You know, it seems that sometimes, for no reason, someone will try to sabatoge your growth. Be it personal, spiritual, professional, what have you. But that's when you look at them with pity and love. You have to remind yourself that they too are human and suffer their own insecurities.
Keep them to yourself! You want to shout.
Don't provoke me with your own inner turmoil! You scream in your head.
Leave me ALONE!
That is how I feel at times with a certain associate.
It seems as though each time I let down my guard she begins to twist herself deeper in the mire of her own delusions. What it is exactly she is projecting onto me I'm unsure other than the idea that I am not at all what she'd like me to be: weak, dumb, maliable...
While I continue to ignore her repeated attempts to get under my skin she digs her nails in deeper. Funny, I feel a faint tickle, a light breeze on the hairs of my arm, as under the surface she claws and bites and fights her way to get at me. She attempts to insult my relationships past, she belittles that which I hold most dear, and she seeks to bring spiritual fear into my home. But she fails.
I am secure with who I am, what I want, where I am going, and the love in my heart.
And you know what is so weird? I love this person. I do. I love her as though she is my own family. We don't get to choose our family right? They are chosen for us from above for whatever reasons He may have.
And you know, really, I'd LIKE to dislike her. It seems as though I should... doesn't it? I should. I should resent or something.
But I don't.
I actually kind of like her because beneath it all I see a smart, witty woman.
I actually kind of like her because beneath it all I see me.
I see the me I used to be.
I see the me who was insecure with myself even though I would try like heck to convince me otherwise. I see the me who placed my value on my weight (wait, I still do that, bad girl). I see the me who was happy for my friends, but also a little sad for me. I see the me who loves and is FILLED WITH LOVE and worries that the love will somehow fade or leave me. I see the confused and lost me who feels like everything and everyone around her is controlling her present and if she could just force things to go her way, well, then everything would go her way.
I see her. I remember her. I am still her. I struggle against knowing that part of me regularly.
...and yet...
she is no longer me.
And so, I cannot dislike this woman who begrudges me. I cannot look at this woman with malevolence- which is really very unlike me! It's just not in there, it's not in my heart.
I try. I think to myself, "who does she think she is and why is this remotely interesting to her?" but really, I don't care. I just don't. I don't care if she's trying to get to me and I just continue to love her like she is my family. Because she is.
I am not going anywhere and I will likely be in her life indefinitely. She's not going anywhere either. And so, I love her. My love spreading agenda has no agenda here. She can hate me, loathe me, have contempt for me, see me as the antithesis of everything she values, but I will continue to love and be respectful to her.
It does not make me weak. It does not make me helpless.
It makes me whole and full and happy.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Walking In His Love
Jenn really got me thinking today (doncha love the stimulating kind of friends!). So after our emails I thought I'd pull them all into a blog for y'all! Happy reading:
From: jennifer
Sent: Wednesday, December 05, 2007 1:07 PM
To: Jessica
Subject: RE: Deposit Received
that's awesome. Soooo awesome. I have to tell you kinda part 2 of the same day when I felt God really reduced me to love. I was praying and spending time just taking it in (singing, ect) in my own crazy way when I was really praying
"Lord, I thought I knew what your voice sounded like! But, here I am back in the hills and hardly able to understand what is left or right...How will I ever know what your plan is for my life now? My moving to _____ and back has just confirmed that I really don't have a clue what my life is about right now." (mind you this also compounded my lack of self worth in that I defined my do as my worth not my WHO)
Then he spoke to my heart and reminded me of what he told me earlier in the day about learning to love myself so I can show others the love of God and bring Him glory...He then went on to add the verse in I John "When I (jennifer or Jessica) walk in love God is present"...Now mind you that wasn't the answer I was looking for but it hit home until further direction is received. You see, I am crying out for more of God in my life and wanting this and that of Him (not that these things aren't ok to want) but I was overlooking a very basic promise. Yes a promise. He said absolutely i can be certain that His presence will be with me (or you) when we walk in love!!!
Thats you girl! You are a saint of God! to your co-workers, to your friends, and yeah even to the people that annoy us. If we want more of God, all we have to do is walk in love! pretty cool huh?
This may be something that is very obvious to you, but for this gal in the hills it felt like fresh fire!
Happy wed! I have this silly grin on my face cuz it's awesome talking about God!
From: Jessica
Sent: Wednesday, December 05, 2007 1:23 PM
To: 'jennifer
Subject: RE: Deposit Received
We just have to walk into his love.
Could it also be that his love is already what we're walking in? Could we be walking in his love because this earth and all that are in it are fruits of his love and he is even currently loving the sinners of the most sinfulest of natures? Could it be that his love is already encompassing us and we are already walking in it, but that maybe we have shielded ourselves to it? Could it just be that we are already walking in his love and if we just shake off those walls and borders that we put around ourselves and let that love permeate into us, we'll be walking with an awareness of his love?
Maybe it's not that we need to walk into his love, maybe it's that we need to be aware that we're already doing it?
...email 2... i just kept thinking on her email and had to go farther:
When I (jennifer or Jessica) walk in love God is present"
Because perhaps right now we are walking in confusion.
Maybe we're walking in animosity, frustration, control, despair, self-pity…
Maybe walking in love isn't that the love is around us and we're walking into it. Maybe love is the way we are walking. When we are walking in love we are reflecting God. When we are reflections of God He is present.
Like, when Aidan does or says something I do or say I get all proud. Ahhhh, he's so sweet, he's just like me! He has my sense of humor, he values the things I value, my little guy is my little boy version of a mini-me. My heart swells with happiness and pride cuz I know that he's watching me and he wants to be just like me cuz I'm the best person out there!
So, imagine God's swelling heart when we live with a God focus and we try our hardest to overcome the sin we're born with and all the temptations and try to live like Him. Us living like God is much harder than Aidan living like me… So it means all that much more!
