Monday, September 24, 2007
I am Jessie
Something inside me is burning. It's welling up and it's forcing its way out. Out of my heart, out of my mind, out of my soul; it consumes me. Through my fingers and from my tongue it spills. It is toxic. It is killing me. It is killing the self-defeating me. It is inspiring me. It is working itself around in my veins. It is lovingly purging the ghetto of my mind, it is repainting and repairing. There is no where to run; no where to hide. But in all its glory it pulls me from the shadows and allows me to bask in its truth. In all its love it burns me from the inside-out. It seeps from my skin, smelling sweetly. It is not me... and yet... it is the essence of who I am. And I am Jessie.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Nappy 'Nawers Club-O-Rama
So in a fit of inspiration my muse and I have come up with a new diet. It's not a "diet-diet," but a way of life. In fact, if our hypotheses are correct, we could market this new-fangled idea and become MILLIONAIRES!
No, it's not Debbie Dallas' Daily Diet Diary, which was my freshman attempt of diet interventions- (that one resulted in severe hospitalization for poor Debbie… malnutrition).
Have you ever wondered why rabbits have such strong and healthy teeth? Have you ever seen an obese bunny with a burger in its mouth? Have you ever been hopping down your bunny trail and gotten a hankering for a cold, crisp, chuck of celery? Well, my friend, you're in for a treat! A diet to satisfy not only your comestible longings, but also those daydreams of your dentist and gastrointestinologist!
Finally, you CAN please all the people all the time!
Based upon many thoroughly researched theoretical articles in highly respected literary publications such as US Weekly, Star, People, and Teen Beat, it has come to our attention that celery is a negative calorie food. In fact, according to Dallas, D. (1996) your body burns five calories for each stalk of celery consumed.
WoW! A five-calorie deficit by EATING! Generally accepted principle assumes that in order to lose one pound a week, an individual must burn 3500 calories more than she consumes. That's it!!! So when we do the simple math, that's only 700 stalks of celery a week. Averaged out among a six day dieting week (cheat-day will be discussed further), that's 116.6 stalks a day, or 6 stalk an hour *assuming that our dieter is sleeping eight hours a night. And who can't do a stalk in ten minutes, every waking hour, when they don't need to set aside time to exercise? It's so totally doable!
Throw away those sneakers, drive your happy arse to the grocery store and pick up a case o' celery! Not only is this figure friendly and efficient, but your pocketbook is happy too: No gym membership, no expensive grocery bills on fancy foods, and celery is only 32 cents per head! It's win/win!
So knaw away, my friends, knaw away.
Six days a week, that's all you commit to, that's all it takes. And on your seventh day, on that day, it's pure heaven. Add carrots, add cukes, heck, go crazy and throw in a tomato! But only one, you don't want to lose a whole week's worth of work, let's not go overboard meow- show some self control.
Benies of The Diet to End All Diets:
ø Never at a loss for floss!
ø Tough bleeding gums that can handle even the dentist from Little Shop of Horrors.
ø Have you ever met an "irregular" vegan?
ø You're sure to get in your FDA recommended five-a-day.
ø You are what you eat, and celery is skinny!
ø No need for olestra!
We may be the masterminds behind this diet, but Nicole Richie is our "unofficial" spokeswoman and chairman of the Nappy 'Nawers fan club.
Should you choose to participate in this revolutionary lifestyle, we implore you to post your success stories- including before and after photos.
~The Darling One & Purple P*cess
No, it's not Debbie Dallas' Daily Diet Diary, which was my freshman attempt of diet interventions- (that one resulted in severe hospitalization for poor Debbie… malnutrition).
Have you ever wondered why rabbits have such strong and healthy teeth? Have you ever seen an obese bunny with a burger in its mouth? Have you ever been hopping down your bunny trail and gotten a hankering for a cold, crisp, chuck of celery? Well, my friend, you're in for a treat! A diet to satisfy not only your comestible longings, but also those daydreams of your dentist and gastrointestinologist!
Finally, you CAN please all the people all the time!
Based upon many thoroughly researched theoretical articles in highly respected literary publications such as US Weekly, Star, People, and Teen Beat, it has come to our attention that celery is a negative calorie food. In fact, according to Dallas, D. (1996) your body burns five calories for each stalk of celery consumed.
