...today...

10-6-07



Today is my wedding day. Today I put on my dress and walk down the aisle to marry Mr. Valenzuela. Today I stand in front of friends and family and knowingly bind myself to an alcoholic with severe insecurity issues. The marriage wouldn't have helped if the engagement didn't. He would have just felt more secure in his shenanigans.

Nothing would have changed. Nothing would have been alleviated. If anything, it would have worsened because both he and I would have claimed that I knew what I was getting myself into. Thereby absolving him of any wrongdoing. I would have wasted all that money and time on a marriage that would have ended in divorce.

I hate him. He is evil to me. He manipulates words, actions and events so that I am ugly. I hate the me he reflects in his eyes. I hate the me that he beholds. I hate how he thinks I'm so pliable. I hate how pliable I become to please him and how disgusted he is by it.

I love my strength. I love that I was flailing through an abyss of confusion, false/forced love and projected inner turmoil. I love that I was slowly, horizontally sinking in a black tar. I love that the tar was clinging to my skin and working into my core. I love that the palpable degradation of innocence was throwing itself at my feet.

And mostly,

I love my biceps. I love my strong legs. I love my heart that knows how to love while also knows how to say, "enough is enough." I love the me who is reflected through my own eyes. I love the me who is reflected in the eyes of my friends. I love the me who is a child of God and knows how to both be strong as stone and tender as a caress.

I do not hate him. I love him. I love the lessons I learned because of him. I love my empathy and the access to a sisterhood I never knew before. A sisterhood of scars and strength. A sisterhood encompassing the compassion of resilience, of helping hands and silent understanding. A sisterhood that permanently cements existing bonds and opens your eyes to the radiance of the sisters standing before you. I love him for that.

I love him, because if I had not loved him, I would not have challenged myself to become who I can be, who I will be, who I am on my way to becoming and who I am now. I love him because he saw things in me that I was too scared to see in myself. I love him because he had faith in me when I had none, and I love him because he too is a child of God and the man with whom I was once going to spend my life. But I do not love him enough. I do not love him enough to sacrifice my soul and myself. I do not.

Today was my wedding day. Today I will celebrate. Today is a new day. Today I am healthy and loved. Today I am confident and beautiful. Today I am strong. Today I walk on solid ground. Today I sing.