I am Jessie

...i post this again...

...to serve as a reminder to myself...


Something inside me is burning. It's welling up and it's forcing its way out. Out of my heart, out of my mind, out of my soul; it consumes me. Through my fingers and from my tongue it spills. It is toxic. It is killing me. It is killing the self-defeating me. It is inspiring me. It is working itself around in my veins. It is lovingly purging the ghetto of my mind, it is repainting and repairing. There is no where to run; no where to hide. But in all its glory it pulls me from the shadows and allows me to bask in its truth. In all its love it burns me from the inside-out. It seeps from my skin, smelling sweetly. It is not me... and yet... it is the essence of who I am. And I am Jessie.

Ode to My Friends

I've always loved God and was a Christian. But I never felt this passion or fire for my faith as I have this past year. I never would have talked about it openly, and now I feel that when you just look at me it's written all over my face and it pours from my lips. I feel like honey is the trail I leave behind when I walk because I am so blessed.

I feel like the Exodus. I feel like I have journied far and wide, and I feel like I have sand in my toes. I feel like I have been accompanied by wise friends, lost souls, merrymakers and dissenters. I feel like I am finally confident and free and able and willing to tell someone no, and I am finally vulnerable and loving and understanding to tell someone yes. I feel like in this last two years I have learned the true meaning of unconditional love.

There's a fire and I'm burning.

In three months I'll be set free. I'll burn my village and build a new one. I'll climb to the mountain top and ignite my love into all the stars, because I don't know where else to put it. I will slowly control it, and learn to love through the melody which is my love. I will learn to harmonize my fire and my flame.

No rain can cause this to smolder and die; no onslaught, no barrage, no tumult is too great! When I fear that His "love spreading agenda" is too powerful for me, and I am too small; my flame is fanned by my friends and their love.

Out of the woodwork they come, one at a time... filling me with their encouraging words and faith.

When I feel lonely or disheartened or overwhelmed, they stand up and shine a light on my path so I don't lose my way. When I fear my road is too arduous, they take my hand and walk with me so that I don't look too deeply in the woods, losing myself or my goal. When I feel like this task is too monumental or I am unqualified to be who God has designed me to be (us all to be), He has His gentle way of reaching into my heart and showing me my posture. He has His way of filling my heart with His love. He fans my flame.

And I am so blessed.

And I am so loved.

I am unworthy.

I am humble.

I love God.

I burn.

Beautiful Struggle

That is true, no one is perfect. The beauty is in our struggle. Our struggle to do what is right and to be true to ourselves and our higher power. To be true to our intuition and to our gut. Our struggle to fall and then to face the music. Our struggle to repent and to stay that way the best we can... and if needed, repent again...

The beauty is that we are imperfect, and that we don't have to be perfect to be good and loved and loveable.

The beauty is that we try.

The beauty is that we keep going.

The beauty is that we are beautiful

and we are beautiful because we struggle so beautifully...

... and it is only by grace...

and

...I need all the grace I can get because my beautiful struggle is sometimes so ugly.

An Abundance of Blessings!

So two months ago, I was so stressed with school, work, little league, etc. that I was on the verge of a breakdown. It had all just accumulated to a point where I just couldn't do it. I physically could not understand the words on the page. I was a zombie. I think it was the most difficult time in my life so far...

And then I got to have a month off school to start practicum. And now I've had these two easy classes. And remember, I said the next four classes are going to be really hard (equivalent to the last ones that had me in pieces). I just got that email saying it's going to be on independent study and I'll only meet three times for the whole month and that will end at 7pm.

HOLY JESUS!

He just keeps blessing me and blessing me and blessing me!!!

Aidan will still be at his dad's til 10pm. So I'll have that time to do homework, clean, work out, find a practicum site, whatever. Then I'll only have three classes left of the hard stuff. After all these months of recovery, I'll TOTALLY be able to do those three classes just fine!!!


I have just recently learned out to give it to God and then forget about it. Is that 'true faith'? So then I've just come to a place where I've really learned to be truly faithful? I don't know, but He is sure showing me what that means and how awesome he is when I do it! I have totally just given my schooling up to Him because I know this is His plan for me. I have to stop 'leaning on my own understanding' (the topic tonight at church), and LOOK! LOOK!!!!!!! NO CLASS NEXT MONTH- mostly... YEAY!!!!

