You know, it seems that sometimes, for no reason, someone will try to sabatoge your growth. Be it personal, spiritual, professional, what have you. But that's when you look at them with pity and love. You have to remind yourself that they too are human and suffer their own insecurities.
Keep them to yourself! You want to shout.
Don't provoke me with your own inner turmoil! You scream in your head.
Leave me ALONE!
That is how I feel at times with a certain associate.
It seems as though each time I let down my guard she begins to twist herself deeper in the mire of her own delusions. What it is exactly she is projecting onto me I'm unsure other than the idea that I am not at all what she'd like me to be: weak, dumb, maliable...
While I continue to ignore her repeated attempts to get under my skin she digs her nails in deeper. Funny, I feel a faint tickle, a light breeze on the hairs of my arm, as under the surface she claws and bites and fights her way to get at me. She attempts to insult my relationships past, she belittles that which I hold most dear, and she seeks to bring spiritual fear into my home. But she fails.
I am secure with who I am, what I want, where I am going, and the love in my heart.
And you know what is so weird? I love this person. I do. I love her as though she is my own family. We don't get to choose our family right? They are chosen for us from above for whatever reasons He may have.
And you know, really, I'd LIKE to dislike her. It seems as though I should... doesn't it? I should. I should resent or something.
But I don't.
I actually kind of like her because beneath it all I see a smart, witty woman.
I actually kind of like her because beneath it all I see me.
I see the me I used to be.
I see the me who was insecure with myself even though I would try like heck to convince me otherwise. I see the me who placed my value on my weight (wait, I still do that, bad girl). I see the me who was happy for my friends, but also a little sad for me. I see the me who loves and is FILLED WITH LOVE and worries that the love will somehow fade or leave me. I see the confused and lost me who feels like everything and everyone around her is controlling her present and if she could just force things to go her way, well, then everything would go her way.
I see her. I remember her. I am still her. I struggle against knowing that part of me regularly.
...and yet...
she is no longer me.
And so, I cannot dislike this woman who begrudges me. I cannot look at this woman with malevolence- which is really very unlike me! It's just not in there, it's not in my heart.
I try. I think to myself, "who does she think she is and why is this remotely interesting to her?" but really, I don't care. I just don't. I don't care if she's trying to get to me and I just continue to love her like she is my family. Because she is.
I am not going anywhere and I will likely be in her life indefinitely. She's not going anywhere either. And so, I love her. My love spreading agenda has no agenda here. She can hate me, loathe me, have contempt for me, see me as the antithesis of everything she values, but I will continue to love and be respectful to her.
It does not make me weak. It does not make me helpless.
It makes me whole and full and happy.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Walking In His Love
Jenn really got me thinking today (doncha love the stimulating kind of friends!). So after our emails I thought I'd pull them all into a blog for y'all! Happy reading:
From: jennifer
Sent: Wednesday, December 05, 2007 1:07 PM
To: Jessica
Subject: RE: Deposit Received
that's awesome. Soooo awesome. I have to tell you kinda part 2 of the same day when I felt God really reduced me to love. I was praying and spending time just taking it in (singing, ect) in my own crazy way when I was really praying
"Lord, I thought I knew what your voice sounded like! But, here I am back in the hills and hardly able to understand what is left or right...How will I ever know what your plan is for my life now? My moving to _____ and back has just confirmed that I really don't have a clue what my life is about right now." (mind you this also compounded my lack of self worth in that I defined my do as my worth not my WHO)
Then he spoke to my heart and reminded me of what he told me earlier in the day about learning to love myself so I can show others the love of God and bring Him glory...He then went on to add the verse in I John "When I (jennifer or Jessica) walk in love God is present"...Now mind you that wasn't the answer I was looking for but it hit home until further direction is received. You see, I am crying out for more of God in my life and wanting this and that of Him (not that these things aren't ok to want) but I was overlooking a very basic promise. Yes a promise. He said absolutely i can be certain that His presence will be with me (or you) when we walk in love!!!
Thats you girl! You are a saint of God! to your co-workers, to your friends, and yeah even to the people that annoy us. If we want more of God, all we have to do is walk in love! pretty cool huh?
This may be something that is very obvious to you, but for this gal in the hills it felt like fresh fire!
Happy wed! I have this silly grin on my face cuz it's awesome talking about God!
From: Jessica
Sent: Wednesday, December 05, 2007 1:23 PM
To: 'jennifer
Subject: RE: Deposit Received
We just have to walk into his love.
Could it also be that his love is already what we're walking in? Could we be walking in his love because this earth and all that are in it are fruits of his love and he is even currently loving the sinners of the most sinfulest of natures? Could it be that his love is already encompassing us and we are already walking in it, but that maybe we have shielded ourselves to it? Could it just be that we are already walking in his love and if we just shake off those walls and borders that we put around ourselves and let that love permeate into us, we'll be walking with an awareness of his love?
Maybe it's not that we need to walk into his love, maybe it's that we need to be aware that we're already doing it?
...email 2... i just kept thinking on her email and had to go farther:
When I (jennifer or Jessica) walk in love God is present"
Because perhaps right now we are walking in confusion.
Maybe we're walking in animosity, frustration, control, despair, self-pity…
Maybe walking in love isn't that the love is around us and we're walking into it. Maybe love is the way we are walking. When we are walking in love we are reflecting God. When we are reflections of God He is present.
Like, when Aidan does or says something I do or say I get all proud. Ahhhh, he's so sweet, he's just like me! He has my sense of humor, he values the things I value, my little guy is my little boy version of a mini-me. My heart swells with happiness and pride cuz I know that he's watching me and he wants to be just like me cuz I'm the best person out there!
So, imagine God's swelling heart when we live with a God focus and we try our hardest to overcome the sin we're born with and all the temptations and try to live like Him. Us living like God is much harder than Aidan living like me… So it means all that much more!
...email 3... answering Matt's question the night before, how do we bring others to God?
Because, maybe when we are walking in his love and we are a reflection of that love it draws people to look. If we are a reflection, they are looking at us and seeing themselves in God's love. Maybe when they see us walking in love it is inviting and they can easier see themselves walking in love. Maybe when they are looking for the love of God that is reflected through our walk, they can then see that the "No" is worth it. Maybe when they see the love through us, around us, reflecting from us, it gives them the permission and authority to seek it for themselves. When they decide to seek it for themselves God gives them someone to guide them, and that is how we bring them to God.
Not teaching them what they can't do and telling them why. Walking in God's love and inviting them to do it with us.
From: jennifer
Sent: Wednesday, December 05, 2007 1:07 PM
To: Jessica
Subject: RE: Deposit Received
that's awesome. Soooo awesome. I have to tell you kinda part 2 of the same day when I felt God really reduced me to love. I was praying and spending time just taking it in (singing, ect) in my own crazy way when I was really praying
"Lord, I thought I knew what your voice sounded like! But, here I am back in the hills and hardly able to understand what is left or right...How will I ever know what your plan is for my life now? My moving to _____ and back has just confirmed that I really don't have a clue what my life is about right now." (mind you this also compounded my lack of self worth in that I defined my do as my worth not my WHO)
Then he spoke to my heart and reminded me of what he told me earlier in the day about learning to love myself so I can show others the love of God and bring Him glory...He then went on to add the verse in I John "When I (jennifer or Jessica) walk in love God is present"...Now mind you that wasn't the answer I was looking for but it hit home until further direction is received. You see, I am crying out for more of God in my life and wanting this and that of Him (not that these things aren't ok to want) but I was overlooking a very basic promise. Yes a promise. He said absolutely i can be certain that His presence will be with me (or you) when we walk in love!!!
Thats you girl! You are a saint of God! to your co-workers, to your friends, and yeah even to the people that annoy us. If we want more of God, all we have to do is walk in love! pretty cool huh?
This may be something that is very obvious to you, but for this gal in the hills it felt like fresh fire!
Happy wed! I have this silly grin on my face cuz it's awesome talking about God!
From: Jessica
Sent: Wednesday, December 05, 2007 1:23 PM
To: 'jennifer
Subject: RE: Deposit Received
We just have to walk into his love.
Could it also be that his love is already what we're walking in? Could we be walking in his love because this earth and all that are in it are fruits of his love and he is even currently loving the sinners of the most sinfulest of natures? Could it be that his love is already encompassing us and we are already walking in it, but that maybe we have shielded ourselves to it? Could it just be that we are already walking in his love and if we just shake off those walls and borders that we put around ourselves and let that love permeate into us, we'll be walking with an awareness of his love?
Maybe it's not that we need to walk into his love, maybe it's that we need to be aware that we're already doing it?
...email 2... i just kept thinking on her email and had to go farther:
When I (jennifer or Jessica) walk in love God is present"
Because perhaps right now we are walking in confusion.
Maybe we're walking in animosity, frustration, control, despair, self-pity…
Maybe walking in love isn't that the love is around us and we're walking into it. Maybe love is the way we are walking. When we are walking in love we are reflecting God. When we are reflections of God He is present.
Like, when Aidan does or says something I do or say I get all proud. Ahhhh, he's so sweet, he's just like me! He has my sense of humor, he values the things I value, my little guy is my little boy version of a mini-me. My heart swells with happiness and pride cuz I know that he's watching me and he wants to be just like me cuz I'm the best person out there!
So, imagine God's swelling heart when we live with a God focus and we try our hardest to overcome the sin we're born with and all the temptations and try to live like Him. Us living like God is much harder than Aidan living like me… So it means all that much more!
...email 3... answering Matt's question the night before, how do we bring others to God?
Because, maybe when we are walking in his love and we are a reflection of that love it draws people to look. If we are a reflection, they are looking at us and seeing themselves in God's love. Maybe when they see us walking in love it is inviting and they can easier see themselves walking in love. Maybe when they are looking for the love of God that is reflected through our walk, they can then see that the "No" is worth it. Maybe when they see the love through us, around us, reflecting from us, it gives them the permission and authority to seek it for themselves. When they decide to seek it for themselves God gives them someone to guide them, and that is how we bring them to God.
Not teaching them what they can't do and telling them why. Walking in God's love and inviting them to do it with us.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
A Jessie Kind of Day
So this morning I'm feeling pretty good and spunky. Fresh new hair cut, new dress, and I awoke with energy abounding. So I get ready for work and I'm about half an hour earlier than normal. So I see my neighbor boy outside and decide that Aidan and I don't have enough photos of the two of us that aren't arms length away. So I ask him to take our photo. We all head to the car b'cuz that's where my camera was.
