doncha make my brown eyes blue

Gosh, right when I'm feeling so happy. I'm done with school. I kicked butt in boot camp today. I have friends who love and value me.

I have said that I would love to get my doctorate in Sac or at Stanislaus State because I would love to be closer to the Darlings. Well, I was looking at my little sister's page and I found a weird person that said, "Mr & Mrs. Darling". I clicked on it and it led me to another page. On October 18th my brother Mike got married. The whole family was there and no one told me or invited me. It's been almost three months.

I just feel like crying. No wait. I am crying.

It's times like this when I feel everything crumble around me and I remember how my mom left when I was pregnant. It just makes all my happiness seem so flacid. Why do things seem to come so easy to some people? Why does God see it fit that I have to be all alone? Why is it that if I want or long for family I have to turn friends into family? But my friends have their own families...

Why does it seem that when I'm content, it has to end with tears?

I just hear my mom, "Sometimes life's not fair, Jessie."

I feel like I need a hug right now and the only person to hug is fast asleep because it's a school night.

I didn't choose to be a nomad. I stayed in Redding. I was married. I was engaged. I was a good wife and an even better fiancé. I learned from my mistakes. I have tried to make family. I have loved with my whole heart and soul.

I don't understand.

I don't have a bitter heart.

I help people.

Why don't I sow what I reap?

I don't understand it.

Why am I all alone in my apartment?

Why do I work so hard in school? I work so hard to be a good mom. I’m a loyal friend. I'm a good employee. I do adopt a family. I change careers so I can help people. I pay my bills on time. I don’t live beyond my means.

I build people up instead of tear them down.

You don't leave from interactions with me feeling inferior, but feeling loved and valued and respected.
I try to be self-aware and fix the problems.

I am a peacemaker.

So why?

Why do I sit here and cry when I hear that my brother has been married for three months and no one told me? Why did no one tell me?

Why does my mother adamantly tell me for months that she has plane tickets and the day off work and then cancel the week she’s supposed to come admitting it was a lie? No wait, she didn’t admit it, she had a cavity and needed a filling. That’s why.

You know, my mom moved to Texas when I was 19, unwed and pregnant. She just packed up one day, took my brother and left. She had purposely never let us meet or know our fathers or have relationships with her side of the family. So when she left, she left me all alone. This devoutly “Christian” woman told me to have an abortion and come with her or stay here and figure it out.

I’ve been doing it on my own. I tried being married to his dad, but he was crazy. Literally.

I was engaged and I loved him so much, with all my heart and soul. But he was a philanderer.

I’m not running away from relationships. I’m TRYING. I’m doing my best. I’m making a mountain out of a molehill in a good way!

I even had the best compliment from a stranger that I was truly and genuinely happy. He could see the fruit of the spirit amongst the crowd.

So I don’t understand.

Lesa has car accidents gravitate to her.

I have family leaving or forgetting me.

I guess God knew this was my lot and that’s why I was pregnant at age 19? He gave me family?