J-Swan's Message

Hi there,

So my friend J-Swan and I were emailing and she gave me permission to post this email from her to me. It was so incredibly touching and so applicable to my girlfriends that I am so compelled to put it here for you.

As I read this a second time I found so much more worth than that which I read the first time. I would encourage you to read it today, mull it over, and then read it again in a day or two.

Jessie

Dear Jessica

I will do the best I can to answer your email from last week. I do not feel God has given me the green light to leave the mountain yet. I realize my need for Him is far greater than my need for socialization right now. You see, I was very narcissist. I was very depressed a lot and "introspective" simply because I loved paying attention to me. I was teased mercilessly in high school and I hated the attention. I wanted to disappear…the more I wanted that it was like the more they noticed me. I decided I would not allow this anymore. I figured if I was going to get attention I would be in CONTROL of when I got it and how. I changed. I dropped God, I dropped my morals, I went into debt buying sensual clothing, and controlled my weight like a mad woman… all uncontrollable behavior. You want to know what's behind this? Satan. Yes that is an easy answer, however I must take responsibility for WHAT I DID WITH HIS TEMPTATION.

…He convinced me that thinking on myself wasn't such a bad thing after all if I didn't look out for J-Swan who would. He then convinced me to find my beauty and worth extrinsically. Yes. I became obsessed. You may be wondering what my obsession was. I wanted male attention and I wanted it bad. No cost. Nothing was too high. I was hurt by my insecurities and therefore I decided to be in control. I was in such deep deception at this point I couldn't even see that my being in "control" was killing me. "Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy" John 10:10...Yes, he uses us against ourselves. I have several people who can attest to this, I could attract any guy I wanted. Even ones that were out of my league in all natural respects. Is that odd? Nope. Satan is able to bring about things that are otherwise not possible so long as he can continue to influence us to the point of death.

I loved bar hoping, texting, pix texting because it was a game of seduction. That game turned into a thing called fantasy. Yes, fantasy for me as well as the men who I attracted. What happens in fantasy? The men crave what I give and I am controlled by the need for their attention. Even though I thought I had power over them. It was about making sure I was the most detached, the most spontaneous, hard to reach dame out there. I made sure that no one touched my heart…..even though inside I longed and wondered what it would be like to feel again. To actually be living. I loved having cute, sensual pictures of me to give them because they craved them and it was enough to get their minds going. I tell you this Jessica not to brag. I tell you this because I fear this is something not talked about and if you say you have a similar past to mine and are on the same journey as me, then I plead with you to listen to me and take this very very very seriously. I decided I better pay attention when God began to reveal these things to me. God isn't to be taken lightly…I've learned that the hard way---

I decided to look up what fantasy means: Unrestrained, an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need, a supposition based on no solid foundation.
And synonyms for fantasy: self-deception, snare, monster.

That last one was me Jessica. I became a monster. I wanted men to see me. To like me. To be captivated by me. To be enthralled. Did this happen? You bet. Sex can do that. What did this do to me? It convinced me that I had really nothing else to offer but what I was giving and portraying. I believe you are serious about Christ. If you are wanting to be truly filled in Him, then it will mean you laying everything down at His feet and being honest with yourself and with Him. You see, the thing about God is that He see's where we are really at. I would try and pretend I didn't want those things anymore, but I wouldn't give up ALL of it. ALL of it meant me not longing and desiring men around me non-stop like they had been for over a decade.

Jessica I pray for you every day. I know you are Royalty. Now that you have come to the knowledge of Christ, you are HIS. His beloved bride worth far more than you can imagine. I want you to know that I can not move because I am utterly dependant on Him to continue and finish this work that He started in me. I have many things to overcome and I am, through Christ. I don't want to be broken and attach God's name to it. You see, that's why I turned from God in the first place. I thought why do I need Him if people are still really messed up and just as bad as non-Christians….so now I fight. I fight hard. This is a battle and it's not for quitters. I refuse to give up. I refuse to let the old J-Swan convince me that partying, attention seeking, drinking, promiscuity (even in the most minor forms) are what I want. I very much try to pray without ceasing like the Bible commands. I don't pray to think about myself, I pray to get me off myself! God help me!

I am desperately captivated by God. Hence forth I am His. I have no right to use my body as a thing to attract and seduce. I do not fear. For the Word says if God is before me, who can be against me. I do not dare look at my life and be disgruntled. For I have tasted and experienced the most divine love. He took me from the midst of it all and said, "She is mine. This one is mine." I would like to share my love story found in Hosea.
Hosea 2:6 "Therefore, behold I will hedge up your way with thorns and wall her in
So that she can not find her paths. She will chase her lovers, but not overtake them. Yes, she will seek them, but not find them. Then she will say "I will go and return to my first husband (Christ) for it was better for me then.
Vs.14 "The Lord says, Therefore, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness and speak comfort to her. I will give her vineyards and the Valley of Achor as a door of Hope. She shall sing there as in the days of her youth…And it shall be in that day she no longer calls me Master, but calls me Husband."

I love these because I can't think of better verses to describe how I was. I chased after all sorts of lovers (doesn't have to be men only), but I never could catch them….we can never find love in anything other than seeking Him with our whole hearts. I want to be a holy, living sacrifice for Him. I've spent years running, I beg God to use the rest of my life as an offering to Him! I love you!
God Bless you!

J-Swan