So it's not there. So we all head back to the apartment. I grab my camera. The camera turns on but tells me that the batteries are dead and shuts off. I go back in and get the other rechargeable batteries which are fully charged. I put them in the camera and pose. Nope, batteries aren't working. So we say thanks anyway.
I drop Aidan off at school (he can't find his homework).
I head to Safeway to go to the Starbucks located inside. Today Star has an especially volatile customer coming in to sign loan docs and I thought starting her day with a surprise frappacino would be nice. I wait the 15 minutes in line to give my order. I wait the 5 minutes to get my drink. I walk back to my car with both hands full of coffee and a big huge purse on my shoulder while trying to keep my dress from flying up. Of course it's a windy day, of course my delicates are in danger of viewing, and of course I didn't take that into consideration when I put on this dress.
So walking like a retard in order to keep everything where it should be I make my way back to my car. I put the coffees on the hood and open the door. I place one cup inside. I place my purse inside. I grab the second cup, go to sit down and bang my head on the rim of the car door. While doing so I continue to sit. However, impulsively my hand flies up to my head. It's the hand with the coffee in it and the coffee bangs against that same spot where my head hit, flies out of my hand, lands on my lap upside down and proceeds to pour all over my dress, legs, seat and steering wheel.
Needless to say, I'm at work wearing no nylons and a dress above my knee, and I had to clean myself off in the bathroom so the whole front of my skirt is soaked. But there's still half a frappacino left and by golly I'm guzzling it with a big goofy smile. At least I still have my coffee!
So it's not there. So we all head back to the apartment. I grab my camera. The camera turns on but tells me that the batteries are dead and shuts off. I go back in and get the other rechargeable batteries which are fully charged. I put them in the camera and pose. Nope, batteries aren't working. So we say thanks anyway.
I drop Aidan off at school (he can't find his homework).
I head to Safeway to go to the Starbucks located inside. Today Star has an especially volatile customer coming in to sign loan docs and I thought starting her day with a surprise frappacino would be nice. I wait the 15 minutes in line to give my order. I wait the 5 minutes to get my drink. I walk back to my car with both hands full of coffee and a big huge purse on my shoulder while trying to keep my dress from flying up. Of course it's a windy day, of course my delicates are in danger of viewing, and of course I didn't take that into consideration when I put on this dress.
So walking like a retard in order to keep everything where it should be I make my way back to my car. I put the coffees on the hood and open the door. I place one cup inside. I place my purse inside. I grab the second cup, go to sit down and bang my head on the rim of the car door. While doing so I continue to sit. However, impulsively my hand flies up to my head. It's the hand with the coffee in it and the coffee bangs against that same spot where my head hit, flies out of my hand, lands on my lap upside down and proceeds to pour all over my dress, legs, seat and steering wheel.
Needless to say, I'm at work wearing no nylons and a dress above my knee, and I had to clean myself off in the bathroom so the whole front of my skirt is soaked. But there's still half a frappacino left and by golly I'm guzzling it with a big goofy smile. At least I still have my coffee!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Look Up Farther!
I was thinking and I had to follow up my email to Buddy today (he's my buddy, my buddy, wherever I go, he goes, my buddy and me!)
So here's part deux of my blog titled "Look Up."
__________________________________________________
So remember that hole in your heart I was talking about last week? Remember how I said it's hard to dig out that aching echo of love and how part of that difficulty is the fear of a new, unfamiliar pain moving in? Well, what if a person replaced it?
No, not with another romance! That would just perpetuate the pain: cover it up and seal it in. No, what if you could clean that hurt and fear from your heart and stuff it with joy, happiness and purity? What if instead of leaving your heart open so that whatever may find it's way there can take up residence, what if you found that new tenant? Something that you can love. Something that leaves you full and whole. Something that doesn't distract you from your pain, because your pain has been removed, but something that focuses all your love and soul. What if that's the answer?
We don't have to be empty. We don't have to repair our wounds. We don't have to bleed any longer and suffer until we feel repentance is ours. We don't have to suffer for the love we lost, but instead rejoice that we have a new future and new possibilities! We can fill that hole our lost loves left, and we can fill it with love and joy. It's ours to take.
So take it!
You know what has been filling and stirring my heart. You can try that. Or you can go in deep into your mind and heart and think of the things you love, pursue them. Let them twist and turn and introduce you to new things, new possibilities, new love! Don't mistake: Love is not isolated to romantic love. Love of humanitarian works. Love of children.
Hey, maybe you could be a mentor to a boy without a dad or big brother! My friend Andy does that, I could ask him where to go.
So here's part deux of my blog titled "Look Up."
__________________________________________________
So remember that hole in your heart I was talking about last week? Remember how I said it's hard to dig out that aching echo of love and how part of that difficulty is the fear of a new, unfamiliar pain moving in? Well, what if a person replaced it?
No, not with another romance! That would just perpetuate the pain: cover it up and seal it in. No, what if you could clean that hurt and fear from your heart and stuff it with joy, happiness and purity? What if instead of leaving your heart open so that whatever may find it's way there can take up residence, what if you found that new tenant? Something that you can love. Something that leaves you full and whole. Something that doesn't distract you from your pain, because your pain has been removed, but something that focuses all your love and soul. What if that's the answer?
We don't have to be empty. We don't have to repair our wounds. We don't have to bleed any longer and suffer until we feel repentance is ours. We don't have to suffer for the love we lost, but instead rejoice that we have a new future and new possibilities! We can fill that hole our lost loves left, and we can fill it with love and joy. It's ours to take.
So take it!
You know what has been filling and stirring my heart. You can try that. Or you can go in deep into your mind and heart and think of the things you love, pursue them. Let them twist and turn and introduce you to new things, new possibilities, new love! Don't mistake: Love is not isolated to romantic love. Love of humanitarian works. Love of children.
Hey, maybe you could be a mentor to a boy without a dad or big brother! My friend Andy does that, I could ask him where to go.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Look Up!
Hi there. So sitting in church last night I realized that I have SEVEN friends going through break ups. WOW! So I thought that maybe I should put this up here for the rest of those friends and for any who is suffering and hasn't come to me lately. This is a letter I wrote my buddy who had broken up with his longtime girlfriend about six months ago.
_______________________________________________
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." Helen Keller
Buddy,
You and I both need to remember this quote as we start to spiral into those feelings of missing our "other halves." We were both in relationships which neither of us could see ourselves staying in longterm and happy. Ultimately we knew this or we wouldn't have had the strength of character to do what we did. There wasn't any unforgivable sin- no adultery, murder, etc. There was no specific tangible ultimatum that was so terribly unforgivable (as much as I would like to think it was); but, we still held true to our standards because we know what is right for us. There is an ethical code to ourselves to which we held fast.
It is the war within our hearts. Our heads know we made the right choice. Our heart knows we made the right choice. But there is that little place that they were able to nestle into and whisper these songs of love. It is a warm and safe place buried down deep. It hurts to dig that deep and remove something so nestled. It feels so good to leave it there and taking it out would leave an empty hole. It's two polar opposites, no happy medium, and it screws with you!
It's a familiar pain. You know this pain, you and this pain have a close bond. What if you removed it and a new, unfamiliar pain moved in. What would you do then? And there is some certain thing about this loving pain buried deep. It has a name, and you love its name.
And you mind screams at you to cut it out of you, you know you should, and you wish you could, but you can't. So you figure you will suffer through it. I know that pain and that emptiness well, Billy. Alone in my bed, I am not alone because I have it there to keep me company.
I wonder though, do I keep it there because I fear that if I cut it out then Adam would cut his out and then I would no longer live in his heart? Why do I want him to keep me buried in there? What does it do for me? Does it ensure that we can always be together no matter how lonely each of us gets? Does it massage my ego to know that someone loves me in the depths of their heart? Does it warm my cold toes? Does it hold me in its arms? Does it look into my eyes and wipe my tears? NO!!!!! NO IT DOES NOT! It will not! It cannot! It is not love, but it is an echo of love! It is not there, it is the reverberations of love, reminding me what love felt like and keeping the pain alive and the wound open.
NO! I am in control, this is MY heart and I have taken it back. I am ready to let it heal. I don't want an echo and hollow love! I want to be filled with real love! I want to be held by real arms and kissed by real lips, memories cannot do that. And since I know that I could never fall safely into his arms and know that he is on my side and will stay by my side, then I have to acknowledge that it is self defeating to hold back from healing any longer. I can't waste my time holding his hole open any longer…
I am going to work, hang out with Aidan and my friends, mellow out, not go dancing and drinking so much and just live my life whole and fulfilled. And when I am not looking, I will not realize my whole heart is back where it should be, and then I will be ready to give it to someone worthy.
AND THAT'S WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
________________________________________________
Dear Reader,
Last night, while sitting in church it hit me. You don't need to worry about a new and unfamilar pain settling into your heart. You don't need to worry if you replace that original pain with happy, pure and joyful things! There will be no more room for the old pain, nor will there be room or time for a new one to fill your heart.
I have replaced that pain. I have dug out all that dead and diseased feelings from my heart and replaced it with love. The love of my son. the love of God. The love for my girlfriends. The love of helping and of being a shoulder for my sisterhood- and the one guy in my own little sisterhood (sorry buddy). I am whole and fulfilled in my life and am moving forward. One foot in front of the other, the sun on my face and a song in my heart (awwwe, do you hear the angels-a-singing and the bells-a-ringing?)
_______________________________________________
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." Helen Keller
Buddy,
You and I both need to remember this quote as we start to spiral into those feelings of missing our "other halves." We were both in relationships which neither of us could see ourselves staying in longterm and happy. Ultimately we knew this or we wouldn't have had the strength of character to do what we did. There wasn't any unforgivable sin- no adultery, murder, etc. There was no specific tangible ultimatum that was so terribly unforgivable (as much as I would like to think it was); but, we still held true to our standards because we know what is right for us. There is an ethical code to ourselves to which we held fast.
It is the war within our hearts. Our heads know we made the right choice. Our heart knows we made the right choice. But there is that little place that they were able to nestle into and whisper these songs of love. It is a warm and safe place buried down deep. It hurts to dig that deep and remove something so nestled. It feels so good to leave it there and taking it out would leave an empty hole. It's two polar opposites, no happy medium, and it screws with you!