WoW! A five-calorie deficit by EATING! Generally accepted principle assumes that in order to lose one pound a week, an individual must burn 3500 calories more than she consumes. That's it!!! So when we do the simple math, that's only 700 stalks of celery a week. Averaged out among a six day dieting week (cheat-day will be discussed further), that's 116.6 stalks a day, or 6 stalk an hour *assuming that our dieter is sleeping eight hours a night. And who can't do a stalk in ten minutes, every waking hour, when they don't need to set aside time to exercise? It's so totally doable!
Throw away those sneakers, drive your happy arse to the grocery store and pick up a case o' celery! Not only is this figure friendly and efficient, but your pocketbook is happy too: No gym membership, no expensive grocery bills on fancy foods, and celery is only 32 cents per head! It's win/win!
So knaw away, my friends, knaw away.
Six days a week, that's all you commit to, that's all it takes. And on your seventh day, on that day, it's pure heaven. Add carrots, add cukes, heck, go crazy and throw in a tomato! But only one, you don't want to lose a whole week's worth of work, let's not go overboard meow- show some self control.
Benies of The Diet to End All Diets:
ø Never at a loss for floss!
ø Tough bleeding gums that can handle even the dentist from Little Shop of Horrors.
ø Have you ever met an "irregular" vegan?
ø You're sure to get in your FDA recommended five-a-day.
ø You are what you eat, and celery is skinny!
ø No need for olestra!
We may be the masterminds behind this diet, but Nicole Richie is our "unofficial" spokeswoman and chairman of the Nappy 'Nawers fan club.
Should you choose to participate in this revolutionary lifestyle, we implore you to post your success stories- including before and after photos.
~The Darling One & Purple P*cess
Friday, September 7, 2007
Song of the Siren
song of the siren
I just never know when the mood is going to strike. I can't call upon it like a Greek calls upon his gods, but now and then a bit of ambrosia drops down and blesses my mind and tongue.
Today is such a day!
Oh glorious day!
It is such a sweet escape from the work day to be able to feel the drip-dropping on my mind. Numbers float in front of me; they swim in the back of my mind, and deadlines hover over me menacingly. While I feel the breath of the boss on my neck and the ceaseless pleading inquiries from my cohort I can sometimes immerse myself in the words on the page. If there is nothing to dive into, nothing to read, then I create something.
Emails. Letters. Stories. Thoughts. Words. MUSIC!
So Melissa and I were reading this article about how today's single women are becoming fembots. Female robots. Women who date not to find Mr. Right, but because dating is fun. Women who are strong and confident. Women who have interests and friendships and who don't need to be in relationships to make them happy. Women who are not afraid to ask a man out on a date and then pay (and then not call later). Women are becoming as cavalier about dating as men are! And so that was my inspiration.
As we sent little emails back and forth today with a little fembot joke here and there. Tales telling of a recent date one of us went on we realized, oh my god, we're turning into fembots.
At first we thought, oh no! There goes our naivite! There go those dreams and hopes of "happy ever after." There go surprises and the feelings of excitement before a date. There go all the things we know as we turn into these robotic women who are untouchable and heartless.
NO! Our fears materialize!
Dread fills our hearts!
And then
An awakening
An inkling
A taste
Of the freedom and happiness of the fembot.
We have not lost that which made us who we are. We are still loving and lovable. We are just less vulnerable. We are just in control. We are women. All woman.
We are temptresses. We are sirens as we sing our songs without fear of the pain that comes from those shipwrecked sailors' words and promises. We are sirens who sing in the joy of our bodies and the sun and the surf and the life that is OURS.
We are temptresses. We can enchant as we sashay across the dance floor without regard to any of the hungry eyes following our movements. We care not about the wolves for we are not prey. We do not fear their growl, we do not cower as they crouch for the pounce. We smile. Our eyes stop them in their tracks.
We are temptresses. We don't play the game like you want us to play it. We don't have to. We don't want to. We live in our own skins. We dance in our own bodies. We swim naked through the crowds as we have nothing to hide and everything to give. We don't hide behind veils of pretenses; we don't laugh at the inadequacies of others.
