it's because people give up before they give their heart. There is a difference between discernment, testing the waters, waiting until the man/woman has proven themselves worthy of your heart, and just holding onto it indefinitely out of fear or greed.

My Darling Aunts: Purdue's Golden Girls

2008-05-14T10:20:00.000-07:00

NOW IT ALLLL MAKES SENSE! WHY I LOVE TO GYRATE ON THE DANCE FLOOR... WHO'S A FLIRT? NOT ME!

I just found an article about when aunt Adelaide marched on the field of Notre Dame. Grandma told me about how Adelaide was the first woman to step on the field of Notre Dame and look what I found!!!!! I know there are two more articles out there, the one mentioned in the Chicago Tribune about Teddy and there's another Sport's Illustraited one about Adelaide. Woo hoo!!!

In their own words..

Purdue Band alums share special memories of Golden Girls

William Burk: I remember arriving in the caravan of buses at the Notre Dame practice field next to their dorms. Teddy Darling was dressed in gold toreador pants that almost looked like she had been painted with gold paint. The "men" of Notre Dame literally flowed out of their dorms to google at Teddy and the other girls. When we marched to and from the stadium we had to surround the girls with the first few ranks of trombones.

Larry Burkhart: While at Purdue, I got a job at the outdoor ice rink behind the Co-Rec Gym as a rink guard. We went early to "shovel off" the ice before skating began. One evening, Teddy Darling arrived early and asked if she could practice with racing blades, which were prohibited during public skating. "Sure you can skate" was the answer. We discussed the AAMB and all the activities often. One day Teddie said she had something that would go well with my hat and keep my neck warm while on the outdoor rink. She took off a long silk gold scarf and gave it to me and said thanks for letting her skate early. After that, I wore the scarf when at the rink. Along with many other memories, I still have the gold scarf and a Chicago Tribune magazine with Teddy Darling featured on the front cover.

Brian William "Bill" Maxey: I have one Golden Girl story I can share, dating back to when Adelaide Darling was Golden Girl. It was 1957 or 58 and the band was playing on national television at Notre Dame. The half-time show included a hula dance by the Golden Girl, with appropriate accompanying music and motion from the band. From my position in the trumpet section, I was so captivated by Addie's seductive gyrations that I messed up the routine! With my eyes fixed where they shouldn't have been fixed, I failed to bow down from the waist along with all the other band members, and was on national TV standing straight up while everyone else had swayed down. I didn't mind the national TV exposure of this error, the real problem was in the videotape which Al G. Wright played on Monday, and re-played, and re-played. I got a boatload of demerits and, yes, I got to carry the FUBAR board for that week. In my years with the Purdue band, that was my one moment of fame. Make that infamy.

http://www.purdue.edu/BANDS/goldengirl/memories.htm

She had even made it into sports illustrated!!!! Check this one out:

WOMEN IN MOTION

Now all together, let us face Up to a relatively new problem in human affairs: Woman's Place on the Football Field. Not to be lightly regarded either, mind you, for here is a question that has aroused controversy across a goodly chunk of mid-America recently. There is, for your first consideration, Purdue's Golden Girl, a Miss Adelaide Darling. Miss Darling, to the dismay of her sister coeds, appeared at half time of the Purdue-Notre Dame game in the fetching, skin-tight, gold lamé whatchamacallit you see at the left. Her twitching performance was a hula dance, she said, but another girl reflected: "She not only walks and talks but wiggles excessively." So much tittle-tattle to Adelaide, who only slightly modified her act at the Illinois game last week.

http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1003077/index.htm

AND here's where her "gyrations" are further discussed:

In 1958, Purdue's "Golden Girl," a gold spangled freshman majorette named Adelaide Darling, "wiggled too much in doing her hula dance last weekend at the Purdue-Notre Dame game," as the AP story explained, and after complaints from Purdue coeds she had to be de-wiggled for the Illinois contest. The resulting crush of photographers the following Saturday forced officials to ask sweet Adelaide to move away from the Purdue bench before the game. Such stories invariable indulged in at least one cheap pun, in this case the comment that "the blonde freshman from Manteca, Cal., went thru her halftime show without any backfield-in-motion penalites being called." Sports Illustrated rhapsodized over Miss Darling's "fetching, skin-tight, gold lame whatchamacallit" ...

King Football: Sport and Spectacle in the Golden Age of Radio http://books.google.com/books?id=Sh7mAxJ9WKgC&pg=PA187&lpg=PA187&dq=Adelaide+Darling&source=web&ots=yO6nXuX_Ci&sig=uhlRLrLeUG1OxIT9btvx5nLxHoQ&hl=en

Matters of the Heart

2008-05-09T16:30:00.000-07:00

My friend told me today that he has achieved the things he has aspired for and doesn't feel that anything is happening in his life to make it feel worthwhile. While not talking in a depressed way, I feel that he is in a place where he is readying himself mentally for change. Isn't that what this life is all about? Were we created to revel in complacency or were we given these gifts of internal metamorphosis for a reason? When do we look around and find ourselves in the center of the grey? When we can see that we've found balance from either end of the spectrum and we are not struggling and striving? And when we find that, will we feel that life is too easy and seemingly pointless? Is it the struggle that makes us happy?

The millionaire mogul isn't content sitting at home spending his money, he is out making more; not because he needs it or wants it, but because the chase of it fuels him.

Then I wonder, is it really the chase and the struggle that keeps us motivated or is it the idea of change? Such as, what if my friend mentioned above did ONE thing different. What if he chose another path to enhance this equilibrium he has achieved in his life? What if he became a mentor to a boy without a dad? What would my friend's life look like then? What if my friend took the risky leap of love or entrepreneurship or bungee jumping? What hurricane could those butterflies wings do to inspire him and shake him up enough to spread the warm fuzzies through his being? The fuzzies akin to requited love. You know that feeling, you made your first big deal at work and it was as satisfying as your first kiss from your long-time crush.

I think my friend is starting to stir. Something inside has started to flutter and he doesn't know what to do with it. He can't name it- and what do you do with something when it's nameless? How do you handle it? You begin to distrust it. You feel uneasy about it. You want to question it down to its root, it's origin, it's genesis, so that you can compartmentalize it along with all the other things you already know about yourself and your life. That's a slippery slope my friend, a slippery slope when your on the cusp of CHANGE.

I have no advice to give.

No words of wisdom.

But as someone who has embrased the flutter, I have done the dance. Towards change, I have run through the praries as though running into my lover's arms, only to find moments later that I have turned on my heels and run, run, run away. The thing is... that change... that fluttering... that longing it instills... no matter where I run it's always there and I always find myself hypnotized by it... and I always find myself in that prarie. And each time I run closer to my lovers embrase, my lover, my personal change, before I turn away. Am I turning away from me? Am I turning away from the old me or the new me? Am I turning from my God? Am I turning from all the things that I want and fear will evade me? Do I fear it's all a mirage and the intangibility will become a reality when I reach my lover, my change?

I don't know. That's why I have no advice. Not that anyone is asking for it.

But what I do know, is that my lover, my change, myself, the Jessie who I am deep down and who I want to be is the woman who I embrace. I know she is not an illusion. She has fought long and hard for her authenticity and her VOICE.

Hear me ROAR!

Find me in the golden prarie.

Rolling around

amongst the flowers.

Down here I can't run

and

I'm not hiding

I'm allowing it all to happen

without fear

I am risking.

Down in the golden prarie the lion can stalk its prey...

...but my ROAR is LOUDER...

BRING IT ON!

"Whatever you have forgotten, you can remember. Whatever you have buried you can unearth. If you are willing to look deep into your own nature, if you are willing to peel away the layers of not-self you have adopted in making your way through the tribulations of life, you will find that your true self is not as far removed as you think."
- Meredith Jordan

just questioning

2008-04-28T07:11:00.000-07:00

Can you tell me where your strong belief came from? As a child, where did you get it? I'm just curious...just questioning!

You know, I'm not really sure. Let's see... we went to a different church all the time. We'd go to one for about a year, then quit church for a while, then go to a different one. We tried all the different denominations of protestant Christianity (which just means we protested Catholicism and are "just Christian").

I think around age fourteen we just stopped going. But I still went to Wednesday youth groups on my own. There was one walking distance down the road.

But once I turned 16 working and living life was more important.

Diego and I got married by my friend's dad who's a pastor. So then we'd go here and there to the church he worked for (and now going back to it on Christmas I can see why it didn't inspire me to keep going- it's like the old painting of velvet elvis in the basement, it's beautiful to the old people who bought it, but I need an electric elvis for my wall). Then I didn't go to church again until my relationship with Adam was coming to a close.

I suddenly started listening to AirOne (Christian alternative) and then started attending the church across from my apartment. I was still going there during the breakup, but I just wasn't really feeling "it" about that place. I liked the band, but didn't feel like the pastor was very educating. Then a guy I worked with invited me to this one.

The first sermon was about how Jesus' first miracle was to extend the party by making more wine and pointing out that while Jesus and his family had been invited to the wedding, all the diciples had not. So he crashed it with his buddies. His mom is the one who confronted him to make the wine. So the Elvis in the basement was suddenly more relatable... no longer some dingy old velvet canvas that everyone else "got" but now he was this electric Elvis who was a little more like me than I thought.

So I started attending regularly because I wanted to see what he had to say. I wanted to see if the pastor was just spinning things so people would hear what they wanted. But what was happening was it was actually making me take a look at my own faith. It was challenging me to think for myself. He was able to apply biblical teachings to things that were happening to me right then (my pastor is 30 and the congregation averages between 20-35 years old).

Did you read my blog: Strokes on the Canvas? It was really what happened that night that solidified my faith to the unwavering it is now. I was nonchalantly Christian before, comme ci comme ca... I believed but wouldn't have wanted anyone to ask me questions about it. And now I say, "bring it on!" I don't know much about doctrine- but that's why I don't practice "religion."

"Religion" is about changing what you do on the outside in order to appease a higher power. That's not what Jesus taught. He wants you to change yourself from the inside out. He said "what good is it to only love those who love you?" He instructs you to love those you wish ill of you, because that's where the struggle is, that's the action that deserves reward. But how do you FAKE LOVE? You can't fake love in your heart, you can fake act like you love someone. But He wasn't telling you to ACT like you love someone. He was directing you to facilitate a verb.

That's the difference. Religion is doing what you are supposed to do because you were told to do it and if you do it then you are right. Following the guidelines. Walking the walk, talking the talk... maybe... no one's perfect...

