Look Up Farther!

I was thinking and I had to follow up my email to Buddy today (he's my buddy, my buddy, wherever I go, he goes, my buddy and me!)

So here's part deux of my blog titled "Look Up."
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So remember that hole in your heart I was talking about last week? Remember how I said it's hard to dig out that aching echo of love and how part of that difficulty is the fear of a new, unfamiliar pain moving in? Well, what if a person replaced it?


No, not with another romance! That would just perpetuate the pain: cover it up and seal it in. No, what if you could clean that hurt and fear from your heart and stuff it with joy, happiness and purity? What if instead of leaving your heart open so that whatever may find it's way there can take up residence, what if you found that new tenant? Something that you can love. Something that leaves you full and whole. Something that doesn't distract you from your pain, because your pain has been removed, but something that focuses all your love and soul. What if that's the answer?


We don't have to be empty. We don't have to repair our wounds. We don't have to bleed any longer and suffer until we feel repentance is ours. We don't have to suffer for the love we lost, but instead rejoice that we have a new future and new possibilities! We can fill that hole our lost loves left, and we can fill it with love and joy. It's ours to take.


So take it!


You know what has been filling and stirring my heart. You can try that. Or you can go in deep into your mind and heart and think of the things you love, pursue them. Let them twist and turn and introduce you to new things, new possibilities, new love! Don't mistake: Love is not isolated to romantic love. Love of humanitarian works. Love of children.


Hey, maybe you could be a mentor to a boy without a dad or big brother! My friend Andy does that, I could ask him where to go.

Look Up!

Hi there. So sitting in church last night I realized that I have SEVEN friends going through break ups. WOW! So I thought that maybe I should put this up here for the rest of those friends and for any who is suffering and hasn't come to me lately. This is a letter I wrote my buddy who had broken up with his longtime girlfriend about six months ago.

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"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." Helen Keller



Buddy,

You and I both need to remember this quote as we start to spiral into those feelings of missing our "other halves." We were both in relationships which neither of us could see ourselves staying in longterm and happy. Ultimately we knew this or we wouldn't have had the strength of character to do what we did. There wasn't any unforgivable sin- no adultery, murder, etc. There was no specific tangible ultimatum that was so terribly unforgivable (as much as I would like to think it was); but, we still held true to our standards because we know what is right for us. There is an ethical code to ourselves to which we held fast.


It is the war within our hearts. Our heads know we made the right choice. Our heart knows we made the right choice. But there is that little place that they were able to nestle into and whisper these songs of love. It is a warm and safe place buried down deep. It hurts to dig that deep and remove something so nestled. It feels so good to leave it there and taking it out would leave an empty hole. It's two polar opposites, no happy medium, and it screws with you!


It's a familiar pain. You know this pain, you and this pain have a close bond. What if you removed it and a new, unfamiliar pain moved in. What would you do then? And there is some certain thing about this loving pain buried deep. It has a name, and you love its name.


And you mind screams at you to cut it out of you, you know you should, and you wish you could, but you can't. So you figure you will suffer through it. I know that pain and that emptiness well, Billy. Alone in my bed, I am not alone because I have it there to keep me company.


I wonder though, do I keep it there because I fear that if I cut it out then Adam would cut his out and then I would no longer live in his heart? Why do I want him to keep me buried in there? What does it do for me? Does it ensure that we can always be together no matter how lonely each of us gets? Does it massage my ego to know that someone loves me in the depths of their heart? Does it warm my cold toes? Does it hold me in its arms? Does it look into my eyes and wipe my tears? NO!!!!! NO IT DOES NOT! It will not! It cannot! It is not love, but it is an echo of love! It is not there, it is the reverberations of love, reminding me what love felt like and keeping the pain alive and the wound open.



NO! I am in control, this is MY heart and I have taken it back. I am ready to let it heal. I don't want an echo and hollow love! I want to be filled with real love! I want to be held by real arms and kissed by real lips, memories cannot do that. And since I know that I could never fall safely into his arms and know that he is on my side and will stay by my side, then I have to acknowledge that it is self defeating to hold back from healing any longer. I can't waste my time holding his hole open any longer…


I am going to work, hang out with Aidan and my friends, mellow out, not go dancing and drinking so much and just live my life whole and fulfilled. And when I am not looking, I will not realize my whole heart is back where it should be, and then I will be ready to give it to someone worthy.


