(an ode to my lovelorn friends)
I do believe that you can love someone so much that you can physically ache for them when that love line is severed. When you give yourself, your heart, your love, and you really and truly give it- then it is no longer yours. If you've given it and "it's over" then you have to re-grow your love and your heart. You can feel vulnerable and exposed. Empty and fear the worst will fill that void. Succumb to that fear, let it fill that space that once housed your heart. Cripple yourself as you dissolve into the mire, as you sink and sulk and allow it to consume you- because really, nothing is as glorious as the love that once called you home. And if you can't have that, then what's the point in fighting off the demons longing to live there in its stead?
The thing is, you can't give away what's not already yours. Your heart. Your love. It's yours and it's always there. It always will be there. What determines the power of its presence is how you choose to cherish it. You may have fully given your love, and now you feel incomplete, but you're not. You must nurture what is still there as the piece you kept was merely on accident. You intended to give it all away...
How will you cherish it? Will you hoard it? Will you apply this pain of heartbreak to this piece of heart you have left? Will you grow to believe your heart is something that causes pain? Will you hide it away and never give the best you have to give?
Or will you grow it? Will you take that little piece you have left? Will You love that piece with the same love that itself contains? Will you grow it and trust it that it can give you that love you so long for... only by giving it away again? You grow your children to give them to the world. You grow your heart to give it to your Love. The both of these, your child and your heart (sometimes synonymous!) you grow to give away, but you first give them to God. And because you've given them to God, because you are faithful and WORTHY, you can trust that they are both safe.
But I don't believe many people love like this nowadays- which is a shame. I think it's because people give up before they give their heart. There is a difference between discernment, testing the waters, waiting until the man/woman has proven themselves worthy of your heart, and just holding onto it indefinitely out of fear or greed.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
My Darling Aunts: Purdue's Golden Girls
NOW IT ALLLL MAKES SENSE! WHY I LOVE TO GYRATE ON THE DANCE FLOOR... WHO'S A FLIRT? NOT ME!
I just found an article about when aunt Adelaide marched on the field of Notre Dame. Grandma told me about how Adelaide was the first woman to step on the field of Notre Dame and look what I found!!!!! I know there are two more articles out there, the one mentioned in the Chicago Tribune about Teddy and there's another Sport's Illustraited one about Adelaide. Woo hoo!!!
In their own words..
Purdue Band alums share special memories of Golden Girls
William Burk: I remember arriving in the caravan of buses at the Notre Dame practice field next to their dorms. Teddy Darling was dressed in gold toreador pants that almost looked like she had been painted with gold paint. The "men" of Notre Dame literally flowed out of their dorms to google at Teddy and the other girls. When we marched to and from the stadium we had to surround the girls with the first few ranks of trombones.
Larry Burkhart: While at Purdue, I got a job at the outdoor ice rink behind the Co-Rec Gym as a rink guard. We went early to "shovel off" the ice before skating began. One evening, Teddy Darling arrived early and asked if she could practice with racing blades, which were prohibited during public skating. "Sure you can skate" was the answer. We discussed the AAMB and all the activities often. One day Teddie said she had something that would go well with my hat and keep my neck warm while on the outdoor rink. She took off a long silk gold scarf and gave it to me and said thanks for letting her skate early. After that, I wore the scarf when at the rink. Along with many other memories, I still have the gold scarf and a Chicago Tribune magazine with Teddy Darling featured on the front cover.
Brian William "Bill" Maxey: I have one Golden Girl story I can share, dating back to when Adelaide Darling was Golden Girl. It was 1957 or 58 and the band was playing on national television at Notre Dame. The half-time show included a hula dance by the Golden Girl, with appropriate accompanying music and motion from the band. From my position in the trumpet section, I was so captivated by Addie's seductive gyrations that I messed up the routine! With my eyes fixed where they shouldn't have been fixed, I failed to bow down from the waist along with all the other band members, and was on national TV standing straight up while everyone else had swayed down. I didn't mind the national TV exposure of this error, the real problem was in the videotape which Al G. Wright played on Monday, and re-played, and re-played. I got a boatload of demerits and, yes, I got to carry the FUBAR board for that week. In my years with the Purdue band, that was my one moment of fame. Make that infamy.
http://www.purdue.edu/BANDS/goldengirl/memories.htm
She had even made it into sports illustrated!!!! Check this one out:
WOMEN IN MOTION
Now all together, let us face Up to a relatively new problem in human affairs: Woman's Place on the Football Field. Not to be lightly regarded either, mind you, for here is a question that has aroused controversy across a goodly chunk of mid-America recently. There is, for your first consideration, Purdue's Golden Girl, a Miss Adelaide Darling. Miss Darling, to the dismay of her sister coeds, appeared at half time of the Purdue-Notre Dame game in the fetching, skin-tight, gold lamé whatchamacallit you see at the left. Her twitching performance was a hula dance, she said, but another girl reflected: "She not only walks and talks but wiggles excessively." So much tittle-tattle to Adelaide, who only slightly modified her act at the Illinois game last week.
http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1003077/index.htm
AND here's where her "gyrations" are further discussed:
In 1958, Purdue's "Golden Girl," a gold spangled freshman majorette named Adelaide Darling, "wiggled too much in doing her hula dance last weekend at the Purdue-Notre Dame game," as the AP story explained, and after complaints from Purdue coeds she had to be de-wiggled for the Illinois contest. The resulting crush of photographers the following Saturday forced officials to ask sweet Adelaide to move away from the Purdue bench before the game. Such stories invariable indulged in at least one cheap pun, in this case the comment that "the blonde freshman from Manteca, Cal., went thru her halftime show without any backfield-in-motion penalites being called." Sports Illustrated rhapsodized over Miss Darling's "fetching, skin-tight, gold lame whatchamacallit" ...
King Football: Sport and Spectacle in the Golden Age of Radio http://books.google.com/books?id=Sh7mAxJ9WKgC&pg=PA187&lpg=PA187&dq=Adelaide+Darling&source=web&ots=yO6nXuX_Ci&sig=uhlRLrLeUG1OxIT9btvx5nLxHoQ&hl=en
I just found an article about when aunt Adelaide marched on the field of Notre Dame. Grandma told me about how Adelaide was the first woman to step on the field of Notre Dame and look what I found!!!!! I know there are two more articles out there, the one mentioned in the Chicago Tribune about Teddy and there's another Sport's Illustraited one about Adelaide. Woo hoo!!!
In their own words..
Purdue Band alums share special memories of Golden Girls
William Burk: I remember arriving in the caravan of buses at the Notre Dame practice field next to their dorms. Teddy Darling was dressed in gold toreador pants that almost looked like she had been painted with gold paint. The "men" of Notre Dame literally flowed out of their dorms to google at Teddy and the other girls. When we marched to and from the stadium we had to surround the girls with the first few ranks of trombones.
Larry Burkhart: While at Purdue, I got a job at the outdoor ice rink behind the Co-Rec Gym as a rink guard. We went early to "shovel off" the ice before skating began. One evening, Teddy Darling arrived early and asked if she could practice with racing blades, which were prohibited during public skating. "Sure you can skate" was the answer. We discussed the AAMB and all the activities often. One day Teddie said she had something that would go well with my hat and keep my neck warm while on the outdoor rink. She took off a long silk gold scarf and gave it to me and said thanks for letting her skate early. After that, I wore the scarf when at the rink. Along with many other memories, I still have the gold scarf and a Chicago Tribune magazine with Teddy Darling featured on the front cover.