It's a familiar pain. You know this pain, you and this pain have a close bond. What if you removed it and a new, unfamiliar pain moved in. What would you do then? And there is some certain thing about this loving pain buried deep. It has a name, and you love its name.
And you mind screams at you to cut it out of you, you know you should, and you wish you could, but you can't. So you figure you will suffer through it. I know that pain and that emptiness well, Billy. Alone in my bed, I am not alone because I have it there to keep me company.
I wonder though, do I keep it there because I fear that if I cut it out then Adam would cut his out and then I would no longer live in his heart? Why do I want him to keep me buried in there? What does it do for me? Does it ensure that we can always be together no matter how lonely each of us gets? Does it massage my ego to know that someone loves me in the depths of their heart? Does it warm my cold toes? Does it hold me in its arms? Does it look into my eyes and wipe my tears? NO!!!!! NO IT DOES NOT! It will not! It cannot! It is not love, but it is an echo of love! It is not there, it is the reverberations of love, reminding me what love felt like and keeping the pain alive and the wound open.
NO! I am in control, this is MY heart and I have taken it back. I am ready to let it heal. I don't want an echo and hollow love! I want to be filled with real love! I want to be held by real arms and kissed by real lips, memories cannot do that. And since I know that I could never fall safely into his arms and know that he is on my side and will stay by my side, then I have to acknowledge that it is self defeating to hold back from healing any longer. I can't waste my time holding his hole open any longer…
I am going to work, hang out with Aidan and my friends, mellow out, not go dancing and drinking so much and just live my life whole and fulfilled. And when I am not looking, I will not realize my whole heart is back where it should be, and then I will be ready to give it to someone worthy.
AND THAT'S WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
________________________________________________
Dear Reader,
Last night, while sitting in church it hit me. You don't need to worry about a new and unfamilar pain settling into your heart. You don't need to worry if you replace that original pain with happy, pure and joyful things! There will be no more room for the old pain, nor will there be room or time for a new one to fill your heart.
I have replaced that pain. I have dug out all that dead and diseased feelings from my heart and replaced it with love. The love of my son. the love of God. The love for my girlfriends. The love of helping and of being a shoulder for my sisterhood- and the one guy in my own little sisterhood (sorry buddy). I am whole and fulfilled in my life and am moving forward. One foot in front of the other, the sun on my face and a song in my heart (awwwe, do you hear the angels-a-singing and the bells-a-ringing?)
Sunday, October 21, 2007
The Stirring
But I think EVERYONE needs to come to The Stirring! Or at least to Church.
Since I have been coming to church regularly I now can say that I disagree with people who say that they can worship God from home and never go to church. I feel that having that community is important. I only know a couple people there. I am not popular. I don't hang out outside of church with anyone who I met at church. But going and lending my voice to the sound of worship; hearing how my offkey singing blends and humanizes the rest of the congregation; seeing other people's heads nod or looks of wonderment on there faces; it makes me feel like I am a part of something bigger. It makes me realize that the human race is yearning to be a part of something bigger and although we indeed ARE already a part of that, it is still not enough. We are intended to be interlinking, helping, lifting, and striving to be closer to God through being closer to each other. How do you do that alone in your living room?
How do you get another's perspective when you sit on your couch and interpret the Bible from your own biases? I love church! I love God!
When we sing I can picture myself on a rope, climbing to be closer to God. And I am. I am closer to God. Every Sunday I am closer to God. Every time I sit and hash it out and figure his Word out more, I am closer to Him.
Not only to I strive for my own salvation and that of Aidans, but I also want everyone I know to feel this. I want to shake people and love them and talk about all these amazing things I'm learning and feeling! It's astounding!
That guy, Matt, I introduced you to. He used to work with me. In fact, he was my direct supervisor. He is the reason I started coming to The Stirring. It is Matt and Anna who lead the lifegroup I attend and I'm getting to know them outside the work setting and watching their growth and they are watching mine and it is REMARKABLE! It's so exciting!
I want to be a reflection. I want people to look at me and see God. I want people to look at me and become thirsty for God. I want them to ask me what I have and how they get it. I want to look at them and I want them to see all the good in themselves and I want them to want to grow in that. I want to show them where to drink to satisfy that thirst.
I want God to open my heart and replace it with His. I want him to rain his fire into my heart. I want it to drip from his finger and land on me so that I may burn for him and that firey radience will consume me. I want my touch to burn and to spread and to draw people to my light so that they may draw closer to the Lord!
I feel that since Tuesday I really am a clean slate. I truly feel forgiven for my past. I really do feel loved unconditionally by God. Since my life was spared on Tuesday I feel like I am blessed and like everything is really going to be okay. It really is.
That's how I feel about that.
Since I have been coming to church regularly I now can say that I disagree with people who say that they can worship God from home and never go to church. I feel that having that community is important. I only know a couple people there. I am not popular. I don't hang out outside of church with anyone who I met at church. But going and lending my voice to the sound of worship; hearing how my offkey singing blends and humanizes the rest of the congregation; seeing other people's heads nod or looks of wonderment on there faces; it makes me feel like I am a part of something bigger. It makes me realize that the human race is yearning to be a part of something bigger and although we indeed ARE already a part of that, it is still not enough. We are intended to be interlinking, helping, lifting, and striving to be closer to God through being closer to each other. How do you do that alone in your living room?
How do you get another's perspective when you sit on your couch and interpret the Bible from your own biases? I love church! I love God!
When we sing I can picture myself on a rope, climbing to be closer to God. And I am. I am closer to God. Every Sunday I am closer to God. Every time I sit and hash it out and figure his Word out more, I am closer to Him.
Not only to I strive for my own salvation and that of Aidans, but I also want everyone I know to feel this. I want to shake people and love them and talk about all these amazing things I'm learning and feeling! It's astounding!
That guy, Matt, I introduced you to. He used to work with me. In fact, he was my direct supervisor. He is the reason I started coming to The Stirring. It is Matt and Anna who lead the lifegroup I attend and I'm getting to know them outside the work setting and watching their growth and they are watching mine and it is REMARKABLE! It's so exciting!
I want to be a reflection. I want people to look at me and see God. I want people to look at me and become thirsty for God. I want them to ask me what I have and how they get it. I want to look at them and I want them to see all the good in themselves and I want them to want to grow in that. I want to show them where to drink to satisfy that thirst.
I want God to open my heart and replace it with His. I want him to rain his fire into my heart. I want it to drip from his finger and land on me so that I may burn for him and that firey radience will consume me. I want my touch to burn and to spread and to draw people to my light so that they may draw closer to the Lord!
I feel that since Tuesday I really am a clean slate. I truly feel forgiven for my past. I really do feel loved unconditionally by God. Since my life was spared on Tuesday I feel like I am blessed and like everything is really going to be okay. It really is.
That's how I feel about that.
Strokes On The Canvas
Strokes on the Canvas
(because "Brushes with Death" is just too cliché)
It was a dark and stormy night… ok, so it wasn't stormy, but it was dark. I was in a hurried state of mind and behind the wheel of a vehicle. Maneuvering through unfamiliar roads at about thirty-five miles per hour, I was also playing catch-up on my cell phone. I was doing everything that a twenty-nine year old knows better than to do. Irresponsibility was my middle name.
The funny thing (ha, ha) is that preceding the "accident" I was leaving my Tuesday night lifegroup. I had just gotten into a really good discussion, was frustrated that time had slipped through my fingers and I was reluctant to leave. I was pumped on learning more about God and I was filled with questions and connections!
Excitedly, I was chatting to one of my good girlfriends about life, the future, God… In my mind I was on a completely different street than that which I was actually traveling. You would think the absence of streetlights, homes, or civilization in general would have raised that internal red flag. Nope. Not stopping to breath or giving my friend a chance to get a word in edgewise I flew down that road talking a mile a minute.
"I was going to be late to get Aidan! I spent too long at my group! I gotta get there!" So peddle to metal in my little red jet.
Turns out every runway has an ending and mine ended with a deathtrap. In the pitch of night I came upon the end of the road about forty feet before it ended. The road stops with a fence. Not any ordinary ol' fence. This was intricately designed by Fortresses 'R' Us.
This fence guarded a large dirt mound topped with a fair sized boulder. With careful consideration, the creators of this fence secured it with solid wooden posts. They then threaded it with both standard chain and barbed wire, and the coup-de-gras was the steel rods that were jutting horizontally forward from the base of the fence. It was as though these rods were protecting a castle from armed intruders.
In the light of my high beams this monstrosity grew larger than life. Reactively I threw the phone to the floor, slammed my breaks, and turned that wheel as far right as it would go. Peaceful and secure in the knowledge that I was going to be okay, I was worried about wrecking my car during the skid. When it was over, my car lay stopped atop an embankment. The frame resting on the earth's peak and the wheels dangling.
Panic mixed with serenity. Is that was a true adrenaline rush feels like? Clarity and chaos? Whatever it was, I had it, and I had it bad.
I tried reversing off the embankment, and well, if there's nothing for the tires to grip, there's nowhere for the car to go. To no avail I called Matt and Anna. What was I thinking? They were leading the group, and like good leaders, they had shut off their phones. Next I call Lisa. She grabs her neighbor; her neighbor grabs his buddy and they both grab a tow chain. HALLELUJAH! RESCUED!
They show up and very carefully pull my car off the embankment. They cut all the barbed wire out from the tangled mess that it became in my undercarriage, do a once over to make sure my car is drivable and give me their blessings to drive home. I drive to Diego's place, pick up Aidan, drive home safely and go to bed a bit shaken.
Now, the ironic part is how the heck I didn't die.
Because what I didn't illustrate above are the other scenarios in which my fate could have been sealed. I will need to draw that picture now. You already have in your mind an image of the road's conclusion. Keep it there. Remember how those steel posts could have or should have punctured my car and found their way to my body. Think about how I could have been airborn off that dirt mound. Now, picture that my car actually ended up to the right of the road, up the embankment, and with my front driver's side tire just over the fence line (good thing they didn't care to fortress off the embankment!).
Now that you see in your mind's eye that my car resting next to that catastrophe of a fence, please also visualize a large, sturdy, old growth tree. As my car teetered, this tree was growing about ten feet from the passenger side door. Had I noticed the road's barrier sooner, I could have driven head first into that tree. Now, we all know that trees don't attack unprovoked and that they usually win their battles. Or, let's say for argument's sake that I noticed the road was ending even moments sooner that that, still having no time to safely come to a stop, and still skidding to the right, I would have headed face first down a steep and deep ravine. At best, a tow truck would have had to hawl out my car, at worst… well, let's not think of that.