To me, this is about more than that. It's about changing who I am on the inside to reflect my beliefs. It's about learning to forgive, and then doing it. When you change the inside, your mind, your heart, you invariably change your outside and end up accidentaly following doctrine... That's what he was getting at.

You don't use people. You don't use yourself.

Send me the link to your blog! You're freakin' amazing!

I just can't get into religion. I see too much of it around me here and it seems very hypocritical. Then there's that creepy Pastor on TV who wrote the Purpose Driven Life. He's kinda gay.

I may have said this before, but I admire Christians to a degree. I admire that they find peace in thinking that some higher power will take care of them....although all one has to do is look at the poverty and suffering on this planet...so do they think that they are better than the staving child in Rwanda? It's just so illogical to me.

Ha! Thinking too deep to be @ work!

To answer your question, no.

Well, in any industry or religion you'll find hypocrites. The Starbucks mogul who abhors coffee, the libral who pickets abortion, the pot smoking hippy who secretly listens to the Backstreet Boys, the petitioner for the spotted owl who buys paper products from the very companies cutting down his favorite forest... I feel that people hold Christianity to a higher tier because it's so popular and it's easier to find fault.

Also, there are all those people who misrepresent. There are teachers out there belittling and degrading students and giving the educational institution a bad name. There are bankers who embezzle, but that doesn't mean the bank itself is shady. Are all Islamics bad because there are those terrorists? Does that mean the terrorists represent the true fundamentals of that faith?

No. Christ came to an unwed teenager during a time when she would be stoned to death for sex outside wedlock. It was blasphemous to even talk to lepers. Jesus ate with rich as well as poor. He said to the rich not to only throw dinner parties for their friends knowing the friends will repay them, he said to feed the people who cannot feed themselves because that is the principle behind our life here on Earth.

No, my sweet sister/aunt, it is by the GRACE of God that I was born in this country and that my biggest problem is that I have school paid for and a mom who is kind of weird. One of the things I have always felt called toward is working in the Peace Corps. I truly believe that when Aidan is a little older and I am more financially and professionally stable I will be able to use this experience in banking and my education in psychology to do something great for impoverished lands. I would love to bring Aidan, go on missions, go help others in some way.

I believe that all of our souls look beautifully and uniquely the same. Just as no matter what race we are, we all have red blood in our veins. We all make our choices, we all have an obstacle to overcome- some greater than others, but deep down, we are all loved equally by God. I can't quote the bible, but from my learnings and readings the way I understand it, the poor, beaten, starving, etc are all guaranteed places in Heaven. It is you and I. The ones who have it easy. The ones who are not persecuted who have the greatest responsibility of all! We need to be humble, we need to not be arrogant thinking that we are above those less fortunate, we need to use what we have to help and to be of service the best way we know how.

That does not mean that we must put ourselves in their position. For then we will need the help! What good is that! But we are not to walk by. We are not to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear. We are to love those who don't love us. We are to TRY OUR BEST to live the way Jesus taught us to live. But we can't beat ourselves up either, because we are HUMAN and God created us to fail. If we weren't meant to fail then we'd be perfect, we'd be God.

It's the struggle. The the falling down. It's the acknowledging that you're not perfect and asking for forgiveness. It's realizing that you don't have it all together and you don't have to.

It's not being a teenager saying that you don't know what job to get or keep because you're going to let God decide (you mentioned that before). If he wanted marrionettes he would have built us with strings and without FREE WILL. We are still responsible for the decisions we make and paths we take.

...on that note...

2008-04-27T00:12:00.000-07:00

So I've been in such a weird place lately. I've gone MONTHS without even going on a "real" date- self-imposed exile of course! And I am still totally okay with it considering that between work, school and motherhood I really don't have the a) time for a date, b) time to play the get-to-know-ya game, c) space in my brain for one more thing/person, d) space in my life to try to make time or room for anyone else.

...and most importantly...

e) I don't even have the time to keep up with my friends who I care about and value (see all top eight), who have already earned their place in my mind/time/life.

It does feel good to have made the decision of abstinence and purposeful singlehood during this time. It's like I've made my choice and I'm sticking to it. Friends have told me, "Jessica, the time is never right, if "the one" comes along you need to be open and receptive to him." But really, if "the one" comes along and wants me to squeeze him in and isn't willing respect my life of chaotic cramming for tests, research papers, etc. and realize that I don't have room for yet another priority- then is he really "the one?" Would "the one" WANT to further pile onto my plate? And yes, my friend Nick once told me that "the one" wont further pile my plate but instead help me to clear it--- well, if there's not time for thoughtful discernment, then that means just accepting any ol' joe that comes along. And I'm picky...

...and that, my friend, just opens yet another can of worms... another soapbox for another day...

So,

I've been feeling frustrated and powerless. I have CHOSEN to go back to school. I KNEW it would completely take over my life. But I guess I didn't understand the DEGREE of my life that would be consumed! Maybe it's because I took that three month break- I got a taste of freedom... Maybe it's because I've had this schedule for four months since that break (and over a year total) and it's just "time" for a break (breaking point?). Maybe I was able to focus on working out, chillin' with Aidan, get my body and mind back during my break. And maybe because I hit the ground running at 6am, using my lunch hours for research at the college, spend my evenings either in class, cooking dinner, cleaning the apartment, or studying- so that I've gotten chubby again :( and I don't have that mental release that comes from running.

But I've been thinking all these thoughts about my life, my schedule, body, friend and love relationships and they've been sitting on the back of my mind CONSTANTLY.

So although I haven't been "heartbroken" in quite a long while (and you have beared witness to that lengthy healing process- thankfully it's done and over!), but I opened Sex God by Rob Bell last night because "relationship" is the topic it exactly speaks about (relationship= friends, lovers, pain, happiness, etc).

I read this and thought I'd share:

This is why for thousands of years Christians have found the cross to be so central to life. It speaks to us of God's suffering, God's pain, God's broken heart. It's God making the first move and then waiting for our response.

If you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how God feels.

If you have ever given yourself to someone and found yourself waiting for their response, exposed and vulnerable, left hanging in the balance, you know how God feels.

If you have ever given yourself to someone and they responded, they reciprocated with love of their own, you know how God feels.

The cross is God's way of saying, 'I know what it's like.'
The execution stake is the creator of the universe saying, 'I know how you feel.'

Our tendency in the midst of suffering is to turn on God. To get angry and bitter and shake our fist at the sky and say, 'God, you don't know what it's like! You don't understand! You have no idea what I'm going through. You don't have a clue how much this hurts.'

The cross is God's way of taking away all of our accusations, excuses, and arguments.

The cross is God taking on flesh and blood and saying, 'Me too.'

This can transform our experience of heartbreak. Instead of being something that distances us from God, causing us to question, 'Where are you?' every poem by a lover spurned, every song sung with an ache, every movie with a gut-wrenching scene, every late-night coversation and empty box of kleenex are glimpses into the life of God.

Our first need is not for people to fix our problems. People who charge in and have all the answers and try to make things right without first joining us in our pain generally annoy us, or worse yet, they push us away. They have nothing to give us. The God that Jesus points us to is not a god who stands at a distance, wringing his hads and saying, 'If only you'd listened to me.'

This is the God who holds out his hands and asks, 'Would you like to see the holes where the nails went? Would that help?'

It's the place we find out that we're not alone, where we find strength to go on. Not a strength that comes from within ourselves but a strength that comes from God. The God who keeps going. Who keeps offering. Who keeps loving. Who keeps risking.

A God who knows what it's like.

The cross is where we present our wounds to God and say, 'Here, you take them.'

Our healing begins when we participate in the suffering of God. When we don't avoid it but enter into it, and in the process enter into the life of God. When we see our pain not as separating us from but connecting us to our maker.

And in this connection, there's always the chance we'll find a reason to risk again.

If God can continue to risk, then maybe we can too.

Perhaps you have had your heart broken by somebody. You risked and extended and offered yourself, and they rejected and turned away and didn't return your love.

There is something divine in your pain.

You know how God feels.

Really good, loving people get hurt. It's how things are.

Maybe you're living in the wake of a relationship that fell apart. You have to dig those moments up. The parts that hurt and the awkward conversations and the anger and the failure and the misunderstanding and the betrayal. You have to dig them up and acknowledge them before you are ever going to heal.

The danger is that you will decide it isn't worth it. Why risk if it's going to hurt like this? The tragedy would be for you to shut down, to allow a wall to be built around your heart, and for something within you to die.

A decision not to risk again is a decision not to love again. They go together.

Why is it those we love the most are the ones capable of hurting us the most? Our greatest wounds rarely come from strangers. They probably come from an ex-fiance, a former friend, a roommate, a sister, a business partner.

Even in healthy relationships, an offhanded comment or a rolling of the eyes can cripple us for days or years or even a lifetime. This is because the more we open ourselves up, the more vulnerable we are. The more exposed we are, the more it hurts. The more we let someone in, the greater the risk. Surprise, anger, shock, betrayal, helplessness- it all gets mixed in together.

There's a phrase that I have heard used to explain how God loves everybody equaly. People say that 'the ground at the foot of the cross is level.' The idea that God has no favorites, that no matter where you're coming from and what you've done and who you've been with and how badly you've screwed it up, the cross is the place where God looks past it all and forgives and accepts and wipes the slate clean.

In the matters of love, it's as if God has agreed to play by the same rules we do. God can do anything- that's what makes God, God. But God can't do everything. God can't make us love him- that's our choice.

Love is risky for God too.

J-Swan's Message

2008-02-23T13:41:00.000-08:00

Hi there,

So my friend J-Swan and I were emailing and she gave me permission to post this email from her to me. It was so incredibly touching and so applicable to my girlfriends that I am so compelled to put it here for you.

As I read this a second time I found so much more worth than that which I read the first time. I would encourage you to read it today, mull it over, and then read it again in a day or two.

Jessie

Dear Jessica

I will do the best I can to answer your email from last week. I do not feel God has given me the green light to leave the mountain yet. I realize my need for Him is far greater than my need for socialization right now. You see, I was very narcissist. I was very depressed a lot and "introspective" simply because I loved paying attention to me. I was teased mercilessly in high school and I hated the attention. I wanted to disappear…the more I wanted that it was like the more they noticed me. I decided I would not allow this anymore. I figured if I was going to get attention I would be in CONTROL of when I got it and how. I changed. I dropped God, I dropped my morals, I went into debt buying sensual clothing, and controlled my weight like a mad woman… all uncontrollable behavior. You want to know what's behind this? Satan. Yes that is an easy answer, however I must take responsibility for WHAT I DID WITH HIS TEMPTATION.