Brian William "Bill" Maxey: I have one Golden Girl story I can share, dating back to when Adelaide Darling was Golden Girl. It was 1957 or 58 and the band was playing on national television at Notre Dame. The half-time show included a hula dance by the Golden Girl, with appropriate accompanying music and motion from the band. From my position in the trumpet section, I was so captivated by Addie's seductive gyrations that I messed up the routine! With my eyes fixed where they shouldn't have been fixed, I failed to bow down from the waist along with all the other band members, and was on national TV standing straight up while everyone else had swayed down. I didn't mind the national TV exposure of this error, the real problem was in the videotape which Al G. Wright played on Monday, and re-played, and re-played. I got a boatload of demerits and, yes, I got to carry the FUBAR board for that week. In my years with the Purdue band, that was my one moment of fame. Make that infamy.
http://www.purdue.edu/BANDS/goldengirl/memories.htm
She had even made it into sports illustrated!!!! Check this one out:
WOMEN IN MOTION
Now all together, let us face Up to a relatively new problem in human affairs: Woman's Place on the Football Field. Not to be lightly regarded either, mind you, for here is a question that has aroused controversy across a goodly chunk of mid-America recently. There is, for your first consideration, Purdue's Golden Girl, a Miss Adelaide Darling. Miss Darling, to the dismay of her sister coeds, appeared at half time of the Purdue-Notre Dame game in the fetching, skin-tight, gold lamé whatchamacallit you see at the left. Her twitching performance was a hula dance, she said, but another girl reflected: "She not only walks and talks but wiggles excessively." So much tittle-tattle to Adelaide, who only slightly modified her act at the Illinois game last week.
http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1003077/index.htm
AND here's where her "gyrations" are further discussed:
In 1958, Purdue's "Golden Girl," a gold spangled freshman majorette named Adelaide Darling, "wiggled too much in doing her hula dance last weekend at the Purdue-Notre Dame game," as the AP story explained, and after complaints from Purdue coeds she had to be de-wiggled for the Illinois contest. The resulting crush of photographers the following Saturday forced officials to ask sweet Adelaide to move away from the Purdue bench before the game. Such stories invariable indulged in at least one cheap pun, in this case the comment that "the blonde freshman from Manteca, Cal., went thru her halftime show without any backfield-in-motion penalites being called." Sports Illustrated rhapsodized over Miss Darling's "fetching, skin-tight, gold lame whatchamacallit" ...
King Football: Sport and Spectacle in the Golden Age of Radio http://books.google.com/books?id=Sh7mAxJ9WKgC&pg=PA187&lpg=PA187&dq=Adelaide+Darling&source=web&ots=yO6nXuX_Ci&sig=uhlRLrLeUG1OxIT9btvx5nLxHoQ&hl=en
Friday, May 9, 2008
Matters of the Heart
My friend told me today that he has achieved the things he has aspired for and doesn't feel that anything is happening in his life to make it feel worthwhile. While not talking in a depressed way, I feel that he is in a place where he is readying himself mentally for change. Isn't that what this life is all about? Were we created to revel in complacency or were we given these gifts of internal metamorphosis for a reason? When do we look around and find ourselves in the center of the grey? When we can see that we've found balance from either end of the spectrum and we are not struggling and striving? And when we find that, will we feel that life is too easy and seemingly pointless? Is it the struggle that makes us happy?
The millionaire mogul isn't content sitting at home spending his money, he is out making more; not because he needs it or wants it, but because the chase of it fuels him.
Then I wonder, is it really the chase and the struggle that keeps us motivated or is it the idea of change? Such as, what if my friend mentioned above did ONE thing different. What if he chose another path to enhance this equilibrium he has achieved in his life? What if he became a mentor to a boy without a dad? What would my friend's life look like then? What if my friend took the risky leap of love or entrepreneurship or bungee jumping? What hurricane could those butterflies wings do to inspire him and shake him up enough to spread the warm fuzzies through his being? The fuzzies akin to requited love. You know that feeling, you made your first big deal at work and it was as satisfying as your first kiss from your long-time crush.
I think my friend is starting to stir. Something inside has started to flutter and he doesn't know what to do with it. He can't name it- and what do you do with something when it's nameless? How do you handle it? You begin to distrust it. You feel uneasy about it. You want to question it down to its root, it's origin, it's genesis, so that you can compartmentalize it along with all the other things you already know about yourself and your life. That's a slippery slope my friend, a slippery slope when your on the cusp of CHANGE.
I have no advice to give.
No words of wisdom.
But as someone who has embrased the flutter, I have done the dance. Towards change, I have run through the praries as though running into my lover's arms, only to find moments later that I have turned on my heels and run, run, run away. The thing is... that change... that fluttering... that longing it instills... no matter where I run it's always there and I always find myself hypnotized by it... and I always find myself in that prarie. And each time I run closer to my lovers embrase, my lover, my personal change, before I turn away. Am I turning away from me? Am I turning away from the old me or the new me? Am I turning from my God? Am I turning from all the things that I want and fear will evade me? Do I fear it's all a mirage and the intangibility will become a reality when I reach my lover, my change?
I don't know. That's why I have no advice. Not that anyone is asking for it.
But what I do know, is that my lover, my change, myself, the Jessie who I am deep down and who I want to be is the woman who I embrace. I know she is not an illusion. She has fought long and hard for her authenticity and her VOICE.
Hear me ROAR!
Find me in the golden prarie.
Rolling around
amongst the flowers.
Down here I can't run
and
I'm not hiding
I'm allowing it all to happen
without fear
I am risking.
Down in the golden prarie the lion can stalk its prey...
...but my ROAR is LOUDER...
BRING IT ON!
"Whatever you have forgotten, you can remember. Whatever you have buried you can unearth. If you are willing to look deep into your own nature, if you are willing to peel away the layers of not-self you have adopted in making your way through the tribulations of life, you will find that your true self is not as far removed as you think."
- Meredith Jordan
The millionaire mogul isn't content sitting at home spending his money, he is out making more; not because he needs it or wants it, but because the chase of it fuels him.
Then I wonder, is it really the chase and the struggle that keeps us motivated or is it the idea of change? Such as, what if my friend mentioned above did ONE thing different. What if he chose another path to enhance this equilibrium he has achieved in his life? What if he became a mentor to a boy without a dad? What would my friend's life look like then? What if my friend took the risky leap of love or entrepreneurship or bungee jumping? What hurricane could those butterflies wings do to inspire him and shake him up enough to spread the warm fuzzies through his being? The fuzzies akin to requited love. You know that feeling, you made your first big deal at work and it was as satisfying as your first kiss from your long-time crush.
I think my friend is starting to stir. Something inside has started to flutter and he doesn't know what to do with it. He can't name it- and what do you do with something when it's nameless? How do you handle it? You begin to distrust it. You feel uneasy about it. You want to question it down to its root, it's origin, it's genesis, so that you can compartmentalize it along with all the other things you already know about yourself and your life. That's a slippery slope my friend, a slippery slope when your on the cusp of CHANGE.
I have no advice to give.
No words of wisdom.
But as someone who has embrased the flutter, I have done the dance. Towards change, I have run through the praries as though running into my lover's arms, only to find moments later that I have turned on my heels and run, run, run away. The thing is... that change... that fluttering... that longing it instills... no matter where I run it's always there and I always find myself hypnotized by it... and I always find myself in that prarie. And each time I run closer to my lovers embrase, my lover, my personal change, before I turn away. Am I turning away from me? Am I turning away from the old me or the new me? Am I turning from my God? Am I turning from all the things that I want and fear will evade me? Do I fear it's all a mirage and the intangibility will become a reality when I reach my lover, my change?
I don't know. That's why I have no advice. Not that anyone is asking for it.
But what I do know, is that my lover, my change, myself, the Jessie who I am deep down and who I want to be is the woman who I embrace. I know she is not an illusion. She has fought long and hard for her authenticity and her VOICE.
