just questioning

Can you tell me where your strong belief came from? As a child, where did you get it? I'm just curious...just questioning!

You know, I'm not really sure. Let's see... we went to a different church all the time. We'd go to one for about a year, then quit church for a while, then go to a different one. We tried all the different denominations of protestant Christianity (which just means we protested Catholicism and are "just Christian").

I think around age fourteen we just stopped going. But I still went to Wednesday youth groups on my own. There was one walking distance down the road.

But once I turned 16 working and living life was more important.

Diego and I got married by my friend's dad who's a pastor. So then we'd go here and there to the church he worked for (and now going back to it on Christmas I can see why it didn't inspire me to keep going- it's like the old painting of velvet elvis in the basement, it's beautiful to the old people who bought it, but I need an electric elvis for my wall). Then I didn't go to church again until my relationship with Adam was coming to a close.

I suddenly started listening to AirOne (Christian alternative) and then started attending the church across from my apartment. I was still going there during the breakup, but I just wasn't really feeling "it" about that place. I liked the band, but didn't feel like the pastor was very educating. Then a guy I worked with invited me to this one.

The first sermon was about how Jesus' first miracle was to extend the party by making more wine and pointing out that while Jesus and his family had been invited to the wedding, all the diciples had not. So he crashed it with his buddies. His mom is the one who confronted him to make the wine. So the Elvis in the basement was suddenly more relatable... no longer some dingy old velvet canvas that everyone else "got" but now he was this electric Elvis who was a little more like me than I thought.

So I started attending regularly because I wanted to see what he had to say. I wanted to see if the pastor was just spinning things so people would hear what they wanted. But what was happening was it was actually making me take a look at my own faith. It was challenging me to think for myself. He was able to apply biblical teachings to things that were happening to me right then (my pastor is 30 and the congregation averages between 20-35 years old).

Did you read my blog: Strokes on the Canvas? It was really what happened that night that solidified my faith to the unwavering it is now. I was nonchalantly Christian before, comme ci comme ca... I believed but wouldn't have wanted anyone to ask me questions about it. And now I say, "bring it on!" I don't know much about doctrine- but that's why I don't practice "religion."

"Religion" is about changing what you do on the outside in order to appease a higher power. That's not what Jesus taught. He wants you to change yourself from the inside out. He said "what good is it to only love those who love you?" He instructs you to love those you wish ill of you, because that's where the struggle is, that's the action that deserves reward. But how do you FAKE LOVE? You can't fake love in your heart, you can fake act like you love someone. But He wasn't telling you to ACT like you love someone. He was directing you to facilitate a verb.

That's the difference. Religion is doing what you are supposed to do because you were told to do it and if you do it then you are right. Following the guidelines. Walking the walk, talking the talk... maybe... no one's perfect...

To me, this is about more than that. It's about changing who I am on the inside to reflect my beliefs. It's about learning to forgive, and then doing it. When you change the inside, your mind, your heart, you invariably change your outside and end up accidentaly following doctrine... That's what he was getting at.

You don't use people. You don't use yourself.


Send me the link to your blog! You're freakin' amazing!

I just can't get into religion. I see too much of it around me here and it seems very hypocritical. Then there's that creepy Pastor on TV who wrote the Purpose Driven Life. He's kinda gay.

I may have said this before, but I admire Christians to a degree. I admire that they find peace in thinking that some higher power will take care of them....although all one has to do is look at the poverty and suffering on this planet...so do they think that they are better than the staving child in Rwanda? It's just so illogical to me.

Ha! Thinking too deep to be @ work!


To answer your question, no.

Well, in any industry or religion you'll find hypocrites. The Starbucks mogul who abhors coffee, the libral who pickets abortion, the pot smoking hippy who secretly listens to the Backstreet Boys, the petitioner for the spotted owl who buys paper products from the very companies cutting down his favorite forest... I feel that people hold Christianity to a higher tier because it's so popular and it's easier to find fault.

Also, there are all those people who misrepresent. There are teachers out there belittling and degrading students and giving the educational institution a bad name. There are bankers who embezzle, but that doesn't mean the bank itself is shady. Are all Islamics bad because there are those terrorists? Does that mean the terrorists represent the true fundamentals of that faith?