Jenn House told me a while back that when she thinks of me, she thinks of a little girl in a party dress with her heart in her hand and no matter what comes along I just don't give up or give in. I keep standing there unphased in my party dress with my heart. She said that she aspires to have that sort of innocense and determination (I wonder if it's more of a naivite), and that it's just that which God favors and blesses. I don't really know... but I sure feel blessed right now!

It's like, my heart is happy!

And a person doesn't really have control over the happiness of his heart. You can talk yourself out of feeling bad, and you can feel better. But you cannot force a happy heart!

and it's like, I know that He is blessing me, and I know that it's not ME, and I want to pay it forward or pay it back or share the love, and I just don't know how. So then it feels all bottled up and waiting to explode, but it's a joyous explosion! Confetti of the heart! Spiritual radiation- hiroshima of happy! And how odd and awkward to have that inside me, and not know what to do with it.

Do I skip?

Do I leap?

Do I sing terribly offkey, and yet beautifully to His ear while I spin in circles with my arms outstreched?

Do I jumprope til I fall?

Do I find a trampoline?

Do I run and run and run and run?

What do you do with it?

Do I sit in thankful prayer? Do I sing His praises to my friends and contemporaries?

Do I accept His blessings with thanks and keep Him in my mind, heart and works as I go throughout my day representing Him?

Wooo hoooo!

Reimbursed

Another story of how cool God has been to me:

I bought groceries for this guy.

I was really torn if I should buy them. I changed from salary to hourly and the bank's crazy math meant that my next check would be missing FOUR DAYS of pay on it. Helllooooo, I'm a single mom in grad school, I can't afford to lose four days of pay!!! My friend Lesa had been in town and I really, really wanted her to read The Prayer of Jabez because I thought it would be really applicable for her life right now. I couldn't find my copy so I ran to Barnes to get her a copy. I didn't even think about my budget, I just wanted her to have it. It's like $10, it'll be fine.



Then I get there and this guy is standing in the parking lot, sleeping while standing. Like, he was on that movie Rat Race and he fell asleep while walking. I smiled a big smile as I drove by (hey, it always cheers up my day to get an authentic smile from someone, those don't come around very often) and thought to myself, I just made him happy. I know, I'm silly. And then I park and get out of my car and he was already there! Developmentally disabled Sonic the Hedgehog? In his stutter he started telling me that he could tell I was a Christian and he's a Christian and would I buy him a sandwich.



While he's talking I was wondering, "how do you tell one of God's broken from someone who is just trying to get something from you? How do you tell if they are broken because they are one of God's needy, and they're broken because they are bad?" And as he was talking I just decided that I'd get him a sandwich, it'll be fine. Then he wanted to go to Hometown. I said no, I'd get him a sandwich at Barnes. Then he asked that instead of buying an expensive sandwich that wont fill him up if I'd get him some groceries.



I was like, "what!"



I said I would get him the sandwich. He proceeded to tell me how he can eat several meals for the same price if I got him sandwich fixings at Food Maxx.



I told him, "Fine, you walk over there and after I buy this book I'll meet you there." It's just not safe to let people in your car, it's not too far for him to walk. After I got the book I went over. He wrote me a list. what! a list?!



So it just had bologna, hamburger buns, gingerale and little debbie snack cakes.



Instead, I got him grapes, peaches, bananas, wheat bread, meat, cheese, chips and ginger ale.



Anyway, as I was taking his list and grabbing a cart I thought the words, "I'm losing four days of pay, I don't know if I can buy groceries for my home, much less for someone else!" and then, "Whatever, it's the right thing to do and God will take care of it." I didn't consider it again til I got to the checkout and then I thought those same things again.



When I handed it to him he thanked me and told me that he doesn't eat fruit. I told him that fruit is our gift from God and if there's anything in the bag from Him then it's the fruit. He thanked me again, looked up and thanked God, and then said, "God, bless the woman who has done this for me!"