Hear me ROAR!
Find me in the golden prarie.
Rolling around
amongst the flowers.
Down here I can't run
and
I'm not hiding
I'm allowing it all to happen
without fear
I am risking.
Down in the golden prarie the lion can stalk its prey...
...but my ROAR is LOUDER...
BRING IT ON!
"Whatever you have forgotten, you can remember. Whatever you have buried you can unearth. If you are willing to look deep into your own nature, if you are willing to peel away the layers of not-self you have adopted in making your way through the tribulations of life, you will find that your true self is not as far removed as you think."
- Meredith Jordan
Monday, April 28, 2008
just questioning
Can you tell me where your strong belief came from? As a child, where did you get it? I'm just curious...just questioning!
You know, I'm not really sure. Let's see... we went to a different church all the time. We'd go to one for about a year, then quit church for a while, then go to a different one. We tried all the different denominations of protestant Christianity (which just means we protested Catholicism and are "just Christian").
I think around age fourteen we just stopped going. But I still went to Wednesday youth groups on my own. There was one walking distance down the road.
But once I turned 16 working and living life was more important.
Diego and I got married by my friend's dad who's a pastor. So then we'd go here and there to the church he worked for (and now going back to it on Christmas I can see why it didn't inspire me to keep going- it's like the old painting of velvet elvis in the basement, it's beautiful to the old people who bought it, but I need an electric elvis for my wall). Then I didn't go to church again until my relationship with Adam was coming to a close.
I suddenly started listening to AirOne (Christian alternative) and then started attending the church across from my apartment. I was still going there during the breakup, but I just wasn't really feeling "it" about that place. I liked the band, but didn't feel like the pastor was very educating. Then a guy I worked with invited me to this one.
The first sermon was about how Jesus' first miracle was to extend the party by making more wine and pointing out that while Jesus and his family had been invited to the wedding, all the diciples had not. So he crashed it with his buddies. His mom is the one who confronted him to make the wine. So the Elvis in the basement was suddenly more relatable... no longer some dingy old velvet canvas that everyone else "got" but now he was this electric Elvis who was a little more like me than I thought.
So I started attending regularly because I wanted to see what he had to say. I wanted to see if the pastor was just spinning things so people would hear what they wanted. But what was happening was it was actually making me take a look at my own faith. It was challenging me to think for myself. He was able to apply biblical teachings to things that were happening to me right then (my pastor is 30 and the congregation averages between 20-35 years old).
Did you read my blog: Strokes on the Canvas? It was really what happened that night that solidified my faith to the unwavering it is now. I was nonchalantly Christian before, comme ci comme ca... I believed but wouldn't have wanted anyone to ask me questions about it. And now I say, "bring it on!" I don't know much about doctrine- but that's why I don't practice "religion."
"Religion" is about changing what you do on the outside in order to appease a higher power. That's not what Jesus taught. He wants you to change yourself from the inside out. He said "what good is it to only love those who love you?" He instructs you to love those you wish ill of you, because that's where the struggle is, that's the action that deserves reward. But how do you FAKE LOVE? You can't fake love in your heart, you can fake act like you love someone. But He wasn't telling you to ACT like you love someone. He was directing you to facilitate a verb.
That's the difference. Religion is doing what you are supposed to do because you were told to do it and if you do it then you are right. Following the guidelines. Walking the walk, talking the talk... maybe... no one's perfect...
To me, this is about more than that. It's about changing who I am on the inside to reflect my beliefs. It's about learning to forgive, and then doing it. When you change the inside, your mind, your heart, you invariably change your outside and end up accidentaly following doctrine... That's what he was getting at.
You don't use people. You don't use yourself.
Send me the link to your blog! You're freakin' amazing!
I just can't get into religion. I see too much of it around me here and it seems very hypocritical. Then there's that creepy Pastor on TV who wrote the Purpose Driven Life. He's kinda gay.
I may have said this before, but I admire Christians to a degree. I admire that they find peace in thinking that some higher power will take care of them....although all one has to do is look at the poverty and suffering on this planet...so do they think that they are better than the staving child in Rwanda? It's just so illogical to me.
Ha! Thinking too deep to be @ work!
To answer your question, no.
Well, in any industry or religion you'll find hypocrites. The Starbucks mogul who abhors coffee, the libral who pickets abortion, the pot smoking hippy who secretly listens to the Backstreet Boys, the petitioner for the spotted owl who buys paper products from the very companies cutting down his favorite forest... I feel that people hold Christianity to a higher tier because it's so popular and it's easier to find fault.
Also, there are all those people who misrepresent. There are teachers out there belittling and degrading students and giving the educational institution a bad name. There are bankers who embezzle, but that doesn't mean the bank itself is shady. Are all Islamics bad because there are those terrorists? Does that mean the terrorists represent the true fundamentals of that faith?
No. Christ came to an unwed teenager during a time when she would be stoned to death for sex outside wedlock. It was blasphemous to even talk to lepers. Jesus ate with rich as well as poor. He said to the rich not to only throw dinner parties for their friends knowing the friends will repay them, he said to feed the people who cannot feed themselves because that is the principle behind our life here on Earth.
No, my sweet sister/aunt, it is by the GRACE of God that I was born in this country and that my biggest problem is that I have school paid for and a mom who is kind of weird. One of the things I have always felt called toward is working in the Peace Corps. I truly believe that when Aidan is a little older and I am more financially and professionally stable I will be able to use this experience in banking and my education in psychology to do something great for impoverished lands. I would love to bring Aidan, go on missions, go help others in some way.
I believe that all of our souls look beautifully and uniquely the same. Just as no matter what race we are, we all have red blood in our veins. We all make our choices, we all have an obstacle to overcome- some greater than others, but deep down, we are all loved equally by God. I can't quote the bible, but from my learnings and readings the way I understand it, the poor, beaten, starving, etc are all guaranteed places in Heaven. It is you and I. The ones who have it easy. The ones who are not persecuted who have the greatest responsibility of all! We need to be humble, we need to not be arrogant thinking that we are above those less fortunate, we need to use what we have to help and to be of service the best way we know how.
That does not mean that we must put ourselves in their position. For then we will need the help! What good is that! But we are not to walk by. We are not to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear. We are to love those who don't love us. We are to TRY OUR BEST to live the way Jesus taught us to live. But we can't beat ourselves up either, because we are HUMAN and God created us to fail. If we weren't meant to fail then we'd be perfect, we'd be God.
It's the struggle. The the falling down. It's the acknowledging that you're not perfect and asking for forgiveness. It's realizing that you don't have it all together and you don't have to.
It's not being a teenager saying that you don't know what job to get or keep because you're going to let God decide (you mentioned that before). If he wanted marrionettes he would have built us with strings and without FREE WILL. We are still responsible for the decisions we make and paths we take.
You know, I'm not really sure. Let's see... we went to a different church all the time. We'd go to one for about a year, then quit church for a while, then go to a different one. We tried all the different denominations of protestant Christianity (which just means we protested Catholicism and are "just Christian").
I think around age fourteen we just stopped going. But I still went to Wednesday youth groups on my own. There was one walking distance down the road.
But once I turned 16 working and living life was more important.
Diego and I got married by my friend's dad who's a pastor. So then we'd go here and there to the church he worked for (and now going back to it on Christmas I can see why it didn't inspire me to keep going- it's like the old painting of velvet elvis in the basement, it's beautiful to the old people who bought it, but I need an electric elvis for my wall). Then I didn't go to church again until my relationship with Adam was coming to a close.
I suddenly started listening to AirOne (Christian alternative) and then started attending the church across from my apartment. I was still going there during the breakup, but I just wasn't really feeling "it" about that place. I liked the band, but didn't feel like the pastor was very educating. Then a guy I worked with invited me to this one.