...email 3... answering Matt's question the night before, how do we bring others to God?
Because, maybe when we are walking in his love and we are a reflection of that love it draws people to look. If we are a reflection, they are looking at us and seeing themselves in God's love. Maybe when they see us walking in love it is inviting and they can easier see themselves walking in love. Maybe when they are looking for the love of God that is reflected through our walk, they can then see that the "No" is worth it. Maybe when they see the love through us, around us, reflecting from us, it gives them the permission and authority to seek it for themselves. When they decide to seek it for themselves God gives them someone to guide them, and that is how we bring them to God.
Not teaching them what they can't do and telling them why. Walking in God's love and inviting them to do it with us.
From: jennifer
Sent: Wednesday, December 05, 2007 1:07 PM
To: Jessica
Subject: RE: Deposit Received
that's awesome. Soooo awesome. I have to tell you kinda part 2 of the same day when I felt God really reduced me to love. I was praying and spending time just taking it in (singing, ect) in my own crazy way when I was really praying
"Lord, I thought I knew what your voice sounded like! But, here I am back in the hills and hardly able to understand what is left or right...How will I ever know what your plan is for my life now? My moving to _____ and back has just confirmed that I really don't have a clue what my life is about right now." (mind you this also compounded my lack of self worth in that I defined my do as my worth not my WHO)
Then he spoke to my heart and reminded me of what he told me earlier in the day about learning to love myself so I can show others the love of God and bring Him glory...He then went on to add the verse in I John "When I (jennifer or Jessica) walk in love God is present"...Now mind you that wasn't the answer I was looking for but it hit home until further direction is received. You see, I am crying out for more of God in my life and wanting this and that of Him (not that these things aren't ok to want) but I was overlooking a very basic promise. Yes a promise. He said absolutely i can be certain that His presence will be with me (or you) when we walk in love!!!
Thats you girl! You are a saint of God! to your co-workers, to your friends, and yeah even to the people that annoy us. If we want more of God, all we have to do is walk in love! pretty cool huh?
This may be something that is very obvious to you, but for this gal in the hills it felt like fresh fire!
Happy wed! I have this silly grin on my face cuz it's awesome talking about God!
From: Jessica
Sent: Wednesday, December 05, 2007 1:23 PM
To: 'jennifer
Subject: RE: Deposit Received
We just have to walk into his love.
Could it also be that his love is already what we're walking in? Could we be walking in his love because this earth and all that are in it are fruits of his love and he is even currently loving the sinners of the most sinfulest of natures? Could it be that his love is already encompassing us and we are already walking in it, but that maybe we have shielded ourselves to it? Could it just be that we are already walking in his love and if we just shake off those walls and borders that we put around ourselves and let that love permeate into us, we'll be walking with an awareness of his love?
Maybe it's not that we need to walk into his love, maybe it's that we need to be aware that we're already doing it?
...email 2... i just kept thinking on her email and had to go farther:
When I (jennifer or Jessica) walk in love God is present"
Because perhaps right now we are walking in confusion.
Maybe we're walking in animosity, frustration, control, despair, self-pity…
Maybe walking in love isn't that the love is around us and we're walking into it. Maybe love is the way we are walking. When we are walking in love we are reflecting God. When we are reflections of God He is present.
Like, when Aidan does or says something I do or say I get all proud. Ahhhh, he's so sweet, he's just like me! He has my sense of humor, he values the things I value, my little guy is my little boy version of a mini-me. My heart swells with happiness and pride cuz I know that he's watching me and he wants to be just like me cuz I'm the best person out there!
So, imagine God's swelling heart when we live with a God focus and we try our hardest to overcome the sin we're born with and all the temptations and try to live like Him. Us living like God is much harder than Aidan living like me… So it means all that much more!
...email 3... answering Matt's question the night before, how do we bring others to God?
Because, maybe when we are walking in his love and we are a reflection of that love it draws people to look. If we are a reflection, they are looking at us and seeing themselves in God's love. Maybe when they see us walking in love it is inviting and they can easier see themselves walking in love. Maybe when they are looking for the love of God that is reflected through our walk, they can then see that the "No" is worth it. Maybe when they see the love through us, around us, reflecting from us, it gives them the permission and authority to seek it for themselves. When they decide to seek it for themselves God gives them someone to guide them, and that is how we bring them to God.
Not teaching them what they can't do and telling them why. Walking in God's love and inviting them to do it with us.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
A Jessie Kind of Day
So this morning I'm feeling pretty good and spunky. Fresh new hair cut, new dress, and I awoke with energy abounding. So I get ready for work and I'm about half an hour earlier than normal. So I see my neighbor boy outside and decide that Aidan and I don't have enough photos of the two of us that aren't arms length away. So I ask him to take our photo. We all head to the car b'cuz that's where my camera was.
So it's not there. So we all head back to the apartment. I grab my camera. The camera turns on but tells me that the batteries are dead and shuts off. I go back in and get the other rechargeable batteries which are fully charged. I put them in the camera and pose. Nope, batteries aren't working. So we say thanks anyway.
I drop Aidan off at school (he can't find his homework).
I head to Safeway to go to the Starbucks located inside. Today Star has an especially volatile customer coming in to sign loan docs and I thought starting her day with a surprise frappacino would be nice. I wait the 15 minutes in line to give my order. I wait the 5 minutes to get my drink. I walk back to my car with both hands full of coffee and a big huge purse on my shoulder while trying to keep my dress from flying up. Of course it's a windy day, of course my delicates are in danger of viewing, and of course I didn't take that into consideration when I put on this dress.
