Look Up!

Hi there. So sitting in church last night I realized that I have SEVEN friends going through break ups. WOW! So I thought that maybe I should put this up here for the rest of those friends and for any who is suffering and hasn't come to me lately. This is a letter I wrote my buddy who had broken up with his longtime girlfriend about six months ago.

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"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." Helen Keller



Buddy,

You and I both need to remember this quote as we start to spiral into those feelings of missing our "other halves." We were both in relationships which neither of us could see ourselves staying in longterm and happy. Ultimately we knew this or we wouldn't have had the strength of character to do what we did. There wasn't any unforgivable sin- no adultery, murder, etc. There was no specific tangible ultimatum that was so terribly unforgivable (as much as I would like to think it was); but, we still held true to our standards because we know what is right for us. There is an ethical code to ourselves to which we held fast.


It is the war within our hearts. Our heads know we made the right choice. Our heart knows we made the right choice. But there is that little place that they were able to nestle into and whisper these songs of love. It is a warm and safe place buried down deep. It hurts to dig that deep and remove something so nestled. It feels so good to leave it there and taking it out would leave an empty hole. It's two polar opposites, no happy medium, and it screws with you!


It's a familiar pain. You know this pain, you and this pain have a close bond. What if you removed it and a new, unfamiliar pain moved in. What would you do then? And there is some certain thing about this loving pain buried deep. It has a name, and you love its name.


And you mind screams at you to cut it out of you, you know you should, and you wish you could, but you can't. So you figure you will suffer through it. I know that pain and that emptiness well, Billy. Alone in my bed, I am not alone because I have it there to keep me company.


I wonder though, do I keep it there because I fear that if I cut it out then Adam would cut his out and then I would no longer live in his heart? Why do I want him to keep me buried in there? What does it do for me? Does it ensure that we can always be together no matter how lonely each of us gets? Does it massage my ego to know that someone loves me in the depths of their heart? Does it warm my cold toes? Does it hold me in its arms? Does it look into my eyes and wipe my tears? NO!!!!! NO IT DOES NOT! It will not! It cannot! It is not love, but it is an echo of love! It is not there, it is the reverberations of love, reminding me what love felt like and keeping the pain alive and the wound open.



NO! I am in control, this is MY heart and I have taken it back. I am ready to let it heal. I don't want an echo and hollow love! I want to be filled with real love! I want to be held by real arms and kissed by real lips, memories cannot do that. And since I know that I could never fall safely into his arms and know that he is on my side and will stay by my side, then I have to acknowledge that it is self defeating to hold back from healing any longer. I can't waste my time holding his hole open any longer…


I am going to work, hang out with Aidan and my friends, mellow out, not go dancing and drinking so much and just live my life whole and fulfilled. And when I am not looking, I will not realize my whole heart is back where it should be, and then I will be ready to give it to someone worthy.


AND THAT'S WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
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Dear Reader,

Last night, while sitting in church it hit me. You don't need to worry about a new and unfamilar pain settling into your heart. You don't need to worry if you replace that original pain with happy, pure and joyful things! There will be no more room for the old pain, nor will there be room or time for a new one to fill your heart.

I have replaced that pain. I have dug out all that dead and diseased feelings from my heart and replaced it with love. The love of my son. the love of God. The love for my girlfriends. The love of helping and of being a shoulder for my sisterhood- and the one guy in my own little sisterhood (sorry buddy). I am whole and fulfilled in my life and am moving forward. One foot in front of the other, the sun on my face and a song in my heart (awwwe, do you hear the angels-a-singing and the bells-a-ringing?)