The first sermon was about how Jesus' first miracle was to extend the party by making more wine and pointing out that while Jesus and his family had been invited to the wedding, all the diciples had not. So he crashed it with his buddies. His mom is the one who confronted him to make the wine. So the Elvis in the basement was suddenly more relatable... no longer some dingy old velvet canvas that everyone else "got" but now he was this electric Elvis who was a little more like me than I thought.
So I started attending regularly because I wanted to see what he had to say. I wanted to see if the pastor was just spinning things so people would hear what they wanted. But what was happening was it was actually making me take a look at my own faith. It was challenging me to think for myself. He was able to apply biblical teachings to things that were happening to me right then (my pastor is 30 and the congregation averages between 20-35 years old).
Did you read my blog: Strokes on the Canvas? It was really what happened that night that solidified my faith to the unwavering it is now. I was nonchalantly Christian before, comme ci comme ca... I believed but wouldn't have wanted anyone to ask me questions about it. And now I say, "bring it on!" I don't know much about doctrine- but that's why I don't practice "religion."
"Religion" is about changing what you do on the outside in order to appease a higher power. That's not what Jesus taught. He wants you to change yourself from the inside out. He said "what good is it to only love those who love you?" He instructs you to love those you wish ill of you, because that's where the struggle is, that's the action that deserves reward. But how do you FAKE LOVE? You can't fake love in your heart, you can fake act like you love someone. But He wasn't telling you to ACT like you love someone. He was directing you to facilitate a verb.
That's the difference. Religion is doing what you are supposed to do because you were told to do it and if you do it then you are right. Following the guidelines. Walking the walk, talking the talk... maybe... no one's perfect...
To me, this is about more than that. It's about changing who I am on the inside to reflect my beliefs. It's about learning to forgive, and then doing it. When you change the inside, your mind, your heart, you invariably change your outside and end up accidentaly following doctrine... That's what he was getting at.
You don't use people. You don't use yourself.
Send me the link to your blog! You're freakin' amazing!
I just can't get into religion. I see too much of it around me here and it seems very hypocritical. Then there's that creepy Pastor on TV who wrote the Purpose Driven Life. He's kinda gay.
I may have said this before, but I admire Christians to a degree. I admire that they find peace in thinking that some higher power will take care of them....although all one has to do is look at the poverty and suffering on this planet...so do they think that they are better than the staving child in Rwanda? It's just so illogical to me.
Ha! Thinking too deep to be @ work!
To answer your question, no.
Well, in any industry or religion you'll find hypocrites. The Starbucks mogul who abhors coffee, the libral who pickets abortion, the pot smoking hippy who secretly listens to the Backstreet Boys, the petitioner for the spotted owl who buys paper products from the very companies cutting down his favorite forest... I feel that people hold Christianity to a higher tier because it's so popular and it's easier to find fault.
Also, there are all those people who misrepresent. There are teachers out there belittling and degrading students and giving the educational institution a bad name. There are bankers who embezzle, but that doesn't mean the bank itself is shady. Are all Islamics bad because there are those terrorists? Does that mean the terrorists represent the true fundamentals of that faith?
No. Christ came to an unwed teenager during a time when she would be stoned to death for sex outside wedlock. It was blasphemous to even talk to lepers. Jesus ate with rich as well as poor. He said to the rich not to only throw dinner parties for their friends knowing the friends will repay them, he said to feed the people who cannot feed themselves because that is the principle behind our life here on Earth.
No, my sweet sister/aunt, it is by the GRACE of God that I was born in this country and that my biggest problem is that I have school paid for and a mom who is kind of weird. One of the things I have always felt called toward is working in the Peace Corps. I truly believe that when Aidan is a little older and I am more financially and professionally stable I will be able to use this experience in banking and my education in psychology to do something great for impoverished lands. I would love to bring Aidan, go on missions, go help others in some way.
I believe that all of our souls look beautifully and uniquely the same. Just as no matter what race we are, we all have red blood in our veins. We all make our choices, we all have an obstacle to overcome- some greater than others, but deep down, we are all loved equally by God. I can't quote the bible, but from my learnings and readings the way I understand it, the poor, beaten, starving, etc are all guaranteed places in Heaven. It is you and I. The ones who have it easy. The ones who are not persecuted who have the greatest responsibility of all! We need to be humble, we need to not be arrogant thinking that we are above those less fortunate, we need to use what we have to help and to be of service the best way we know how.
That does not mean that we must put ourselves in their position. For then we will need the help! What good is that! But we are not to walk by. We are not to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear. We are to love those who don't love us. We are to TRY OUR BEST to live the way Jesus taught us to live. But we can't beat ourselves up either, because we are HUMAN and God created us to fail. If we weren't meant to fail then we'd be perfect, we'd be God.
It's the struggle. The the falling down. It's the acknowledging that you're not perfect and asking for forgiveness. It's realizing that you don't have it all together and you don't have to.
It's not being a teenager saying that you don't know what job to get or keep because you're going to let God decide (you mentioned that before). If he wanted marrionettes he would have built us with strings and without FREE WILL. We are still responsible for the decisions we make and paths we take.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
...on that note...
So I've been in such a weird place lately. I've gone MONTHS without even going on a "real" date- self-imposed exile of course! And I am still totally okay with it considering that between work, school and motherhood I really don't have the a) time for a date, b) time to play the get-to-know-ya game, c) space in my brain for one more thing/person, d) space in my life to try to make time or room for anyone else.
...and most importantly...
e) I don't even have the time to keep up with my friends who I care about and value (see all top eight), who have already earned their place in my mind/time/life.
It does feel good to have made the decision of abstinence and purposeful singlehood during this time. It's like I've made my choice and I'm sticking to it. Friends have told me, "Jessica, the time is never right, if "the one" comes along you need to be open and receptive to him." But really, if "the one" comes along and wants me to squeeze him in and isn't willing respect my life of chaotic cramming for tests, research papers, etc. and realize that I don't have room for yet another priority- then is he really "the one?" Would "the one" WANT to further pile onto my plate? And yes, my friend Nick once told me that "the one" wont further pile my plate but instead help me to clear it--- well, if there's not time for thoughtful discernment, then that means just accepting any ol' joe that comes along. And I'm picky...
...and that, my friend, just opens yet another can of worms... another soapbox for another day...
So,
I've been feeling frustrated and powerless. I have CHOSEN to go back to school. I KNEW it would completely take over my life. But I guess I didn't understand the DEGREE of my life that would be consumed! Maybe it's because I took that three month break- I got a taste of freedom... Maybe it's because I've had this schedule for four months since that break (and over a year total) and it's just "time" for a break (breaking point?). Maybe I was able to focus on working out, chillin' with Aidan, get my body and mind back during my break. And maybe because I hit the ground running at 6am, using my lunch hours for research at the college, spend my evenings either in class, cooking dinner, cleaning the apartment, or studying- so that I've gotten chubby again :( and I don't have that mental release that comes from running.
But I've been thinking all these thoughts about my life, my schedule, body, friend and love relationships and they've been sitting on the back of my mind CONSTANTLY.
So although I haven't been "heartbroken" in quite a long while (and you have beared witness to that lengthy healing process- thankfully it's done and over!), but I opened Sex God by Rob Bell last night because "relationship" is the topic it exactly speaks about (relationship= friends, lovers, pain, happiness, etc).
I read this and thought I'd share:
This is why for thousands of years Christians have found the cross to be so central to life. It speaks to us of God's suffering, God's pain, God's broken heart. It's God making the first move and then waiting for our response.
If you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how God feels.
If you have ever given yourself to someone and found yourself waiting for their response, exposed and vulnerable, left hanging in the balance, you know how God feels.