So walking like a retard in order to keep everything where it should be I make my way back to my car. I put the coffees on the hood and open the door. I place one cup inside. I place my purse inside. I grab the second cup, go to sit down and bang my head on the rim of the car door. While doing so I continue to sit. However, impulsively my hand flies up to my head. It's the hand with the coffee in it and the coffee bangs against that same spot where my head hit, flies out of my hand, lands on my lap upside down and proceeds to pour all over my dress, legs, seat and steering wheel.
Needless to say, I'm at work wearing no nylons and a dress above my knee, and I had to clean myself off in the bathroom so the whole front of my skirt is soaked. But there's still half a frappacino left and by golly I'm guzzling it with a big goofy smile. At least I still have my coffee!
So it's not there. So we all head back to the apartment. I grab my camera. The camera turns on but tells me that the batteries are dead and shuts off. I go back in and get the other rechargeable batteries which are fully charged. I put them in the camera and pose. Nope, batteries aren't working. So we say thanks anyway.
I drop Aidan off at school (he can't find his homework).
I head to Safeway to go to the Starbucks located inside. Today Star has an especially volatile customer coming in to sign loan docs and I thought starting her day with a surprise frappacino would be nice. I wait the 15 minutes in line to give my order. I wait the 5 minutes to get my drink. I walk back to my car with both hands full of coffee and a big huge purse on my shoulder while trying to keep my dress from flying up. Of course it's a windy day, of course my delicates are in danger of viewing, and of course I didn't take that into consideration when I put on this dress.
So walking like a retard in order to keep everything where it should be I make my way back to my car. I put the coffees on the hood and open the door. I place one cup inside. I place my purse inside. I grab the second cup, go to sit down and bang my head on the rim of the car door. While doing so I continue to sit. However, impulsively my hand flies up to my head. It's the hand with the coffee in it and the coffee bangs against that same spot where my head hit, flies out of my hand, lands on my lap upside down and proceeds to pour all over my dress, legs, seat and steering wheel.
Needless to say, I'm at work wearing no nylons and a dress above my knee, and I had to clean myself off in the bathroom so the whole front of my skirt is soaked. But there's still half a frappacino left and by golly I'm guzzling it with a big goofy smile. At least I still have my coffee!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Look Up Farther!
I was thinking and I had to follow up my email to Buddy today (he's my buddy, my buddy, wherever I go, he goes, my buddy and me!)
So here's part deux of my blog titled "Look Up."
__________________________________________________
So remember that hole in your heart I was talking about last week? Remember how I said it's hard to dig out that aching echo of love and how part of that difficulty is the fear of a new, unfamiliar pain moving in? Well, what if a person replaced it?
No, not with another romance! That would just perpetuate the pain: cover it up and seal it in. No, what if you could clean that hurt and fear from your heart and stuff it with joy, happiness and purity? What if instead of leaving your heart open so that whatever may find it's way there can take up residence, what if you found that new tenant? Something that you can love. Something that leaves you full and whole. Something that doesn't distract you from your pain, because your pain has been removed, but something that focuses all your love and soul. What if that's the answer?
We don't have to be empty. We don't have to repair our wounds. We don't have to bleed any longer and suffer until we feel repentance is ours. We don't have to suffer for the love we lost, but instead rejoice that we have a new future and new possibilities! We can fill that hole our lost loves left, and we can fill it with love and joy. It's ours to take.
So take it!
You know what has been filling and stirring my heart. You can try that. Or you can go in deep into your mind and heart and think of the things you love, pursue them. Let them twist and turn and introduce you to new things, new possibilities, new love! Don't mistake: Love is not isolated to romantic love. Love of humanitarian works. Love of children.
Hey, maybe you could be a mentor to a boy without a dad or big brother! My friend Andy does that, I could ask him where to go.
So here's part deux of my blog titled "Look Up."
__________________________________________________
So remember that hole in your heart I was talking about last week? Remember how I said it's hard to dig out that aching echo of love and how part of that difficulty is the fear of a new, unfamiliar pain moving in? Well, what if a person replaced it?
No, not with another romance! That would just perpetuate the pain: cover it up and seal it in. No, what if you could clean that hurt and fear from your heart and stuff it with joy, happiness and purity? What if instead of leaving your heart open so that whatever may find it's way there can take up residence, what if you found that new tenant? Something that you can love. Something that leaves you full and whole. Something that doesn't distract you from your pain, because your pain has been removed, but something that focuses all your love and soul. What if that's the answer?
We don't have to be empty. We don't have to repair our wounds. We don't have to bleed any longer and suffer until we feel repentance is ours. We don't have to suffer for the love we lost, but instead rejoice that we have a new future and new possibilities! We can fill that hole our lost loves left, and we can fill it with love and joy. It's ours to take.
So take it!
You know what has been filling and stirring my heart. You can try that. Or you can go in deep into your mind and heart and think of the things you love, pursue them. Let them twist and turn and introduce you to new things, new possibilities, new love! Don't mistake: Love is not isolated to romantic love. Love of humanitarian works. Love of children.
Hey, maybe you could be a mentor to a boy without a dad or big brother! My friend Andy does that, I could ask him where to go.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Look Up!
Hi there. So sitting in church last night I realized that I have SEVEN friends going through break ups. WOW! So I thought that maybe I should put this up here for the rest of those friends and for any who is suffering and hasn't come to me lately. This is a letter I wrote my buddy who had broken up with his longtime girlfriend about six months ago.
_______________________________________________
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." Helen Keller
Buddy,
You and I both need to remember this quote as we start to spiral into those feelings of missing our "other halves." We were both in relationships which neither of us could see ourselves staying in longterm and happy. Ultimately we knew this or we wouldn't have had the strength of character to do what we did. There wasn't any unforgivable sin- no adultery, murder, etc. There was no specific tangible ultimatum that was so terribly unforgivable (as much as I would like to think it was); but, we still held true to our standards because we know what is right for us. There is an ethical code to ourselves to which we held fast.
