Strokes On The Canvas

Strokes on the Canvas
(because "Brushes with Death" is just too cliché)



It was a dark and stormy night… ok, so it wasn't stormy, but it was dark. I was in a hurried state of mind and behind the wheel of a vehicle. Maneuvering through unfamiliar roads at about thirty-five miles per hour, I was also playing catch-up on my cell phone. I was doing everything that a twenty-nine year old knows better than to do. Irresponsibility was my middle name.



The funny thing (ha, ha) is that preceding the "accident" I was leaving my Tuesday night lifegroup. I had just gotten into a really good discussion, was frustrated that time had slipped through my fingers and I was reluctant to leave. I was pumped on learning more about God and I was filled with questions and connections!



Excitedly, I was chatting to one of my good girlfriends about life, the future, God… In my mind I was on a completely different street than that which I was actually traveling. You would think the absence of streetlights, homes, or civilization in general would have raised that internal red flag. Nope. Not stopping to breath or giving my friend a chance to get a word in edgewise I flew down that road talking a mile a minute.



"I was going to be late to get Aidan! I spent too long at my group! I gotta get there!" So peddle to metal in my little red jet.



Turns out every runway has an ending and mine ended with a deathtrap. In the pitch of night I came upon the end of the road about forty feet before it ended. The road stops with a fence. Not any ordinary ol' fence. This was intricately designed by Fortresses 'R' Us.



This fence guarded a large dirt mound topped with a fair sized boulder. With careful consideration, the creators of this fence secured it with solid wooden posts. They then threaded it with both standard chain and barbed wire, and the coup-de-gras was the steel rods that were jutting horizontally forward from the base of the fence. It was as though these rods were protecting a castle from armed intruders.



In the light of my high beams this monstrosity grew larger than life. Reactively I threw the phone to the floor, slammed my breaks, and turned that wheel as far right as it would go. Peaceful and secure in the knowledge that I was going to be okay, I was worried about wrecking my car during the skid. When it was over, my car lay stopped atop an embankment. The frame resting on the earth's peak and the wheels dangling.



Panic mixed with serenity. Is that was a true adrenaline rush feels like? Clarity and chaos? Whatever it was, I had it, and I had it bad.



I tried reversing off the embankment, and well, if there's nothing for the tires to grip, there's nowhere for the car to go. To no avail I called Matt and Anna. What was I thinking? They were leading the group, and like good leaders, they had shut off their phones. Next I call Lisa. She grabs her neighbor; her neighbor grabs his buddy and they both grab a tow chain. HALLELUJAH! RESCUED!



They show up and very carefully pull my car off the embankment. They cut all the barbed wire out from the tangled mess that it became in my undercarriage, do a once over to make sure my car is drivable and give me their blessings to drive home. I drive to Diego's place, pick up Aidan, drive home safely and go to bed a bit shaken.



Now, the ironic part is how the heck I didn't die.



Because what I didn't illustrate above are the other scenarios in which my fate could have been sealed. I will need to draw that picture now. You already have in your mind an image of the road's conclusion. Keep it there. Remember how those steel posts could have or should have punctured my car and found their way to my body. Think about how I could have been airborn off that dirt mound. Now, picture that my car actually ended up to the right of the road, up the embankment, and with my front driver's side tire just over the fence line (good thing they didn't care to fortress off the embankment!).



Now that you see in your mind's eye that my car resting next to that catastrophe of a fence, please also visualize a large, sturdy, old growth tree. As my car teetered, this tree was growing about ten feet from the passenger side door. Had I noticed the road's barrier sooner, I could have driven head first into that tree. Now, we all know that trees don't attack unprovoked and that they usually win their battles. Or, let's say for argument's sake that I noticed the road was ending even moments sooner that that, still having no time to safely come to a stop, and still skidding to the right, I would have headed face first down a steep and deep ravine. At best, a tow truck would have had to hawl out my car, at worst… well, let's not think of that.



But no. None of that happened! My car stopped on the softest and safest spot possible. My airbag didn't even deploy (is that good or bad?). Not a scratch on me. My car drove away!



This morning my tire was completely flat. A coworker came and changed it for me (I'm a single girl and no, I've never learned to change a tire). Rescued again! I'm dreading buying a new tire as I have the rest of the year budgeted and a new tire is not included in my holiday spending. I started out my day somber and my mood just plummeted to the verge of despondency… I started fishing through the glove box for my cone shaped party hat, cuz I was blasting that music at my pity party!



So later, I take my car to Northstate Wholesale Tire where I had recently purchased these bad boys, and they are able to patch the tire, put a new tube in it and charge me a grand total of $10. $10! I walked in there with a big sign above my head that said, "Cha Ching!" and instead of placing their bets, they cashed out honorably. Weights lifted off my shoulders while trumpets played in my pocketbook!