If you have ever given yourself to someone and they responded, they reciprocated with love of their own, you know how God feels.
The cross is God's way of saying, 'I know what it's like.'
The execution stake is the creator of the universe saying, 'I know how you feel.'
Our tendency in the midst of suffering is to turn on God. To get angry and bitter and shake our fist at the sky and say, 'God, you don't know what it's like! You don't understand! You have no idea what I'm going through. You don't have a clue how much this hurts.'
The cross is God's way of taking away all of our accusations, excuses, and arguments.
The cross is God taking on flesh and blood and saying, 'Me too.'
This can transform our experience of heartbreak. Instead of being something that distances us from God, causing us to question, 'Where are you?' every poem by a lover spurned, every song sung with an ache, every movie with a gut-wrenching scene, every late-night coversation and empty box of kleenex are glimpses into the life of God.
Our first need is not for people to fix our problems. People who charge in and have all the answers and try to make things right without first joining us in our pain generally annoy us, or worse yet, they push us away. They have nothing to give us. The God that Jesus points us to is not a god who stands at a distance, wringing his hads and saying, 'If only you'd listened to me.'
This is the God who holds out his hands and asks, 'Would you like to see the holes where the nails went? Would that help?'
It's the place we find out that we're not alone, where we find strength to go on. Not a strength that comes from within ourselves but a strength that comes from God. The God who keeps going. Who keeps offering. Who keeps loving. Who keeps risking.
A God who knows what it's like.
The cross is where we present our wounds to God and say, 'Here, you take them.'
Our healing begins when we participate in the suffering of God. When we don't avoid it but enter into it, and in the process enter into the life of God. When we see our pain not as separating us from but connecting us to our maker.
And in this connection, there's always the chance we'll find a reason to risk again.
If God can continue to risk, then maybe we can too.
Perhaps you have had your heart broken by somebody. You risked and extended and offered yourself, and they rejected and turned away and didn't return your love.
There is something divine in your pain.
You know how God feels.
Really good, loving people get hurt. It's how things are.
Maybe you're living in the wake of a relationship that fell apart. You have to dig those moments up. The parts that hurt and the awkward conversations and the anger and the failure and the misunderstanding and the betrayal. You have to dig them up and acknowledge them before you are ever going to heal.
The danger is that you will decide it isn't worth it. Why risk if it's going to hurt like this? The tragedy would be for you to shut down, to allow a wall to be built around your heart, and for something within you to die.
A decision not to risk again is a decision not to love again. They go together.
Why is it those we love the most are the ones capable of hurting us the most? Our greatest wounds rarely come from strangers. They probably come from an ex-fiance, a former friend, a roommate, a sister, a business partner.
Even in healthy relationships, an offhanded comment or a rolling of the eyes can cripple us for days or years or even a lifetime. This is because the more we open ourselves up, the more vulnerable we are. The more exposed we are, the more it hurts. The more we let someone in, the greater the risk. Surprise, anger, shock, betrayal, helplessness- it all gets mixed in together.
There's a phrase that I have heard used to explain how God loves everybody equaly. People say that 'the ground at the foot of the cross is level.' The idea that God has no favorites, that no matter where you're coming from and what you've done and who you've been with and how badly you've screwed it up, the cross is the place where God looks past it all and forgives and accepts and wipes the slate clean.
In the matters of love, it's as if God has agreed to play by the same rules we do. God can do anything- that's what makes God, God. But God can't do everything. God can't make us love him- that's our choice.
Love is risky for God too.
...and most importantly...
e) I don't even have the time to keep up with my friends who I care about and value (see all top eight), who have already earned their place in my mind/time/life.
It does feel good to have made the decision of abstinence and purposeful singlehood during this time. It's like I've made my choice and I'm sticking to it. Friends have told me, "Jessica, the time is never right, if "the one" comes along you need to be open and receptive to him." But really, if "the one" comes along and wants me to squeeze him in and isn't willing respect my life of chaotic cramming for tests, research papers, etc. and realize that I don't have room for yet another priority- then is he really "the one?" Would "the one" WANT to further pile onto my plate? And yes, my friend Nick once told me that "the one" wont further pile my plate but instead help me to clear it--- well, if there's not time for thoughtful discernment, then that means just accepting any ol' joe that comes along. And I'm picky...
...and that, my friend, just opens yet another can of worms... another soapbox for another day...
So,
I've been feeling frustrated and powerless. I have CHOSEN to go back to school. I KNEW it would completely take over my life. But I guess I didn't understand the DEGREE of my life that would be consumed! Maybe it's because I took that three month break- I got a taste of freedom... Maybe it's because I've had this schedule for four months since that break (and over a year total) and it's just "time" for a break (breaking point?). Maybe I was able to focus on working out, chillin' with Aidan, get my body and mind back during my break. And maybe because I hit the ground running at 6am, using my lunch hours for research at the college, spend my evenings either in class, cooking dinner, cleaning the apartment, or studying- so that I've gotten chubby again :( and I don't have that mental release that comes from running.
But I've been thinking all these thoughts about my life, my schedule, body, friend and love relationships and they've been sitting on the back of my mind CONSTANTLY.
So although I haven't been "heartbroken" in quite a long while (and you have beared witness to that lengthy healing process- thankfully it's done and over!), but I opened Sex God by Rob Bell last night because "relationship" is the topic it exactly speaks about (relationship= friends, lovers, pain, happiness, etc).
I read this and thought I'd share:
This is why for thousands of years Christians have found the cross to be so central to life. It speaks to us of God's suffering, God's pain, God's broken heart. It's God making the first move and then waiting for our response.
If you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how God feels.
If you have ever given yourself to someone and found yourself waiting for their response, exposed and vulnerable, left hanging in the balance, you know how God feels.
If you have ever given yourself to someone and they responded, they reciprocated with love of their own, you know how God feels.
The cross is God's way of saying, 'I know what it's like.'
The execution stake is the creator of the universe saying, 'I know how you feel.'
Our tendency in the midst of suffering is to turn on God. To get angry and bitter and shake our fist at the sky and say, 'God, you don't know what it's like! You don't understand! You have no idea what I'm going through. You don't have a clue how much this hurts.'
The cross is God's way of taking away all of our accusations, excuses, and arguments.
The cross is God taking on flesh and blood and saying, 'Me too.'
This can transform our experience of heartbreak. Instead of being something that distances us from God, causing us to question, 'Where are you?' every poem by a lover spurned, every song sung with an ache, every movie with a gut-wrenching scene, every late-night coversation and empty box of kleenex are glimpses into the life of God.
Our first need is not for people to fix our problems. People who charge in and have all the answers and try to make things right without first joining us in our pain generally annoy us, or worse yet, they push us away. They have nothing to give us. The God that Jesus points us to is not a god who stands at a distance, wringing his hads and saying, 'If only you'd listened to me.'
This is the God who holds out his hands and asks, 'Would you like to see the holes where the nails went? Would that help?'
It's the place we find out that we're not alone, where we find strength to go on. Not a strength that comes from within ourselves but a strength that comes from God. The God who keeps going. Who keeps offering. Who keeps loving. Who keeps risking.
A God who knows what it's like.
The cross is where we present our wounds to God and say, 'Here, you take them.'
Our healing begins when we participate in the suffering of God. When we don't avoid it but enter into it, and in the process enter into the life of God. When we see our pain not as separating us from but connecting us to our maker.
And in this connection, there's always the chance we'll find a reason to risk again.
If God can continue to risk, then maybe we can too.
Perhaps you have had your heart broken by somebody. You risked and extended and offered yourself, and they rejected and turned away and didn't return your love.
There is something divine in your pain.
You know how God feels.
Really good, loving people get hurt. It's how things are.