AND THAT'S WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
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Dear Reader,

Last night, while sitting in church it hit me. You don't need to worry about a new and unfamilar pain settling into your heart. You don't need to worry if you replace that original pain with happy, pure and joyful things! There will be no more room for the old pain, nor will there be room or time for a new one to fill your heart.

I have replaced that pain. I have dug out all that dead and diseased feelings from my heart and replaced it with love. The love of my son. the love of God. The love for my girlfriends. The love of helping and of being a shoulder for my sisterhood- and the one guy in my own little sisterhood (sorry buddy). I am whole and fulfilled in my life and am moving forward. One foot in front of the other, the sun on my face and a song in my heart (awwwe, do you hear the angels-a-singing and the bells-a-ringing?)

The Stirring

But I think EVERYONE needs to come to The Stirring! Or at least to Church.

Since I have been coming to church regularly I now can say that I disagree with people who say that they can worship God from home and never go to church. I feel that having that community is important. I only know a couple people there. I am not popular. I don't hang out outside of church with anyone who I met at church. But going and lending my voice to the sound of worship; hearing how my offkey singing blends and humanizes the rest of the congregation; seeing other people's heads nod or looks of wonderment on there faces; it makes me feel like I am a part of something bigger. It makes me realize that the human race is yearning to be a part of something bigger and although we indeed ARE already a part of that, it is still not enough. We are intended to be interlinking, helping, lifting, and striving to be closer to God through being closer to each other. How do you do that alone in your living room?

How do you get another's perspective when you sit on your couch and interpret the Bible from your own biases? I love church! I love God!

When we sing I can picture myself on a rope, climbing to be closer to God. And I am. I am closer to God. Every Sunday I am closer to God. Every time I sit and hash it out and figure his Word out more, I am closer to Him.

Not only to I strive for my own salvation and that of Aidans, but I also want everyone I know to feel this. I want to shake people and love them and talk about all these amazing things I'm learning and feeling! It's astounding!

That guy, Matt, I introduced you to. He used to work with me. In fact, he was my direct supervisor. He is the reason I started coming to The Stirring. It is Matt and Anna who lead the lifegroup I attend and I'm getting to know them outside the work setting and watching their growth and they are watching mine and it is REMARKABLE! It's so exciting!

I want to be a reflection. I want people to look at me and see God. I want people to look at me and become thirsty for God. I want them to ask me what I have and how they get it. I want to look at them and I want them to see all the good in themselves and I want them to want to grow in that. I want to show them where to drink to satisfy that thirst.

I want God to open my heart and replace it with His. I want him to rain his fire into my heart. I want it to drip from his finger and land on me so that I may burn for him and that firey radience will consume me. I want my touch to burn and to spread and to draw people to my light so that they may draw closer to the Lord!

I feel that since Tuesday I really am a clean slate. I truly feel forgiven for my past. I really do feel loved unconditionally by God. Since my life was spared on Tuesday I feel like I am blessed and like everything is really going to be okay. It really is.

That's how I feel about that.

Strokes On The Canvas

Strokes on the Canvas
(because "Brushes with Death" is just too cliché)



It was a dark and stormy night… ok, so it wasn't stormy, but it was dark. I was in a hurried state of mind and behind the wheel of a vehicle. Maneuvering through unfamiliar roads at about thirty-five miles per hour, I was also playing catch-up on my cell phone. I was doing everything that a twenty-nine year old knows better than to do. Irresponsibility was my middle name.



The funny thing (ha, ha) is that preceding the "accident" I was leaving my Tuesday night lifegroup. I had just gotten into a really good discussion, was frustrated that time had slipped through my fingers and I was reluctant to leave. I was pumped on learning more about God and I was filled with questions and connections!



Excitedly, I was chatting to one of my good girlfriends about life, the future, God… In my mind I was on a completely different street than that which I was actually traveling. You would think the absence of streetlights, homes, or civilization in general would have raised that internal red flag. Nope. Not stopping to breath or giving my friend a chance to get a word in edgewise I flew down that road talking a mile a minute.



"I was going to be late to get Aidan! I spent too long at my group! I gotta get there!" So peddle to metal in my little red jet.