Last, and my own personal "straw that broke the camel's back," was the woman who sat in the office with me. She was in a huge hurry as she had a plane to catch in Sacramento. She was very gracious, but very assertive that her time was precious because an airline waits for no person. We both sat in that tiny, grimy office and we made small talk. She told me about her prescription glasses and why they are necessary. She educated me as to the most comfortable and fashionable brand out there. I loved it!



Well, I love listening and I love hearing people's stories. It's enthralling! So as we talked I discovered that she is a professor of psychology out at Shasta College. Now THAT is amazing!!!



I hate to jump subjects: but I feel a little background is necessary here. My undergrad was in business and human resources. I am utilizing that degree in commercial banking as a credit analyst. Back in March I went back to school for my Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology, and right now I'm taking a little break to get my own psyche and life in order so that I can tackle this endeavor with the respect and time necessary to become good at my new profession. But I worry. I worry because I went through all that work to get my degree in business and have discovered that I am completely uninspired and drained from the corporate monotony and droll that makes up each workday. Then I worry that I could make that same mistake again. I ask God for guidance and yet still feel whipped around by worry and fret.



But this was no coincidence. Did this woman really need her tires worked on so close to her traveling deadline? Did it really need to take an hour and a half to change the tube in my tire?



Do you see? Do you get this big, huge, larger-than-me picture???? Do you see it?



How many blogs have I written analyzing my life? How many times have you heard me say I am slowing down? How many times have I failed and lamented? How many times have I prayed for guidance, but how many times did I hold still long enough to listen?



Well, in that chilly dark night, stranded on a virtually uninhabited street, I bowed my head. Ok, I'm listening. What do I need to learn?



I gossip. I resent. I have trouble forgiving. I obsess about my weight. I help people and then sometimes feel begrudging about doing it. I am not as generous as I would like to think I am. I am calling my friend and asking for her generosity and that of her neighbor, while I have done minimal to help one of my girlfriends who is in dire financial straits. How have I lived my life to deserve any of this goodness and salvation from my idiocy behind the wheel? How have I represented my faith, myself, my son?



I asked. He answered. He needed to take me aside and shake me up like a parent who grabs their child when the child is not paying attention. The parent who grabs the child, shakes his shoulders and says, "listen to me or else!" and the child finally stops fidgeting long enough to listen. OK! I'm listening!



In that car I realized that while I can't help my friend financially, I have a keen business mind and as a child I grew up on Le Brun Lane. I broke the statistics. I was raised around welfare, drugies, alcoholics, I attended AA, Alanon and ACA with my mom because she couldn't afford a babysitter. I ate free lunches. We didn't have a car more often than we did. I rode public transportation. I graduated with a cumulative GPA of 4.1 from Simpson University (College). My car is paid off, I have a cute apartment, I'm climbing the ladder in business banking, and have a year left of my Master's degree. If there is anyone in this world who can teach my friend how to strap on your soldier girl boots and pull yourself out of the mire, it's me! And what do I do? I clean my apartment. Who cares if the apartment is clean while my FRIEND is suffering? Who am I?



THAT is what I was thinking as I was asking God what lesson I am to learn. I have a unique outlook on this life that very few have. I have empathy for heartbroken women, impoverished, middle class, retail workers, fast food employees, rat racers, students, single moms, alcoholics, children of alcoholics, negative self-talk, and yet… have you ever seen me without a smile? Have you ever been greeted by me without my standard, "what's up buttercup?" Have you ever wondered if it was fake, or do you feel it in your heart-of-hearts that I am filled with hope, wonder and genuine happiness?



Where is it? Where does it come from? Is THAT eschad?



Where does my strength come from? It comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth!



As I worry and doubt my path in this life He pulls me aside. While I'm listening and vulnerable He puts that woman at the tire store. When I was at my wits end, scared, alone, and dizzy with options and doubt, he reinforced me by putting the one person who could symbolize and reaffirm my path is the right one. Heck, He even saved my budget with the kindness of Don at Northstate Wholesale Tire, by giving me that tube at cost.



I am alive! My son still has his mommy! My car still runs! My tire is fixed! I know my career path and am resolute in finishing timely and with renewed vigor!



Life is good! God is good!



Let me remember this always.



When I start taking life for granted let the hologram of the treacherous fence dance in front of my eyes to remind me of my good fortune.



Let me not forget how deep God's grace runs in my life.



Let me remember that He smiled on me as He erased from my memory the accident of 07/00 that left me hospitalized for six days and with this hardware in my leg (other guy's fault that time!),

and let me preserve this memory of his saving grace last night.



The end.