But no. None of that happened! My car stopped on the softest and safest spot possible. My airbag didn't even deploy (is that good or bad?). Not a scratch on me. My car drove away!
This morning my tire was completely flat. A coworker came and changed it for me (I'm a single girl and no, I've never learned to change a tire). Rescued again! I'm dreading buying a new tire as I have the rest of the year budgeted and a new tire is not included in my holiday spending. I started out my day somber and my mood just plummeted to the verge of despondency… I started fishing through the glove box for my cone shaped party hat, cuz I was blasting that music at my pity party!
So later, I take my car to Northstate Wholesale Tire where I had recently purchased these bad boys, and they are able to patch the tire, put a new tube in it and charge me a grand total of $10. $10! I walked in there with a big sign above my head that said, "Cha Ching!" and instead of placing their bets, they cashed out honorably. Weights lifted off my shoulders while trumpets played in my pocketbook!
Last, and my own personal "straw that broke the camel's back," was the woman who sat in the office with me. She was in a huge hurry as she had a plane to catch in Sacramento. She was very gracious, but very assertive that her time was precious because an airline waits for no person. We both sat in that tiny, grimy office and we made small talk. She told me about her prescription glasses and why they are necessary. She educated me as to the most comfortable and fashionable brand out there. I loved it!
Well, I love listening and I love hearing people's stories. It's enthralling! So as we talked I discovered that she is a professor of psychology out at Shasta College. Now THAT is amazing!!!
I hate to jump subjects: but I feel a little background is necessary here. My undergrad was in business and human resources. I am utilizing that degree in commercial banking as a credit analyst. Back in March I went back to school for my Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology, and right now I'm taking a little break to get my own psyche and life in order so that I can tackle this endeavor with the respect and time necessary to become good at my new profession. But I worry. I worry because I went through all that work to get my degree in business and have discovered that I am completely uninspired and drained from the corporate monotony and droll that makes up each workday. Then I worry that I could make that same mistake again. I ask God for guidance and yet still feel whipped around by worry and fret.
But this was no coincidence. Did this woman really need her tires worked on so close to her traveling deadline? Did it really need to take an hour and a half to change the tube in my tire?
Do you see? Do you get this big, huge, larger-than-me picture???? Do you see it?
How many blogs have I written analyzing my life? How many times have you heard me say I am slowing down? How many times have I failed and lamented? How many times have I prayed for guidance, but how many times did I hold still long enough to listen?
Well, in that chilly dark night, stranded on a virtually uninhabited street, I bowed my head. Ok, I'm listening. What do I need to learn?
I gossip. I resent. I have trouble forgiving. I obsess about my weight. I help people and then sometimes feel begrudging about doing it. I am not as generous as I would like to think I am. I am calling my friend and asking for her generosity and that of her neighbor, while I have done minimal to help one of my girlfriends who is in dire financial straits. How have I lived my life to deserve any of this goodness and salvation from my idiocy behind the wheel? How have I represented my faith, myself, my son?
I asked. He answered. He needed to take me aside and shake me up like a parent who grabs their child when the child is not paying attention. The parent who grabs the child, shakes his shoulders and says, "listen to me or else!" and the child finally stops fidgeting long enough to listen. OK! I'm listening!
In that car I realized that while I can't help my friend financially, I have a keen business mind and as a child I grew up on Le Brun Lane. I broke the statistics. I was raised around welfare, drugies, alcoholics, I attended AA, Alanon and ACA with my mom because she couldn't afford a babysitter. I ate free lunches. We didn't have a car more often than we did. I rode public transportation. I graduated with a cumulative GPA of 4.1 from Simpson University (College). My car is paid off, I have a cute apartment, I'm climbing the ladder in business banking, and have a year left of my Master's degree. If there is anyone in this world who can teach my friend how to strap on your soldier girl boots and pull yourself out of the mire, it's me! And what do I do? I clean my apartment. Who cares if the apartment is clean while my FRIEND is suffering? Who am I?
THAT is what I was thinking as I was asking God what lesson I am to learn. I have a unique outlook on this life that very few have. I have empathy for heartbroken women, impoverished, middle class, retail workers, fast food employees, rat racers, students, single moms, alcoholics, children of alcoholics, negative self-talk, and yet… have you ever seen me without a smile? Have you ever been greeted by me without my standard, "what's up buttercup?" Have you ever wondered if it was fake, or do you feel it in your heart-of-hearts that I am filled with hope, wonder and genuine happiness?
Where is it? Where does it come from? Is THAT eschad?
Where does my strength come from? It comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth!
As I worry and doubt my path in this life He pulls me aside. While I'm listening and vulnerable He puts that woman at the tire store. When I was at my wits end, scared, alone, and dizzy with options and doubt, he reinforced me by putting the one person who could symbolize and reaffirm my path is the right one. Heck, He even saved my budget with the kindness of Don at Northstate Wholesale Tire, by giving me that tube at cost.
I am alive! My son still has his mommy! My car still runs! My tire is fixed! I know my career path and am resolute in finishing timely and with renewed vigor!
Life is good! God is good!
Let me remember this always.
When I start taking life for granted let the hologram of the treacherous fence dance in front of my eyes to remind me of my good fortune.
Let me not forget how deep God's grace runs in my life.
Let me remember that He smiled on me as He erased from my memory the accident of 07/00 that left me hospitalized for six days and with this hardware in my leg (other guy's fault that time!),
and let me preserve this memory of his saving grace last night.
The end.
(because "Brushes with Death" is just too cliché)
It was a dark and stormy night… ok, so it wasn't stormy, but it was dark. I was in a hurried state of mind and behind the wheel of a vehicle. Maneuvering through unfamiliar roads at about thirty-five miles per hour, I was also playing catch-up on my cell phone. I was doing everything that a twenty-nine year old knows better than to do. Irresponsibility was my middle name.
The funny thing (ha, ha) is that preceding the "accident" I was leaving my Tuesday night lifegroup. I had just gotten into a really good discussion, was frustrated that time had slipped through my fingers and I was reluctant to leave. I was pumped on learning more about God and I was filled with questions and connections!
Excitedly, I was chatting to one of my good girlfriends about life, the future, God… In my mind I was on a completely different street than that which I was actually traveling. You would think the absence of streetlights, homes, or civilization in general would have raised that internal red flag. Nope. Not stopping to breath or giving my friend a chance to get a word in edgewise I flew down that road talking a mile a minute.
"I was going to be late to get Aidan! I spent too long at my group! I gotta get there!" So peddle to metal in my little red jet.
Turns out every runway has an ending and mine ended with a deathtrap. In the pitch of night I came upon the end of the road about forty feet before it ended. The road stops with a fence. Not any ordinary ol' fence. This was intricately designed by Fortresses 'R' Us.
This fence guarded a large dirt mound topped with a fair sized boulder. With careful consideration, the creators of this fence secured it with solid wooden posts. They then threaded it with both standard chain and barbed wire, and the coup-de-gras was the steel rods that were jutting horizontally forward from the base of the fence. It was as though these rods were protecting a castle from armed intruders.
In the light of my high beams this monstrosity grew larger than life. Reactively I threw the phone to the floor, slammed my breaks, and turned that wheel as far right as it would go. Peaceful and secure in the knowledge that I was going to be okay, I was worried about wrecking my car during the skid. When it was over, my car lay stopped atop an embankment. The frame resting on the earth's peak and the wheels dangling.
Panic mixed with serenity. Is that was a true adrenaline rush feels like? Clarity and chaos? Whatever it was, I had it, and I had it bad.
I tried reversing off the embankment, and well, if there's nothing for the tires to grip, there's nowhere for the car to go. To no avail I called Matt and Anna. What was I thinking? They were leading the group, and like good leaders, they had shut off their phones. Next I call Lisa. She grabs her neighbor; her neighbor grabs his buddy and they both grab a tow chain. HALLELUJAH! RESCUED!
They show up and very carefully pull my car off the embankment. They cut all the barbed wire out from the tangled mess that it became in my undercarriage, do a once over to make sure my car is drivable and give me their blessings to drive home. I drive to Diego's place, pick up Aidan, drive home safely and go to bed a bit shaken.
Now, the ironic part is how the heck I didn't die.
Because what I didn't illustrate above are the other scenarios in which my fate could have been sealed. I will need to draw that picture now. You already have in your mind an image of the road's conclusion. Keep it there. Remember how those steel posts could have or should have punctured my car and found their way to my body. Think about how I could have been airborn off that dirt mound. Now, picture that my car actually ended up to the right of the road, up the embankment, and with my front driver's side tire just over the fence line (good thing they didn't care to fortress off the embankment!).
Now that you see in your mind's eye that my car resting next to that catastrophe of a fence, please also visualize a large, sturdy, old growth tree. As my car teetered, this tree was growing about ten feet from the passenger side door. Had I noticed the road's barrier sooner, I could have driven head first into that tree. Now, we all know that trees don't attack unprovoked and that they usually win their battles. Or, let's say for argument's sake that I noticed the road was ending even moments sooner that that, still having no time to safely come to a stop, and still skidding to the right, I would have headed face first down a steep and deep ravine. At best, a tow truck would have had to hawl out my car, at worst… well, let's not think of that.
But no. None of that happened! My car stopped on the softest and safest spot possible. My airbag didn't even deploy (is that good or bad?). Not a scratch on me. My car drove away!
This morning my tire was completely flat. A coworker came and changed it for me (I'm a single girl and no, I've never learned to change a tire). Rescued again! I'm dreading buying a new tire as I have the rest of the year budgeted and a new tire is not included in my holiday spending. I started out my day somber and my mood just plummeted to the verge of despondency… I started fishing through the glove box for my cone shaped party hat, cuz I was blasting that music at my pity party!
So later, I take my car to Northstate Wholesale Tire where I had recently purchased these bad boys, and they are able to patch the tire, put a new tube in it and charge me a grand total of $10. $10! I walked in there with a big sign above my head that said, "Cha Ching!" and instead of placing their bets, they cashed out honorably. Weights lifted off my shoulders while trumpets played in my pocketbook!
Last, and my own personal "straw that broke the camel's back," was the woman who sat in the office with me. She was in a huge hurry as she had a plane to catch in Sacramento. She was very gracious, but very assertive that her time was precious because an airline waits for no person. We both sat in that tiny, grimy office and we made small talk. She told me about her prescription glasses and why they are necessary. She educated me as to the most comfortable and fashionable brand out there. I loved it!