Turns out every runway has an ending and mine ended with a deathtrap. In the pitch of night I came upon the end of the road about forty feet before it ended. The road stops with a fence. Not any ordinary ol' fence. This was intricately designed by Fortresses 'R' Us.



This fence guarded a large dirt mound topped with a fair sized boulder. With careful consideration, the creators of this fence secured it with solid wooden posts. They then threaded it with both standard chain and barbed wire, and the coup-de-gras was the steel rods that were jutting horizontally forward from the base of the fence. It was as though these rods were protecting a castle from armed intruders.



In the light of my high beams this monstrosity grew larger than life. Reactively I threw the phone to the floor, slammed my breaks, and turned that wheel as far right as it would go. Peaceful and secure in the knowledge that I was going to be okay, I was worried about wrecking my car during the skid. When it was over, my car lay stopped atop an embankment. The frame resting on the earth's peak and the wheels dangling.



Panic mixed with serenity. Is that was a true adrenaline rush feels like? Clarity and chaos? Whatever it was, I had it, and I had it bad.



I tried reversing off the embankment, and well, if there's nothing for the tires to grip, there's nowhere for the car to go. To no avail I called Matt and Anna. What was I thinking? They were leading the group, and like good leaders, they had shut off their phones. Next I call Lisa. She grabs her neighbor; her neighbor grabs his buddy and they both grab a tow chain. HALLELUJAH! RESCUED!



They show up and very carefully pull my car off the embankment. They cut all the barbed wire out from the tangled mess that it became in my undercarriage, do a once over to make sure my car is drivable and give me their blessings to drive home. I drive to Diego's place, pick up Aidan, drive home safely and go to bed a bit shaken.



Now, the ironic part is how the heck I didn't die.



Because what I didn't illustrate above are the other scenarios in which my fate could have been sealed. I will need to draw that picture now. You already have in your mind an image of the road's conclusion. Keep it there. Remember how those steel posts could have or should have punctured my car and found their way to my body. Think about how I could have been airborn off that dirt mound. Now, picture that my car actually ended up to the right of the road, up the embankment, and with my front driver's side tire just over the fence line (good thing they didn't care to fortress off the embankment!).



Now that you see in your mind's eye that my car resting next to that catastrophe of a fence, please also visualize a large, sturdy, old growth tree. As my car teetered, this tree was growing about ten feet from the passenger side door. Had I noticed the road's barrier sooner, I could have driven head first into that tree. Now, we all know that trees don't attack unprovoked and that they usually win their battles. Or, let's say for argument's sake that I noticed the road was ending even moments sooner that that, still having no time to safely come to a stop, and still skidding to the right, I would have headed face first down a steep and deep ravine. At best, a tow truck would have had to hawl out my car, at worst… well, let's not think of that.



But no. None of that happened! My car stopped on the softest and safest spot possible. My airbag didn't even deploy (is that good or bad?). Not a scratch on me. My car drove away!



This morning my tire was completely flat. A coworker came and changed it for me (I'm a single girl and no, I've never learned to change a tire). Rescued again! I'm dreading buying a new tire as I have the rest of the year budgeted and a new tire is not included in my holiday spending. I started out my day somber and my mood just plummeted to the verge of despondency… I started fishing through the glove box for my cone shaped party hat, cuz I was blasting that music at my pity party!



So later, I take my car to Northstate Wholesale Tire where I had recently purchased these bad boys, and they are able to patch the tire, put a new tube in it and charge me a grand total of $10. $10! I walked in there with a big sign above my head that said, "Cha Ching!" and instead of placing their bets, they cashed out honorably. Weights lifted off my shoulders while trumpets played in my pocketbook!



Last, and my own personal "straw that broke the camel's back," was the woman who sat in the office with me. She was in a huge hurry as she had a plane to catch in Sacramento. She was very gracious, but very assertive that her time was precious because an airline waits for no person. We both sat in that tiny, grimy office and we made small talk. She told me about her prescription glasses and why they are necessary. She educated me as to the most comfortable and fashionable brand out there. I loved it!



Well, I love listening and I love hearing people's stories. It's enthralling! So as we talked I discovered that she is a professor of psychology out at Shasta College. Now THAT is amazing!!!