We don't run, but we don't settle. We know our boundaries and we know that sometimes it is thrilling to cross them. So wild we run. Not away do we run, nor do we run toward anything. We just run.
Someday, we will have someone strong enough to run with each of us.
Someday, someone will come along who is willing to love and accept us and will chase us while we chase them back.
Someday, one person will hear the song of this siren. Someday, I will tempt only he who has proven his worth. For a siren is strong and stubborn, but oh so worth it.
I just never know when the mood is going to strike. I can't call upon it like a Greek calls upon his gods, but now and then a bit of ambrosia drops down and blesses my mind and tongue.
Today is such a day!
Oh glorious day!
It is such a sweet escape from the work day to be able to feel the drip-dropping on my mind. Numbers float in front of me; they swim in the back of my mind, and deadlines hover over me menacingly. While I feel the breath of the boss on my neck and the ceaseless pleading inquiries from my cohort I can sometimes immerse myself in the words on the page. If there is nothing to dive into, nothing to read, then I create something.
Emails. Letters. Stories. Thoughts. Words. MUSIC!
So Melissa and I were reading this article about how today's single women are becoming fembots. Female robots. Women who date not to find Mr. Right, but because dating is fun. Women who are strong and confident. Women who have interests and friendships and who don't need to be in relationships to make them happy. Women who are not afraid to ask a man out on a date and then pay (and then not call later). Women are becoming as cavalier about dating as men are! And so that was my inspiration.
As we sent little emails back and forth today with a little fembot joke here and there. Tales telling of a recent date one of us went on we realized, oh my god, we're turning into fembots.
At first we thought, oh no! There goes our naivite! There go those dreams and hopes of "happy ever after." There go surprises and the feelings of excitement before a date. There go all the things we know as we turn into these robotic women who are untouchable and heartless.
NO! Our fears materialize!
Dread fills our hearts!
And then
An awakening
An inkling
A taste
Of the freedom and happiness of the fembot.
We have not lost that which made us who we are. We are still loving and lovable. We are just less vulnerable. We are just in control. We are women. All woman.
We are temptresses. We are sirens as we sing our songs without fear of the pain that comes from those shipwrecked sailors' words and promises. We are sirens who sing in the joy of our bodies and the sun and the surf and the life that is OURS.
We are temptresses. We can enchant as we sashay across the dance floor without regard to any of the hungry eyes following our movements. We care not about the wolves for we are not prey. We do not fear their growl, we do not cower as they crouch for the pounce. We smile. Our eyes stop them in their tracks.
We are temptresses. We don't play the game like you want us to play it. We don't have to. We don't want to. We live in our own skins. We dance in our own bodies. We swim naked through the crowds as we have nothing to hide and everything to give. We don't hide behind veils of pretenses; we don't laugh at the inadequacies of others.
We don't run, but we don't settle. We know our boundaries and we know that sometimes it is thrilling to cross them. So wild we run. Not away do we run, nor do we run toward anything. We just run.
Someday, we will have someone strong enough to run with each of us.
Someday, someone will come along who is willing to love and accept us and will chase us while we chase them back.
Someday, one person will hear the song of this siren. Someday, I will tempt only he who has proven his worth. For a siren is strong and stubborn, but oh so worth it.
Fembot
Fembot!
I think I like Fembot me.
I like her because she could care less, but doesn't.
Fembot Me is cool and collected.
Fembot Me is just above callous and just below conservative.
This new amalgam of Jessie, Jessica, and Fembot
This assimilation of old and new, a funky twist, a psychedelic becoming.
It's a topsy- turvy turning, spiraling together innocence and desire.
It's the kind of sex that radiates from your skin without giving in.
Carnal desires exude from this Fembot.
Promising
Luring
Taunting
Seducing
Giving in… rarely.
I think I like Fembot Me.
Fembot!
I think I like Fembot me.
I like her because she could care less, but doesn't.
Fembot Me is cool and collected.
Fembot Me is just above callous and just below conservative.
This new amalgam of Jessie, Jessica, and Fembot
This assimilation of old and new, a funky twist, a psychedelic becoming.
It's a topsy- turvy turning, spiraling together innocence and desire.
It's the kind of sex that radiates from your skin without giving in.
Carnal desires exude from this Fembot.
Promising
Luring
Taunting
Seducing
Giving in… rarely.