No. Christ came to an unwed teenager during a time when she would be stoned to death for sex outside wedlock. It was blasphemous to even talk to lepers. Jesus ate with rich as well as poor. He said to the rich not to only throw dinner parties for their friends knowing the friends will repay them, he said to feed the people who cannot feed themselves because that is the principle behind our life here on Earth.

No, my sweet sister/aunt, it is by the GRACE of God that I was born in this country and that my biggest problem is that I have school paid for and a mom who is kind of weird. One of the things I have always felt called toward is working in the Peace Corps. I truly believe that when Aidan is a little older and I am more financially and professionally stable I will be able to use this experience in banking and my education in psychology to do something great for impoverished lands. I would love to bring Aidan, go on missions, go help others in some way.

I believe that all of our souls look beautifully and uniquely the same. Just as no matter what race we are, we all have red blood in our veins. We all make our choices, we all have an obstacle to overcome- some greater than others, but deep down, we are all loved equally by God. I can't quote the bible, but from my learnings and readings the way I understand it, the poor, beaten, starving, etc are all guaranteed places in Heaven. It is you and I. The ones who have it easy. The ones who are not persecuted who have the greatest responsibility of all! We need to be humble, we need to not be arrogant thinking that we are above those less fortunate, we need to use what we have to help and to be of service the best way we know how.

That does not mean that we must put ourselves in their position. For then we will need the help! What good is that! But we are not to walk by. We are not to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear. We are to love those who don't love us. We are to TRY OUR BEST to live the way Jesus taught us to live. But we can't beat ourselves up either, because we are HUMAN and God created us to fail. If we weren't meant to fail then we'd be perfect, we'd be God.

It's the struggle. The the falling down. It's the acknowledging that you're not perfect and asking for forgiveness. It's realizing that you don't have it all together and you don't have to.

It's not being a teenager saying that you don't know what job to get or keep because you're going to let God decide (you mentioned that before). If he wanted marrionettes he would have built us with strings and without FREE WILL. We are still responsible for the decisions we make and paths we take.

...on that note...

So I've been in such a weird place lately. I've gone MONTHS without even going on a "real" date- self-imposed exile of course! And I am still totally okay with it considering that between work, school and motherhood I really don't have the a) time for a date, b) time to play the get-to-know-ya game, c) space in my brain for one more thing/person, d) space in my life to try to make time or room for anyone else.

...and most importantly...

e) I don't even have the time to keep up with my friends who I care about and value (see all top eight), who have already earned their place in my mind/time/life.

It does feel good to have made the decision of abstinence and purposeful singlehood during this time. It's like I've made my choice and I'm sticking to it. Friends have told me, "Jessica, the time is never right, if "the one" comes along you need to be open and receptive to him." But really, if "the one" comes along and wants me to squeeze him in and isn't willing respect my life of chaotic cramming for tests, research papers, etc. and realize that I don't have room for yet another priority- then is he really "the one?" Would "the one" WANT to further pile onto my plate? And yes, my friend Nick once told me that "the one" wont further pile my plate but instead help me to clear it--- well, if there's not time for thoughtful discernment, then that means just accepting any ol' joe that comes along. And I'm picky...

...and that, my friend, just opens yet another can of worms... another soapbox for another day...

So,

I've been feeling frustrated and powerless. I have CHOSEN to go back to school. I KNEW it would completely take over my life. But I guess I didn't understand the DEGREE of my life that would be consumed! Maybe it's because I took that three month break- I got a taste of freedom... Maybe it's because I've had this schedule for four months since that break (and over a year total) and it's just "time" for a break (breaking point?). Maybe I was able to focus on working out, chillin' with Aidan, get my body and mind back during my break. And maybe because I hit the ground running at 6am, using my lunch hours for research at the college, spend my evenings either in class, cooking dinner, cleaning the apartment, or studying- so that I've gotten chubby again :( and I don't have that mental release that comes from running.

But I've been thinking all these thoughts about my life, my schedule, body, friend and love relationships and they've been sitting on the back of my mind CONSTANTLY.

