I am Jessie

...i post this again...

...to serve as a reminder to myself...


Something inside me is burning. It's welling up and it's forcing its way out. Out of my heart, out of my mind, out of my soul; it consumes me. Through my fingers and from my tongue it spills. It is toxic. It is killing me. It is killing the self-defeating me. It is inspiring me. It is working itself around in my veins. It is lovingly purging the ghetto of my mind, it is repainting and repairing. There is no where to run; no where to hide. But in all its glory it pulls me from the shadows and allows me to bask in its truth. In all its love it burns me from the inside-out. It seeps from my skin, smelling sweetly. It is not me... and yet... it is the essence of who I am. And I am Jessie.

Ode to My Friends

I've always loved God and was a Christian. But I never felt this passion or fire for my faith as I have this past year. I never would have talked about it openly, and now I feel that when you just look at me it's written all over my face and it pours from my lips. I feel like honey is the trail I leave behind when I walk because I am so blessed.

I feel like the Exodus. I feel like I have journied far and wide, and I feel like I have sand in my toes. I feel like I have been accompanied by wise friends, lost souls, merrymakers and dissenters. I feel like I am finally confident and free and able and willing to tell someone no, and I am finally vulnerable and loving and understanding to tell someone yes. I feel like in this last two years I have learned the true meaning of unconditional love.

There's a fire and I'm burning.

In three months I'll be set free. I'll burn my village and build a new one. I'll climb to the mountain top and ignite my love into all the stars, because I don't know where else to put it. I will slowly control it, and learn to love through the melody which is my love. I will learn to harmonize my fire and my flame.

No rain can cause this to smolder and die; no onslaught, no barrage, no tumult is too great! When I fear that His "love spreading agenda" is too powerful for me, and I am too small; my flame is fanned by my friends and their love.

Out of the woodwork they come, one at a time... filling me with their encouraging words and faith.

When I feel lonely or disheartened or overwhelmed, they stand up and shine a light on my path so I don't lose my way. When I fear my road is too arduous, they take my hand and walk with me so that I don't look too deeply in the woods, losing myself or my goal. When I feel like this task is too monumental or I am unqualified to be who God has designed me to be (us all to be), He has His gentle way of reaching into my heart and showing me my posture. He has His way of filling my heart with His love. He fans my flame.

And I am so blessed.

And I am so loved.

I am unworthy.

I am humble.

I love God.

I burn.

Beautiful Struggle

That is true, no one is perfect. The beauty is in our struggle. Our struggle to do what is right and to be true to ourselves and our higher power. To be true to our intuition and to our gut. Our struggle to fall and then to face the music. Our struggle to repent and to stay that way the best we can... and if needed, repent again...

The beauty is that we are imperfect, and that we don't have to be perfect to be good and loved and loveable.

The beauty is that we try.

The beauty is that we keep going.

The beauty is that we are beautiful

and we are beautiful because we struggle so beautifully...

... and it is only by grace...

and

...I need all the grace I can get because my beautiful struggle is sometimes so ugly.