So in a fit of inspiration my muse and I have come up with a new diet. It's not a "diet-diet," but a way of life. In fact, if our hypotheses are correct, we could market this new-fangled idea and become MILLIONAIRES!
No, it's not Debbie Dallas' Daily Diet Diary, which was my freshman attempt of diet interventions- (that one resulted in severe hospitalization for poor Debbie… malnutrition).
Have you ever wondered why rabbits have such strong and healthy teeth? Have you ever seen an obese bunny with a burger in its mouth? Have you ever been hopping down your bunny trail and gotten a hankering for a cold, crisp, chuck of celery? Well, my friend, you're in for a treat! A diet to satisfy not only your comestible longings, but also those daydreams of your dentist and gastrointestinologist!
Finally, you CAN please all the people all the time!
Based upon many thoroughly researched theoretical articles in highly respected literary publications such as US Weekly, Star, People, and Teen Beat, it has come to our attention that celery is a negative calorie food. In fact, according to Dallas, D. (1996) your body burns five calories for each stalk of celery consumed.
WoW! A five-calorie deficit by EATING! Generally accepted principle assumes that in order to lose one pound a week, an individual must burn 3500 calories more than she consumes. That's it!!! So when we do the simple math, that's only 700 stalks of celery a week. Averaged out among a six day dieting week (cheat-day will be discussed further), that's 116.6 stalks a day, or 6 stalk an hour *assuming that our dieter is sleeping eight hours a night. And who can't do a stalk in ten minutes, every waking hour, when they don't need to set aside time to exercise? It's so totally doable!
Throw away those sneakers, drive your happy arse to the grocery store and pick up a case o' celery! Not only is this figure friendly and efficient, but your pocketbook is happy too: No gym membership, no expensive grocery bills on fancy foods, and celery is only 32 cents per head! It's win/win!
So knaw away, my friends, knaw away.
Six days a week, that's all you commit to, that's all it takes. And on your seventh day, on that day, it's pure heaven. Add carrots, add cukes, heck, go crazy and throw in a tomato! But only one, you don't want to lose a whole week's worth of work, let's not go overboard meow- show some self control.
Benies of The Diet to End All Diets:
ø Never at a loss for floss!
ø Tough bleeding gums that can handle even the dentist from Little Shop of Horrors.
ø Have you ever met an "irregular" vegan?
ø You're sure to get in your FDA recommended five-a-day.
ø You are what you eat, and celery is skinny!
ø No need for olestra!
We may be the masterminds behind this diet, but Nicole Richie is our "unofficial" spokeswoman and chairman of the Nappy 'Nawers fan club.
Should you choose to participate in this revolutionary lifestyle, we implore you to post your success stories- including before and after photos.
~The Darling One & Purple P*cess
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