I think I like Fembot Me.
Fembot!
Monday, September 3, 2007
A Jabez Weekend
Wow!
What an incredible weekend! It started out so haphazard and you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20.
Let me start back, wayyyy back…
June, my mom was going to come visit. She flaked
July, my mom was flying me out to visit. She flaked.
August, my mom was going go come visit. Guess what? She flaked.
So I'm feeling a little sensitive about it…
With everything happening in my life already, I also have a long-lost sister in Albany Oregon who's oldest daughter is getting married. I've told her that I would come to visit and attend the wedding. As the date draws nearer and the stress of life piles higher on my shoulders, dread of the long lonely drive north creeps in and threatens my sanity.
Hallelujah!
My little sister Jennifer and her mom, Esther, decide to make that trek from Modesto and pick my up along the way.
My heart SORES!
I have NEVER gotten a chance to have girl-time with my younger and longer-loster sister and now I get to have a 6-hour drive each way!!! Just the three of us girls!!! My dream come true! Now I know that all my impending deadlines at work and out of it can be met because I am now refreshed in the knowledge of my upcoming girl-time.
Alas, Friday comes, and guess what…
They cancel.
yep.
I actually had to take an early lunch because now I have inconsistency coming at me from both sides of my family. Maybe it was the culmination of the stress of late and the flakiness of my mom. But I actually cried a little over it. Yeah, I threw myself a pity-party and invited me to come as the guest of honor.
Okayyyyyy, so now the background is done…. Here's the story….
I head north and stay the night in Medford with Karen, Brad and the kids. Kare Bear and I stayed up visiting 'til 1:30, when we reluctantly went to bed. The next morning I finished my drive, attended the wedding, went to bed, etc.
Had Jennifer and Esther gone with me we would have turned around and left the following day (Sunday). Since they stayed behind, I stayed an extra day. Sunday afternoon my sister, Melinda, tells me to read this book called The Prayer of Jabez. I try to start it twice, but get distracted by the kids and my dire need for a nap! Priorities right? Sleep!
So then that night I read a couple pages.
Then awoke at 4:00am thinking, "I've got to finish that book." My eyes were bleary and I was sooooo tired. So I put the book down and rolled over.
Next, I awoke at 6:00am thinking, "I've got to finish that book." My eyes were bleary and I was sooooo tired. So I put the book down and rolled over.
Finally, I awoke at 7:00am thinking, "I've got to finish that book..." and then, "FINE GOD! I'll finish that darn book if You think it's so important!" And so I finished it. And then I prayed.
Aidan and I got in the car at 8am and after random incidental stops, we were on the road by 8:30. I was stressing out because I had a plan and didn't know if I could or should carry it out. See, Aidan's paternal great-grandmother lives in Eugene (just thirty minutes south of Albany) and I wanted Aidan to have the opportunity to see her.
All I could think was:
"I divorced myself out of this family."
"It's 8:30am, no one will be up."
"I would have to call Aidan's grandmother to get the number."
"I can't pop in with thirty-minutes announcement."
"Will Diego and Kristy get upset?"
"How is she going to act being that I'm the ex-wife of her grandson?"
But still, I just couldn't be all the way up there and not give it the good ol' college try, since she is super old and you never know how long you have 'til The Big Guy calls ya home. What if this is Aidan's last opportunity? So nervously I do it. I call Ann, my ex-mother-in-law. She is happy to hear from me! Really? AWESOME! She gives the the phone number and driving instructions to the house. I call Grandmommy (the great-grandma's name) and request to come over.
It turns out not only is Grandmommy happy to have us stop by, but Aidan's great-uncle Mike from Portland, great-uncle Pat from Tucson (who hadn't been up in a decade) & second-cousin Psalm is there! Aidan got to meet family he hadn't ever met before and some he hadn't seen since he was two (does that even count?). He got to see Psalm's children and we got to see that bashfulness is definitely a genetic trait. Wow! What an opportunity!
What if I had just driven right past Eugene?
What if I had let my fear and pride win?
How awesome for Aidan! How awesome that he is old enough to remember that forgever!
So I was already in awe before I got there. I'm in awe and I can see that this is more than cosmic karma... Then it just keeps going...