…He convinced me that thinking on myself wasn't such a bad thing after all if I didn't look out for J-Swan who would. He then convinced me to find my beauty and worth extrinsically. Yes. I became obsessed. You may be wondering what my obsession was. I wanted male attention and I wanted it bad. No cost. Nothing was too high. I was hurt by my insecurities and therefore I decided to be in control. I was in such deep deception at this point I couldn't even see that my being in "control" was killing me. "Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy" John 10:10...Yes, he uses us against ourselves. I have several people who can attest to this, I could attract any guy I wanted. Even ones that were out of my league in all natural respects. Is that odd? Nope. Satan is able to bring about things that are otherwise not possible so long as he can continue to influence us to the point of death.

I loved bar hoping, texting, pix texting because it was a game of seduction. That game turned into a thing called fantasy. Yes, fantasy for me as well as the men who I attracted. What happens in fantasy? The men crave what I give and I am controlled by the need for their attention. Even though I thought I had power over them. It was about making sure I was the most detached, the most spontaneous, hard to reach dame out there. I made sure that no one touched my heart…..even though inside I longed and wondered what it would be like to feel again. To actually be living. I loved having cute, sensual pictures of me to give them because they craved them and it was enough to get their minds going. I tell you this Jessica not to brag. I tell you this because I fear this is something not talked about and if you say you have a similar past to mine and are on the same journey as me, then I plead with you to listen to me and take this very very very seriously. I decided I better pay attention when God began to reveal these things to me. God isn't to be taken lightly…I've learned that the hard way---

I decided to look up what fantasy means: Unrestrained, an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need, a supposition based on no solid foundation.
And synonyms for fantasy: self-deception, snare, monster.

That last one was me Jessica. I became a monster. I wanted men to see me. To like me. To be captivated by me. To be enthralled. Did this happen? You bet. Sex can do that. What did this do to me? It convinced me that I had really nothing else to offer but what I was giving and portraying. I believe you are serious about Christ. If you are wanting to be truly filled in Him, then it will mean you laying everything down at His feet and being honest with yourself and with Him. You see, the thing about God is that He see's where we are really at. I would try and pretend I didn't want those things anymore, but I wouldn't give up ALL of it. ALL of it meant me not longing and desiring men around me non-stop like they had been for over a decade.

Jessica I pray for you every day. I know you are Royalty. Now that you have come to the knowledge of Christ, you are HIS. His beloved bride worth far more than you can imagine. I want you to know that I can not move because I am utterly dependant on Him to continue and finish this work that He started in me. I have many things to overcome and I am, through Christ. I don't want to be broken and attach God's name to it. You see, that's why I turned from God in the first place. I thought why do I need Him if people are still really messed up and just as bad as non-Christians….so now I fight. I fight hard. This is a battle and it's not for quitters. I refuse to give up. I refuse to let the old J-Swan convince me that partying, attention seeking, drinking, promiscuity (even in the most minor forms) are what I want. I very much try to pray without ceasing like the Bible commands. I don't pray to think about myself, I pray to get me off myself! God help me!

I am desperately captivated by God. Hence forth I am His. I have no right to use my body as a thing to attract and seduce. I do not fear. For the Word says if God is before me, who can be against me. I do not dare look at my life and be disgruntled. For I have tasted and experienced the most divine love. He took me from the midst of it all and said, "She is mine. This one is mine." I would like to share my love story found in Hosea.
Hosea 2:6 "Therefore, behold I will hedge up your way with thorns and wall her in
So that she can not find her paths. She will chase her lovers, but not overtake them. Yes, she will seek them, but not find them. Then she will say "I will go and return to my first husband (Christ) for it was better for me then.
Vs.14 "The Lord says, Therefore, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness and speak comfort to her. I will give her vineyards and the Valley of Achor as a door of Hope. She shall sing there as in the days of her youth…And it shall be in that day she no longer calls me Master, but calls me Husband."

I love these because I can't think of better verses to describe how I was. I chased after all sorts of lovers (doesn't have to be men only), but I never could catch them….we can never find love in anything other than seeking Him with our whole hearts. I want to be a holy, living sacrifice for Him. I've spent years running, I beg God to use the rest of my life as an offering to Him! I love you!
God Bless you!

J-Swan

Jenn's Inspiration

2008-01-07T02:43:00.000-08:00

I know, dear reader, that you do not know the context behind this email message, but take from it what YOU need because we all need a little inspiration and someone who believes in us.

-------------------------

Oh my sweet friend!

Remember, this is just a temporary reclusion you are doing. God has given you such vibrance and love, and he did not intend you to shut yourself off from the world indefinately. So when you feel isolated without your texting and your friends down here just remember that you are there to do a job. YOU are far more important than anyone else right now. If you don't take care of yourself- your heart, mind and soul, no one else will. When you feel strong and confident with yourself and the Lord you will be able to come home and be the spotted bark!

Even Mother Theresa struggled with her relationship with God. Remember, He created us imperfect. He created us and He created us so that we were going to fall down and fail and struggle to be what He wants us to be. He does not shake his head in disappointment at us, instead he rejoices when we pick up, dust off and try again. It's the struggle that he's watching. He's watching how we fight against our own personal demons. He's watching our hearts and how we succumb and drift into those struggles and how we fight and claw and scratch our ways against the desires of our flesh. It's the INTENTIONS of our hearts that he watches and values.

He gave us our gifts to use. I do think that maybe one of the reasons you, Missy and me all get along so well is because we have similar gifts. And MAYBE when we have all grown appropriately in our spirituality we are all together supposed to do something with it. I don't know a lot about your upbringing (you have a pastor for a dad and you're from BFE). But you know Missy's upbringing and her resiliance to all her struggles. Me, we'll say, I've had my share and I will discuss those with you in person when it comes up.

To paraphrase: grew up super poor, chaotic family, pregnant at 19, tumultuous marriage, divorced, graduated with my BA and then I took a year to live. Met Adam. Fell in love. He hit on other women, manipulated and belittled, was just shady in general. It BROKE MY HEART to leave him. None of the other events in my life stand up to the pain and bleeding I have done by leaving Adam. Nothing. There was never a time in my life where I wanted to sink and dissolve into the world and into my pain the way I hurt losing him (if you have read any of my myspace blogs you'd know some of that struggle). Oh how I loved that man more than I had ever loved another human being (aside from Aidan). ---funny how after you are truly and utterly over it, you can empathetically remember the bleeding feeling and yet NOT feel it any longer. I'm so GRATEFUL to be done, healed and whole from all of that!

But what hurt more was that although I knew he loved me, he didn't respect me. And what is love without respect? Empty.

So I was giving a full love and receiving an empty one in return.

And so this year I have searched and I have sought for the meaning of it all.

And I still don't know.

But you know what? If you were to do a biography of my life and you were to interview the people I have known, they will all tell you of this vibrance I have. They will tell you that I am PERPETUALLY HAPPY! They will sing my praises of strength, resiliance, humor, funness, intellect, positivity, etc.

I have gone from helpless, sad, ragamuffin to business school grad, banker, and pschyology grad student. I have a little boy who loves going to church and we have a stable home. I am loved and respected by my peers. I am looked up to by friends.

Is any of this actually mine? Is it really my accomplishment? NO!

I wasn't trying. I don't try to be happy and silly or insightful. It's not purposeful. I don't know how or where it comes from, the single mom going to school and working while maintaining friendships and a positive attitude and vision for her future. I just know that I would be broken if I stopped right now. I would be heart broken if I didn't keep on keepin' on. I just feel that in my core being I was made for more and it's SO EXCITING! It drives me and carries me and moves me forward!

I know that this last year I have focused on dating, accomodating friends, and my own search for my soul. I feel like I have satisfied those. Mostly. So this year I will buckle down and focus on doing God's work through psychology. It feels so good and satisfying to know that.

You and I, my friend,

We have this vibrance.

That is our gift from God. Vibrance that pulses and radiates from us so that people WANT to be around us. People love being around us and that is why we have a lot of friends and things to do and places to go, people to see! That vibrance is intoxicating to the empty because it fills them. They find meaning in our meaning. They feel full because our lights shine so dang bright.

Well, guess what.

Why do you think that you need to turn off your texting Jenn? Why do you think you have a reason to isolate yourself in the hills to find an empty place?

You are full of the love and light of God!

You are the salt and the light!

And that is what these men who chase you want from you. This is why you feel the need to run to the hills!

They want more from you than you want to give. They want it because they know you have it. It's not your sex they want, they just don't know it. They are conufising their desire. They feel the call to you, they feel it in their bodies and so they are confusing it because in today's world the sexual desire is so all emcompassing that it is the default explanation. They are empty, they want to be filled and know that you can do it. They KNOW it. Because you can.

I know this also because of this last year of dating and soul searching. This is also true for ME.

But you have to be strong. You have to put them in their place. If they become attracted to you sexually you have to put your foot down and tell them how much you like and respect them. You tell them how you value them intrinsically. You sing their praises of beauty, humor, etc. You tell them all the things you like/love about them. And you tell them that it is not going to go anywhere relationally because that is not what you are about. Don't specify "right now." Don't say, right now, I'm not getting into relationships. That leaves the door open.

Then you know, when you least expect it, someone who is truly down for the count. Someone who values YOU intrinsically will honor that. A man will come along and yes, he may be human and misinterpret his longing as sexual, but you will put him in his place and he will be down for the count. He will stick around just to bask in your joy and he will DESIRE to fill you with his. He will not want to just take from you, but he will want reciprocity in its purest form. He will respect your choice of abstinence and he will think you are awesome because of it!

You are doing a great job Jenn. You have made a sacrifise because you knew it was the right thing for YOU.

And sometimes putting ourselves first is the hardest choice to make.

Take it from someone who knows!

I love you, and my door (or email) is always open to you.
jessie

Whole and Full and Happy

2007-12-30T07:14:00.000-08:00

You know, it seems that sometimes, for no reason, someone will try to sabatoge your growth. Be it personal, spiritual, professional, what have you. But that's when you look at them with pity and love. You have to remind yourself that they too are human and suffer their own insecurities.

Keep them to yourself! You want to shout.

Don't provoke me with your own inner turmoil! You scream in your head.

Leave me ALONE!