So although I haven't been "heartbroken" in quite a long while (and you have beared witness to that lengthy healing process- thankfully it's done and over!), but I opened Sex God by Rob Bell last night because "relationship" is the topic it exactly speaks about (relationship= friends, lovers, pain, happiness, etc).

I read this and thought I'd share:

This is why for thousands of years Christians have found the cross to be so central to life. It speaks to us of God's suffering, God's pain, God's broken heart. It's God making the first move and then waiting for our response.

If you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how God feels.

If you have ever given yourself to someone and found yourself waiting for their response, exposed and vulnerable, left hanging in the balance, you know how God feels.

If you have ever given yourself to someone and they responded, they reciprocated with love of their own, you know how God feels.

The cross is God's way of saying, 'I know what it's like.'
The execution stake is the creator of the universe saying, 'I know how you feel.'

Our tendency in the midst of suffering is to turn on God. To get angry and bitter and shake our fist at the sky and say, 'God, you don't know what it's like! You don't understand! You have no idea what I'm going through. You don't have a clue how much this hurts.'

The cross is God's way of taking away all of our accusations, excuses, and arguments.

The cross is God taking on flesh and blood and saying, 'Me too.'

This can transform our experience of heartbreak. Instead of being something that distances us from God, causing us to question, 'Where are you?' every poem by a lover spurned, every song sung with an ache, every movie with a gut-wrenching scene, every late-night coversation and empty box of kleenex are glimpses into the life of God.

Our first need is not for people to fix our problems. People who charge in and have all the answers and try to make things right without first joining us in our pain generally annoy us, or worse yet, they push us away. They have nothing to give us. The God that Jesus points us to is not a god who stands at a distance, wringing his hads and saying, 'If only you'd listened to me.'

This is the God who holds out his hands and asks, 'Would you like to see the holes where the nails went? Would that help?'

It's the place we find out that we're not alone, where we find strength to go on. Not a strength that comes from within ourselves but a strength that comes from God. The God who keeps going. Who keeps offering. Who keeps loving. Who keeps risking.

A God who knows what it's like.

The cross is where we present our wounds to God and say, 'Here, you take them.'

Our healing begins when we participate in the suffering of God. When we don't avoid it but enter into it, and in the process enter into the life of God. When we see our pain not as separating us from but connecting us to our maker.

And in this connection, there's always the chance we'll find a reason to risk again.

If God can continue to risk, then maybe we can too.

Perhaps you have had your heart broken by somebody. You risked and extended and offered yourself, and they rejected and turned away and didn't return your love.

There is something divine in your pain.

You know how God feels.

Really good, loving people get hurt. It's how things are.

Maybe you're living in the wake of a relationship that fell apart. You have to dig those moments up. The parts that hurt and the awkward conversations and the anger and the failure and the misunderstanding and the betrayal. You have to dig them up and acknowledge them before you are ever going to heal.

The danger is that you will decide it isn't worth it. Why risk if it's going to hurt like this? The tragedy would be for you to shut down, to allow a wall to be built around your heart, and for something within you to die.

A decision not to risk again is a decision not to love again. They go together.

Why is it those we love the most are the ones capable of hurting us the most? Our greatest wounds rarely come from strangers. They probably come from an ex-fiance, a former friend, a roommate, a sister, a business partner.

Even in healthy relationships, an offhanded comment or a rolling of the eyes can cripple us for days or years or even a lifetime. This is because the more we open ourselves up, the more vulnerable we are. The more exposed we are, the more it hurts. The more we let someone in, the greater the risk. Surprise, anger, shock, betrayal, helplessness- it all gets mixed in together.

There's a phrase that I have heard used to explain how God loves everybody equaly. People say that 'the ground at the foot of the cross is level.' The idea that God has no favorites, that no matter where you're coming from and what you've done and who you've been with and how badly you've screwed it up, the cross is the place where God looks past it all and forgives and accepts and wipes the slate clean.

In the matters of love, it's as if God has agreed to play by the same rules we do. God can do anything- that's what makes God, God. But God can't do everything. God can't make us love him- that's our choice.

Love is risky for God too.