Matters of the Heart

My friend told me today that he has achieved the things he has aspired for and doesn't feel that anything is happening in his life to make it feel worthwhile. While not talking in a depressed way, I feel that he is in a place where he is readying himself mentally for change. Isn't that what this life is all about? Were we created to revel in complacency or were we given these gifts of internal metamorphosis for a reason? When do we look around and find ourselves in the center of the grey? When we can see that we've found balance from either end of the spectrum and we are not struggling and striving? And when we find that, will we feel that life is too easy and seemingly pointless? Is it the struggle that makes us happy?



The millionaire mogul isn't content sitting at home spending his money, he is out making more; not because he needs it or wants it, but because the chase of it fuels him.



Then I wonder, is it really the chase and the struggle that keeps us motivated or is it the idea of change? Such as, what if my friend mentioned above did ONE thing different. What if he chose another path to enhance this equilibrium he has achieved in his life? What if he became a mentor to a boy without a dad? What would my friend's life look like then? What if my friend took the risky leap of love or entrepreneurship or bungee jumping? What hurricane could those butterflies wings do to inspire him and shake him up enough to spread the warm fuzzies through his being? The fuzzies akin to requited love. You know that feeling, you made your first big deal at work and it was as satisfying as your first kiss from your long-time crush.



I think my friend is starting to stir. Something inside has started to flutter and he doesn't know what to do with it. He can't name it- and what do you do with something when it's nameless? How do you handle it? You begin to distrust it. You feel uneasy about it. You want to question it down to its root, it's origin, it's genesis, so that you can compartmentalize it along with all the other things you already know about yourself and your life. That's a slippery slope my friend, a slippery slope when your on the cusp of CHANGE.



I have no advice to give.

No words of wisdom.



But as someone who has embrased the flutter, I have done the dance. Towards change, I have run through the praries as though running into my lover's arms, only to find moments later that I have turned on my heels and run, run, run away. The thing is... that change... that fluttering... that longing it instills... no matter where I run it's always there and I always find myself hypnotized by it... and I always find myself in that prarie. And each time I run closer to my lovers embrase, my lover, my personal change, before I turn away. Am I turning away from me? Am I turning away from the old me or the new me? Am I turning from my God? Am I turning from all the things that I want and fear will evade me? Do I fear it's all a mirage and the intangibility will become a reality when I reach my lover, my change?



I don't know. That's why I have no advice. Not that anyone is asking for it.



But what I do know, is that my lover, my change, myself, the Jessie who I am deep down and who I want to be is the woman who I embrace. I know she is not an illusion. She has fought long and hard for her authenticity and her VOICE.



Hear me ROAR!



Find me in the golden prarie.



Rolling around

amongst the flowers.



Down here I can't run

and

I'm not hiding



I'm allowing it all to happen

without fear

I am risking.

Down in the golden prarie the lion can stalk its prey...

...but my ROAR is LOUDER...

BRING IT ON!



"Whatever you have forgotten, you can remember. Whatever you have buried you can unearth. If you are willing to look deep into your own nature, if you are willing to peel away the layers of not-self you have adopted in making your way through the tribulations of life, you will find that your true self is not as far removed as you think."
- Meredith Jordan