Well, I love listening and I love hearing people's stories. It's enthralling! So as we talked I discovered that she is a professor of psychology out at Shasta College. Now THAT is amazing!!!
I hate to jump subjects: but I feel a little background is necessary here. My undergrad was in business and human resources. I am utilizing that degree in commercial banking as a credit analyst. Back in March I went back to school for my Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology, and right now I'm taking a little break to get my own psyche and life in order so that I can tackle this endeavor with the respect and time necessary to become good at my new profession. But I worry. I worry because I went through all that work to get my degree in business and have discovered that I am completely uninspired and drained from the corporate monotony and droll that makes up each workday. Then I worry that I could make that same mistake again. I ask God for guidance and yet still feel whipped around by worry and fret.
But this was no coincidence. Did this woman really need her tires worked on so close to her traveling deadline? Did it really need to take an hour and a half to change the tube in my tire?
Do you see? Do you get this big, huge, larger-than-me picture???? Do you see it?
How many blogs have I written analyzing my life? How many times have you heard me say I am slowing down? How many times have I failed and lamented? How many times have I prayed for guidance, but how many times did I hold still long enough to listen?
Well, in that chilly dark night, stranded on a virtually uninhabited street, I bowed my head. Ok, I'm listening. What do I need to learn?
I gossip. I resent. I have trouble forgiving. I obsess about my weight. I help people and then sometimes feel begrudging about doing it. I am not as generous as I would like to think I am. I am calling my friend and asking for her generosity and that of her neighbor, while I have done minimal to help one of my girlfriends who is in dire financial straits. How have I lived my life to deserve any of this goodness and salvation from my idiocy behind the wheel? How have I represented my faith, myself, my son?
I asked. He answered. He needed to take me aside and shake me up like a parent who grabs their child when the child is not paying attention. The parent who grabs the child, shakes his shoulders and says, "listen to me or else!" and the child finally stops fidgeting long enough to listen. OK! I'm listening!
In that car I realized that while I can't help my friend financially, I have a keen business mind and as a child I grew up on Le Brun Lane. I broke the statistics. I was raised around welfare, drugies, alcoholics, I attended AA, Alanon and ACA with my mom because she couldn't afford a babysitter. I ate free lunches. We didn't have a car more often than we did. I rode public transportation. I graduated with a cumulative GPA of 4.1 from Simpson University (College). My car is paid off, I have a cute apartment, I'm climbing the ladder in business banking, and have a year left of my Master's degree. If there is anyone in this world who can teach my friend how to strap on your soldier girl boots and pull yourself out of the mire, it's me! And what do I do? I clean my apartment. Who cares if the apartment is clean while my FRIEND is suffering? Who am I?
THAT is what I was thinking as I was asking God what lesson I am to learn. I have a unique outlook on this life that very few have. I have empathy for heartbroken women, impoverished, middle class, retail workers, fast food employees, rat racers, students, single moms, alcoholics, children of alcoholics, negative self-talk, and yet… have you ever seen me without a smile? Have you ever been greeted by me without my standard, "what's up buttercup?" Have you ever wondered if it was fake, or do you feel it in your heart-of-hearts that I am filled with hope, wonder and genuine happiness?
Where is it? Where does it come from? Is THAT eschad?
Where does my strength come from? It comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth!
As I worry and doubt my path in this life He pulls me aside. While I'm listening and vulnerable He puts that woman at the tire store. When I was at my wits end, scared, alone, and dizzy with options and doubt, he reinforced me by putting the one person who could symbolize and reaffirm my path is the right one. Heck, He even saved my budget with the kindness of Don at Northstate Wholesale Tire, by giving me that tube at cost.
I am alive! My son still has his mommy! My car still runs! My tire is fixed! I know my career path and am resolute in finishing timely and with renewed vigor!
Life is good! God is good!
Let me remember this always.
When I start taking life for granted let the hologram of the treacherous fence dance in front of my eyes to remind me of my good fortune.
Let me not forget how deep God's grace runs in my life.
Let me remember that He smiled on me as He erased from my memory the accident of 07/00 that left me hospitalized for six days and with this hardware in my leg (other guy's fault that time!),
and let me preserve this memory of his saving grace last night.
The end.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
...today...
10-6-07
Today is my wedding day. Today I put on my dress and walk down the aisle to marry Mr. Valenzuela. Today I stand in front of friends and family and knowingly bind myself to an alcoholic with severe insecurity issues. The marriage wouldn't have helped if the engagement didn't. He would have just felt more secure in his shenanigans.
Nothing would have changed. Nothing would have been alleviated. If anything, it would have worsened because both he and I would have claimed that I knew what I was getting myself into. Thereby absolving him of any wrongdoing. I would have wasted all that money and time on a marriage that would have ended in divorce.
I hate him. He is evil to me. He manipulates words, actions and events so that I am ugly. I hate the me he reflects in his eyes. I hate the me that he beholds. I hate how he thinks I'm so pliable. I hate how pliable I become to please him and how disgusted he is by it.
I love my strength. I love that I was flailing through an abyss of confusion, false/forced love and projected inner turmoil. I love that I was slowly, horizontally sinking in a black tar. I love that the tar was clinging to my skin and working into my core. I love that the palpable degradation of innocence was throwing itself at my feet.
And mostly,
I love my biceps. I love my strong legs. I love my heart that knows how to love while also knows how to say, "enough is enough." I love the me who is reflected through my own eyes. I love the me who is reflected in the eyes of my friends. I love the me who is a child of God and knows how to both be strong as stone and tender as a caress.
I do not hate him. I love him. I love the lessons I learned because of him. I love my empathy and the access to a sisterhood I never knew before. A sisterhood of scars and strength. A sisterhood encompassing the compassion of resilience, of helping hands and silent understanding. A sisterhood that permanently cements existing bonds and opens your eyes to the radiance of the sisters standing before you. I love him for that.
I love him, because if I had not loved him, I would not have challenged myself to become who I can be, who I will be, who I am on my way to becoming and who I am now. I love him because he saw things in me that I was too scared to see in myself. I love him because he had faith in me when I had none, and I love him because he too is a child of God and the man with whom I was once going to spend my life. But I do not love him enough. I do not love him enough to sacrifice my soul and myself. I do not.
Today was my wedding day. Today I will celebrate. Today is a new day. Today I am healthy and loved. Today I am confident and beautiful. Today I am strong. Today I walk on solid ground. Today I sing.
Today is my wedding day. Today I put on my dress and walk down the aisle to marry Mr. Valenzuela. Today I stand in front of friends and family and knowingly bind myself to an alcoholic with severe insecurity issues. The marriage wouldn't have helped if the engagement didn't. He would have just felt more secure in his shenanigans.
Nothing would have changed. Nothing would have been alleviated. If anything, it would have worsened because both he and I would have claimed that I knew what I was getting myself into. Thereby absolving him of any wrongdoing. I would have wasted all that money and time on a marriage that would have ended in divorce.
I hate him. He is evil to me. He manipulates words, actions and events so that I am ugly. I hate the me he reflects in his eyes. I hate the me that he beholds. I hate how he thinks I'm so pliable. I hate how pliable I become to please him and how disgusted he is by it.
I love my strength. I love that I was flailing through an abyss of confusion, false/forced love and projected inner turmoil. I love that I was slowly, horizontally sinking in a black tar. I love that the tar was clinging to my skin and working into my core. I love that the palpable degradation of innocence was throwing itself at my feet.
And mostly,
I love my biceps. I love my strong legs. I love my heart that knows how to love while also knows how to say, "enough is enough." I love the me who is reflected through my own eyes. I love the me who is reflected in the eyes of my friends. I love the me who is a child of God and knows how to both be strong as stone and tender as a caress.
I do not hate him. I love him. I love the lessons I learned because of him. I love my empathy and the access to a sisterhood I never knew before. A sisterhood of scars and strength. A sisterhood encompassing the compassion of resilience, of helping hands and silent understanding. A sisterhood that permanently cements existing bonds and opens your eyes to the radiance of the sisters standing before you. I love him for that.
I love him, because if I had not loved him, I would not have challenged myself to become who I can be, who I will be, who I am on my way to becoming and who I am now. I love him because he saw things in me that I was too scared to see in myself. I love him because he had faith in me when I had none, and I love him because he too is a child of God and the man with whom I was once going to spend my life. But I do not love him enough. I do not love him enough to sacrifice my soul and myself. I do not.
Today was my wedding day. Today I will celebrate. Today is a new day. Today I am healthy and loved. Today I am confident and beautiful. Today I am strong. Today I walk on solid ground. Today I sing.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Your Wedding
Last week I was talking to one of my girlfriends and we were exchanging life stories, she made me stop mid-story and she said, "you are Amazing! Do you know that?"
And you know what I just realized? Someday, I want a man who looks at me and thinks, "Wow, she's amazing." And I want to be able to look at him and think, "Wow, he is really amazing." I guess mutual appreciation for our amazingness.
And that's how I know that I thwarted making the biggest mistake of my life. That is how I know that your wedding on Saturday was meant for you and not for me. I was not intended to be the bride on Oct. 6th because when I think about that man, I do not think to myself about how amazing he is… and I want to love the amazingness of the man I'm marrying…
Amazing doesn't mean perfect. I'm not so foolhardy as to look for "the perfect man." In fact, I'm not so foolhardy as to look. The amazingness in me is that I know that I have always been, can be, and am my own "rock." I have proven that with steadfast determination. I have plowed forward through so many hardships in this life. Never has my path been one on which I had envisioned myself traveling, but always I have come through better off for my journey (usually with a couple bumps and bruises that eventually heal).
Nope, that fella didn't see any amazingness in me for he was so busy concerning himself with none other than himself. I saw and loved him for all his amazingness while love blinded me to his turned head. So that now, with bright eyes and a clear head I can see him for his corruption and black-heartedness.
Now and then, though, I do miss that naïve devotion I felt. I miss giving the unconditional love and the misperception of receiving it in return. Those moments are fleeting and I'm sure that once I make it through this landmark of 10-6-07. Once I don't get married on that day, but instead celebrate the true love shared between my friend and her soul mate, I will step forward into a new age of Jessie.
All this 'building' has prepared me for that, and although I've been forlorn (and probably will continue) at the thought of my impending wedding date passing me by with no flowers, no vows, no husband. The idea of tragedy that watching another woman marry on the day I was supposed to darn my wedding dress might stir emotions in my heart- but it is the sentiment, the IDEA of it all that stirs me, not the ACTUAL loss.