That is how I feel at times with a certain associate.

It seems as though each time I let down my guard she begins to twist herself deeper in the mire of her own delusions. What it is exactly she is projecting onto me I'm unsure other than the idea that I am not at all what she'd like me to be: weak, dumb, maliable...

While I continue to ignore her repeated attempts to get under my skin she digs her nails in deeper. Funny, I feel a faint tickle, a light breeze on the hairs of my arm, as under the surface she claws and bites and fights her way to get at me. She attempts to insult my relationships past, she belittles that which I hold most dear, and she seeks to bring spiritual fear into my home. But she fails.

I am secure with who I am, what I want, where I am going, and the love in my heart.

And you know what is so weird? I love this person. I do. I love her as though she is my own family. We don't get to choose our family right? They are chosen for us from above for whatever reasons He may have.

And you know, really, I'd LIKE to dislike her. It seems as though I should... doesn't it? I should. I should resent or something.

But I don't.

I actually kind of like her because beneath it all I see a smart, witty woman.

I actually kind of like her because beneath it all I see me.

I see the me I used to be.

I see the me who was insecure with myself even though I would try like heck to convince me otherwise. I see the me who placed my value on my weight (wait, I still do that, bad girl). I see the me who was happy for my friends, but also a little sad for me. I see the me who loves and is FILLED WITH LOVE and worries that the love will somehow fade or leave me. I see the confused and lost me who feels like everything and everyone around her is controlling her present and if she could just force things to go her way, well, then everything would go her way.

I see her. I remember her. I am still her. I struggle against knowing that part of me regularly.

...and yet...

she is no longer me.

And so, I cannot dislike this woman who begrudges me. I cannot look at this woman with malevolence- which is really very unlike me! It's just not in there, it's not in my heart.

I try. I think to myself, "who does she think she is and why is this remotely interesting to her?" but really, I don't care. I just don't. I don't care if she's trying to get to me and I just continue to love her like she is my family. Because she is.

I am not going anywhere and I will likely be in her life indefinitely. She's not going anywhere either. And so, I love her. My love spreading agenda has no agenda here. She can hate me, loathe me, have contempt for me, see me as the antithesis of everything she values, but I will continue to love and be respectful to her.

It does not make me weak. It does not make me helpless.

It makes me whole and full and happy.

Walking In His Love

2007-12-05T23:54:00.000-08:00

Jenn really got me thinking today (doncha love the stimulating kind of friends!). So after our emails I thought I'd pull them all into a blog for y'all! Happy reading:

From: jennifer
Sent: Wednesday, December 05, 2007 1:07 PM
To: Jessica
Subject: RE: Deposit Received

that's awesome. Soooo awesome. I have to tell you kinda part 2 of the same day when I felt God really reduced me to love. I was praying and spending time just taking it in (singing, ect) in my own crazy way when I was really praying

"Lord, I thought I knew what your voice sounded like! But, here I am back in the hills and hardly able to understand what is left or right...How will I ever know what your plan is for my life now? My moving to _____ and back has just confirmed that I really don't have a clue what my life is about right now." (mind you this also compounded my lack of self worth in that I defined my do as my worth not my WHO)

Then he spoke to my heart and reminded me of what he told me earlier in the day about learning to love myself so I can show others the love of God and bring Him glory...He then went on to add the verse in I John "When I (jennifer or Jessica) walk in love God is present"...Now mind you that wasn't the answer I was looking for but it hit home until further direction is received. You see, I am crying out for more of God in my life and wanting this and that of Him (not that these things aren't ok to want) but I was overlooking a very basic promise. Yes a promise. He said absolutely i can be certain that His presence will be with me (or you) when we walk in love!!!

Thats you girl! You are a saint of God! to your co-workers, to your friends, and yeah even to the people that annoy us. If we want more of God, all we have to do is walk in love! pretty cool huh?

This may be something that is very obvious to you, but for this gal in the hills it felt like fresh fire!

Happy wed! I have this silly grin on my face cuz it's awesome talking about God!

From: Jessica
Sent: Wednesday, December 05, 2007 1:23 PM
To: 'jennifer
Subject: RE: Deposit Received

We just have to walk into his love.

Could it also be that his love is already what we're walking in? Could we be walking in his love because this earth and all that are in it are fruits of his love and he is even currently loving the sinners of the most sinfulest of natures? Could it be that his love is already encompassing us and we are already walking in it, but that maybe we have shielded ourselves to it? Could it just be that we are already walking in his love and if we just shake off those walls and borders that we put around ourselves and let that love permeate into us, we'll be walking with an awareness of his love?

Maybe it's not that we need to walk into his love, maybe it's that we need to be aware that we're already doing it?

...email 2... i just kept thinking on her email and had to go farther:

When I (jennifer or Jessica) walk in love God is present"

Because perhaps right now we are walking in confusion.

Maybe we're walking in animosity, frustration, control, despair, self-pity…

Maybe walking in love isn't that the love is around us and we're walking into it. Maybe love is the way we are walking. When we are walking in love we are reflecting God. When we are reflections of God He is present.

Like, when Aidan does or says something I do or say I get all proud. Ahhhh, he's so sweet, he's just like me! He has my sense of humor, he values the things I value, my little guy is my little boy version of a mini-me. My heart swells with happiness and pride cuz I know that he's watching me and he wants to be just like me cuz I'm the best person out there!

So, imagine God's swelling heart when we live with a God focus and we try our hardest to overcome the sin we're born with and all the temptations and try to live like Him. Us living like God is much harder than Aidan living like me… So it means all that much more!

...email 3... answering Matt's question the night before, how do we bring others to God?

Because, maybe when we are walking in his love and we are a reflection of that love it draws people to look. If we are a reflection, they are looking at us and seeing themselves in God's love. Maybe when they see us walking in love it is inviting and they can easier see themselves walking in love. Maybe when they are looking for the love of God that is reflected through our walk, they can then see that the "No" is worth it. Maybe when they see the love through us, around us, reflecting from us, it gives them the permission and authority to seek it for themselves. When they decide to seek it for themselves God gives them someone to guide them, and that is how we bring them to God.

Not teaching them what they can't do and telling them why. Walking in God's love and inviting them to do it with us.

A Jessie Kind of Day

2007-11-28T19:06:00.000-08:00

So this morning I'm feeling pretty good and spunky. Fresh new hair cut, new dress, and I awoke with energy abounding. So I get ready for work and I'm about half an hour earlier than normal. So I see my neighbor boy outside and decide that Aidan and I don't have enough photos of the two of us that aren't arms length away. So I ask him to take our photo. We all head to the car b'cuz that's where my camera was.

So it's not there. So we all head back to the apartment. I grab my camera. The camera turns on but tells me that the batteries are dead and shuts off. I go back in and get the other rechargeable batteries which are fully charged. I put them in the camera and pose. Nope, batteries aren't working. So we say thanks anyway.

I drop Aidan off at school (he can't find his homework).

I head to Safeway to go to the Starbucks located inside. Today Star has an especially volatile customer coming in to sign loan docs and I thought starting her day with a surprise frappacino would be nice. I wait the 15 minutes in line to give my order. I wait the 5 minutes to get my drink. I walk back to my car with both hands full of coffee and a big huge purse on my shoulder while trying to keep my dress from flying up. Of course it's a windy day, of course my delicates are in danger of viewing, and of course I didn't take that into consideration when I put on this dress.

So walking like a retard in order to keep everything where it should be I make my way back to my car. I put the coffees on the hood and open the door. I place one cup inside. I place my purse inside. I grab the second cup, go to sit down and bang my head on the rim of the car door. While doing so I continue to sit. However, impulsively my hand flies up to my head. It's the hand with the coffee in it and the coffee bangs against that same spot where my head hit, flies out of my hand, lands on my lap upside down and proceeds to pour all over my dress, legs, seat and steering wheel.

Needless to say, I'm at work wearing no nylons and a dress above my knee, and I had to clean myself off in the bathroom so the whole front of my skirt is soaked. But there's still half a frappacino left and by golly I'm guzzling it with a big goofy smile. At least I still have my coffee!

Look Up Farther!

2007-10-29T17:50:00.000-07:00

I was thinking and I had to follow up my email to Buddy today (he's my buddy, my buddy, wherever I go, he goes, my buddy and me!)

So here's part deux of my blog titled "Look Up."
__________________________________________________

So remember that hole in your heart I was talking about last week? Remember how I said it's hard to dig out that aching echo of love and how part of that difficulty is the fear of a new, unfamiliar pain moving in? Well, what if a person replaced it?

No, not with another romance! That would just perpetuate the pain: cover it up and seal it in. No, what if you could clean that hurt and fear from your heart and stuff it with joy, happiness and purity? What if instead of leaving your heart open so that whatever may find it's way there can take up residence, what if you found that new tenant? Something that you can love. Something that leaves you full and whole. Something that doesn't distract you from your pain, because your pain has been removed, but something that focuses all your love and soul. What if that's the answer?

We don't have to be empty. We don't have to repair our wounds. We don't have to bleed any longer and suffer until we feel repentance is ours. We don't have to suffer for the love we lost, but instead rejoice that we have a new future and new possibilities! We can fill that hole our lost loves left, and we can fill it with love and joy. It's ours to take.

So take it!

You know what has been filling and stirring my heart. You can try that. Or you can go in deep into your mind and heart and think of the things you love, pursue them. Let them twist and turn and introduce you to new things, new possibilities, new love! Don't mistake: Love is not isolated to romantic love. Love of humanitarian works. Love of children.

Hey, maybe you could be a mentor to a boy without a dad or big brother! My friend Andy does that, I could ask him where to go.

Look Up!

2007-10-26T23:46:00.000-07:00

Hi there. So sitting in church last night I realized that I have SEVEN friends going through break ups. WOW! So I thought that maybe I should put this up here for the rest of those friends and for any who is suffering and hasn't come to me lately. This is a letter I wrote my buddy who had broken up with his longtime girlfriend about six months ago.

_______________________________________________

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." Helen Keller

Buddy,

You and I both need to remember this quote as we start to spiral into those feelings of missing our "other halves." We were both in relationships which neither of us could see ourselves staying in longterm and happy. Ultimately we knew this or we wouldn't have had the strength of character to do what we did. There wasn't any unforgivable sin- no adultery, murder, etc. There was no specific tangible ultimatum that was so terribly unforgivable (as much as I would like to think it was); but, we still held true to our standards because we know what is right for us. There is an ethical code to ourselves to which we held fast.