Somehow along the way of conversation it was mentioned within those two hours that Aidan and I have been attending church regularly. Uncle Pat asks where we fellowship, and I tell him about The Stirring (www.thestirring.org). Then I tell him about how I believe that everything up to now was devinely intended.
(before I go on- a recap) had Esther & Jenn come, I wouldn't have read The Prayer of Jabez (1 Corinthians 4:9, 10) because we would have left before Melinda had me read it. Had they come we would not have stopped in Eugene. Had they come, my poor stressed out Melinda (mother-of-the-bride) would have not had the energy to have quality time with either of her sisters.
NOW, as I'm telling this to uncle Pat, his wife gets up and leaves the room. When she returns she tells me this story:
The night before she had gone to the store for family movie snacks. She saw this book and felt compelled to buy it. "I already have it" she thought, and put it down. She still had to buy it, and so she did. After hearing my chain of events she went and got it. It's the next book after The Prayer of Jabez (loosely, it's sequal) called A life God Rewards: Why Everything You Do Today Matters Forever and so she inscribed on the first page and gave it to me as she felt I was the reason she bought a book she already owned.
I guess WE had an appointment...
GOD IS AWESOME!
What a chain!
While I'm feeling sorrowful that both sides of my family are canceling on me; while I'm throwing my pity-party thinking about how I spend every holiday either alone or as a guest in a friend's home; while I'm just despondent, dejected and just plain down God brings these events so that He can:
A) Show me that He has a greater plan.
B) Show me love:
a. Karen and her family loved on me (Saturday KareBear also felt compelled to leave me a voice mail telling me I was missed and how inspiring I am with my strength, courage, kind-heart, etc).
b. My sister and her entire maternal side of the family folded me into their arms. Her mom sat with me at the reception, her sister hung out with me and I got to love on her babies. Her daughter was my shadow. My sister and her husband were my friends and supporters.
c. My ex-husband's family made me feel welcome and loved. More welcome and loved than I felt when I was a part of the family in the first place! They loved all over Aidan and told stories that I can remind Aidan of later and even included me in a photo when I was perfectly happy with exclusion.
This is way too much in one weekend to be mere coincidence. This is a testament to GOD!
HE is so good!!!!
What an incredible weekend! It started out so haphazard and you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20.
Let me start back, wayyyy back…
June, my mom was going to come visit. She flaked
July, my mom was flying me out to visit. She flaked.
August, my mom was going go come visit. Guess what? She flaked.
So I'm feeling a little sensitive about it…
With everything happening in my life already, I also have a long-lost sister in Albany Oregon who's oldest daughter is getting married. I've told her that I would come to visit and attend the wedding. As the date draws nearer and the stress of life piles higher on my shoulders, dread of the long lonely drive north creeps in and threatens my sanity.
Hallelujah!
My little sister Jennifer and her mom, Esther, decide to make that trek from Modesto and pick my up along the way.
My heart SORES!
I have NEVER gotten a chance to have girl-time with my younger and longer-loster sister and now I get to have a 6-hour drive each way!!! Just the three of us girls!!! My dream come true! Now I know that all my impending deadlines at work and out of it can be met because I am now refreshed in the knowledge of my upcoming girl-time.
Alas, Friday comes, and guess what…
They cancel.
yep.
I actually had to take an early lunch because now I have inconsistency coming at me from both sides of my family. Maybe it was the culmination of the stress of late and the flakiness of my mom. But I actually cried a little over it. Yeah, I threw myself a pity-party and invited me to come as the guest of honor.
Okayyyyyy, so now the background is done…. Here's the story….
I head north and stay the night in Medford with Karen, Brad and the kids. Kare Bear and I stayed up visiting 'til 1:30, when we reluctantly went to bed. The next morning I finished my drive, attended the wedding, went to bed, etc.
Had Jennifer and Esther gone with me we would have turned around and left the following day (Sunday). Since they stayed behind, I stayed an extra day. Sunday afternoon my sister, Melinda, tells me to read this book called The Prayer of Jabez. I try to start it twice, but get distracted by the kids and my dire need for a nap! Priorities right? Sleep!
So then that night I read a couple pages.
Then awoke at 4:00am thinking, "I've got to finish that book." My eyes were bleary and I was sooooo tired. So I put the book down and rolled over.