And so I am delighted and overjoyed to celebrate the commencement of your married life! I am thoroughly honored that you would ask that I be witness to the binding of your love! I am so excited to spend my Saturday evening as a part of your most beloved friends and family! You are such a wonderful friend and your groom compliments your uniqueness so perfectly that it gives me hope that someday, like you, I will find my compliment (no hurries though! Yikes!).
And you know what I just realized? Someday, I want a man who looks at me and thinks, "Wow, she's amazing." And I want to be able to look at him and think, "Wow, he is really amazing." I guess mutual appreciation for our amazingness.
And that's how I know that I thwarted making the biggest mistake of my life. That is how I know that your wedding on Saturday was meant for you and not for me. I was not intended to be the bride on Oct. 6th because when I think about that man, I do not think to myself about how amazing he is… and I want to love the amazingness of the man I'm marrying…
Amazing doesn't mean perfect. I'm not so foolhardy as to look for "the perfect man." In fact, I'm not so foolhardy as to look. The amazingness in me is that I know that I have always been, can be, and am my own "rock." I have proven that with steadfast determination. I have plowed forward through so many hardships in this life. Never has my path been one on which I had envisioned myself traveling, but always I have come through better off for my journey (usually with a couple bumps and bruises that eventually heal).
Nope, that fella didn't see any amazingness in me for he was so busy concerning himself with none other than himself. I saw and loved him for all his amazingness while love blinded me to his turned head. So that now, with bright eyes and a clear head I can see him for his corruption and black-heartedness.
Now and then, though, I do miss that naïve devotion I felt. I miss giving the unconditional love and the misperception of receiving it in return. Those moments are fleeting and I'm sure that once I make it through this landmark of 10-6-07. Once I don't get married on that day, but instead celebrate the true love shared between my friend and her soul mate, I will step forward into a new age of Jessie.
All this 'building' has prepared me for that, and although I've been forlorn (and probably will continue) at the thought of my impending wedding date passing me by with no flowers, no vows, no husband. The idea of tragedy that watching another woman marry on the day I was supposed to darn my wedding dress might stir emotions in my heart- but it is the sentiment, the IDEA of it all that stirs me, not the ACTUAL loss.
And so I am delighted and overjoyed to celebrate the commencement of your married life! I am thoroughly honored that you would ask that I be witness to the binding of your love! I am so excited to spend my Saturday evening as a part of your most beloved friends and family! You are such a wonderful friend and your groom compliments your uniqueness so perfectly that it gives me hope that someday, like you, I will find my compliment (no hurries though! Yikes!).
Monday, September 24, 2007
I am Jessie
Something inside me is burning. It's welling up and it's forcing its way out. Out of my heart, out of my mind, out of my soul; it consumes me. Through my fingers and from my tongue it spills. It is toxic. It is killing me. It is killing the self-defeating me. It is inspiring me. It is working itself around in my veins. It is lovingly purging the ghetto of my mind, it is repainting and repairing. There is no where to run; no where to hide. But in all its glory it pulls me from the shadows and allows me to bask in its truth. In all its love it burns me from the inside-out. It seeps from my skin, smelling sweetly. It is not me... and yet... it is the essence of who I am. And I am Jessie.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Nappy 'Nawers Club-O-Rama
So in a fit of inspiration my muse and I have come up with a new diet. It's not a "diet-diet," but a way of life. In fact, if our hypotheses are correct, we could market this new-fangled idea and become MILLIONAIRES!
No, it's not Debbie Dallas' Daily Diet Diary, which was my freshman attempt of diet interventions- (that one resulted in severe hospitalization for poor Debbie… malnutrition).
Have you ever wondered why rabbits have such strong and healthy teeth? Have you ever seen an obese bunny with a burger in its mouth? Have you ever been hopping down your bunny trail and gotten a hankering for a cold, crisp, chuck of celery? Well, my friend, you're in for a treat! A diet to satisfy not only your comestible longings, but also those daydreams of your dentist and gastrointestinologist!
Finally, you CAN please all the people all the time!
Based upon many thoroughly researched theoretical articles in highly respected literary publications such as US Weekly, Star, People, and Teen Beat, it has come to our attention that celery is a negative calorie food. In fact, according to Dallas, D. (1996) your body burns five calories for each stalk of celery consumed.
WoW! A five-calorie deficit by EATING! Generally accepted principle assumes that in order to lose one pound a week, an individual must burn 3500 calories more than she consumes. That's it!!! So when we do the simple math, that's only 700 stalks of celery a week. Averaged out among a six day dieting week (cheat-day will be discussed further), that's 116.6 stalks a day, or 6 stalk an hour *assuming that our dieter is sleeping eight hours a night. And who can't do a stalk in ten minutes, every waking hour, when they don't need to set aside time to exercise? It's so totally doable!
Throw away those sneakers, drive your happy arse to the grocery store and pick up a case o' celery! Not only is this figure friendly and efficient, but your pocketbook is happy too: No gym membership, no expensive grocery bills on fancy foods, and celery is only 32 cents per head! It's win/win!
So knaw away, my friends, knaw away.
Six days a week, that's all you commit to, that's all it takes. And on your seventh day, on that day, it's pure heaven. Add carrots, add cukes, heck, go crazy and throw in a tomato! But only one, you don't want to lose a whole week's worth of work, let's not go overboard meow- show some self control.
Benies of The Diet to End All Diets:
ø Never at a loss for floss!
ø Tough bleeding gums that can handle even the dentist from Little Shop of Horrors.
ø Have you ever met an "irregular" vegan?
ø You're sure to get in your FDA recommended five-a-day.
ø You are what you eat, and celery is skinny!
ø No need for olestra!
We may be the masterminds behind this diet, but Nicole Richie is our "unofficial" spokeswoman and chairman of the Nappy 'Nawers fan club.
Should you choose to participate in this revolutionary lifestyle, we implore you to post your success stories- including before and after photos.
~The Darling One & Purple P*cess
No, it's not Debbie Dallas' Daily Diet Diary, which was my freshman attempt of diet interventions- (that one resulted in severe hospitalization for poor Debbie… malnutrition).
Have you ever wondered why rabbits have such strong and healthy teeth? Have you ever seen an obese bunny with a burger in its mouth? Have you ever been hopping down your bunny trail and gotten a hankering for a cold, crisp, chuck of celery? Well, my friend, you're in for a treat! A diet to satisfy not only your comestible longings, but also those daydreams of your dentist and gastrointestinologist!
Finally, you CAN please all the people all the time!
Based upon many thoroughly researched theoretical articles in highly respected literary publications such as US Weekly, Star, People, and Teen Beat, it has come to our attention that celery is a negative calorie food. In fact, according to Dallas, D. (1996) your body burns five calories for each stalk of celery consumed.
WoW! A five-calorie deficit by EATING! Generally accepted principle assumes that in order to lose one pound a week, an individual must burn 3500 calories more than she consumes. That's it!!! So when we do the simple math, that's only 700 stalks of celery a week. Averaged out among a six day dieting week (cheat-day will be discussed further), that's 116.6 stalks a day, or 6 stalk an hour *assuming that our dieter is sleeping eight hours a night. And who can't do a stalk in ten minutes, every waking hour, when they don't need to set aside time to exercise? It's so totally doable!
Throw away those sneakers, drive your happy arse to the grocery store and pick up a case o' celery! Not only is this figure friendly and efficient, but your pocketbook is happy too: No gym membership, no expensive grocery bills on fancy foods, and celery is only 32 cents per head! It's win/win!
So knaw away, my friends, knaw away.
Six days a week, that's all you commit to, that's all it takes. And on your seventh day, on that day, it's pure heaven. Add carrots, add cukes, heck, go crazy and throw in a tomato! But only one, you don't want to lose a whole week's worth of work, let's not go overboard meow- show some self control.
Benies of The Diet to End All Diets:
ø Never at a loss for floss!
ø Tough bleeding gums that can handle even the dentist from Little Shop of Horrors.
ø Have you ever met an "irregular" vegan?
ø You're sure to get in your FDA recommended five-a-day.
ø You are what you eat, and celery is skinny!
ø No need for olestra!
We may be the masterminds behind this diet, but Nicole Richie is our "unofficial" spokeswoman and chairman of the Nappy 'Nawers fan club.
Should you choose to participate in this revolutionary lifestyle, we implore you to post your success stories- including before and after photos.
~The Darling One & Purple P*cess
Friday, September 7, 2007
Song of the Siren
song of the siren
I just never know when the mood is going to strike. I can't call upon it like a Greek calls upon his gods, but now and then a bit of ambrosia drops down and blesses my mind and tongue.
Today is such a day!
Oh glorious day!
It is such a sweet escape from the work day to be able to feel the drip-dropping on my mind. Numbers float in front of me; they swim in the back of my mind, and deadlines hover over me menacingly. While I feel the breath of the boss on my neck and the ceaseless pleading inquiries from my cohort I can sometimes immerse myself in the words on the page. If there is nothing to dive into, nothing to read, then I create something.
Emails. Letters. Stories. Thoughts. Words. MUSIC!
So Melissa and I were reading this article about how today's single women are becoming fembots. Female robots. Women who date not to find Mr. Right, but because dating is fun. Women who are strong and confident. Women who have interests and friendships and who don't need to be in relationships to make them happy. Women who are not afraid to ask a man out on a date and then pay (and then not call later). Women are becoming as cavalier about dating as men are! And so that was my inspiration.
As we sent little emails back and forth today with a little fembot joke here and there. Tales telling of a recent date one of us went on we realized, oh my god, we're turning into fembots.
At first we thought, oh no! There goes our naivite! There go those dreams and hopes of "happy ever after." There go surprises and the feelings of excitement before a date. There go all the things we know as we turn into these robotic women who are untouchable and heartless.
NO! Our fears materialize!
Dread fills our hearts!
And then
An awakening
An inkling
A taste
Of the freedom and happiness of the fembot.
We have not lost that which made us who we are. We are still loving and lovable. We are just less vulnerable. We are just in control. We are women. All woman.
We are temptresses. We are sirens as we sing our songs without fear of the pain that comes from those shipwrecked sailors' words and promises. We are sirens who sing in the joy of our bodies and the sun and the surf and the life that is OURS.