It is the war within our hearts. Our heads know we made the right choice. Our heart knows we made the right choice. But there is that little place that they were able to nestle into and whisper these songs of love. It is a warm and safe place buried down deep. It hurts to dig that deep and remove something so nestled. It feels so good to leave it there and taking it out would leave an empty hole. It's two polar opposites, no happy medium, and it screws with you!

It's a familiar pain. You know this pain, you and this pain have a close bond. What if you removed it and a new, unfamiliar pain moved in. What would you do then? And there is some certain thing about this loving pain buried deep. It has a name, and you love its name.

And you mind screams at you to cut it out of you, you know you should, and you wish you could, but you can't. So you figure you will suffer through it. I know that pain and that emptiness well, Billy. Alone in my bed, I am not alone because I have it there to keep me company.

I wonder though, do I keep it there because I fear that if I cut it out then Adam would cut his out and then I would no longer live in his heart? Why do I want him to keep me buried in there? What does it do for me? Does it ensure that we can always be together no matter how lonely each of us gets? Does it massage my ego to know that someone loves me in the depths of their heart? Does it warm my cold toes? Does it hold me in its arms? Does it look into my eyes and wipe my tears? NO!!!!! NO IT DOES NOT! It will not! It cannot! It is not love, but it is an echo of love! It is not there, it is the reverberations of love, reminding me what love felt like and keeping the pain alive and the wound open.

NO! I am in control, this is MY heart and I have taken it back. I am ready to let it heal. I don't want an echo and hollow love! I want to be filled with real love! I want to be held by real arms and kissed by real lips, memories cannot do that. And since I know that I could never fall safely into his arms and know that he is on my side and will stay by my side, then I have to acknowledge that it is self defeating to hold back from healing any longer. I can't waste my time holding his hole open any longer…

I am going to work, hang out with Aidan and my friends, mellow out, not go dancing and drinking so much and just live my life whole and fulfilled. And when I am not looking, I will not realize my whole heart is back where it should be, and then I will be ready to give it to someone worthy.

AND THAT'S WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
________________________________________________

Dear Reader,

Last night, while sitting in church it hit me. You don't need to worry about a new and unfamilar pain settling into your heart. You don't need to worry if you replace that original pain with happy, pure and joyful things! There will be no more room for the old pain, nor will there be room or time for a new one to fill your heart.

I have replaced that pain. I have dug out all that dead and diseased feelings from my heart and replaced it with love. The love of my son. the love of God. The love for my girlfriends. The love of helping and of being a shoulder for my sisterhood- and the one guy in my own little sisterhood (sorry buddy). I am whole and fulfilled in my life and am moving forward. One foot in front of the other, the sun on my face and a song in my heart (awwwe, do you hear the angels-a-singing and the bells-a-ringing?)

The Stirring

2007-10-21T19:45:00.000-07:00

But I think EVERYONE needs to come to The Stirring! Or at least to Church.

Since I have been coming to church regularly I now can say that I disagree with people who say that they can worship God from home and never go to church. I feel that having that community is important. I only know a couple people there. I am not popular. I don't hang out outside of church with anyone who I met at church. But going and lending my voice to the sound of worship; hearing how my offkey singing blends and humanizes the rest of the congregation; seeing other people's heads nod or looks of wonderment on there faces; it makes me feel like I am a part of something bigger. It makes me realize that the human race is yearning to be a part of something bigger and although we indeed ARE already a part of that, it is still not enough. We are intended to be interlinking, helping, lifting, and striving to be closer to God through being closer to each other. How do you do that alone in your living room?

How do you get another's perspective when you sit on your couch and interpret the Bible from your own biases? I love church! I love God!

When we sing I can picture myself on a rope, climbing to be closer to God. And I am. I am closer to God. Every Sunday I am closer to God. Every time I sit and hash it out and figure his Word out more, I am closer to Him.

Not only to I strive for my own salvation and that of Aidans, but I also want everyone I know to feel this. I want to shake people and love them and talk about all these amazing things I'm learning and feeling! It's astounding!

That guy, Matt, I introduced you to. He used to work with me. In fact, he was my direct supervisor. He is the reason I started coming to The Stirring. It is Matt and Anna who lead the lifegroup I attend and I'm getting to know them outside the work setting and watching their growth and they are watching mine and it is REMARKABLE! It's so exciting!

I want to be a reflection. I want people to look at me and see God. I want people to look at me and become thirsty for God. I want them to ask me what I have and how they get it. I want to look at them and I want them to see all the good in themselves and I want them to want to grow in that. I want to show them where to drink to satisfy that thirst.

I want God to open my heart and replace it with His. I want him to rain his fire into my heart. I want it to drip from his finger and land on me so that I may burn for him and that firey radience will consume me. I want my touch to burn and to spread and to draw people to my light so that they may draw closer to the Lord!

I feel that since Tuesday I really am a clean slate. I truly feel forgiven for my past. I really do feel loved unconditionally by God. Since my life was spared on Tuesday I feel like I am blessed and like everything is really going to be okay. It really is.

That's how I feel about that.

Strokes On The Canvas

2007-10-21T16:20:00.000-07:00

Strokes on the Canvas
(because "Brushes with Death" is just too cliché)

It was a dark and stormy night… ok, so it wasn't stormy, but it was dark. I was in a hurried state of mind and behind the wheel of a vehicle. Maneuvering through unfamiliar roads at about thirty-five miles per hour, I was also playing catch-up on my cell phone. I was doing everything that a twenty-nine year old knows better than to do. Irresponsibility was my middle name.

The funny thing (ha, ha) is that preceding the "accident" I was leaving my Tuesday night lifegroup. I had just gotten into a really good discussion, was frustrated that time had slipped through my fingers and I was reluctant to leave. I was pumped on learning more about God and I was filled with questions and connections!

Excitedly, I was chatting to one of my good girlfriends about life, the future, God… In my mind I was on a completely different street than that which I was actually traveling. You would think the absence of streetlights, homes, or civilization in general would have raised that internal red flag. Nope. Not stopping to breath or giving my friend a chance to get a word in edgewise I flew down that road talking a mile a minute.

"I was going to be late to get Aidan! I spent too long at my group! I gotta get there!" So peddle to metal in my little red jet.

Turns out every runway has an ending and mine ended with a deathtrap. In the pitch of night I came upon the end of the road about forty feet before it ended. The road stops with a fence. Not any ordinary ol' fence. This was intricately designed by Fortresses 'R' Us.

This fence guarded a large dirt mound topped with a fair sized boulder. With careful consideration, the creators of this fence secured it with solid wooden posts. They then threaded it with both standard chain and barbed wire, and the coup-de-gras was the steel rods that were jutting horizontally forward from the base of the fence. It was as though these rods were protecting a castle from armed intruders.

In the light of my high beams this monstrosity grew larger than life. Reactively I threw the phone to the floor, slammed my breaks, and turned that wheel as far right as it would go. Peaceful and secure in the knowledge that I was going to be okay, I was worried about wrecking my car during the skid. When it was over, my car lay stopped atop an embankment. The frame resting on the earth's peak and the wheels dangling.

Panic mixed with serenity. Is that was a true adrenaline rush feels like? Clarity and chaos? Whatever it was, I had it, and I had it bad.

I tried reversing off the embankment, and well, if there's nothing for the tires to grip, there's nowhere for the car to go. To no avail I called Matt and Anna. What was I thinking? They were leading the group, and like good leaders, they had shut off their phones. Next I call Lisa. She grabs her neighbor; her neighbor grabs his buddy and they both grab a tow chain. HALLELUJAH! RESCUED!

They show up and very carefully pull my car off the embankment. They cut all the barbed wire out from the tangled mess that it became in my undercarriage, do a once over to make sure my car is drivable and give me their blessings to drive home. I drive to Diego's place, pick up Aidan, drive home safely and go to bed a bit shaken.

Now, the ironic part is how the heck I didn't die.

Because what I didn't illustrate above are the other scenarios in which my fate could have been sealed. I will need to draw that picture now. You already have in your mind an image of the road's conclusion. Keep it there. Remember how those steel posts could have or should have punctured my car and found their way to my body. Think about how I could have been airborn off that dirt mound. Now, picture that my car actually ended up to the right of the road, up the embankment, and with my front driver's side tire just over the fence line (good thing they didn't care to fortress off the embankment!).

Now that you see in your mind's eye that my car resting next to that catastrophe of a fence, please also visualize a large, sturdy, old growth tree. As my car teetered, this tree was growing about ten feet from the passenger side door. Had I noticed the road's barrier sooner, I could have driven head first into that tree. Now, we all know that trees don't attack unprovoked and that they usually win their battles. Or, let's say for argument's sake that I noticed the road was ending even moments sooner that that, still having no time to safely come to a stop, and still skidding to the right, I would have headed face first down a steep and deep ravine. At best, a tow truck would have had to hawl out my car, at worst… well, let's not think of that.

But no. None of that happened! My car stopped on the softest and safest spot possible. My airbag didn't even deploy (is that good or bad?). Not a scratch on me. My car drove away!

This morning my tire was completely flat. A coworker came and changed it for me (I'm a single girl and no, I've never learned to change a tire). Rescued again! I'm dreading buying a new tire as I have the rest of the year budgeted and a new tire is not included in my holiday spending. I started out my day somber and my mood just plummeted to the verge of despondency… I started fishing through the glove box for my cone shaped party hat, cuz I was blasting that music at my pity party!

So later, I take my car to Northstate Wholesale Tire where I had recently purchased these bad boys, and they are able to patch the tire, put a new tube in it and charge me a grand total of $10. $10! I walked in there with a big sign above my head that said, "Cha Ching!" and instead of placing their bets, they cashed out honorably. Weights lifted off my shoulders while trumpets played in my pocketbook!

Last, and my own personal "straw that broke the camel's back," was the woman who sat in the office with me. She was in a huge hurry as she had a plane to catch in Sacramento. She was very gracious, but very assertive that her time was precious because an airline waits for no person. We both sat in that tiny, grimy office and we made small talk. She told me about her prescription glasses and why they are necessary. She educated me as to the most comfortable and fashionable brand out there. I loved it!

Well, I love listening and I love hearing people's stories. It's enthralling! So as we talked I discovered that she is a professor of psychology out at Shasta College. Now THAT is amazing!!!