It is the war within our hearts. Our heads know we made the right choice. Our heart knows we made the right choice. But there is that little place that they were able to nestle into and whisper these songs of love. It is a warm and safe place buried down deep. It hurts to dig that deep and remove something so nestled. It feels so good to leave it there and taking it out would leave an empty hole. It's two polar opposites, no happy medium, and it screws with you!
It's a familiar pain. You know this pain, you and this pain have a close bond. What if you removed it and a new, unfamiliar pain moved in. What would you do then? And there is some certain thing about this loving pain buried deep. It has a name, and you love its name.
And you mind screams at you to cut it out of you, you know you should, and you wish you could, but you can't. So you figure you will suffer through it. I know that pain and that emptiness well, Billy. Alone in my bed, I am not alone because I have it there to keep me company.
I wonder though, do I keep it there because I fear that if I cut it out then Adam would cut his out and then I would no longer live in his heart? Why do I want him to keep me buried in there? What does it do for me? Does it ensure that we can always be together no matter how lonely each of us gets? Does it massage my ego to know that someone loves me in the depths of their heart? Does it warm my cold toes? Does it hold me in its arms? Does it look into my eyes and wipe my tears? NO!!!!! NO IT DOES NOT! It will not! It cannot! It is not love, but it is an echo of love! It is not there, it is the reverberations of love, reminding me what love felt like and keeping the pain alive and the wound open.
NO! I am in control, this is MY heart and I have taken it back. I am ready to let it heal. I don't want an echo and hollow love! I want to be filled with real love! I want to be held by real arms and kissed by real lips, memories cannot do that. And since I know that I could never fall safely into his arms and know that he is on my side and will stay by my side, then I have to acknowledge that it is self defeating to hold back from healing any longer. I can't waste my time holding his hole open any longer…
I am going to work, hang out with Aidan and my friends, mellow out, not go dancing and drinking so much and just live my life whole and fulfilled. And when I am not looking, I will not realize my whole heart is back where it should be, and then I will be ready to give it to someone worthy.
AND THAT'S WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
________________________________________________
Dear Reader,
Last night, while sitting in church it hit me. You don't need to worry about a new and unfamilar pain settling into your heart. You don't need to worry if you replace that original pain with happy, pure and joyful things! There will be no more room for the old pain, nor will there be room or time for a new one to fill your heart.
I have replaced that pain. I have dug out all that dead and diseased feelings from my heart and replaced it with love. The love of my son. the love of God. The love for my girlfriends. The love of helping and of being a shoulder for my sisterhood- and the one guy in my own little sisterhood (sorry buddy). I am whole and fulfilled in my life and am moving forward. One foot in front of the other, the sun on my face and a song in my heart (awwwe, do you hear the angels-a-singing and the bells-a-ringing?)
_______________________________________________
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." Helen Keller
Buddy,
You and I both need to remember this quote as we start to spiral into those feelings of missing our "other halves." We were both in relationships which neither of us could see ourselves staying in longterm and happy. Ultimately we knew this or we wouldn't have had the strength of character to do what we did. There wasn't any unforgivable sin- no adultery, murder, etc. There was no specific tangible ultimatum that was so terribly unforgivable (as much as I would like to think it was); but, we still held true to our standards because we know what is right for us. There is an ethical code to ourselves to which we held fast.
It is the war within our hearts. Our heads know we made the right choice. Our heart knows we made the right choice. But there is that little place that they were able to nestle into and whisper these songs of love. It is a warm and safe place buried down deep. It hurts to dig that deep and remove something so nestled. It feels so good to leave it there and taking it out would leave an empty hole. It's two polar opposites, no happy medium, and it screws with you!
It's a familiar pain. You know this pain, you and this pain have a close bond. What if you removed it and a new, unfamiliar pain moved in. What would you do then? And there is some certain thing about this loving pain buried deep. It has a name, and you love its name.
And you mind screams at you to cut it out of you, you know you should, and you wish you could, but you can't. So you figure you will suffer through it. I know that pain and that emptiness well, Billy. Alone in my bed, I am not alone because I have it there to keep me company.
I wonder though, do I keep it there because I fear that if I cut it out then Adam would cut his out and then I would no longer live in his heart? Why do I want him to keep me buried in there? What does it do for me? Does it ensure that we can always be together no matter how lonely each of us gets? Does it massage my ego to know that someone loves me in the depths of their heart? Does it warm my cold toes? Does it hold me in its arms? Does it look into my eyes and wipe my tears? NO!!!!! NO IT DOES NOT! It will not! It cannot! It is not love, but it is an echo of love! It is not there, it is the reverberations of love, reminding me what love felt like and keeping the pain alive and the wound open.
NO! I am in control, this is MY heart and I have taken it back. I am ready to let it heal. I don't want an echo and hollow love! I want to be filled with real love! I want to be held by real arms and kissed by real lips, memories cannot do that. And since I know that I could never fall safely into his arms and know that he is on my side and will stay by my side, then I have to acknowledge that it is self defeating to hold back from healing any longer. I can't waste my time holding his hole open any longer…
I am going to work, hang out with Aidan and my friends, mellow out, not go dancing and drinking so much and just live my life whole and fulfilled. And when I am not looking, I will not realize my whole heart is back where it should be, and then I will be ready to give it to someone worthy.
AND THAT'S WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
________________________________________________
Dear Reader,
Last night, while sitting in church it hit me. You don't need to worry about a new and unfamilar pain settling into your heart. You don't need to worry if you replace that original pain with happy, pure and joyful things! There will be no more room for the old pain, nor will there be room or time for a new one to fill your heart.
I have replaced that pain. I have dug out all that dead and diseased feelings from my heart and replaced it with love. The love of my son. the love of God. The love for my girlfriends. The love of helping and of being a shoulder for my sisterhood- and the one guy in my own little sisterhood (sorry buddy). I am whole and fulfilled in my life and am moving forward. One foot in front of the other, the sun on my face and a song in my heart (awwwe, do you hear the angels-a-singing and the bells-a-ringing?)