We are temptresses. We can enchant as we sashay across the dance floor without regard to any of the hungry eyes following our movements. We care not about the wolves for we are not prey. We do not fear their growl, we do not cower as they crouch for the pounce. We smile. Our eyes stop them in their tracks.
We are temptresses. We don't play the game like you want us to play it. We don't have to. We don't want to. We live in our own skins. We dance in our own bodies. We swim naked through the crowds as we have nothing to hide and everything to give. We don't hide behind veils of pretenses; we don't laugh at the inadequacies of others.
We don't run, but we don't settle. We know our boundaries and we know that sometimes it is thrilling to cross them. So wild we run. Not away do we run, nor do we run toward anything. We just run.
Someday, we will have someone strong enough to run with each of us.
Someday, someone will come along who is willing to love and accept us and will chase us while we chase them back.
Someday, one person will hear the song of this siren. Someday, I will tempt only he who has proven his worth. For a siren is strong and stubborn, but oh so worth it.
I just never know when the mood is going to strike. I can't call upon it like a Greek calls upon his gods, but now and then a bit of ambrosia drops down and blesses my mind and tongue.
Today is such a day!
Oh glorious day!
It is such a sweet escape from the work day to be able to feel the drip-dropping on my mind. Numbers float in front of me; they swim in the back of my mind, and deadlines hover over me menacingly. While I feel the breath of the boss on my neck and the ceaseless pleading inquiries from my cohort I can sometimes immerse myself in the words on the page. If there is nothing to dive into, nothing to read, then I create something.
Emails. Letters. Stories. Thoughts. Words. MUSIC!
So Melissa and I were reading this article about how today's single women are becoming fembots. Female robots. Women who date not to find Mr. Right, but because dating is fun. Women who are strong and confident. Women who have interests and friendships and who don't need to be in relationships to make them happy. Women who are not afraid to ask a man out on a date and then pay (and then not call later). Women are becoming as cavalier about dating as men are! And so that was my inspiration.
As we sent little emails back and forth today with a little fembot joke here and there. Tales telling of a recent date one of us went on we realized, oh my god, we're turning into fembots.
At first we thought, oh no! There goes our naivite! There go those dreams and hopes of "happy ever after." There go surprises and the feelings of excitement before a date. There go all the things we know as we turn into these robotic women who are untouchable and heartless.
NO! Our fears materialize!
Dread fills our hearts!
And then
An awakening
An inkling
A taste
Of the freedom and happiness of the fembot.
We have not lost that which made us who we are. We are still loving and lovable. We are just less vulnerable. We are just in control. We are women. All woman.
We are temptresses. We are sirens as we sing our songs without fear of the pain that comes from those shipwrecked sailors' words and promises. We are sirens who sing in the joy of our bodies and the sun and the surf and the life that is OURS.
We are temptresses. We can enchant as we sashay across the dance floor without regard to any of the hungry eyes following our movements. We care not about the wolves for we are not prey. We do not fear their growl, we do not cower as they crouch for the pounce. We smile. Our eyes stop them in their tracks.
We are temptresses. We don't play the game like you want us to play it. We don't have to. We don't want to. We live in our own skins. We dance in our own bodies. We swim naked through the crowds as we have nothing to hide and everything to give. We don't hide behind veils of pretenses; we don't laugh at the inadequacies of others.
We don't run, but we don't settle. We know our boundaries and we know that sometimes it is thrilling to cross them. So wild we run. Not away do we run, nor do we run toward anything. We just run.
Someday, we will have someone strong enough to run with each of us.
Someday, someone will come along who is willing to love and accept us and will chase us while we chase them back.
Someday, one person will hear the song of this siren. Someday, I will tempt only he who has proven his worth. For a siren is strong and stubborn, but oh so worth it.
Fembot
Fembot!
I think I like Fembot me.
I like her because she could care less, but doesn't.
Fembot Me is cool and collected.
Fembot Me is just above callous and just below conservative.
This new amalgam of Jessie, Jessica, and Fembot
This assimilation of old and new, a funky twist, a psychedelic becoming.
It's a topsy- turvy turning, spiraling together innocence and desire.
It's the kind of sex that radiates from your skin without giving in.
Carnal desires exude from this Fembot.
Promising
Luring
Taunting
Seducing
Giving in… rarely.
I think I like Fembot Me.
Fembot!
I think I like Fembot me.
I like her because she could care less, but doesn't.
Fembot Me is cool and collected.
Fembot Me is just above callous and just below conservative.
This new amalgam of Jessie, Jessica, and Fembot
This assimilation of old and new, a funky twist, a psychedelic becoming.
It's a topsy- turvy turning, spiraling together innocence and desire.
It's the kind of sex that radiates from your skin without giving in.
Carnal desires exude from this Fembot.
Promising
Luring
Taunting
Seducing
Giving in… rarely.
I think I like Fembot Me.
Fembot!
Monday, September 3, 2007
A Jabez Weekend
Wow!
What an incredible weekend! It started out so haphazard and you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20.
Let me start back, wayyyy back…
June, my mom was going to come visit. She flaked
July, my mom was flying me out to visit. She flaked.
August, my mom was going go come visit. Guess what? She flaked.
So I'm feeling a little sensitive about it…
With everything happening in my life already, I also have a long-lost sister in Albany Oregon who's oldest daughter is getting married. I've told her that I would come to visit and attend the wedding. As the date draws nearer and the stress of life piles higher on my shoulders, dread of the long lonely drive north creeps in and threatens my sanity.
Hallelujah!
My little sister Jennifer and her mom, Esther, decide to make that trek from Modesto and pick my up along the way.
My heart SORES!
I have NEVER gotten a chance to have girl-time with my younger and longer-loster sister and now I get to have a 6-hour drive each way!!! Just the three of us girls!!! My dream come true! Now I know that all my impending deadlines at work and out of it can be met because I am now refreshed in the knowledge of my upcoming girl-time.
Alas, Friday comes, and guess what…
They cancel.
yep.
I actually had to take an early lunch because now I have inconsistency coming at me from both sides of my family. Maybe it was the culmination of the stress of late and the flakiness of my mom. But I actually cried a little over it. Yeah, I threw myself a pity-party and invited me to come as the guest of honor.
Okayyyyyy, so now the background is done…. Here's the story….
I head north and stay the night in Medford with Karen, Brad and the kids. Kare Bear and I stayed up visiting 'til 1:30, when we reluctantly went to bed. The next morning I finished my drive, attended the wedding, went to bed, etc.
Had Jennifer and Esther gone with me we would have turned around and left the following day (Sunday). Since they stayed behind, I stayed an extra day. Sunday afternoon my sister, Melinda, tells me to read this book called The Prayer of Jabez. I try to start it twice, but get distracted by the kids and my dire need for a nap! Priorities right? Sleep!
So then that night I read a couple pages.
Then awoke at 4:00am thinking, "I've got to finish that book." My eyes were bleary and I was sooooo tired. So I put the book down and rolled over.
Next, I awoke at 6:00am thinking, "I've got to finish that book." My eyes were bleary and I was sooooo tired. So I put the book down and rolled over.
Finally, I awoke at 7:00am thinking, "I've got to finish that book..." and then, "FINE GOD! I'll finish that darn book if You think it's so important!" And so I finished it. And then I prayed.
Aidan and I got in the car at 8am and after random incidental stops, we were on the road by 8:30. I was stressing out because I had a plan and didn't know if I could or should carry it out. See, Aidan's paternal great-grandmother lives in Eugene (just thirty minutes south of Albany) and I wanted Aidan to have the opportunity to see her.
All I could think was:
"I divorced myself out of this family."
"It's 8:30am, no one will be up."
"I would have to call Aidan's grandmother to get the number."
"I can't pop in with thirty-minutes announcement."
"Will Diego and Kristy get upset?"
"How is she going to act being that I'm the ex-wife of her grandson?"
But still, I just couldn't be all the way up there and not give it the good ol' college try, since she is super old and you never know how long you have 'til The Big Guy calls ya home. What if this is Aidan's last opportunity? So nervously I do it. I call Ann, my ex-mother-in-law. She is happy to hear from me! Really? AWESOME! She gives the the phone number and driving instructions to the house. I call Grandmommy (the great-grandma's name) and request to come over.
It turns out not only is Grandmommy happy to have us stop by, but Aidan's great-uncle Mike from Portland, great-uncle Pat from Tucson (who hadn't been up in a decade) & second-cousin Psalm is there! Aidan got to meet family he hadn't ever met before and some he hadn't seen since he was two (does that even count?). He got to see Psalm's children and we got to see that bashfulness is definitely a genetic trait. Wow! What an opportunity!
What if I had just driven right past Eugene?
What if I had let my fear and pride win?
How awesome for Aidan! How awesome that he is old enough to remember that forgever!
So I was already in awe before I got there. I'm in awe and I can see that this is more than cosmic karma... Then it just keeps going...
Somehow along the way of conversation it was mentioned within those two hours that Aidan and I have been attending church regularly. Uncle Pat asks where we fellowship, and I tell him about The Stirring (www.thestirring.org). Then I tell him about how I believe that everything up to now was devinely intended.
(before I go on- a recap) had Esther & Jenn come, I wouldn't have read The Prayer of Jabez (1 Corinthians 4:9, 10) because we would have left before Melinda had me read it. Had they come we would not have stopped in Eugene. Had they come, my poor stressed out Melinda (mother-of-the-bride) would have not had the energy to have quality time with either of her sisters.
NOW, as I'm telling this to uncle Pat, his wife gets up and leaves the room. When she returns she tells me this story:
The night before she had gone to the store for family movie snacks. She saw this book and felt compelled to buy it. "I already have it" she thought, and put it down. She still had to buy it, and so she did. After hearing my chain of events she went and got it. It's the next book after The Prayer of Jabez (loosely, it's sequal) called A life God Rewards: Why Everything You Do Today Matters Forever and so she inscribed on the first page and gave it to me as she felt I was the reason she bought a book she already owned.
I guess WE had an appointment...
GOD IS AWESOME!
What a chain!
While I'm feeling sorrowful that both sides of my family are canceling on me; while I'm throwing my pity-party thinking about how I spend every holiday either alone or as a guest in a friend's home; while I'm just despondent, dejected and just plain down God brings these events so that He can:
A) Show me that He has a greater plan.