I hate to jump subjects: but I feel a little background is necessary here. My undergrad was in business and human resources. I am utilizing that degree in commercial banking as a credit analyst. Back in March I went back to school for my Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology, and right now I'm taking a little break to get my own psyche and life in order so that I can tackle this endeavor with the respect and time necessary to become good at my new profession. But I worry. I worry because I went through all that work to get my degree in business and have discovered that I am completely uninspired and drained from the corporate monotony and droll that makes up each workday. Then I worry that I could make that same mistake again. I ask God for guidance and yet still feel whipped around by worry and fret.

But this was no coincidence. Did this woman really need her tires worked on so close to her traveling deadline? Did it really need to take an hour and a half to change the tube in my tire?

Do you see? Do you get this big, huge, larger-than-me picture???? Do you see it?

How many blogs have I written analyzing my life? How many times have you heard me say I am slowing down? How many times have I failed and lamented? How many times have I prayed for guidance, but how many times did I hold still long enough to listen?

Well, in that chilly dark night, stranded on a virtually uninhabited street, I bowed my head. Ok, I'm listening. What do I need to learn?

I gossip. I resent. I have trouble forgiving. I obsess about my weight. I help people and then sometimes feel begrudging about doing it. I am not as generous as I would like to think I am. I am calling my friend and asking for her generosity and that of her neighbor, while I have done minimal to help one of my girlfriends who is in dire financial straits. How have I lived my life to deserve any of this goodness and salvation from my idiocy behind the wheel? How have I represented my faith, myself, my son?

I asked. He answered. He needed to take me aside and shake me up like a parent who grabs their child when the child is not paying attention. The parent who grabs the child, shakes his shoulders and says, "listen to me or else!" and the child finally stops fidgeting long enough to listen. OK! I'm listening!

In that car I realized that while I can't help my friend financially, I have a keen business mind and as a child I grew up on Le Brun Lane. I broke the statistics. I was raised around welfare, drugies, alcoholics, I attended AA, Alanon and ACA with my mom because she couldn't afford a babysitter. I ate free lunches. We didn't have a car more often than we did. I rode public transportation. I graduated with a cumulative GPA of 4.1 from Simpson University (College). My car is paid off, I have a cute apartment, I'm climbing the ladder in business banking, and have a year left of my Master's degree. If there is anyone in this world who can teach my friend how to strap on your soldier girl boots and pull yourself out of the mire, it's me! And what do I do? I clean my apartment. Who cares if the apartment is clean while my FRIEND is suffering? Who am I?

THAT is what I was thinking as I was asking God what lesson I am to learn. I have a unique outlook on this life that very few have. I have empathy for heartbroken women, impoverished, middle class, retail workers, fast food employees, rat racers, students, single moms, alcoholics, children of alcoholics, negative self-talk, and yet… have you ever seen me without a smile? Have you ever been greeted by me without my standard, "what's up buttercup?" Have you ever wondered if it was fake, or do you feel it in your heart-of-hearts that I am filled with hope, wonder and genuine happiness?

Where is it? Where does it come from? Is THAT eschad?

Where does my strength come from? It comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth!

As I worry and doubt my path in this life He pulls me aside. While I'm listening and vulnerable He puts that woman at the tire store. When I was at my wits end, scared, alone, and dizzy with options and doubt, he reinforced me by putting the one person who could symbolize and reaffirm my path is the right one. Heck, He even saved my budget with the kindness of Don at Northstate Wholesale Tire, by giving me that tube at cost.

I am alive! My son still has his mommy! My car still runs! My tire is fixed! I know my career path and am resolute in finishing timely and with renewed vigor!

Life is good! God is good!

Let me remember this always.

When I start taking life for granted let the hologram of the treacherous fence dance in front of my eyes to remind me of my good fortune.

Let me not forget how deep God's grace runs in my life.

Let me remember that He smiled on me as He erased from my memory the accident of 07/00 that left me hospitalized for six days and with this hardware in my leg (other guy's fault that time!),

and let me preserve this memory of his saving grace last night.

The end.

...today...

2007-10-06T13:01:00.000-07:00

10-6-07

Today is my wedding day. Today I put on my dress and walk down the aisle to marry Mr. Valenzuela. Today I stand in front of friends and family and knowingly bind myself to an alcoholic with severe insecurity issues. The marriage wouldn't have helped if the engagement didn't. He would have just felt more secure in his shenanigans.

Nothing would have changed. Nothing would have been alleviated. If anything, it would have worsened because both he and I would have claimed that I knew what I was getting myself into. Thereby absolving him of any wrongdoing. I would have wasted all that money and time on a marriage that would have ended in divorce.

I hate him. He is evil to me. He manipulates words, actions and events so that I am ugly. I hate the me he reflects in his eyes. I hate the me that he beholds. I hate how he thinks I'm so pliable. I hate how pliable I become to please him and how disgusted he is by it.

I love my strength. I love that I was flailing through an abyss of confusion, false/forced love and projected inner turmoil. I love that I was slowly, horizontally sinking in a black tar. I love that the tar was clinging to my skin and working into my core. I love that the palpable degradation of innocence was throwing itself at my feet.

And mostly,

I love my biceps. I love my strong legs. I love my heart that knows how to love while also knows how to say, "enough is enough." I love the me who is reflected through my own eyes. I love the me who is reflected in the eyes of my friends. I love the me who is a child of God and knows how to both be strong as stone and tender as a caress.

I do not hate him. I love him. I love the lessons I learned because of him. I love my empathy and the access to a sisterhood I never knew before. A sisterhood of scars and strength. A sisterhood encompassing the compassion of resilience, of helping hands and silent understanding. A sisterhood that permanently cements existing bonds and opens your eyes to the radiance of the sisters standing before you. I love him for that.

I love him, because if I had not loved him, I would not have challenged myself to become who I can be, who I will be, who I am on my way to becoming and who I am now. I love him because he saw things in me that I was too scared to see in myself. I love him because he had faith in me when I had none, and I love him because he too is a child of God and the man with whom I was once going to spend my life. But I do not love him enough. I do not love him enough to sacrifice my soul and myself. I do not.

Today was my wedding day. Today I will celebrate. Today is a new day. Today I am healthy and loved. Today I am confident and beautiful. Today I am strong. Today I walk on solid ground. Today I sing.

Your Wedding

2007-10-03T15:39:00.000-07:00

Last week I was talking to one of my girlfriends and we were exchanging life stories, she made me stop mid-story and she said, "you are Amazing! Do you know that?"

And you know what I just realized? Someday, I want a man who looks at me and thinks, "Wow, she's amazing." And I want to be able to look at him and think, "Wow, he is really amazing." I guess mutual appreciation for our amazingness.

And that's how I know that I thwarted making the biggest mistake of my life. That is how I know that your wedding on Saturday was meant for you and not for me. I was not intended to be the bride on Oct. 6th because when I think about that man, I do not think to myself about how amazing he is… and I want to love the amazingness of the man I'm marrying…

Amazing doesn't mean perfect. I'm not so foolhardy as to look for "the perfect man." In fact, I'm not so foolhardy as to look. The amazingness in me is that I know that I have always been, can be, and am my own "rock." I have proven that with steadfast determination. I have plowed forward through so many hardships in this life. Never has my path been one on which I had envisioned myself traveling, but always I have come through better off for my journey (usually with a couple bumps and bruises that eventually heal).

Nope, that fella didn't see any amazingness in me for he was so busy concerning himself with none other than himself. I saw and loved him for all his amazingness while love blinded me to his turned head. So that now, with bright eyes and a clear head I can see him for his corruption and black-heartedness.

Now and then, though, I do miss that naïve devotion I felt. I miss giving the unconditional love and the misperception of receiving it in return. Those moments are fleeting and I'm sure that once I make it through this landmark of 10-6-07. Once I don't get married on that day, but instead celebrate the true love shared between my friend and her soul mate, I will step forward into a new age of Jessie.

All this 'building' has prepared me for that, and although I've been forlorn (and probably will continue) at the thought of my impending wedding date passing me by with no flowers, no vows, no husband. The idea of tragedy that watching another woman marry on the day I was supposed to darn my wedding dress might stir emotions in my heart- but it is the sentiment, the IDEA of it all that stirs me, not the ACTUAL loss.

And so I am delighted and overjoyed to celebrate the commencement of your married life! I am thoroughly honored that you would ask that I be witness to the binding of your love! I am so excited to spend my Saturday evening as a part of your most beloved friends and family! You are such a wonderful friend and your groom compliments your uniqueness so perfectly that it gives me hope that someday, like you, I will find my compliment (no hurries though! Yikes!).

I am Jessie

2007-09-24T00:59:00.000-07:00

Something inside me is burning. It's welling up and it's forcing its way out. Out of my heart, out of my mind, out of my soul; it consumes me. Through my fingers and from my tongue it spills. It is toxic. It is killing me. It is killing the self-defeating me. It is inspiring me. It is working itself around in my veins. It is lovingly purging the ghetto of my mind, it is repainting and repairing. There is no where to run; no where to hide. But in all its glory it pulls me from the shadows and allows me to bask in its truth. In all its love it burns me from the inside-out. It seeps from my skin, smelling sweetly. It is not me... and yet... it is the essence of who I am. And I am Jessie.

Nappy 'Nawers Club-O-Rama

2007-09-17T18:16:00.000-07:00

So in a fit of inspiration my muse and I have come up with a new diet. It's not a "diet-diet," but a way of life. In fact, if our hypotheses are correct, we could market this new-fangled idea and become MILLIONAIRES!

No, it's not Debbie Dallas' Daily Diet Diary, which was my freshman attempt of diet interventions- (that one resulted in severe hospitalization for poor Debbie… malnutrition).

Have you ever wondered why rabbits have such strong and healthy teeth? Have you ever seen an obese bunny with a burger in its mouth? Have you ever been hopping down your bunny trail and gotten a hankering for a cold, crisp, chuck of celery? Well, my friend, you're in for a treat! A diet to satisfy not only your comestible longings, but also those daydreams of your dentist and gastrointestinologist!

Finally, you CAN please all the people all the time!

Based upon many thoroughly researched theoretical articles in highly respected literary publications such as US Weekly, Star, People, and Teen Beat, it has come to our attention that celery is a negative calorie food. In fact, according to Dallas, D. (1996) your body burns five calories for each stalk of celery consumed.