Sunday, October 21, 2007
The Stirring
But I think EVERYONE needs to come to The Stirring! Or at least to Church.
Since I have been coming to church regularly I now can say that I disagree with people who say that they can worship God from home and never go to church. I feel that having that community is important. I only know a couple people there. I am not popular. I don't hang out outside of church with anyone who I met at church. But going and lending my voice to the sound of worship; hearing how my offkey singing blends and humanizes the rest of the congregation; seeing other people's heads nod or looks of wonderment on there faces; it makes me feel like I am a part of something bigger. It makes me realize that the human race is yearning to be a part of something bigger and although we indeed ARE already a part of that, it is still not enough. We are intended to be interlinking, helping, lifting, and striving to be closer to God through being closer to each other. How do you do that alone in your living room?
How do you get another's perspective when you sit on your couch and interpret the Bible from your own biases? I love church! I love God!
When we sing I can picture myself on a rope, climbing to be closer to God. And I am. I am closer to God. Every Sunday I am closer to God. Every time I sit and hash it out and figure his Word out more, I am closer to Him.
Not only to I strive for my own salvation and that of Aidans, but I also want everyone I know to feel this. I want to shake people and love them and talk about all these amazing things I'm learning and feeling! It's astounding!
That guy, Matt, I introduced you to. He used to work with me. In fact, he was my direct supervisor. He is the reason I started coming to The Stirring. It is Matt and Anna who lead the lifegroup I attend and I'm getting to know them outside the work setting and watching their growth and they are watching mine and it is REMARKABLE! It's so exciting!
I want to be a reflection. I want people to look at me and see God. I want people to look at me and become thirsty for God. I want them to ask me what I have and how they get it. I want to look at them and I want them to see all the good in themselves and I want them to want to grow in that. I want to show them where to drink to satisfy that thirst.
I want God to open my heart and replace it with His. I want him to rain his fire into my heart. I want it to drip from his finger and land on me so that I may burn for him and that firey radience will consume me. I want my touch to burn and to spread and to draw people to my light so that they may draw closer to the Lord!
I feel that since Tuesday I really am a clean slate. I truly feel forgiven for my past. I really do feel loved unconditionally by God. Since my life was spared on Tuesday I feel like I am blessed and like everything is really going to be okay. It really is.
That's how I feel about that.
Since I have been coming to church regularly I now can say that I disagree with people who say that they can worship God from home and never go to church. I feel that having that community is important. I only know a couple people there. I am not popular. I don't hang out outside of church with anyone who I met at church. But going and lending my voice to the sound of worship; hearing how my offkey singing blends and humanizes the rest of the congregation; seeing other people's heads nod or looks of wonderment on there faces; it makes me feel like I am a part of something bigger. It makes me realize that the human race is yearning to be a part of something bigger and although we indeed ARE already a part of that, it is still not enough. We are intended to be interlinking, helping, lifting, and striving to be closer to God through being closer to each other. How do you do that alone in your living room?
How do you get another's perspective when you sit on your couch and interpret the Bible from your own biases? I love church! I love God!
When we sing I can picture myself on a rope, climbing to be closer to God. And I am. I am closer to God. Every Sunday I am closer to God. Every time I sit and hash it out and figure his Word out more, I am closer to Him.
Not only to I strive for my own salvation and that of Aidans, but I also want everyone I know to feel this. I want to shake people and love them and talk about all these amazing things I'm learning and feeling! It's astounding!
That guy, Matt, I introduced you to. He used to work with me. In fact, he was my direct supervisor. He is the reason I started coming to The Stirring. It is Matt and Anna who lead the lifegroup I attend and I'm getting to know them outside the work setting and watching their growth and they are watching mine and it is REMARKABLE! It's so exciting!
I want to be a reflection. I want people to look at me and see God. I want people to look at me and become thirsty for God. I want them to ask me what I have and how they get it. I want to look at them and I want them to see all the good in themselves and I want them to want to grow in that. I want to show them where to drink to satisfy that thirst.
I want God to open my heart and replace it with His. I want him to rain his fire into my heart. I want it to drip from his finger and land on me so that I may burn for him and that firey radience will consume me. I want my touch to burn and to spread and to draw people to my light so that they may draw closer to the Lord!
I feel that since Tuesday I really am a clean slate. I truly feel forgiven for my past. I really do feel loved unconditionally by God. Since my life was spared on Tuesday I feel like I am blessed and like everything is really going to be okay. It really is.
That's how I feel about that.
Strokes On The Canvas
Strokes on the Canvas
(because "Brushes with Death" is just too cliché)
It was a dark and stormy night… ok, so it wasn't stormy, but it was dark. I was in a hurried state of mind and behind the wheel of a vehicle. Maneuvering through unfamiliar roads at about thirty-five miles per hour, I was also playing catch-up on my cell phone. I was doing everything that a twenty-nine year old knows better than to do. Irresponsibility was my middle name.
The funny thing (ha, ha) is that preceding the "accident" I was leaving my Tuesday night lifegroup. I had just gotten into a really good discussion, was frustrated that time had slipped through my fingers and I was reluctant to leave. I was pumped on learning more about God and I was filled with questions and connections!
Excitedly, I was chatting to one of my good girlfriends about life, the future, God… In my mind I was on a completely different street than that which I was actually traveling. You would think the absence of streetlights, homes, or civilization in general would have raised that internal red flag. Nope. Not stopping to breath or giving my friend a chance to get a word in edgewise I flew down that road talking a mile a minute.
"I was going to be late to get Aidan! I spent too long at my group! I gotta get there!" So peddle to metal in my little red jet.