I hate to jump subjects: but I feel a little background is necessary here. My undergrad was in business and human resources. I am utilizing that degree in commercial banking as a credit analyst. Back in March I went back to school for my Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology, and right now I'm taking a little break to get my own psyche and life in order so that I can tackle this endeavor with the respect and time necessary to become good at my new profession. But I worry. I worry because I went through all that work to get my degree in business and have discovered that I am completely uninspired and drained from the corporate monotony and droll that makes up each workday. Then I worry that I could make that same mistake again. I ask God for guidance and yet still feel whipped around by worry and fret.



But this was no coincidence. Did this woman really need her tires worked on so close to her traveling deadline? Did it really need to take an hour and a half to change the tube in my tire?



Do you see? Do you get this big, huge, larger-than-me picture???? Do you see it?



How many blogs have I written analyzing my life? How many times have you heard me say I am slowing down? How many times have I failed and lamented? How many times have I prayed for guidance, but how many times did I hold still long enough to listen?



Well, in that chilly dark night, stranded on a virtually uninhabited street, I bowed my head. Ok, I'm listening. What do I need to learn?



I gossip. I resent. I have trouble forgiving. I obsess about my weight. I help people and then sometimes feel begrudging about doing it. I am not as generous as I would like to think I am. I am calling my friend and asking for her generosity and that of her neighbor, while I have done minimal to help one of my girlfriends who is in dire financial straits. How have I lived my life to deserve any of this goodness and salvation from my idiocy behind the wheel? How have I represented my faith, myself, my son?



I asked. He answered. He needed to take me aside and shake me up like a parent who grabs their child when the child is not paying attention. The parent who grabs the child, shakes his shoulders and says, "listen to me or else!" and the child finally stops fidgeting long enough to listen. OK! I'm listening!



In that car I realized that while I can't help my friend financially, I have a keen business mind and as a child I grew up on Le Brun Lane. I broke the statistics. I was raised around welfare, drugies, alcoholics, I attended AA, Alanon and ACA with my mom because she couldn't afford a babysitter. I ate free lunches. We didn't have a car more often than we did. I rode public transportation. I graduated with a cumulative GPA of 4.1 from Simpson University (College). My car is paid off, I have a cute apartment, I'm climbing the ladder in business banking, and have a year left of my Master's degree. If there is anyone in this world who can teach my friend how to strap on your soldier girl boots and pull yourself out of the mire, it's me! And what do I do? I clean my apartment. Who cares if the apartment is clean while my FRIEND is suffering? Who am I?



THAT is what I was thinking as I was asking God what lesson I am to learn. I have a unique outlook on this life that very few have. I have empathy for heartbroken women, impoverished, middle class, retail workers, fast food employees, rat racers, students, single moms, alcoholics, children of alcoholics, negative self-talk, and yet… have you ever seen me without a smile? Have you ever been greeted by me without my standard, "what's up buttercup?" Have you ever wondered if it was fake, or do you feel it in your heart-of-hearts that I am filled with hope, wonder and genuine happiness?



Where is it? Where does it come from? Is THAT eschad?



Where does my strength come from? It comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth!



As I worry and doubt my path in this life He pulls me aside. While I'm listening and vulnerable He puts that woman at the tire store. When I was at my wits end, scared, alone, and dizzy with options and doubt, he reinforced me by putting the one person who could symbolize and reaffirm my path is the right one. Heck, He even saved my budget with the kindness of Don at Northstate Wholesale Tire, by giving me that tube at cost.



I am alive! My son still has his mommy! My car still runs! My tire is fixed! I know my career path and am resolute in finishing timely and with renewed vigor!



Life is good! God is good!



Let me remember this always.



When I start taking life for granted let the hologram of the treacherous fence dance in front of my eyes to remind me of my good fortune.



Let me not forget how deep God's grace runs in my life.



Let me remember that He smiled on me as He erased from my memory the accident of 07/00 that left me hospitalized for six days and with this hardware in my leg (other guy's fault that time!),

and let me preserve this memory of his saving grace last night.



The end.

...today...

10-6-07



Today is my wedding day. Today I put on my dress and walk down the aisle to marry Mr. Valenzuela. Today I stand in front of friends and family and knowingly bind myself to an alcoholic with severe insecurity issues. The marriage wouldn't have helped if the engagement didn't. He would have just felt more secure in his shenanigans.