WoW! A five-calorie deficit by EATING! Generally accepted principle assumes that in order to lose one pound a week, an individual must burn 3500 calories more than she consumes. That's it!!! So when we do the simple math, that's only 700 stalks of celery a week. Averaged out among a six day dieting week (cheat-day will be discussed further), that's 116.6 stalks a day, or 6 stalk an hour *assuming that our dieter is sleeping eight hours a night. And who can't do a stalk in ten minutes, every waking hour, when they don't need to set aside time to exercise? It's so totally doable!

Throw away those sneakers, drive your happy arse to the grocery store and pick up a case o' celery! Not only is this figure friendly and efficient, but your pocketbook is happy too: No gym membership, no expensive grocery bills on fancy foods, and celery is only 32 cents per head! It's win/win!

So knaw away, my friends, knaw away.

Six days a week, that's all you commit to, that's all it takes. And on your seventh day, on that day, it's pure heaven. Add carrots, add cukes, heck, go crazy and throw in a tomato! But only one, you don't want to lose a whole week's worth of work, let's not go overboard meow- show some self control.

Benies of The Diet to End All Diets:

ø Never at a loss for floss!

ø Tough bleeding gums that can handle even the dentist from Little Shop of Horrors.

ø Have you ever met an "irregular" vegan?

ø You're sure to get in your FDA recommended five-a-day.

ø You are what you eat, and celery is skinny!

ø No need for olestra!

We may be the masterminds behind this diet, but Nicole Richie is our "unofficial" spokeswoman and chairman of the Nappy 'Nawers fan club.

Should you choose to participate in this revolutionary lifestyle, we implore you to post your success stories- including before and after photos.

~The Darling One & Purple P*cess

Song of the Siren

2007-09-07T23:34:00.000-07:00

song of the siren

I just never know when the mood is going to strike. I can't call upon it like a Greek calls upon his gods, but now and then a bit of ambrosia drops down and blesses my mind and tongue.

Today is such a day!

Oh glorious day!

It is such a sweet escape from the work day to be able to feel the drip-dropping on my mind. Numbers float in front of me; they swim in the back of my mind, and deadlines hover over me menacingly. While I feel the breath of the boss on my neck and the ceaseless pleading inquiries from my cohort I can sometimes immerse myself in the words on the page. If there is nothing to dive into, nothing to read, then I create something.

Emails. Letters. Stories. Thoughts. Words. MUSIC!

So Melissa and I were reading this article about how today's single women are becoming fembots. Female robots. Women who date not to find Mr. Right, but because dating is fun. Women who are strong and confident. Women who have interests and friendships and who don't need to be in relationships to make them happy. Women who are not afraid to ask a man out on a date and then pay (and then not call later). Women are becoming as cavalier about dating as men are! And so that was my inspiration.

As we sent little emails back and forth today with a little fembot joke here and there. Tales telling of a recent date one of us went on we realized, oh my god, we're turning into fembots.

At first we thought, oh no! There goes our naivite! There go those dreams and hopes of "happy ever after." There go surprises and the feelings of excitement before a date. There go all the things we know as we turn into these robotic women who are untouchable and heartless.

NO! Our fears materialize!

Dread fills our hearts!

And then

An awakening

An inkling

A taste

Of the freedom and happiness of the fembot.

We have not lost that which made us who we are. We are still loving and lovable. We are just less vulnerable. We are just in control. We are women. All woman.

We are temptresses. We are sirens as we sing our songs without fear of the pain that comes from those shipwrecked sailors' words and promises. We are sirens who sing in the joy of our bodies and the sun and the surf and the life that is OURS.

We are temptresses. We can enchant as we sashay across the dance floor without regard to any of the hungry eyes following our movements. We care not about the wolves for we are not prey. We do not fear their growl, we do not cower as they crouch for the pounce. We smile. Our eyes stop them in their tracks.

We are temptresses. We don't play the game like you want us to play it. We don't have to. We don't want to. We live in our own skins. We dance in our own bodies. We swim naked through the crowds as we have nothing to hide and everything to give. We don't hide behind veils of pretenses; we don't laugh at the inadequacies of others.

We don't run, but we don't settle. We know our boundaries and we know that sometimes it is thrilling to cross them. So wild we run. Not away do we run, nor do we run toward anything. We just run.

Someday, we will have someone strong enough to run with each of us.

Someday, someone will come along who is willing to love and accept us and will chase us while we chase them back.

Someday, one person will hear the song of this siren. Someday, I will tempt only he who has proven his worth. For a siren is strong and stubborn, but oh so worth it.

Fembot

2007-09-07T23:07:00.000-07:00

Fembot!

I think I like Fembot me.

I like her because she could care less, but doesn't.

Fembot Me is cool and collected.

Fembot Me is just above callous and just below conservative.

This new amalgam of Jessie, Jessica, and Fembot

This assimilation of old and new, a funky twist, a psychedelic becoming.

It's a topsy- turvy turning, spiraling together innocence and desire.

It's the kind of sex that radiates from your skin without giving in.

Carnal desires exude from this Fembot.

Promising

Luring

Taunting

Seducing

Giving in… rarely.

I think I like Fembot Me.

Fembot!

A Jabez Weekend

2007-09-03T14:14:00.000-07:00

Wow!

What an incredible weekend! It started out so haphazard and you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20.

Let me start back, wayyyy back…

June, my mom was going to come visit. She flaked

July, my mom was flying me out to visit. She flaked.

August, my mom was going go come visit. Guess what? She flaked.

So I'm feeling a little sensitive about it…

With everything happening in my life already, I also have a long-lost sister in Albany Oregon who's oldest daughter is getting married. I've told her that I would come to visit and attend the wedding. As the date draws nearer and the stress of life piles higher on my shoulders, dread of the long lonely drive north creeps in and threatens my sanity.

Hallelujah!

My little sister Jennifer and her mom, Esther, decide to make that trek from Modesto and pick my up along the way.

My heart SORES!

I have NEVER gotten a chance to have girl-time with my younger and longer-loster sister and now I get to have a 6-hour drive each way!!! Just the three of us girls!!! My dream come true! Now I know that all my impending deadlines at work and out of it can be met because I am now refreshed in the knowledge of my upcoming girl-time.

Alas, Friday comes, and guess what…

They cancel.

yep.

I actually had to take an early lunch because now I have inconsistency coming at me from both sides of my family. Maybe it was the culmination of the stress of late and the flakiness of my mom. But I actually cried a little over it. Yeah, I threw myself a pity-party and invited me to come as the guest of honor.

Okayyyyyy, so now the background is done…. Here's the story….

I head north and stay the night in Medford with Karen, Brad and the kids. Kare Bear and I stayed up visiting 'til 1:30, when we reluctantly went to bed. The next morning I finished my drive, attended the wedding, went to bed, etc.

Had Jennifer and Esther gone with me we would have turned around and left the following day (Sunday). Since they stayed behind, I stayed an extra day. Sunday afternoon my sister, Melinda, tells me to read this book called The Prayer of Jabez. I try to start it twice, but get distracted by the kids and my dire need for a nap! Priorities right? Sleep!

So then that night I read a couple pages.

Then awoke at 4:00am thinking, "I've got to finish that book." My eyes were bleary and I was sooooo tired. So I put the book down and rolled over.

Next, I awoke at 6:00am thinking, "I've got to finish that book." My eyes were bleary and I was sooooo tired. So I put the book down and rolled over.

Finally, I awoke at 7:00am thinking, "I've got to finish that book..." and then, "FINE GOD! I'll finish that darn book if You think it's so important!" And so I finished it. And then I prayed.

Aidan and I got in the car at 8am and after random incidental stops, we were on the road by 8:30. I was stressing out because I had a plan and didn't know if I could or should carry it out. See, Aidan's paternal great-grandmother lives in Eugene (just thirty minutes south of Albany) and I wanted Aidan to have the opportunity to see her.

All I could think was:

"I divorced myself out of this family."

"It's 8:30am, no one will be up."

"I would have to call Aidan's grandmother to get the number."

"I can't pop in with thirty-minutes announcement."

"Will Diego and Kristy get upset?"

"How is she going to act being that I'm the ex-wife of her grandson?"

But still, I just couldn't be all the way up there and not give it the good ol' college try, since she is super old and you never know how long you have 'til The Big Guy calls ya home. What if this is Aidan's last opportunity? So nervously I do it. I call Ann, my ex-mother-in-law. She is happy to hear from me! Really? AWESOME! She gives the the phone number and driving instructions to the house. I call Grandmommy (the great-grandma's name) and request to come over.

It turns out not only is Grandmommy happy to have us stop by, but Aidan's great-uncle Mike from Portland, great-uncle Pat from Tucson (who hadn't been up in a decade) & second-cousin Psalm is there! Aidan got to meet family he hadn't ever met before and some he hadn't seen since he was two (does that even count?). He got to see Psalm's children and we got to see that bashfulness is definitely a genetic trait. Wow! What an opportunity!

What if I had just driven right past Eugene?

What if I had let my fear and pride win?

How awesome for Aidan! How awesome that he is old enough to remember that forgever!

So I was already in awe before I got there. I'm in awe and I can see that this is more than cosmic karma... Then it just keeps going...

Somehow along the way of conversation it was mentioned within those two hours that Aidan and I have been attending church regularly. Uncle Pat asks where we fellowship, and I tell him about The Stirring (www.thestirring.org). Then I tell him about how I believe that everything up to now was devinely intended.

(before I go on- a recap) had Esther & Jenn come, I wouldn't have read The Prayer of Jabez (1 Corinthians 4:9, 10) because we would have left before Melinda had me read it. Had they come we would not have stopped in Eugene. Had they come, my poor stressed out Melinda (mother-of-the-bride) would have not had the energy to have quality time with either of her sisters.

NOW, as I'm telling this to uncle Pat, his wife gets up and leaves the room. When she returns she tells me this story:

The night before she had gone to the store for family movie snacks. She saw this book and felt compelled to buy it. "I already have it" she thought, and put it down. She still had to buy it, and so she did. After hearing my chain of events she went and got it. It's the next book after The Prayer of Jabez (loosely, it's sequal) called A life God Rewards: Why Everything You Do Today Matters Forever and so she inscribed on the first page and gave it to me as she felt I was the reason she bought a book she already owned.

I guess WE had an appointment...

GOD IS AWESOME!

What a chain!

While I'm feeling sorrowful that both sides of my family are canceling on me; while I'm throwing my pity-party thinking about how I spend every holiday either alone or as a guest in a friend's home; while I'm just despondent, dejected and just plain down God brings these events so that He can:

A) Show me that He has a greater plan.