Turns out every runway has an ending and mine ended with a deathtrap. In the pitch of night I came upon the end of the road about forty feet before it ended. The road stops with a fence. Not any ordinary ol' fence. This was intricately designed by Fortresses 'R' Us.
This fence guarded a large dirt mound topped with a fair sized boulder. With careful consideration, the creators of this fence secured it with solid wooden posts. They then threaded it with both standard chain and barbed wire, and the coup-de-gras was the steel rods that were jutting horizontally forward from the base of the fence. It was as though these rods were protecting a castle from armed intruders.
In the light of my high beams this monstrosity grew larger than life. Reactively I threw the phone to the floor, slammed my breaks, and turned that wheel as far right as it would go. Peaceful and secure in the knowledge that I was going to be okay, I was worried about wrecking my car during the skid. When it was over, my car lay stopped atop an embankment. The frame resting on the earth's peak and the wheels dangling.
Panic mixed with serenity. Is that was a true adrenaline rush feels like? Clarity and chaos? Whatever it was, I had it, and I had it bad.
I tried reversing off the embankment, and well, if there's nothing for the tires to grip, there's nowhere for the car to go. To no avail I called Matt and Anna. What was I thinking? They were leading the group, and like good leaders, they had shut off their phones. Next I call Lisa. She grabs her neighbor; her neighbor grabs his buddy and they both grab a tow chain. HALLELUJAH! RESCUED!
They show up and very carefully pull my car off the embankment. They cut all the barbed wire out from the tangled mess that it became in my undercarriage, do a once over to make sure my car is drivable and give me their blessings to drive home. I drive to Diego's place, pick up Aidan, drive home safely and go to bed a bit shaken.
Now, the ironic part is how the heck I didn't die.
Because what I didn't illustrate above are the other scenarios in which my fate could have been sealed. I will need to draw that picture now. You already have in your mind an image of the road's conclusion. Keep it there. Remember how those steel posts could have or should have punctured my car and found their way to my body. Think about how I could have been airborn off that dirt mound. Now, picture that my car actually ended up to the right of the road, up the embankment, and with my front driver's side tire just over the fence line (good thing they didn't care to fortress off the embankment!).
Now that you see in your mind's eye that my car resting next to that catastrophe of a fence, please also visualize a large, sturdy, old growth tree. As my car teetered, this tree was growing about ten feet from the passenger side door. Had I noticed the road's barrier sooner, I could have driven head first into that tree. Now, we all know that trees don't attack unprovoked and that they usually win their battles. Or, let's say for argument's sake that I noticed the road was ending even moments sooner that that, still having no time to safely come to a stop, and still skidding to the right, I would have headed face first down a steep and deep ravine. At best, a tow truck would have had to hawl out my car, at worst… well, let's not think of that.
But no. None of that happened! My car stopped on the softest and safest spot possible. My airbag didn't even deploy (is that good or bad?). Not a scratch on me. My car drove away!
This morning my tire was completely flat. A coworker came and changed it for me (I'm a single girl and no, I've never learned to change a tire). Rescued again! I'm dreading buying a new tire as I have the rest of the year budgeted and a new tire is not included in my holiday spending. I started out my day somber and my mood just plummeted to the verge of despondency… I started fishing through the glove box for my cone shaped party hat, cuz I was blasting that music at my pity party!
So later, I take my car to Northstate Wholesale Tire where I had recently purchased these bad boys, and they are able to patch the tire, put a new tube in it and charge me a grand total of $10. $10! I walked in there with a big sign above my head that said, "Cha Ching!" and instead of placing their bets, they cashed out honorably. Weights lifted off my shoulders while trumpets played in my pocketbook!
Last, and my own personal "straw that broke the camel's back," was the woman who sat in the office with me. She was in a huge hurry as she had a plane to catch in Sacramento. She was very gracious, but very assertive that her time was precious because an airline waits for no person. We both sat in that tiny, grimy office and we made small talk. She told me about her prescription glasses and why they are necessary. She educated me as to the most comfortable and fashionable brand out there. I loved it!
Well, I love listening and I love hearing people's stories. It's enthralling! So as we talked I discovered that she is a professor of psychology out at Shasta College. Now THAT is amazing!!!
I hate to jump subjects: but I feel a little background is necessary here. My undergrad was in business and human resources. I am utilizing that degree in commercial banking as a credit analyst. Back in March I went back to school for my Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology, and right now I'm taking a little break to get my own psyche and life in order so that I can tackle this endeavor with the respect and time necessary to become good at my new profession. But I worry. I worry because I went through all that work to get my degree in business and have discovered that I am completely uninspired and drained from the corporate monotony and droll that makes up each workday. Then I worry that I could make that same mistake again. I ask God for guidance and yet still feel whipped around by worry and fret.
But this was no coincidence. Did this woman really need her tires worked on so close to her traveling deadline? Did it really need to take an hour and a half to change the tube in my tire?
Do you see? Do you get this big, huge, larger-than-me picture???? Do you see it?
How many blogs have I written analyzing my life? How many times have you heard me say I am slowing down? How many times have I failed and lamented? How many times have I prayed for guidance, but how many times did I hold still long enough to listen?
Well, in that chilly dark night, stranded on a virtually uninhabited street, I bowed my head. Ok, I'm listening. What do I need to learn?
I gossip. I resent. I have trouble forgiving. I obsess about my weight. I help people and then sometimes feel begrudging about doing it. I am not as generous as I would like to think I am. I am calling my friend and asking for her generosity and that of her neighbor, while I have done minimal to help one of my girlfriends who is in dire financial straits. How have I lived my life to deserve any of this goodness and salvation from my idiocy behind the wheel? How have I represented my faith, myself, my son?
I asked. He answered. He needed to take me aside and shake me up like a parent who grabs their child when the child is not paying attention. The parent who grabs the child, shakes his shoulders and says, "listen to me or else!" and the child finally stops fidgeting long enough to listen. OK! I'm listening!