Nothing would have changed. Nothing would have been alleviated. If anything, it would have worsened because both he and I would have claimed that I knew what I was getting myself into. Thereby absolving him of any wrongdoing. I would have wasted all that money and time on a marriage that would have ended in divorce.

I hate him. He is evil to me. He manipulates words, actions and events so that I am ugly. I hate the me he reflects in his eyes. I hate the me that he beholds. I hate how he thinks I'm so pliable. I hate how pliable I become to please him and how disgusted he is by it.

I love my strength. I love that I was flailing through an abyss of confusion, false/forced love and projected inner turmoil. I love that I was slowly, horizontally sinking in a black tar. I love that the tar was clinging to my skin and working into my core. I love that the palpable degradation of innocence was throwing itself at my feet.

And mostly,

I love my biceps. I love my strong legs. I love my heart that knows how to love while also knows how to say, "enough is enough." I love the me who is reflected through my own eyes. I love the me who is reflected in the eyes of my friends. I love the me who is a child of God and knows how to both be strong as stone and tender as a caress.

I do not hate him. I love him. I love the lessons I learned because of him. I love my empathy and the access to a sisterhood I never knew before. A sisterhood of scars and strength. A sisterhood encompassing the compassion of resilience, of helping hands and silent understanding. A sisterhood that permanently cements existing bonds and opens your eyes to the radiance of the sisters standing before you. I love him for that.

I love him, because if I had not loved him, I would not have challenged myself to become who I can be, who I will be, who I am on my way to becoming and who I am now. I love him because he saw things in me that I was too scared to see in myself. I love him because he had faith in me when I had none, and I love him because he too is a child of God and the man with whom I was once going to spend my life. But I do not love him enough. I do not love him enough to sacrifice my soul and myself. I do not.

Today was my wedding day. Today I will celebrate. Today is a new day. Today I am healthy and loved. Today I am confident and beautiful. Today I am strong. Today I walk on solid ground. Today I sing.

Your Wedding

Last week I was talking to one of my girlfriends and we were exchanging life stories, she made me stop mid-story and she said, "you are Amazing! Do you know that?"

And you know what I just realized? Someday, I want a man who looks at me and thinks, "Wow, she's amazing." And I want to be able to look at him and think, "Wow, he is really amazing." I guess mutual appreciation for our amazingness.

And that's how I know that I thwarted making the biggest mistake of my life. That is how I know that your wedding on Saturday was meant for you and not for me. I was not intended to be the bride on Oct. 6th because when I think about that man, I do not think to myself about how amazing he is… and I want to love the amazingness of the man I'm marrying…

Amazing doesn't mean perfect. I'm not so foolhardy as to look for "the perfect man." In fact, I'm not so foolhardy as to look. The amazingness in me is that I know that I have always been, can be, and am my own "rock." I have proven that with steadfast determination. I have plowed forward through so many hardships in this life. Never has my path been one on which I had envisioned myself traveling, but always I have come through better off for my journey (usually with a couple bumps and bruises that eventually heal).

Nope, that fella didn't see any amazingness in me for he was so busy concerning himself with none other than himself. I saw and loved him for all his amazingness while love blinded me to his turned head. So that now, with bright eyes and a clear head I can see him for his corruption and black-heartedness.

Now and then, though, I do miss that naïve devotion I felt. I miss giving the unconditional love and the misperception of receiving it in return. Those moments are fleeting and I'm sure that once I make it through this landmark of 10-6-07. Once I don't get married on that day, but instead celebrate the true love shared between my friend and her soul mate, I will step forward into a new age of Jessie.

All this 'building' has prepared me for that, and although I've been forlorn (and probably will continue) at the thought of my impending wedding date passing me by with no flowers, no vows, no husband. The idea of tragedy that watching another woman marry on the day I was supposed to darn my wedding dress might stir emotions in my heart- but it is the sentiment, the IDEA of it all that stirs me, not the ACTUAL loss.

And so I am delighted and overjoyed to celebrate the commencement of your married life! I am thoroughly honored that you would ask that I be witness to the binding of your love! I am so excited to spend my Saturday evening as a part of your most beloved friends and family! You are such a wonderful friend and your groom compliments your uniqueness so perfectly that it gives me hope that someday, like you, I will find my compliment (no hurries though! Yikes!).