Next, I awoke at 6:00am thinking, "I've got to finish that book." My eyes were bleary and I was sooooo tired. So I put the book down and rolled over.
Finally, I awoke at 7:00am thinking, "I've got to finish that book..." and then, "FINE GOD! I'll finish that darn book if You think it's so important!" And so I finished it. And then I prayed.
Aidan and I got in the car at 8am and after random incidental stops, we were on the road by 8:30. I was stressing out because I had a plan and didn't know if I could or should carry it out. See, Aidan's paternal great-grandmother lives in Eugene (just thirty minutes south of Albany) and I wanted Aidan to have the opportunity to see her.
All I could think was:
"I divorced myself out of this family."
"It's 8:30am, no one will be up."
"I would have to call Aidan's grandmother to get the number."
"I can't pop in with thirty-minutes announcement."
"Will Diego and Kristy get upset?"
"How is she going to act being that I'm the ex-wife of her grandson?"
But still, I just couldn't be all the way up there and not give it the good ol' college try, since she is super old and you never know how long you have 'til The Big Guy calls ya home. What if this is Aidan's last opportunity? So nervously I do it. I call Ann, my ex-mother-in-law. She is happy to hear from me! Really? AWESOME! She gives the the phone number and driving instructions to the house. I call Grandmommy (the great-grandma's name) and request to come over.
It turns out not only is Grandmommy happy to have us stop by, but Aidan's great-uncle Mike from Portland, great-uncle Pat from Tucson (who hadn't been up in a decade) & second-cousin Psalm is there! Aidan got to meet family he hadn't ever met before and some he hadn't seen since he was two (does that even count?). He got to see Psalm's children and we got to see that bashfulness is definitely a genetic trait. Wow! What an opportunity!
What if I had just driven right past Eugene?
What if I had let my fear and pride win?
How awesome for Aidan! How awesome that he is old enough to remember that forgever!
So I was already in awe before I got there. I'm in awe and I can see that this is more than cosmic karma... Then it just keeps going...
Somehow along the way of conversation it was mentioned within those two hours that Aidan and I have been attending church regularly. Uncle Pat asks where we fellowship, and I tell him about The Stirring (www.thestirring.org). Then I tell him about how I believe that everything up to now was devinely intended.
(before I go on- a recap) had Esther & Jenn come, I wouldn't have read The Prayer of Jabez (1 Corinthians 4:9, 10) because we would have left before Melinda had me read it. Had they come we would not have stopped in Eugene. Had they come, my poor stressed out Melinda (mother-of-the-bride) would have not had the energy to have quality time with either of her sisters.
NOW, as I'm telling this to uncle Pat, his wife gets up and leaves the room. When she returns she tells me this story:
The night before she had gone to the store for family movie snacks. She saw this book and felt compelled to buy it. "I already have it" she thought, and put it down. She still had to buy it, and so she did. After hearing my chain of events she went and got it. It's the next book after The Prayer of Jabez (loosely, it's sequal) called A life God Rewards: Why Everything You Do Today Matters Forever and so she inscribed on the first page and gave it to me as she felt I was the reason she bought a book she already owned.
I guess WE had an appointment...
GOD IS AWESOME!
What a chain!
While I'm feeling sorrowful that both sides of my family are canceling on me; while I'm throwing my pity-party thinking about how I spend every holiday either alone or as a guest in a friend's home; while I'm just despondent, dejected and just plain down God brings these events so that He can:
A) Show me that He has a greater plan.
B) Show me love:
a. Karen and her family loved on me (Saturday KareBear also felt compelled to leave me a voice mail telling me I was missed and how inspiring I am with my strength, courage, kind-heart, etc).
b. My sister and her entire maternal side of the family folded me into their arms. Her mom sat with me at the reception, her sister hung out with me and I got to love on her babies. Her daughter was my shadow. My sister and her husband were my friends and supporters.
c. My ex-husband's family made me feel welcome and loved. More welcome and loved than I felt when I was a part of the family in the first place! They loved all over Aidan and told stories that I can remind Aidan of later and even included me in a photo when I was perfectly happy with exclusion.
This is way too much in one weekend to be mere coincidence. This is a testament to GOD!
HE is so good!!!!
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