Maybe you're living in the wake of a relationship that fell apart. You have to dig those moments up. The parts that hurt and the awkward conversations and the anger and the failure and the misunderstanding and the betrayal. You have to dig them up and acknowledge them before you are ever going to heal.
The danger is that you will decide it isn't worth it. Why risk if it's going to hurt like this? The tragedy would be for you to shut down, to allow a wall to be built around your heart, and for something within you to die.
A decision not to risk again is a decision not to love again. They go together.
Why is it those we love the most are the ones capable of hurting us the most? Our greatest wounds rarely come from strangers. They probably come from an ex-fiance, a former friend, a roommate, a sister, a business partner.
Even in healthy relationships, an offhanded comment or a rolling of the eyes can cripple us for days or years or even a lifetime. This is because the more we open ourselves up, the more vulnerable we are. The more exposed we are, the more it hurts. The more we let someone in, the greater the risk. Surprise, anger, shock, betrayal, helplessness- it all gets mixed in together.
There's a phrase that I have heard used to explain how God loves everybody equaly. People say that 'the ground at the foot of the cross is level.' The idea that God has no favorites, that no matter where you're coming from and what you've done and who you've been with and how badly you've screwed it up, the cross is the place where God looks past it all and forgives and accepts and wipes the slate clean.
In the matters of love, it's as if God has agreed to play by the same rules we do. God can do anything- that's what makes God, God. But God can't do everything. God can't make us love him- that's our choice.
Love is risky for God too.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
J-Swan's Message
Hi there,
So my friend J-Swan and I were emailing and she gave me permission to post this email from her to me. It was so incredibly touching and so applicable to my girlfriends that I am so compelled to put it here for you.
As I read this a second time I found so much more worth than that which I read the first time. I would encourage you to read it today, mull it over, and then read it again in a day or two.
Jessie
Dear Jessica
I will do the best I can to answer your email from last week. I do not feel God has given me the green light to leave the mountain yet. I realize my need for Him is far greater than my need for socialization right now. You see, I was very narcissist. I was very depressed a lot and "introspective" simply because I loved paying attention to me. I was teased mercilessly in high school and I hated the attention. I wanted to disappear…the more I wanted that it was like the more they noticed me. I decided I would not allow this anymore. I figured if I was going to get attention I would be in CONTROL of when I got it and how. I changed. I dropped God, I dropped my morals, I went into debt buying sensual clothing, and controlled my weight like a mad woman… all uncontrollable behavior. You want to know what's behind this? Satan. Yes that is an easy answer, however I must take responsibility for WHAT I DID WITH HIS TEMPTATION.
…He convinced me that thinking on myself wasn't such a bad thing after all if I didn't look out for J-Swan who would. He then convinced me to find my beauty and worth extrinsically. Yes. I became obsessed. You may be wondering what my obsession was. I wanted male attention and I wanted it bad. No cost. Nothing was too high. I was hurt by my insecurities and therefore I decided to be in control. I was in such deep deception at this point I couldn't even see that my being in "control" was killing me. "Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy" John 10:10...Yes, he uses us against ourselves. I have several people who can attest to this, I could attract any guy I wanted. Even ones that were out of my league in all natural respects. Is that odd? Nope. Satan is able to bring about things that are otherwise not possible so long as he can continue to influence us to the point of death.
I loved bar hoping, texting, pix texting because it was a game of seduction. That game turned into a thing called fantasy. Yes, fantasy for me as well as the men who I attracted. What happens in fantasy? The men crave what I give and I am controlled by the need for their attention. Even though I thought I had power over them. It was about making sure I was the most detached, the most spontaneous, hard to reach dame out there. I made sure that no one touched my heart…..even though inside I longed and wondered what it would be like to feel again. To actually be living. I loved having cute, sensual pictures of me to give them because they craved them and it was enough to get their minds going. I tell you this Jessica not to brag. I tell you this because I fear this is something not talked about and if you say you have a similar past to mine and are on the same journey as me, then I plead with you to listen to me and take this very very very seriously. I decided I better pay attention when God began to reveal these things to me. God isn't to be taken lightly…I've learned that the hard way---
I decided to look up what fantasy means: Unrestrained, an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need, a supposition based on no solid foundation.
And synonyms for fantasy: self-deception, snare, monster.
That last one was me Jessica. I became a monster. I wanted men to see me. To like me. To be captivated by me. To be enthralled. Did this happen? You bet. Sex can do that. What did this do to me? It convinced me that I had really nothing else to offer but what I was giving and portraying. I believe you are serious about Christ. If you are wanting to be truly filled in Him, then it will mean you laying everything down at His feet and being honest with yourself and with Him. You see, the thing about God is that He see's where we are really at. I would try and pretend I didn't want those things anymore, but I wouldn't give up ALL of it. ALL of it meant me not longing and desiring men around me non-stop like they had been for over a decade.
Jessica I pray for you every day. I know you are Royalty. Now that you have come to the knowledge of Christ, you are HIS. His beloved bride worth far more than you can imagine. I want you to know that I can not move because I am utterly dependant on Him to continue and finish this work that He started in me. I have many things to overcome and I am, through Christ. I don't want to be broken and attach God's name to it. You see, that's why I turned from God in the first place. I thought why do I need Him if people are still really messed up and just as bad as non-Christians….so now I fight. I fight hard. This is a battle and it's not for quitters. I refuse to give up. I refuse to let the old J-Swan convince me that partying, attention seeking, drinking, promiscuity (even in the most minor forms) are what I want. I very much try to pray without ceasing like the Bible commands. I don't pray to think about myself, I pray to get me off myself! God help me!
I am desperately captivated by God. Hence forth I am His. I have no right to use my body as a thing to attract and seduce. I do not fear. For the Word says if God is before me, who can be against me. I do not dare look at my life and be disgruntled. For I have tasted and experienced the most divine love. He took me from the midst of it all and said, "She is mine. This one is mine." I would like to share my love story found in Hosea.
Hosea 2:6 "Therefore, behold I will hedge up your way with thorns and wall her in
So that she can not find her paths. She will chase her lovers, but not overtake them. Yes, she will seek them, but not find them. Then she will say "I will go and return to my first husband (Christ) for it was better for me then.
Vs.14 "The Lord says, Therefore, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness and speak comfort to her. I will give her vineyards and the Valley of Achor as a door of Hope. She shall sing there as in the days of her youth…And it shall be in that day she no longer calls me Master, but calls me Husband."
I love these because I can't think of better verses to describe how I was. I chased after all sorts of lovers (doesn't have to be men only), but I never could catch them….we can never find love in anything other than seeking Him with our whole hearts. I want to be a holy, living sacrifice for Him. I've spent years running, I beg God to use the rest of my life as an offering to Him! I love you!
God Bless you!
J-Swan
So my friend J-Swan and I were emailing and she gave me permission to post this email from her to me. It was so incredibly touching and so applicable to my girlfriends that I am so compelled to put it here for you.
As I read this a second time I found so much more worth than that which I read the first time. I would encourage you to read it today, mull it over, and then read it again in a day or two.
Jessie
Dear Jessica
I will do the best I can to answer your email from last week. I do not feel God has given me the green light to leave the mountain yet. I realize my need for Him is far greater than my need for socialization right now. You see, I was very narcissist. I was very depressed a lot and "introspective" simply because I loved paying attention to me. I was teased mercilessly in high school and I hated the attention. I wanted to disappear…the more I wanted that it was like the more they noticed me. I decided I would not allow this anymore. I figured if I was going to get attention I would be in CONTROL of when I got it and how. I changed. I dropped God, I dropped my morals, I went into debt buying sensual clothing, and controlled my weight like a mad woman… all uncontrollable behavior. You want to know what's behind this? Satan. Yes that is an easy answer, however I must take responsibility for WHAT I DID WITH HIS TEMPTATION.
