What This Woman Wants

So Melissa and I were going back and forth via email today. We were talking about how the month of September should be a month of reflection since my life has been so hectic. So I am copy-and-pasting the last email I sent as I feel like it should be "out there." I dunno, maybe I'm just in a mood today too... who knows... happy reading!

I think that I would rather have a friendship with someone that evolves into more. Then that person is my friend. There's not all that "getting' to know ya" or "are we compatible" jargon. You can feel confident in the relationship because you've had more than that before the romance. Swooning soon fades and you're left with friendship anyway.

I don't want to be surprised with who someone is after the swooning has faded. I don't want that for whoever I'm dating to feel about me. What I want is a friend. A friend that knows how stupid and silly I am because I've never put up those dating walls. A friend who has seen me in my scummy camping clothes, baggy unsexy jammies, feeling sick, or "heaven forbid" held my hair back when I've tossed back one too many (and doesn't think any less of me- for more than that moment). A friend who I know isn't in it for a roll in the hay, but a friend who appreciates me for all the idiosyncrasies, good or bad, that make me who I am. And you know what, even more than that, I want to be able to give all of those things to someone else when that time and person are right.

But how do you do that when you're dating because you think the other person is attractive or clever? How do you do that when you think the person seems like they could be that friend, and then your little heart goes pitter-patter. You don't really know them, nor do they know you. So then the getting to know you stuff is kind of mandatory, right? Is there a way around that? Chilling out with a group of mutual friends? Is that how it works? People who know people you know? People who can vouch for someone's authenticity? But that doesn't stop the second question listed above, does it? Hmmmmm… I dunno.

I don't want to become a fembot. I don't want to learn how to date. I don't want to subconsciously learn the rote systems of dating. I don't want to "tell my story" only to have to tell it again later. I don't want to feel shy.

I like me. I think I'm fun and funny. I just hope that someday I have a friend that thinks so too. No, I know you think so girl. I know that my girlfriends love me for the milk that comes out my nose when I laugh too hard, or ALL THE TIMES I put my foot in my mouth- constantly, good thing I have clean feet from all that slobbering I'm constantly doing while they're in my mouth! But you know what I mean. How do you make a friend like that though? I mean, really, as an adult, how do you just let go and have fun and have it not be a date or have it not have pressure for future sex or romance? (confusing sentence to follow)And how do you come to terms with what you want when that's what you want, but you don't know how to want it or facilitate following it through? I want more than that and I want less at the same time. Does that make any sense at all?

Although I have this high libido, I don't want it to define me. And I don't think it really does- except for a couple days a month when we lock me up! At the same time, I miss not having to control it- remember those days? When we were both in our respective relationships and that was the one good thing: no diseases, no holding back, no abstinence, no worries…

I guess by taking September off school, unplugging my computer, limiting my time on the phone and focusing on myself and my body (marathon training- does this relay REALLY count as a marathon?) I'll have plenty of time for self-reflection and figuring what I want. I know what I want professionally (I think), I know what I want spiritually- to become a better Christian, I know what I want as a mother (this month will help to facilitate achieving some of that), but what do I want in the other arenas?

I know that I have said that I don't want a relationship 'til after school. But a wise person once told me that you can't pick your timing, when the right person is in front of you then you can't say no because it's just not a good time. NOT THAT I HAVE FOUND THE "RIGHT" PERSON. I was just quoting. But ever since he said that it has stuck in my mind. I'm always trying to find meaning to what's going on in my life. I'm always trying to plan my days, weeks, months, year. What would happen if I just didn't? What would happen if I just went with the flow of things?
I know I don't want to be alone forever, but at the same time I'm not really afraid of it either. I would rather be alone than be with a dude just because I didn't know how or want to be alone for the sake of it. This past 'almost year' has been really great! I don't want to be in another tumultuous relationship like those last two. I think that's how or why I want more than that. That is why I'm so picky and why I don't really date and why I don't chase guys or go "boy crazy."

I guess I just want to know where my life is going and I want to feel safe in my life, my love, my heart. But are any of us really safe? Wouldn't complete safety be so totally boring? I do love jumping off the bridge into the water, I do love to try new things, meet new people and I do love a fast rollercoaster ( just don't want to live on one).

I want stability. I want family. I want structure. I want spontenaity. I want excitement. I want a home. I want to travel. I want run fast and far, and then I want to go home and rest.

Well, anyway, enough of that! I'm sooooo looking forward to our marathon! I'm also really excited about our potential rafting trip and our hike up Castle Craggs. We're doing the hike regardless of the raft right? If we can't do the raft then we're hiking and if we do the raft then we're going up the mtn the next day, right? Or I guess I will at least!

Ok, here is my vow to me: I will NOT become a total fembot. I will not allow myself to harden. I will just be me and make friends and not worry about anyone else except Aidan. I will just do my thing. Oh yeah, remember in January when I said, "I will be authentic." Yes, that's just IT! I will be authentic! Forgot, oops, old habits die hard…

Was there a point to this email? No. Just venting. Sorting it all out. Thanks for listening…