Jenn's Inspiration

I know, dear reader, that you do not know the context behind this email message, but take from it what YOU need because we all need a little inspiration and someone who believes in us.

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Oh my sweet friend!

Remember, this is just a temporary reclusion you are doing. God has given you such vibrance and love, and he did not intend you to shut yourself off from the world indefinately. So when you feel isolated without your texting and your friends down here just remember that you are there to do a job. YOU are far more important than anyone else right now. If you don't take care of yourself- your heart, mind and soul, no one else will. When you feel strong and confident with yourself and the Lord you will be able to come home and be the spotted bark!

Even Mother Theresa struggled with her relationship with God. Remember, He created us imperfect. He created us and He created us so that we were going to fall down and fail and struggle to be what He wants us to be. He does not shake his head in disappointment at us, instead he rejoices when we pick up, dust off and try again. It's the struggle that he's watching. He's watching how we fight against our own personal demons. He's watching our hearts and how we succumb and drift into those struggles and how we fight and claw and scratch our ways against the desires of our flesh. It's the INTENTIONS of our hearts that he watches and values.

He gave us our gifts to use. I do think that maybe one of the reasons you, Missy and me all get along so well is because we have similar gifts. And MAYBE when we have all grown appropriately in our spirituality we are all together supposed to do something with it. I don't know a lot about your upbringing (you have a pastor for a dad and you're from BFE). But you know Missy's upbringing and her resiliance to all her struggles. Me, we'll say, I've had my share and I will discuss those with you in person when it comes up.

To paraphrase: grew up super poor, chaotic family, pregnant at 19, tumultuous marriage, divorced, graduated with my BA and then I took a year to live. Met Adam. Fell in love. He hit on other women, manipulated and belittled, was just shady in general. It BROKE MY HEART to leave him. None of the other events in my life stand up to the pain and bleeding I have done by leaving Adam. Nothing. There was never a time in my life where I wanted to sink and dissolve into the world and into my pain the way I hurt losing him (if you have read any of my myspace blogs you'd know some of that struggle). Oh how I loved that man more than I had ever loved another human being (aside from Aidan). ---funny how after you are truly and utterly over it, you can empathetically remember the bleeding feeling and yet NOT feel it any longer. I'm so GRATEFUL to be done, healed and whole from all of that!

But what hurt more was that although I knew he loved me, he didn't respect me. And what is love without respect? Empty.

So I was giving a full love and receiving an empty one in return.

And so this year I have searched and I have sought for the meaning of it all.

And I still don't know.

But you know what? If you were to do a biography of my life and you were to interview the people I have known, they will all tell you of this vibrance I have. They will tell you that I am PERPETUALLY HAPPY! They will sing my praises of strength, resiliance, humor, funness, intellect, positivity, etc.

I have gone from helpless, sad, ragamuffin to business school grad, banker, and pschyology grad student. I have a little boy who loves going to church and we have a stable home. I am loved and respected by my peers. I am looked up to by friends.

Is any of this actually mine? Is it really my accomplishment? NO!

I wasn't trying. I don't try to be happy and silly or insightful. It's not purposeful. I don't know how or where it comes from, the single mom going to school and working while maintaining friendships and a positive attitude and vision for her future. I just know that I would be broken if I stopped right now. I would be heart broken if I didn't keep on keepin' on. I just feel that in my core being I was made for more and it's SO EXCITING! It drives me and carries me and moves me forward!

I know that this last year I have focused on dating, accomodating friends, and my own search for my soul. I feel like I have satisfied those. Mostly. So this year I will buckle down and focus on doing God's work through psychology. It feels so good and satisfying to know that.

You and I, my friend,

We have this vibrance.

That is our gift from God. Vibrance that pulses and radiates from us so that people WANT to be around us. People love being around us and that is why we have a lot of friends and things to do and places to go, people to see! That vibrance is intoxicating to the empty because it fills them. They find meaning in our meaning. They feel full because our lights shine so dang bright.

Well, guess what.

Why do you think that you need to turn off your texting Jenn? Why do you think you have a reason to isolate yourself in the hills to find an empty place?

You are full of the love and light of God!

You are the salt and the light!

And that is what these men who chase you want from you. This is why you feel the need to run to the hills!

They want more from you than you want to give. They want it because they know you have it. It's not your sex they want, they just don't know it. They are conufising their desire. They feel the call to you, they feel it in their bodies and so they are confusing it because in today's world the sexual desire is so all emcompassing that it is the default explanation. They are empty, they want to be filled and know that you can do it. They KNOW it. Because you can.

I know this also because of this last year of dating and soul searching. This is also true for ME.

But you have to be strong. You have to put them in their place. If they become attracted to you sexually you have to put your foot down and tell them how much you like and respect them. You tell them how you value them intrinsically. You sing their praises of beauty, humor, etc. You tell them all the things you like/love about them. And you tell them that it is not going to go anywhere relationally because that is not what you are about. Don't specify "right now." Don't say, right now, I'm not getting into relationships. That leaves the door open.

Then you know, when you least expect it, someone who is truly down for the count. Someone who values YOU intrinsically will honor that. A man will come along and yes, he may be human and misinterpret his longing as sexual, but you will put him in his place and he will be down for the count. He will stick around just to bask in your joy and he will DESIRE to fill you with his. He will not want to just take from you, but he will want reciprocity in its purest form. He will respect your choice of abstinence and he will think you are awesome because of it!

You are doing a great job Jenn. You have made a sacrifise because you knew it was the right thing for YOU.

And sometimes putting ourselves first is the hardest choice to make.

Take it from someone who knows!

I love you, and my door (or email) is always open to you.
jessie