So then the next day my cavity abscessed and I had a puffy face. The day after was payday and I looked like the Elephant Man ("I am not an animal! I am a man!"). I checked my account online and it said that it was about $17 more than normal. NOT short four days, and overpaid by $17. I called HR and told them of their error (I don't need them taking it out later in the pay period!) and they offered to spread the deficit over four paychecks. That wasn't an option before, they were taking it all out at once. If the money hadn't been in there I would have been short.



AND THEN, on Thursday the dentist was able to get me in for the root canal and it was $46 LESS than what they had quoted me. The groceries I bought that man cost me $46.



I went out to spend money I didn't have on a book to encourage Lesa spiritually, ended up spending another $46 on that man and now I was reimbursed through that discount and the paycheck issue is being spread out!!!



ISN'T THAT TOTALLY AWESOME!!!

That man looked to the sky and asked God to bless the woman who did this for him, AND HE DID!

Potential or Porcelain?

Potential or porcelain?



Can I be a promise? Can I be an evolution all my own? Can my potential solidify into reality, creating greater potential? An everlasting quest, a never-ending well of potential?



Can I be pottery? Can I be strong and solid? Can I hold what you thirst for? Can I be molded through fire and flame? Can I be a chalice, vulnerable to the clumsy hands of the jester, while cherished to the guardian's lips?



Would you hide me away from the jokers, locked in a cabinet where only you can see my beauty and know my worth? Would you display me behind glass where others can look and revel, but not hold and know? Would you love me as your own creation and carry me as your favored? Would you drink from me and then fill me back up?



Do I sing the songs of love, but not dance in my own moonlight?



Do I fill and overflow?



Look at me, am I not drenched? Is my oil not ignited and burning so that I myself do not fear the fire?



It is the chill… the cold… the ice… the glacier blue… the dripping from the icicles that terrify me. The frosty discontent of unfulfilled expectations dropped into the porcelain chalice that that makes me so brittle. The cold, cold breath in the air; nipping at the warm fingers and heart, tingling and fighting to stay warm.



Oh! What relentless tragedy that begets! Upon itself it builds as the ice and snow pile, snuffing out the flame within. Oh what relentless fire in my heart! What burning, smoldering, seething fire rains through my love! What hope have I if I allow myself to inhale the potential of winter, when my breath is of faithful fire?

Heart in a Cage

(an ode to my lovelorn friends)

I do believe that you can love someone so much that you can physically ache for them when that love line is severed. When you give yourself, your heart, your love, and you really and truly give it- then it is no longer yours. If you've given it and "it's over" then you have to re-grow your love and your heart. You can feel vulnerable and exposed. Empty and fear the worst will fill that void. Succumb to that fear, let it fill that space that once housed your heart. Cripple yourself as you dissolve into the mire, as you sink and sulk and allow it to consume you- because really, nothing is as glorious as the love that once called you home. And if you can't have that, then what's the point in fighting off the demons longing to live there in its stead?

The thing is, you can't give away what's not already yours. Your heart. Your love. It's yours and it's always there. It always will be there. What determines the power of its presence is how you choose to cherish it. You may have fully given your love, and now you feel incomplete, but you're not. You must nurture what is still there as the piece you kept was merely on accident. You intended to give it all away...

How will you cherish it? Will you hoard it? Will you apply this pain of heartbreak to this piece of heart you have left? Will you grow to believe your heart is something that causes pain? Will you hide it away and never give the best you have to give?

Or will you grow it? Will you take that little piece you have left? Will You love that piece with the same love that itself contains? Will you grow it and trust it that it can give you that love you so long for... only by giving it away again? You grow your children to give them to the world. You grow your heart to give it to your Love. The both of these, your child and your heart (sometimes synonymous!) you grow to give away, but you first give them to God. And because you've given them to God, because you are faithful and WORTHY, you can trust that they are both safe.

But I don't believe many people love like this nowadays- which is a shame. I think it's because people give up before they give their heart. There is a difference between discernment, testing the waters, waiting until the man/woman has proven themselves worthy of your heart, and just holding onto it indefinitely out of fear or greed.