You know, it seems that sometimes, for no reason, someone will try to sabatoge your growth. Be it personal, spiritual, professional, what have you. But that's when you look at them with pity and love. You have to remind yourself that they too are human and suffer their own insecurities.
Keep them to yourself! You want to shout.
Don't provoke me with your own inner turmoil! You scream in your head.
Leave me ALONE!
That is how I feel at times with a certain associate.
It seems as though each time I let down my guard she begins to twist herself deeper in the mire of her own delusions. What it is exactly she is projecting onto me I'm unsure other than the idea that I am not at all what she'd like me to be: weak, dumb, maliable...
While I continue to ignore her repeated attempts to get under my skin she digs her nails in deeper. Funny, I feel a faint tickle, a light breeze on the hairs of my arm, as under the surface she claws and bites and fights her way to get at me. She attempts to insult my relationships past, she belittles that which I hold most dear, and she seeks to bring spiritual fear into my home. But she fails.
I am secure with who I am, what I want, where I am going, and the love in my heart.
And you know what is so weird? I love this person. I do. I love her as though she is my own family. We don't get to choose our family right? They are chosen for us from above for whatever reasons He may have.
And you know, really, I'd LIKE to dislike her. It seems as though I should... doesn't it? I should. I should resent or something.
But I don't.
I actually kind of like her because beneath it all I see a smart, witty woman.
I actually kind of like her because beneath it all I see me.
I see the me I used to be.
I see the me who was insecure with myself even though I would try like heck to convince me otherwise. I see the me who placed my value on my weight (wait, I still do that, bad girl). I see the me who was happy for my friends, but also a little sad for me. I see the me who loves and is FILLED WITH LOVE and worries that the love will somehow fade or leave me. I see the confused and lost me who feels like everything and everyone around her is controlling her present and if she could just force things to go her way, well, then everything would go her way.
I see her. I remember her. I am still her. I struggle against knowing that part of me regularly.
...and yet...
she is no longer me.
And so, I cannot dislike this woman who begrudges me. I cannot look at this woman with malevolence- which is really very unlike me! It's just not in there, it's not in my heart.
I try. I think to myself, "who does she think she is and why is this remotely interesting to her?" but really, I don't care. I just don't. I don't care if she's trying to get to me and I just continue to love her like she is my family. Because she is.
I am not going anywhere and I will likely be in her life indefinitely. She's not going anywhere either. And so, I love her. My love spreading agenda has no agenda here. She can hate me, loathe me, have contempt for me, see me as the antithesis of everything she values, but I will continue to love and be respectful to her.
It does not make me weak. It does not make me helpless.
It makes me whole and full and happy.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Walking In His Love
Jenn really got me thinking today (doncha love the stimulating kind of friends!). So after our emails I thought I'd pull them all into a blog for y'all! Happy reading:
From: jennifer
Sent: Wednesday, December 05, 2007 1:07 PM
To: Jessica
Subject: RE: Deposit Received
that's awesome. Soooo awesome. I have to tell you kinda part 2 of the same day when I felt God really reduced me to love. I was praying and spending time just taking it in (singing, ect) in my own crazy way when I was really praying
"Lord, I thought I knew what your voice sounded like! But, here I am back in the hills and hardly able to understand what is left or right...How will I ever know what your plan is for my life now? My moving to _____ and back has just confirmed that I really don't have a clue what my life is about right now." (mind you this also compounded my lack of self worth in that I defined my do as my worth not my WHO)
Then he spoke to my heart and reminded me of what he told me earlier in the day about learning to love myself so I can show others the love of God and bring Him glory...He then went on to add the verse in I John "When I (jennifer or Jessica) walk in love God is present"...Now mind you that wasn't the answer I was looking for but it hit home until further direction is received. You see, I am crying out for more of God in my life and wanting this and that of Him (not that these things aren't ok to want) but I was overlooking a very basic promise. Yes a promise. He said absolutely i can be certain that His presence will be with me (or you) when we walk in love!!!
Thats you girl! You are a saint of God! to your co-workers, to your friends, and yeah even to the people that annoy us. If we want more of God, all we have to do is walk in love! pretty cool huh?
This may be something that is very obvious to you, but for this gal in the hills it felt like fresh fire!
Happy wed! I have this silly grin on my face cuz it's awesome talking about God!
From: Jessica
Sent: Wednesday, December 05, 2007 1:23 PM
To: 'jennifer
Subject: RE: Deposit Received
We just have to walk into his love.
Could it also be that his love is already what we're walking in? Could we be walking in his love because this earth and all that are in it are fruits of his love and he is even currently loving the sinners of the most sinfulest of natures? Could it be that his love is already encompassing us and we are already walking in it, but that maybe we have shielded ourselves to it? Could it just be that we are already walking in his love and if we just shake off those walls and borders that we put around ourselves and let that love permeate into us, we'll be walking with an awareness of his love?
Maybe it's not that we need to walk into his love, maybe it's that we need to be aware that we're already doing it?
...email 2... i just kept thinking on her email and had to go farther:
When I (jennifer or Jessica) walk in love God is present"
Because perhaps right now we are walking in confusion.