…He convinced me that thinking on myself wasn't such a bad thing after all if I didn't look out for J-Swan who would. He then convinced me to find my beauty and worth extrinsically. Yes. I became obsessed. You may be wondering what my obsession was. I wanted male attention and I wanted it bad. No cost. Nothing was too high. I was hurt by my insecurities and therefore I decided to be in control. I was in such deep deception at this point I couldn't even see that my being in "control" was killing me. "Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy" John 10:10...Yes, he uses us against ourselves. I have several people who can attest to this, I could attract any guy I wanted. Even ones that were out of my league in all natural respects. Is that odd? Nope. Satan is able to bring about things that are otherwise not possible so long as he can continue to influence us to the point of death.
I loved bar hoping, texting, pix texting because it was a game of seduction. That game turned into a thing called fantasy. Yes, fantasy for me as well as the men who I attracted. What happens in fantasy? The men crave what I give and I am controlled by the need for their attention. Even though I thought I had power over them. It was about making sure I was the most detached, the most spontaneous, hard to reach dame out there. I made sure that no one touched my heart…..even though inside I longed and wondered what it would be like to feel again. To actually be living. I loved having cute, sensual pictures of me to give them because they craved them and it was enough to get their minds going. I tell you this Jessica not to brag. I tell you this because I fear this is something not talked about and if you say you have a similar past to mine and are on the same journey as me, then I plead with you to listen to me and take this very very very seriously. I decided I better pay attention when God began to reveal these things to me. God isn't to be taken lightly…I've learned that the hard way---
I decided to look up what fantasy means: Unrestrained, an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need, a supposition based on no solid foundation.
And synonyms for fantasy: self-deception, snare, monster.
That last one was me Jessica. I became a monster. I wanted men to see me. To like me. To be captivated by me. To be enthralled. Did this happen? You bet. Sex can do that. What did this do to me? It convinced me that I had really nothing else to offer but what I was giving and portraying. I believe you are serious about Christ. If you are wanting to be truly filled in Him, then it will mean you laying everything down at His feet and being honest with yourself and with Him. You see, the thing about God is that He see's where we are really at. I would try and pretend I didn't want those things anymore, but I wouldn't give up ALL of it. ALL of it meant me not longing and desiring men around me non-stop like they had been for over a decade.
Jessica I pray for you every day. I know you are Royalty. Now that you have come to the knowledge of Christ, you are HIS. His beloved bride worth far more than you can imagine. I want you to know that I can not move because I am utterly dependant on Him to continue and finish this work that He started in me. I have many things to overcome and I am, through Christ. I don't want to be broken and attach God's name to it. You see, that's why I turned from God in the first place. I thought why do I need Him if people are still really messed up and just as bad as non-Christians….so now I fight. I fight hard. This is a battle and it's not for quitters. I refuse to give up. I refuse to let the old J-Swan convince me that partying, attention seeking, drinking, promiscuity (even in the most minor forms) are what I want. I very much try to pray without ceasing like the Bible commands. I don't pray to think about myself, I pray to get me off myself! God help me!
I am desperately captivated by God. Hence forth I am His. I have no right to use my body as a thing to attract and seduce. I do not fear. For the Word says if God is before me, who can be against me. I do not dare look at my life and be disgruntled. For I have tasted and experienced the most divine love. He took me from the midst of it all and said, "She is mine. This one is mine." I would like to share my love story found in Hosea.
Hosea 2:6 "Therefore, behold I will hedge up your way with thorns and wall her in
So that she can not find her paths. She will chase her lovers, but not overtake them. Yes, she will seek them, but not find them. Then she will say "I will go and return to my first husband (Christ) for it was better for me then.
Vs.14 "The Lord says, Therefore, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness and speak comfort to her. I will give her vineyards and the Valley of Achor as a door of Hope. She shall sing there as in the days of her youth…And it shall be in that day she no longer calls me Master, but calls me Husband."
I love these because I can't think of better verses to describe how I was. I chased after all sorts of lovers (doesn't have to be men only), but I never could catch them….we can never find love in anything other than seeking Him with our whole hearts. I want to be a holy, living sacrifice for Him. I've spent years running, I beg God to use the rest of my life as an offering to Him! I love you!
God Bless you!
J-Swan
Monday, January 7, 2008
Jenn's Inspiration
I know, dear reader, that you do not know the context behind this email message, but take from it what YOU need because we all need a little inspiration and someone who believes in us.
-------------------------
Oh my sweet friend!
Remember, this is just a temporary reclusion you are doing. God has given you such vibrance and love, and he did not intend you to shut yourself off from the world indefinately. So when you feel isolated without your texting and your friends down here just remember that you are there to do a job. YOU are far more important than anyone else right now. If you don't take care of yourself- your heart, mind and soul, no one else will. When you feel strong and confident with yourself and the Lord you will be able to come home and be the spotted bark!
Even Mother Theresa struggled with her relationship with God. Remember, He created us imperfect. He created us and He created us so that we were going to fall down and fail and struggle to be what He wants us to be. He does not shake his head in disappointment at us, instead he rejoices when we pick up, dust off and try again. It's the struggle that he's watching. He's watching how we fight against our own personal demons. He's watching our hearts and how we succumb and drift into those struggles and how we fight and claw and scratch our ways against the desires of our flesh. It's the INTENTIONS of our hearts that he watches and values.
He gave us our gifts to use. I do think that maybe one of the reasons you, Missy and me all get along so well is because we have similar gifts. And MAYBE when we have all grown appropriately in our spirituality we are all together supposed to do something with it. I don't know a lot about your upbringing (you have a pastor for a dad and you're from BFE). But you know Missy's upbringing and her resiliance to all her struggles. Me, we'll say, I've had my share and I will discuss those with you in person when it comes up.
To paraphrase: grew up super poor, chaotic family, pregnant at 19, tumultuous marriage, divorced, graduated with my BA and then I took a year to live. Met Adam. Fell in love. He hit on other women, manipulated and belittled, was just shady in general. It BROKE MY HEART to leave him. None of the other events in my life stand up to the pain and bleeding I have done by leaving Adam. Nothing. There was never a time in my life where I wanted to sink and dissolve into the world and into my pain the way I hurt losing him (if you have read any of my myspace blogs you'd know some of that struggle). Oh how I loved that man more than I had ever loved another human being (aside from Aidan). ---funny how after you are truly and utterly over it, you can empathetically remember the bleeding feeling and yet NOT feel it any longer. I'm so GRATEFUL to be done, healed and whole from all of that!
But what hurt more was that although I knew he loved me, he didn't respect me. And what is love without respect? Empty.
So I was giving a full love and receiving an empty one in return.
And so this year I have searched and I have sought for the meaning of it all.
And I still don't know.
But you know what? If you were to do a biography of my life and you were to interview the people I have known, they will all tell you of this vibrance I have. They will tell you that I am PERPETUALLY HAPPY! They will sing my praises of strength, resiliance, humor, funness, intellect, positivity, etc.
I have gone from helpless, sad, ragamuffin to business school grad, banker, and pschyology grad student. I have a little boy who loves going to church and we have a stable home. I am loved and respected by my peers. I am looked up to by friends.
Is any of this actually mine? Is it really my accomplishment? NO!
I wasn't trying. I don't try to be happy and silly or insightful. It's not purposeful. I don't know how or where it comes from, the single mom going to school and working while maintaining friendships and a positive attitude and vision for her future. I just know that I would be broken if I stopped right now. I would be heart broken if I didn't keep on keepin' on. I just feel that in my core being I was made for more and it's SO EXCITING! It drives me and carries me and moves me forward!