In that car I realized that while I can't help my friend financially, I have a keen business mind and as a child I grew up on Le Brun Lane. I broke the statistics. I was raised around welfare, drugies, alcoholics, I attended AA, Alanon and ACA with my mom because she couldn't afford a babysitter. I ate free lunches. We didn't have a car more often than we did. I rode public transportation. I graduated with a cumulative GPA of 4.1 from Simpson University (College). My car is paid off, I have a cute apartment, I'm climbing the ladder in business banking, and have a year left of my Master's degree. If there is anyone in this world who can teach my friend how to strap on your soldier girl boots and pull yourself out of the mire, it's me! And what do I do? I clean my apartment. Who cares if the apartment is clean while my FRIEND is suffering? Who am I?
THAT is what I was thinking as I was asking God what lesson I am to learn. I have a unique outlook on this life that very few have. I have empathy for heartbroken women, impoverished, middle class, retail workers, fast food employees, rat racers, students, single moms, alcoholics, children of alcoholics, negative self-talk, and yet… have you ever seen me without a smile? Have you ever been greeted by me without my standard, "what's up buttercup?" Have you ever wondered if it was fake, or do you feel it in your heart-of-hearts that I am filled with hope, wonder and genuine happiness?
Where is it? Where does it come from? Is THAT eschad?
Where does my strength come from? It comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth!
As I worry and doubt my path in this life He pulls me aside. While I'm listening and vulnerable He puts that woman at the tire store. When I was at my wits end, scared, alone, and dizzy with options and doubt, he reinforced me by putting the one person who could symbolize and reaffirm my path is the right one. Heck, He even saved my budget with the kindness of Don at Northstate Wholesale Tire, by giving me that tube at cost.
I am alive! My son still has his mommy! My car still runs! My tire is fixed! I know my career path and am resolute in finishing timely and with renewed vigor!
Life is good! God is good!
Let me remember this always.
When I start taking life for granted let the hologram of the treacherous fence dance in front of my eyes to remind me of my good fortune.
Let me not forget how deep God's grace runs in my life.
Let me remember that He smiled on me as He erased from my memory the accident of 07/00 that left me hospitalized for six days and with this hardware in my leg (other guy's fault that time!),
and let me preserve this memory of his saving grace last night.
The end.
(because "Brushes with Death" is just too cliché)
It was a dark and stormy night… ok, so it wasn't stormy, but it was dark. I was in a hurried state of mind and behind the wheel of a vehicle. Maneuvering through unfamiliar roads at about thirty-five miles per hour, I was also playing catch-up on my cell phone. I was doing everything that a twenty-nine year old knows better than to do. Irresponsibility was my middle name.
The funny thing (ha, ha) is that preceding the "accident" I was leaving my Tuesday night lifegroup. I had just gotten into a really good discussion, was frustrated that time had slipped through my fingers and I was reluctant to leave. I was pumped on learning more about God and I was filled with questions and connections!
Excitedly, I was chatting to one of my good girlfriends about life, the future, God… In my mind I was on a completely different street than that which I was actually traveling. You would think the absence of streetlights, homes, or civilization in general would have raised that internal red flag. Nope. Not stopping to breath or giving my friend a chance to get a word in edgewise I flew down that road talking a mile a minute.
"I was going to be late to get Aidan! I spent too long at my group! I gotta get there!" So peddle to metal in my little red jet.
Turns out every runway has an ending and mine ended with a deathtrap. In the pitch of night I came upon the end of the road about forty feet before it ended. The road stops with a fence. Not any ordinary ol' fence. This was intricately designed by Fortresses 'R' Us.
This fence guarded a large dirt mound topped with a fair sized boulder. With careful consideration, the creators of this fence secured it with solid wooden posts. They then threaded it with both standard chain and barbed wire, and the coup-de-gras was the steel rods that were jutting horizontally forward from the base of the fence. It was as though these rods were protecting a castle from armed intruders.
In the light of my high beams this monstrosity grew larger than life. Reactively I threw the phone to the floor, slammed my breaks, and turned that wheel as far right as it would go. Peaceful and secure in the knowledge that I was going to be okay, I was worried about wrecking my car during the skid. When it was over, my car lay stopped atop an embankment. The frame resting on the earth's peak and the wheels dangling.
Panic mixed with serenity. Is that was a true adrenaline rush feels like? Clarity and chaos? Whatever it was, I had it, and I had it bad.
I tried reversing off the embankment, and well, if there's nothing for the tires to grip, there's nowhere for the car to go. To no avail I called Matt and Anna. What was I thinking? They were leading the group, and like good leaders, they had shut off their phones. Next I call Lisa. She grabs her neighbor; her neighbor grabs his buddy and they both grab a tow chain. HALLELUJAH! RESCUED!
They show up and very carefully pull my car off the embankment. They cut all the barbed wire out from the tangled mess that it became in my undercarriage, do a once over to make sure my car is drivable and give me their blessings to drive home. I drive to Diego's place, pick up Aidan, drive home safely and go to bed a bit shaken.
Now, the ironic part is how the heck I didn't die.
Because what I didn't illustrate above are the other scenarios in which my fate could have been sealed. I will need to draw that picture now. You already have in your mind an image of the road's conclusion. Keep it there. Remember how those steel posts could have or should have punctured my car and found their way to my body. Think about how I could have been airborn off that dirt mound. Now, picture that my car actually ended up to the right of the road, up the embankment, and with my front driver's side tire just over the fence line (good thing they didn't care to fortress off the embankment!).