B) Show me love:

a. Karen and her family loved on me (Saturday KareBear also felt compelled to leave me a voice mail telling me I was missed and how inspiring I am with my strength, courage, kind-heart, etc).

b. My sister and her entire maternal side of the family folded me into their arms. Her mom sat with me at the reception, her sister hung out with me and I got to love on her babies. Her daughter was my shadow. My sister and her husband were my friends and supporters.

c. My ex-husband's family made me feel welcome and loved. More welcome and loved than I felt when I was a part of the family in the first place! They loved all over Aidan and told stories that I can remind Aidan of later and even included me in a photo when I was perfectly happy with exclusion.

This is way too much in one weekend to be mere coincidence. This is a testament to GOD!

HE is so good!!!!

What This Woman Wants

2007-08-27T18:35:00.000-07:00

So Melissa and I were going back and forth via email today. We were talking about how the month of September should be a month of reflection since my life has been so hectic. So I am copy-and-pasting the last email I sent as I feel like it should be "out there." I dunno, maybe I'm just in a mood today too... who knows... happy reading!

I think that I would rather have a friendship with someone that evolves into more. Then that person is my friend. There's not all that "getting' to know ya" or "are we compatible" jargon. You can feel confident in the relationship because you've had more than that before the romance. Swooning soon fades and you're left with friendship anyway.

I don't want to be surprised with who someone is after the swooning has faded. I don't want that for whoever I'm dating to feel about me. What I want is a friend. A friend that knows how stupid and silly I am because I've never put up those dating walls. A friend who has seen me in my scummy camping clothes, baggy unsexy jammies, feeling sick, or "heaven forbid" held my hair back when I've tossed back one too many (and doesn't think any less of me- for more than that moment). A friend who I know isn't in it for a roll in the hay, but a friend who appreciates me for all the idiosyncrasies, good or bad, that make me who I am. And you know what, even more than that, I want to be able to give all of those things to someone else when that time and person are right.

But how do you do that when you're dating because you think the other person is attractive or clever? How do you do that when you think the person seems like they could be that friend, and then your little heart goes pitter-patter. You don't really know them, nor do they know you. So then the getting to know you stuff is kind of mandatory, right? Is there a way around that? Chilling out with a group of mutual friends? Is that how it works? People who know people you know? People who can vouch for someone's authenticity? But that doesn't stop the second question listed above, does it? Hmmmmm… I dunno.

I don't want to become a fembot. I don't want to learn how to date. I don't want to subconsciously learn the rote systems of dating. I don't want to "tell my story" only to have to tell it again later. I don't want to feel shy.

I like me. I think I'm fun and funny. I just hope that someday I have a friend that thinks so too. No, I know you think so girl. I know that my girlfriends love me for the milk that comes out my nose when I laugh too hard, or ALL THE TIMES I put my foot in my mouth- constantly, good thing I have clean feet from all that slobbering I'm constantly doing while they're in my mouth! But you know what I mean. How do you make a friend like that though? I mean, really, as an adult, how do you just let go and have fun and have it not be a date or have it not have pressure for future sex or romance? (confusing sentence to follow)And how do you come to terms with what you want when that's what you want, but you don't know how to want it or facilitate following it through? I want more than that and I want less at the same time. Does that make any sense at all?

Although I have this high libido, I don't want it to define me. And I don't think it really does- except for a couple days a month when we lock me up! At the same time, I miss not having to control it- remember those days? When we were both in our respective relationships and that was the one good thing: no diseases, no holding back, no abstinence, no worries…

I guess by taking September off school, unplugging my computer, limiting my time on the phone and focusing on myself and my body (marathon training- does this relay REALLY count as a marathon?) I'll have plenty of time for self-reflection and figuring what I want. I know what I want professionally (I think), I know what I want spiritually- to become a better Christian, I know what I want as a mother (this month will help to facilitate achieving some of that), but what do I want in the other arenas?

I know that I have said that I don't want a relationship 'til after school. But a wise person once told me that you can't pick your timing, when the right person is in front of you then you can't say no because it's just not a good time. NOT THAT I HAVE FOUND THE "RIGHT" PERSON. I was just quoting. But ever since he said that it has stuck in my mind. I'm always trying to find meaning to what's going on in my life. I'm always trying to plan my days, weeks, months, year. What would happen if I just didn't? What would happen if I just went with the flow of things?
I know I don't want to be alone forever, but at the same time I'm not really afraid of it either. I would rather be alone than be with a dude just because I didn't know how or want to be alone for the sake of it. This past 'almost year' has been really great! I don't want to be in another tumultuous relationship like those last two. I think that's how or why I want more than that. That is why I'm so picky and why I don't really date and why I don't chase guys or go "boy crazy."

I guess I just want to know where my life is going and I want to feel safe in my life, my love, my heart. But are any of us really safe? Wouldn't complete safety be so totally boring? I do love jumping off the bridge into the water, I do love to try new things, meet new people and I do love a fast rollercoaster ( just don't want to live on one).

I want stability. I want family. I want structure. I want spontenaity. I want excitement. I want a home. I want to travel. I want run fast and far, and then I want to go home and rest.

Well, anyway, enough of that! I'm sooooo looking forward to our marathon! I'm also really excited about our potential rafting trip and our hike up Castle Craggs. We're doing the hike regardless of the raft right? If we can't do the raft then we're hiking and if we do the raft then we're going up the mtn the next day, right? Or I guess I will at least!

Ok, here is my vow to me: I will NOT become a total fembot. I will not allow myself to harden. I will just be me and make friends and not worry about anyone else except Aidan. I will just do my thing. Oh yeah, remember in January when I said, "I will be authentic." Yes, that's just IT! I will be authentic! Forgot, oops, old habits die hard…

Was there a point to this email? No. Just venting. Sorting it all out. Thanks for listening…

Love Hurts, Friends Heal

2007-07-31T17:05:00.000-07:00

I have this girlfriend who I regularly talk to via email. In many respects we are in the same place in our lives. She has given me some sage advice and in turn I do what I can to reciprocate (not that I'm exactly qualified!). I also have a couple other girlfriends on here who have been feeling indecisive in their respective love lives. So, I decided that maybe some of you could benefit from my conversation with Mandy (*names have been changed to protect the innocent):

Jessie said:

I think I've said those very same words. It's so hard when we can see the wonderful POTENTIAL in a person. The thing is, when I look at some intelligent, bright girlfriends who are filled with potential and see how they CHOOSE to live their lives I have to also apply that to the love in my life. Think of all the people whose potential goes unfulfilled. How arrogant of women like us to think we could inspire someone to reach their potential just because we want them to and we believe in them. They have to believe in themselves.

On a grander scale, it would be considered codependence. Of course, we see it and disassociate ourselves rather than continue the pattern- so we're not codependent.

I know you love him. It's okay to keep loving him too. There are reasons you fell in love with him. Mandy, you are such a smart, loving, witty, caring woman. You wouldn't choose to spend your time and your heart on someone who wasn't worth it in some way. You are also strong, intelligent and self-aware enough to know when he is going to start pulling you down to his level rather than rising to yours. You have been through heartache and heartbreak and you have grown stronger and more resilient every time. You already know that you will move on and find a man worthy of you when He deems it necessary.

Tom brought you back to God, he served His purpose. Maybe leaving him and his childish ways will be what Tom* needs in order to reach his own potential. Maybe leaving him and his childish ways will open you up to that wonderful person that God is preparing to place in front of you. Maybe Tom's timing bringing you to God and keeping you from Billy (nonbeliever) is exactly what you needed at that time. You wouldn't have grown toward God but rather away from him had you and Billy gotten together at that time.

But maybe this is a new time.

You were floating around in your raft. You had your oars but no direction in which to paddle.

You were floating in indecisiveness. Now you can grab those oars, throw the stone from the boat, and move in the direction you know you WANT to go. How great does it feel to be on your way? How great does it feel to have a destination? How great does it feel that you don't NEED anyone to get you there?

When romance comes your way it will be because you want it. It will be because it's right. It will not be a test or a ploy to get something from each other (other than the usual that you grow and learn together in your love).

I SEE YOUR POTENTIAL! I know you can and will rise to it! Just like a lover can see the good and can be inspired to nourish her love's potential- a friend can do the same. And Mandy, you have it girl. You are meant for good things in this life.

You are not your job. You are not your friends. You are not your boyfriend. You are a wonderful, independent woman autonomous from all that is around you while simultaneously influencing and being affected by all those in your life.

You live just like your signature line says: Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.- George Eliot

Have a great and inspirational day! Chin up, good things are coming your way!

(me, august 11th!!! Ha!)

Jessiedoll

Mandy says:
Yeah, I haven't really figured out how I'm going to handle the part of my heart that's still in love with him.

Jessie says:
Sigh.You handle it with gentle, loving hands. You protect it safely in those hands while you stroke that love and let it melt by the wayside. You let the romantic love melt away and filter through your fingers while you hold onto all the good things that you got out of being in that relationship. You can hold onto the human love and the friendship love. That's the same way you handle his heart when you see him at church.

You sit on the other side. You go to a different service. You handle your heart the way your heart loves you to handle it.

Mandy says:
"You handle your heart the way your heart loves you to handle it."

So very true. My heart will tell me how to handle it. Thanks Jess.

Silly Willy

2007-02-08T13:45:00.000-08:00

I am in the silliest mood right now. Why does this plague me at 1:08am?

Am I not good enough to suffer with the sniffles? To stay awake because I've caught the cleaning bug and when I waken to a sparkling apartment I will be blessed with a sense of accomplishment. Alas, No!

The sillies. That is my fate. Sinking in the mire of 'goofy' alone. Have you ever mucked through this mud? Yes, mud. Because I'm stuck in it! To be wide awake, for your eyes to rebel from sleep and your mind to mock the hour, to find everything you read to be a source of supreme humor and thus perpetuating the cycle of insomnia. Do you know that?

No, it's not the introspective, pondering of lying in bed while sleep evades you. That's not funny. There's no humor in that torture, that's just sad. No, my night is filled with intrigue, sarcasm, and lame dudes looking for some cyber-strange. These are my favorites. They just don't get it.

When a girl responds asking you if you've named your biceps "Law" and "Order" you probably shouldn't respond back with another stupid pickup line. Maybe pick up your pride, put it in your pocket and shuffle off to bed. Cheers to ya!

This silly willy is going to try to get some shut eye. Hey, maybe I'll have sweet dreams!