I know that this last year I have focused on dating, accomodating friends, and my own search for my soul. I feel like I have satisfied those. Mostly. So this year I will buckle down and focus on doing God's work through psychology. It feels so good and satisfying to know that.
You and I, my friend,
We have this vibrance.
That is our gift from God. Vibrance that pulses and radiates from us so that people WANT to be around us. People love being around us and that is why we have a lot of friends and things to do and places to go, people to see! That vibrance is intoxicating to the empty because it fills them. They find meaning in our meaning. They feel full because our lights shine so dang bright.
Well, guess what.
Why do you think that you need to turn off your texting Jenn? Why do you think you have a reason to isolate yourself in the hills to find an empty place?
You are full of the love and light of God!
You are the salt and the light!
And that is what these men who chase you want from you. This is why you feel the need to run to the hills!
They want more from you than you want to give. They want it because they know you have it. It's not your sex they want, they just don't know it. They are conufising their desire. They feel the call to you, they feel it in their bodies and so they are confusing it because in today's world the sexual desire is so all emcompassing that it is the default explanation. They are empty, they want to be filled and know that you can do it. They KNOW it. Because you can.
I know this also because of this last year of dating and soul searching. This is also true for ME.
But you have to be strong. You have to put them in their place. If they become attracted to you sexually you have to put your foot down and tell them how much you like and respect them. You tell them how you value them intrinsically. You sing their praises of beauty, humor, etc. You tell them all the things you like/love about them. And you tell them that it is not going to go anywhere relationally because that is not what you are about. Don't specify "right now." Don't say, right now, I'm not getting into relationships. That leaves the door open.
Then you know, when you least expect it, someone who is truly down for the count. Someone who values YOU intrinsically will honor that. A man will come along and yes, he may be human and misinterpret his longing as sexual, but you will put him in his place and he will be down for the count. He will stick around just to bask in your joy and he will DESIRE to fill you with his. He will not want to just take from you, but he will want reciprocity in its purest form. He will respect your choice of abstinence and he will think you are awesome because of it!
You are doing a great job Jenn. You have made a sacrifise because you knew it was the right thing for YOU.
And sometimes putting ourselves first is the hardest choice to make.
Take it from someone who knows!
I love you, and my door (or email) is always open to you.
jessie
-------------------------
Oh my sweet friend!
Remember, this is just a temporary reclusion you are doing. God has given you such vibrance and love, and he did not intend you to shut yourself off from the world indefinately. So when you feel isolated without your texting and your friends down here just remember that you are there to do a job. YOU are far more important than anyone else right now. If you don't take care of yourself- your heart, mind and soul, no one else will. When you feel strong and confident with yourself and the Lord you will be able to come home and be the spotted bark!
Even Mother Theresa struggled with her relationship with God. Remember, He created us imperfect. He created us and He created us so that we were going to fall down and fail and struggle to be what He wants us to be. He does not shake his head in disappointment at us, instead he rejoices when we pick up, dust off and try again. It's the struggle that he's watching. He's watching how we fight against our own personal demons. He's watching our hearts and how we succumb and drift into those struggles and how we fight and claw and scratch our ways against the desires of our flesh. It's the INTENTIONS of our hearts that he watches and values.
He gave us our gifts to use. I do think that maybe one of the reasons you, Missy and me all get along so well is because we have similar gifts. And MAYBE when we have all grown appropriately in our spirituality we are all together supposed to do something with it. I don't know a lot about your upbringing (you have a pastor for a dad and you're from BFE). But you know Missy's upbringing and her resiliance to all her struggles. Me, we'll say, I've had my share and I will discuss those with you in person when it comes up.
To paraphrase: grew up super poor, chaotic family, pregnant at 19, tumultuous marriage, divorced, graduated with my BA and then I took a year to live. Met Adam. Fell in love. He hit on other women, manipulated and belittled, was just shady in general. It BROKE MY HEART to leave him. None of the other events in my life stand up to the pain and bleeding I have done by leaving Adam. Nothing. There was never a time in my life where I wanted to sink and dissolve into the world and into my pain the way I hurt losing him (if you have read any of my myspace blogs you'd know some of that struggle). Oh how I loved that man more than I had ever loved another human being (aside from Aidan). ---funny how after you are truly and utterly over it, you can empathetically remember the bleeding feeling and yet NOT feel it any longer. I'm so GRATEFUL to be done, healed and whole from all of that!
But what hurt more was that although I knew he loved me, he didn't respect me. And what is love without respect? Empty.
So I was giving a full love and receiving an empty one in return.
And so this year I have searched and I have sought for the meaning of it all.
And I still don't know.
But you know what? If you were to do a biography of my life and you were to interview the people I have known, they will all tell you of this vibrance I have. They will tell you that I am PERPETUALLY HAPPY! They will sing my praises of strength, resiliance, humor, funness, intellect, positivity, etc.
I have gone from helpless, sad, ragamuffin to business school grad, banker, and pschyology grad student. I have a little boy who loves going to church and we have a stable home. I am loved and respected by my peers. I am looked up to by friends.
Is any of this actually mine? Is it really my accomplishment? NO!
I wasn't trying. I don't try to be happy and silly or insightful. It's not purposeful. I don't know how or where it comes from, the single mom going to school and working while maintaining friendships and a positive attitude and vision for her future. I just know that I would be broken if I stopped right now. I would be heart broken if I didn't keep on keepin' on. I just feel that in my core being I was made for more and it's SO EXCITING! It drives me and carries me and moves me forward!
I know that this last year I have focused on dating, accomodating friends, and my own search for my soul. I feel like I have satisfied those. Mostly. So this year I will buckle down and focus on doing God's work through psychology. It feels so good and satisfying to know that.
You and I, my friend,
We have this vibrance.
That is our gift from God. Vibrance that pulses and radiates from us so that people WANT to be around us. People love being around us and that is why we have a lot of friends and things to do and places to go, people to see! That vibrance is intoxicating to the empty because it fills them. They find meaning in our meaning. They feel full because our lights shine so dang bright.
Well, guess what.
Why do you think that you need to turn off your texting Jenn? Why do you think you have a reason to isolate yourself in the hills to find an empty place?
You are full of the love and light of God!
You are the salt and the light!
And that is what these men who chase you want from you. This is why you feel the need to run to the hills!
They want more from you than you want to give. They want it because they know you have it. It's not your sex they want, they just don't know it. They are conufising their desire. They feel the call to you, they feel it in their bodies and so they are confusing it because in today's world the sexual desire is so all emcompassing that it is the default explanation. They are empty, they want to be filled and know that you can do it. They KNOW it. Because you can.
I know this also because of this last year of dating and soul searching. This is also true for ME.
But you have to be strong. You have to put them in their place. If they become attracted to you sexually you have to put your foot down and tell them how much you like and respect them. You tell them how you value them intrinsically. You sing their praises of beauty, humor, etc. You tell them all the things you like/love about them. And you tell them that it is not going to go anywhere relationally because that is not what you are about. Don't specify "right now." Don't say, right now, I'm not getting into relationships. That leaves the door open.
Then you know, when you least expect it, someone who is truly down for the count. Someone who values YOU intrinsically will honor that. A man will come along and yes, he may be human and misinterpret his longing as sexual, but you will put him in his place and he will be down for the count. He will stick around just to bask in your joy and he will DESIRE to fill you with his. He will not want to just take from you, but he will want reciprocity in its purest form. He will respect your choice of abstinence and he will think you are awesome because of it!
You are doing a great job Jenn. You have made a sacrifise because you knew it was the right thing for YOU.
And sometimes putting ourselves first is the hardest choice to make.
Take it from someone who knows!
I love you, and my door (or email) is always open to you.
jessie
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