Whole and Full and Happy

You know, it seems that sometimes, for no reason, someone will try to sabatoge your growth. Be it personal, spiritual, professional, what have you. But that's when you look at them with pity and love. You have to remind yourself that they too are human and suffer their own insecurities.

Keep them to yourself! You want to shout.

Don't provoke me with your own inner turmoil! You scream in your head.

Leave me ALONE!

That is how I feel at times with a certain associate.

It seems as though each time I let down my guard she begins to twist herself deeper in the mire of her own delusions. What it is exactly she is projecting onto me I'm unsure other than the idea that I am not at all what she'd like me to be: weak, dumb, maliable...

While I continue to ignore her repeated attempts to get under my skin she digs her nails in deeper. Funny, I feel a faint tickle, a light breeze on the hairs of my arm, as under the surface she claws and bites and fights her way to get at me. She attempts to insult my relationships past, she belittles that which I hold most dear, and she seeks to bring spiritual fear into my home. But she fails.

I am secure with who I am, what I want, where I am going, and the love in my heart.

And you know what is so weird? I love this person. I do. I love her as though she is my own family. We don't get to choose our family right? They are chosen for us from above for whatever reasons He may have.

And you know, really, I'd LIKE to dislike her. It seems as though I should... doesn't it? I should. I should resent or something.

But I don't.

I actually kind of like her because beneath it all I see a smart, witty woman.

I actually kind of like her because beneath it all I see me.

I see the me I used to be.

I see the me who was insecure with myself even though I would try like heck to convince me otherwise. I see the me who placed my value on my weight (wait, I still do that, bad girl). I see the me who was happy for my friends, but also a little sad for me. I see the me who loves and is FILLED WITH LOVE and worries that the love will somehow fade or leave me. I see the confused and lost me who feels like everything and everyone around her is controlling her present and if she could just force things to go her way, well, then everything would go her way.

I see her. I remember her. I am still her. I struggle against knowing that part of me regularly.

...and yet...

she is no longer me.

And so, I cannot dislike this woman who begrudges me. I cannot look at this woman with malevolence- which is really very unlike me! It's just not in there, it's not in my heart.

I try. I think to myself, "who does she think she is and why is this remotely interesting to her?" but really, I don't care. I just don't. I don't care if she's trying to get to me and I just continue to love her like she is my family. Because she is.

I am not going anywhere and I will likely be in her life indefinitely. She's not going anywhere either. And so, I love her. My love spreading agenda has no agenda here. She can hate me, loathe me, have contempt for me, see me as the antithesis of everything she values, but I will continue to love and be respectful to her.

It does not make me weak. It does not make me helpless.

It makes me whole and full and happy.