Maybe we're walking in animosity, frustration, control, despair, self-pity…
Maybe walking in love isn't that the love is around us and we're walking into it. Maybe love is the way we are walking. When we are walking in love we are reflecting God. When we are reflections of God He is present.
Like, when Aidan does or says something I do or say I get all proud. Ahhhh, he's so sweet, he's just like me! He has my sense of humor, he values the things I value, my little guy is my little boy version of a mini-me. My heart swells with happiness and pride cuz I know that he's watching me and he wants to be just like me cuz I'm the best person out there!
So, imagine God's swelling heart when we live with a God focus and we try our hardest to overcome the sin we're born with and all the temptations and try to live like Him. Us living like God is much harder than Aidan living like me… So it means all that much more!
...email 3... answering Matt's question the night before, how do we bring others to God?
Because, maybe when we are walking in his love and we are a reflection of that love it draws people to look. If we are a reflection, they are looking at us and seeing themselves in God's love. Maybe when they see us walking in love it is inviting and they can easier see themselves walking in love. Maybe when they are looking for the love of God that is reflected through our walk, they can then see that the "No" is worth it. Maybe when they see the love through us, around us, reflecting from us, it gives them the permission and authority to seek it for themselves. When they decide to seek it for themselves God gives them someone to guide them, and that is how we bring them to God.
Not teaching them what they can't do and telling them why. Walking in God's love and inviting them to do it with us.
From: jennifer
Sent: Wednesday, December 05, 2007 1:07 PM
To: Jessica
Subject: RE: Deposit Received
that's awesome. Soooo awesome. I have to tell you kinda part 2 of the same day when I felt God really reduced me to love. I was praying and spending time just taking it in (singing, ect) in my own crazy way when I was really praying
"Lord, I thought I knew what your voice sounded like! But, here I am back in the hills and hardly able to understand what is left or right...How will I ever know what your plan is for my life now? My moving to _____ and back has just confirmed that I really don't have a clue what my life is about right now." (mind you this also compounded my lack of self worth in that I defined my do as my worth not my WHO)
Then he spoke to my heart and reminded me of what he told me earlier in the day about learning to love myself so I can show others the love of God and bring Him glory...He then went on to add the verse in I John "When I (jennifer or Jessica) walk in love God is present"...Now mind you that wasn't the answer I was looking for but it hit home until further direction is received. You see, I am crying out for more of God in my life and wanting this and that of Him (not that these things aren't ok to want) but I was overlooking a very basic promise. Yes a promise. He said absolutely i can be certain that His presence will be with me (or you) when we walk in love!!!
Thats you girl! You are a saint of God! to your co-workers, to your friends, and yeah even to the people that annoy us. If we want more of God, all we have to do is walk in love! pretty cool huh?
This may be something that is very obvious to you, but for this gal in the hills it felt like fresh fire!
Happy wed! I have this silly grin on my face cuz it's awesome talking about God!
From: Jessica
Sent: Wednesday, December 05, 2007 1:23 PM
To: 'jennifer
Subject: RE: Deposit Received
We just have to walk into his love.
Could it also be that his love is already what we're walking in? Could we be walking in his love because this earth and all that are in it are fruits of his love and he is even currently loving the sinners of the most sinfulest of natures? Could it be that his love is already encompassing us and we are already walking in it, but that maybe we have shielded ourselves to it? Could it just be that we are already walking in his love and if we just shake off those walls and borders that we put around ourselves and let that love permeate into us, we'll be walking with an awareness of his love?
Maybe it's not that we need to walk into his love, maybe it's that we need to be aware that we're already doing it?
...email 2... i just kept thinking on her email and had to go farther:
When I (jennifer or Jessica) walk in love God is present"
Because perhaps right now we are walking in confusion.
Maybe we're walking in animosity, frustration, control, despair, self-pity…
Maybe walking in love isn't that the love is around us and we're walking into it. Maybe love is the way we are walking. When we are walking in love we are reflecting God. When we are reflections of God He is present.
Like, when Aidan does or says something I do or say I get all proud. Ahhhh, he's so sweet, he's just like me! He has my sense of humor, he values the things I value, my little guy is my little boy version of a mini-me. My heart swells with happiness and pride cuz I know that he's watching me and he wants to be just like me cuz I'm the best person out there!
So, imagine God's swelling heart when we live with a God focus and we try our hardest to overcome the sin we're born with and all the temptations and try to live like Him. Us living like God is much harder than Aidan living like me… So it means all that much more!
...email 3... answering Matt's question the night before, how do we bring others to God?
Because, maybe when we are walking in his love and we are a reflection of that love it draws people to look. If we are a reflection, they are looking at us and seeing themselves in God's love. Maybe when they see us walking in love it is inviting and they can easier see themselves walking in love. Maybe when they are looking for the love of God that is reflected through our walk, they can then see that the "No" is worth it. Maybe when they see the love through us, around us, reflecting from us, it gives them the permission and authority to seek it for themselves. When they decide to seek it for themselves God gives them someone to guide them, and that is how we bring them to God.
Not teaching them what they can't do and telling them why. Walking in God's love and inviting them to do it with us.
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