Now that you see in your mind's eye that my car resting next to that catastrophe of a fence, please also visualize a large, sturdy, old growth tree. As my car teetered, this tree was growing about ten feet from the passenger side door. Had I noticed the road's barrier sooner, I could have driven head first into that tree. Now, we all know that trees don't attack unprovoked and that they usually win their battles. Or, let's say for argument's sake that I noticed the road was ending even moments sooner that that, still having no time to safely come to a stop, and still skidding to the right, I would have headed face first down a steep and deep ravine. At best, a tow truck would have had to hawl out my car, at worst… well, let's not think of that.
But no. None of that happened! My car stopped on the softest and safest spot possible. My airbag didn't even deploy (is that good or bad?). Not a scratch on me. My car drove away!
This morning my tire was completely flat. A coworker came and changed it for me (I'm a single girl and no, I've never learned to change a tire). Rescued again! I'm dreading buying a new tire as I have the rest of the year budgeted and a new tire is not included in my holiday spending. I started out my day somber and my mood just plummeted to the verge of despondency… I started fishing through the glove box for my cone shaped party hat, cuz I was blasting that music at my pity party!
So later, I take my car to Northstate Wholesale Tire where I had recently purchased these bad boys, and they are able to patch the tire, put a new tube in it and charge me a grand total of $10. $10! I walked in there with a big sign above my head that said, "Cha Ching!" and instead of placing their bets, they cashed out honorably. Weights lifted off my shoulders while trumpets played in my pocketbook!
Last, and my own personal "straw that broke the camel's back," was the woman who sat in the office with me. She was in a huge hurry as she had a plane to catch in Sacramento. She was very gracious, but very assertive that her time was precious because an airline waits for no person. We both sat in that tiny, grimy office and we made small talk. She told me about her prescription glasses and why they are necessary. She educated me as to the most comfortable and fashionable brand out there. I loved it!
Well, I love listening and I love hearing people's stories. It's enthralling! So as we talked I discovered that she is a professor of psychology out at Shasta College. Now THAT is amazing!!!
I hate to jump subjects: but I feel a little background is necessary here. My undergrad was in business and human resources. I am utilizing that degree in commercial banking as a credit analyst. Back in March I went back to school for my Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology, and right now I'm taking a little break to get my own psyche and life in order so that I can tackle this endeavor with the respect and time necessary to become good at my new profession. But I worry. I worry because I went through all that work to get my degree in business and have discovered that I am completely uninspired and drained from the corporate monotony and droll that makes up each workday. Then I worry that I could make that same mistake again. I ask God for guidance and yet still feel whipped around by worry and fret.
But this was no coincidence. Did this woman really need her tires worked on so close to her traveling deadline? Did it really need to take an hour and a half to change the tube in my tire?
Do you see? Do you get this big, huge, larger-than-me picture???? Do you see it?
How many blogs have I written analyzing my life? How many times have you heard me say I am slowing down? How many times have I failed and lamented? How many times have I prayed for guidance, but how many times did I hold still long enough to listen?
Well, in that chilly dark night, stranded on a virtually uninhabited street, I bowed my head. Ok, I'm listening. What do I need to learn?
I gossip. I resent. I have trouble forgiving. I obsess about my weight. I help people and then sometimes feel begrudging about doing it. I am not as generous as I would like to think I am. I am calling my friend and asking for her generosity and that of her neighbor, while I have done minimal to help one of my girlfriends who is in dire financial straits. How have I lived my life to deserve any of this goodness and salvation from my idiocy behind the wheel? How have I represented my faith, myself, my son?
I asked. He answered. He needed to take me aside and shake me up like a parent who grabs their child when the child is not paying attention. The parent who grabs the child, shakes his shoulders and says, "listen to me or else!" and the child finally stops fidgeting long enough to listen. OK! I'm listening!
In that car I realized that while I can't help my friend financially, I have a keen business mind and as a child I grew up on Le Brun Lane. I broke the statistics. I was raised around welfare, drugies, alcoholics, I attended AA, Alanon and ACA with my mom because she couldn't afford a babysitter. I ate free lunches. We didn't have a car more often than we did. I rode public transportation. I graduated with a cumulative GPA of 4.1 from Simpson University (College). My car is paid off, I have a cute apartment, I'm climbing the ladder in business banking, and have a year left of my Master's degree. If there is anyone in this world who can teach my friend how to strap on your soldier girl boots and pull yourself out of the mire, it's me! And what do I do? I clean my apartment. Who cares if the apartment is clean while my FRIEND is suffering? Who am I?
THAT is what I was thinking as I was asking God what lesson I am to learn. I have a unique outlook on this life that very few have. I have empathy for heartbroken women, impoverished, middle class, retail workers, fast food employees, rat racers, students, single moms, alcoholics, children of alcoholics, negative self-talk, and yet… have you ever seen me without a smile? Have you ever been greeted by me without my standard, "what's up buttercup?" Have you ever wondered if it was fake, or do you feel it in your heart-of-hearts that I am filled with hope, wonder and genuine happiness?
Where is it? Where does it come from? Is THAT eschad?
Where does my strength come from? It comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth!
As I worry and doubt my path in this life He pulls me aside. While I'm listening and vulnerable He puts that woman at the tire store. When I was at my wits end, scared, alone, and dizzy with options and doubt, he reinforced me by putting the one person who could symbolize and reaffirm my path is the right one. Heck, He even saved my budget with the kindness of Don at Northstate Wholesale Tire, by giving me that tube at cost.
I am alive! My son still has his mommy! My car still runs! My tire is fixed! I know my career path and am resolute in finishing timely and with renewed vigor!
Life is good! God is good!
Let me remember this always.
When I start taking life for granted let the hologram of the treacherous fence dance in front of my eyes to remind me of my good fortune.
Let me not forget how deep God's grace runs in my life.
Let me remember that He smiled on me as He erased from my memory the accident of 07/00 that left me hospitalized for six days and with this hardware in my leg (other guy's fault that time!),
and let me preserve this memory of his saving grace last night.
The end.
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