Phase 3...

Saturday will be the 27th day of my cycle, and also, it is the day that I am due to rejuvenate within. As much of a burden as that is physically, it is a liberating release to shed my body of the hormones washing me in emotion. It seems that my body is in a state of rebirth as it is currently undergoing a transformation of cycle, again. My month is getting shorter, my hormones are getting stronger, even my scent has evolved.

In a test of my hormonal patience, yesterday my son exhibited his first teenaged rebellion. Poor timing, child/man.

My frustration and disappointment in my son's choice, interwove itself with my newfound, pre-menses emotions. They have been spilling over into other aspects of myself and my soul today.

I began with anger, FURY. Then calmed down into disappointment. The emotions made their way over to the romantic portions of my heart where they found insecurity, longing, and doubt. Now, I feel despairing and filled with sorrow. My eyes brim with tears and there is something stuck in my throat.

I do not know why I am so saturated.

But I feel like drowning in them. I feel like allowing them to caress my skin and tell me I am unworthy, unloved, and alone. My mind and my heart know this is a lie, and my soul rests on this knowledge. I do not ACTUALLY feel unworthy, unloved or alone. But these lies are dancing on me... slithering up and down my skin.... weaving themselves among the truthes, trying to camouflage.

Last night, my fury with Aidan evolved into my feelings toward men and past disappointments. In the past, I have been so elated during the beginning of a new relationship, I have said that I'm only going to live in the present and enjoy today. But tomorrow came and I was brought to my knees with sorrow because the expectations of the joy promised by today, was not lived through. And so I am holding back myself, I am giving this man an opportunity to prove me wrong, but I am learning from yesterday. I will live in today, but I will not expect a tomorrow, nor will I hope for one.

My hope in men or relationships has been drained. I do not request a man to refill it, because it is not in his power. All that I can do from here forward is to cease eschewing men and relationships from my life, open myself to them as far as I am comfortable, and expect nothing.

Cubic Zirconium

I have been the protagonist of poetry written in effort to woo or entice me.

I have played the muse to a lyricist.

I have brought strong men to their knees, requesting requite for their love.

But to all these men, I have been a means to an end.

I have been a fantasy.

None of these men have put forth the effort to discover the soul beneath the woman.

None of these men have truly loved ME.

This is the cornerstone and mortar to the walls that surround my sashay and flirtation.

Laminin

I'm the one who holds it all together.

I'm the one who is the glue.

I put the wrong right again.

I sacrifice and I love.

I am strength incarnate.

Even when it is my turn, it is never my turn.

Where is my heart when my heart needs me?

Where is my heart when I need it to be strong for me?

Where is my love when my heart is hurting?

When is it my turn to be vulnerable?

It is not now, for I am strong.

My fortress needs me.

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The Lord is my Strength, I am not my own.

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Calm me, O Lord, as you stilled the storm,
Still me, O Lord, keep me from harm,
Let all the tumult within me cease,
Enfold me, Lord, in your peace.
~ Celtic Traditional

Fury

It is rare that I am furious.

My body doesn't recognize the anger.

I feel like there is a simmering boil in my heart.

I don't know if it's anger or disappointment,

it's both.

They are dancing, making love, and laughing.

Anger and disappointment.

My peace and self-control have them caged,

but they act like burlesque dancers in that cage.

I am not a circus ringleader, I don't know how to tame a lion,

and right now

I feel angry, disappointed and powerless.

I don't want to sleep.

I don't want to speak.

I don't want to shout.

I don't want anything.

I just want to be alone and be angry.

Awake, oh Sleeper!

I once feared the ice.
. The cold and brittle that can surround a warm heart; snuff its flame.

I once feared the chill.
. The coolness of a cavalier attitude.

It was in this frozenness that I laid all my worries and fears about people. I layered and scattered them throughout the tundra.

I had once blazed so hot, that I can remember the magnitude of my fire... though ash now remains.

My heat was blue.

Sometimes, I wonder if that fire can reignite. Sometimes I wonder if I can stoke it.

Sometimes, I enjoy my ice castle as I sit here with my old foes...

Sometimes, I long to burn within.

Frozen suspension is an ambivilant torture beyond a pyre.

Sigh, life. Every time I think I have a piece of it figured out, I’m proven wrong.

Sometimes it is a good thing.

I have it all figured out, but I’m being pessimistic or throwing a pity party.

Then I’m proven wrong and feel warm and fuzzy all over.

Sometimes it sucks.

I have it all figured out and things are going to be a-okay,

and then I’m proven wrong. Things go terribly awry.

This time though, I’m done trying to figure it out.

Today one of my girlfriends asked me when we know what God’s plan is. I told her that we’ll never know, but that it will unfold regardless. I think this is a turning point for me. I’m just accepting what God is putting in front of me.

In church yesterday Nate put up a quote that said,

“letting go doesn’t mean giving up hope, it means giving up control.”

I have struggled and struggled with the issue of control.

I keep saying that I will give up my perfectionist attitude (with me constantly failing because I am FAR, FAR, FAR from perfect!) and I will stop trying to control everything around me. But I always fail and fall short, how can a perfectionist stop being a perfectionist without failing???

The idea in and of itself is controlled failure to control!

Anyway, when I said that to her it was evidence that I truly have embodied and given in to the fact that I do not control my destiny, other people, or God. No amount of begging can persuade God to give me what I want, because only He knows what I need. No matter how much I think I know what I want my future to look like, my future continually gets given to me today in a manner that looks completely unlike my fantasy. Although, I don’t think I have been fantasizing big enough, because while aesthetically I don’t have my “dreams”, in actuality I have MORE!

When I decided to go back to college and give up the immediate idea of husband and more children, I thought that I was doing it to both earn more money and also do something interesting that might help people. What did I get? Stress, chaos, second-guessing… then when I finished school… I got a job that makes almost HALF of what I earned before. Yikes! That’s not the financial payoff I was expecting. I got a job that goes to people’s homes (some homes are very, very dirty) and tries to guess the ways people need help, and then encourages and assists them to help themselves (I had imagined a business suit, fancy office, and my own receptionist).

But HOLY SMOKES!

I hadn’t dreamed big enough!

What I REALLY GOT:

· A sister who calls me up, chooses me over all the family who live close by and whom she has known her whole live, and asks for me to rescue her. Now she is living with me (indefinitely) and I have family! No more loneliness asking God why he has made me such a stationary nomad without family.

· A job with all coworkers who are Christian, and who build each other up. Coworkers who aren’t in competition with one another, but rather encourage one another’s success.

· A job that was recommended to me by a woman who I had once loved as a sister, and later loathed. A job that every day reminds me that both this woman and I have changed from friends, to enemies, to acquaintances, and to… who knows what, but that people do change and it is a wonderful thing!

· A paycheck that pays the bills and provides enough gas money to rescue sisters in their times of need.

· A paycheck! And whether it’s more, less, or the same as I made before I’m grateful for it!

· The opportunities for trainings and experiences that I would not have if I were sitting in an office, wearing a suit and asking my receptionist for coffee.

· I get to help at a church were some of the MOST AMAZING people I have ever met also help. Every single time I leave The Way I feel so lucky to have gotten to be there for those few hours.

I got a son who loves and values his mother, his friends, his education, his church, and himself.

I got a heart of gratitude.

And that makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE!