Reflecting

I am cleaning and listening to podcasts from services I missed (like my bday & fresno dome trip), and one thing the pastor said was that Jesus said "if you have not left everything then you cannot be my disciple."

Do you remember, two years ago when I wasn't going to church regularly? It was Thursday, November 16th 2006 that I left Adam. It was two weeks later that I got that email from Lindsey that made me decide to cut her and the rest of that group from my life. So it was the first of December that I left it all. Mid-December I went to church with Matt & Anna and then in January I start going every week to The Stirring. February I applied for National and March I started school. I left my dreams of moving up in business banking. In October I had that near-death experience, and it was that day that I feel I died. I did. I died that day. The me who I used to be, the me who I had always known. I still think back to that day and get a lump in my throat and praise God because as scary as it was, it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that was His work.

I had been talking on the phone about Matt & Anna, and Billy & Heather's relationships and how someday that's what I wanted. I had never been around people my age who were in a relationship and it was God centered. I didn't have friends like that before, my mom didn't model it, and I was so excited talking about how all the ideas I'd had of my future partner were dead because THIS is what I wanted someday.

It wasn't the house or the handsome, tall man. It wasn't the stability of our joint income. It was the love of God. It was the compatibility of each other and the mutual desire to make God the center of the relationship; rather than focusing on each other or ourselves, focusing on climbing the social ladder and being better than the Jone's. It wasn't a narcissistic love, but a whole one! It was the best kind of love triangle! I don't think anyone in that group of friends I once had knows how to do that or what that looks like, and so I didn't either. How would you be able to see that you were missing out on something so great if you had never witnessed it before?

So I left it all.

I left the only man I had ever loved. I left the only friends I had ever loved. I left my sense of belonging. I left my dreams of career. I turned my back on all of it. And without purposely connecting it, I turned toward church and toward God.

I answered the longing I had in my heart my whole life. I went back to the 15 year old crying after youth group because she wanted to know God more, and didn't know how. I went back to the little girl who loved church and hated to be late. I went back to the innocense I had before I "grew up."

I didn't know what I was doing back then. I didn't see it (although the whole church did as I sat alone in the back and cried every Sunday for a year). Isn't hindsight so 20/20? It's so true.

And so I keep growing in God. As I told you the other day, I am so thirsty! It's not even like the blogs I've done about the fire in my veins, it's a thirst or a hunger. It's different. It doesn't spark when I'm in church, it's just ever-present and it's growing. Heck, I'm listening to sermons on podcast while I get all OCD cleaning the top of my fridge (which you KNOW is looooong overdue). I am counting down the days until I'm done with school (69 days!) and I can start practicum. Because then I will no longer be on standby.

I really see that everything is happening in His time. If I had not left my friends and my love, I would not know the feeling of isolation or abandonment (you still feel abandoned even when you are the one who leaves). If I had not loved, I would not know that I know how to love and how wonderful it is to risk. If I had not left my life I would not know to appreciate my life. If I had not done all that I have done with work/school/mom over these two years, I would not know my strength and stamina. If I had not struggled I would not know my cheerleaders! And I have so many, and I am SO GRATEFUL! If I had not struggled, I would not know gratitude.

And I am learning every day how to let go and put my life in His hands through faith because He has already been so faithful. Even when I'm in self-pity over my exhausting schedule He gives me teachers who see the burn-out and cut me slack!

Looking back, I have gone through some scary and difficult times and transitions, but I see that they were all necessary. A coworker told me yesterday, "Jessica, you are the most patient person I know." And the old Jessica would have scoffed at that comment because it would have been an outright lie! I have learned patience. And fortitude.
And I learned this because I left everything.

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Hey, do you have any favorite sermons that especially touch you? Something I can download and listen to? Jamie told me her favorite from Bethel, but there are so many to choose from on my church's and hers that it would sure be helpful to hear about others so I don't have to listen to every single one!

Ok, I'd better get back to cleaning! I've created a bigger mess than there was to start out with! I'm sure that can be used toward an analogy of some sort. Happy Saturday!

J