B) Show me love:
a. Karen and her family loved on me (Saturday KareBear also felt compelled to leave me a voice mail telling me I was missed and how inspiring I am with my strength, courage, kind-heart, etc).
b. My sister and her entire maternal side of the family folded me into their arms. Her mom sat with me at the reception, her sister hung out with me and I got to love on her babies. Her daughter was my shadow. My sister and her husband were my friends and supporters.
c. My ex-husband's family made me feel welcome and loved. More welcome and loved than I felt when I was a part of the family in the first place! They loved all over Aidan and told stories that I can remind Aidan of later and even included me in a photo when I was perfectly happy with exclusion.
This is way too much in one weekend to be mere coincidence. This is a testament to GOD!
HE is so good!!!!
What an incredible weekend! It started out so haphazard and you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20.
Let me start back, wayyyy back…
June, my mom was going to come visit. She flaked
July, my mom was flying me out to visit. She flaked.
August, my mom was going go come visit. Guess what? She flaked.
So I'm feeling a little sensitive about it…
With everything happening in my life already, I also have a long-lost sister in Albany Oregon who's oldest daughter is getting married. I've told her that I would come to visit and attend the wedding. As the date draws nearer and the stress of life piles higher on my shoulders, dread of the long lonely drive north creeps in and threatens my sanity.
Hallelujah!
My little sister Jennifer and her mom, Esther, decide to make that trek from Modesto and pick my up along the way.
My heart SORES!
I have NEVER gotten a chance to have girl-time with my younger and longer-loster sister and now I get to have a 6-hour drive each way!!! Just the three of us girls!!! My dream come true! Now I know that all my impending deadlines at work and out of it can be met because I am now refreshed in the knowledge of my upcoming girl-time.
Alas, Friday comes, and guess what…
They cancel.
yep.
I actually had to take an early lunch because now I have inconsistency coming at me from both sides of my family. Maybe it was the culmination of the stress of late and the flakiness of my mom. But I actually cried a little over it. Yeah, I threw myself a pity-party and invited me to come as the guest of honor.
Okayyyyyy, so now the background is done…. Here's the story….
I head north and stay the night in Medford with Karen, Brad and the kids. Kare Bear and I stayed up visiting 'til 1:30, when we reluctantly went to bed. The next morning I finished my drive, attended the wedding, went to bed, etc.
Had Jennifer and Esther gone with me we would have turned around and left the following day (Sunday). Since they stayed behind, I stayed an extra day. Sunday afternoon my sister, Melinda, tells me to read this book called The Prayer of Jabez. I try to start it twice, but get distracted by the kids and my dire need for a nap! Priorities right? Sleep!
So then that night I read a couple pages.
Then awoke at 4:00am thinking, "I've got to finish that book." My eyes were bleary and I was sooooo tired. So I put the book down and rolled over.
Next, I awoke at 6:00am thinking, "I've got to finish that book." My eyes were bleary and I was sooooo tired. So I put the book down and rolled over.
Finally, I awoke at 7:00am thinking, "I've got to finish that book..." and then, "FINE GOD! I'll finish that darn book if You think it's so important!" And so I finished it. And then I prayed.
Aidan and I got in the car at 8am and after random incidental stops, we were on the road by 8:30. I was stressing out because I had a plan and didn't know if I could or should carry it out. See, Aidan's paternal great-grandmother lives in Eugene (just thirty minutes south of Albany) and I wanted Aidan to have the opportunity to see her.
All I could think was:
"I divorced myself out of this family."
"It's 8:30am, no one will be up."
"I would have to call Aidan's grandmother to get the number."
"I can't pop in with thirty-minutes announcement."
"Will Diego and Kristy get upset?"
"How is she going to act being that I'm the ex-wife of her grandson?"
But still, I just couldn't be all the way up there and not give it the good ol' college try, since she is super old and you never know how long you have 'til The Big Guy calls ya home. What if this is Aidan's last opportunity? So nervously I do it. I call Ann, my ex-mother-in-law. She is happy to hear from me! Really? AWESOME! She gives the the phone number and driving instructions to the house. I call Grandmommy (the great-grandma's name) and request to come over.
It turns out not only is Grandmommy happy to have us stop by, but Aidan's great-uncle Mike from Portland, great-uncle Pat from Tucson (who hadn't been up in a decade) & second-cousin Psalm is there! Aidan got to meet family he hadn't ever met before and some he hadn't seen since he was two (does that even count?). He got to see Psalm's children and we got to see that bashfulness is definitely a genetic trait. Wow! What an opportunity!
What if I had just driven right past Eugene?
What if I had let my fear and pride win?
How awesome for Aidan! How awesome that he is old enough to remember that forgever!
So I was already in awe before I got there. I'm in awe and I can see that this is more than cosmic karma... Then it just keeps going...
Somehow along the way of conversation it was mentioned within those two hours that Aidan and I have been attending church regularly. Uncle Pat asks where we fellowship, and I tell him about The Stirring (www.thestirring.org). Then I tell him about how I believe that everything up to now was devinely intended.
(before I go on- a recap) had Esther & Jenn come, I wouldn't have read The Prayer of Jabez (1 Corinthians 4:9, 10) because we would have left before Melinda had me read it. Had they come we would not have stopped in Eugene. Had they come, my poor stressed out Melinda (mother-of-the-bride) would have not had the energy to have quality time with either of her sisters.
NOW, as I'm telling this to uncle Pat, his wife gets up and leaves the room. When she returns she tells me this story:
The night before she had gone to the store for family movie snacks. She saw this book and felt compelled to buy it. "I already have it" she thought, and put it down. She still had to buy it, and so she did. After hearing my chain of events she went and got it. It's the next book after The Prayer of Jabez (loosely, it's sequal) called A life God Rewards: Why Everything You Do Today Matters Forever and so she inscribed on the first page and gave it to me as she felt I was the reason she bought a book she already owned.
I guess WE had an appointment...
GOD IS AWESOME!
What a chain!
While I'm feeling sorrowful that both sides of my family are canceling on me; while I'm throwing my pity-party thinking about how I spend every holiday either alone or as a guest in a friend's home; while I'm just despondent, dejected and just plain down God brings these events so that He can:
A) Show me that He has a greater plan.
B) Show me love:
a. Karen and her family loved on me (Saturday KareBear also felt compelled to leave me a voice mail telling me I was missed and how inspiring I am with my strength, courage, kind-heart, etc).
b. My sister and her entire maternal side of the family folded me into their arms. Her mom sat with me at the reception, her sister hung out with me and I got to love on her babies. Her daughter was my shadow. My sister and her husband were my friends and supporters.
c. My ex-husband's family made me feel welcome and loved. More welcome and loved than I felt when I was a part of the family in the first place! They loved all over Aidan and told stories that I can remind Aidan of later and even included me in a photo when I was perfectly happy with exclusion.
This is way too much in one weekend to be mere coincidence. This is a testament to GOD!
HE is so good!!!!
Monday, August 27, 2007
What This Woman Wants
So Melissa and I were going back and forth via email today. We were talking about how the month of September should be a month of reflection since my life has been so hectic. So I am copy-and-pasting the last email I sent as I feel like it should be "out there." I dunno, maybe I'm just in a mood today too... who knows... happy reading!
I think that I would rather have a friendship with someone that evolves into more. Then that person is my friend. There's not all that "getting' to know ya" or "are we compatible" jargon. You can feel confident in the relationship because you've had more than that before the romance. Swooning soon fades and you're left with friendship anyway.
I don't want to be surprised with who someone is after the swooning has faded. I don't want that for whoever I'm dating to feel about me. What I want is a friend. A friend that knows how stupid and silly I am because I've never put up those dating walls. A friend who has seen me in my scummy camping clothes, baggy unsexy jammies, feeling sick, or "heaven forbid" held my hair back when I've tossed back one too many (and doesn't think any less of me- for more than that moment). A friend who I know isn't in it for a roll in the hay, but a friend who appreciates me for all the idiosyncrasies, good or bad, that make me who I am. And you know what, even more than that, I want to be able to give all of those things to someone else when that time and person are right.
But how do you do that when you're dating because you think the other person is attractive or clever? How do you do that when you think the person seems like they could be that friend, and then your little heart goes pitter-patter. You don't really know them, nor do they know you. So then the getting to know you stuff is kind of mandatory, right? Is there a way around that? Chilling out with a group of mutual friends? Is that how it works? People who know people you know? People who can vouch for someone's authenticity? But that doesn't stop the second question listed above, does it? Hmmmmm… I dunno.
I don't want to become a fembot. I don't want to learn how to date. I don't want to subconsciously learn the rote systems of dating. I don't want to "tell my story" only to have to tell it again later. I don't want to feel shy.
I like me. I think I'm fun and funny. I just hope that someday I have a friend that thinks so too. No, I know you think so girl. I know that my girlfriends love me for the milk that comes out my nose when I laugh too hard, or ALL THE TIMES I put my foot in my mouth- constantly, good thing I have clean feet from all that slobbering I'm constantly doing while they're in my mouth! But you know what I mean. How do you make a friend like that though? I mean, really, as an adult, how do you just let go and have fun and have it not be a date or have it not have pressure for future sex or romance? (confusing sentence to follow)And how do you come to terms with what you want when that's what you want, but you don't know how to want it or facilitate following it through? I want more than that and I want less at the same time. Does that make any sense at all?
Although I have this high libido, I don't want it to define me. And I don't think it really does- except for a couple days a month when we lock me up! At the same time, I miss not having to control it- remember those days? When we were both in our respective relationships and that was the one good thing: no diseases, no holding back, no abstinence, no worries…
I guess by taking September off school, unplugging my computer, limiting my time on the phone and focusing on myself and my body (marathon training- does this relay REALLY count as a marathon?) I'll have plenty of time for self-reflection and figuring what I want. I know what I want professionally (I think), I know what I want spiritually- to become a better Christian, I know what I want as a mother (this month will help to facilitate achieving some of that), but what do I want in the other arenas?
I know that I have said that I don't want a relationship 'til after school. But a wise person once told me that you can't pick your timing, when the right person is in front of you then you can't say no because it's just not a good time. NOT THAT I HAVE FOUND THE "RIGHT" PERSON. I was just quoting. But ever since he said that it has stuck in my mind. I'm always trying to find meaning to what's going on in my life. I'm always trying to plan my days, weeks, months, year. What would happen if I just didn't? What would happen if I just went with the flow of things?
I know I don't want to be alone forever, but at the same time I'm not really afraid of it either. I would rather be alone than be with a dude just because I didn't know how or want to be alone for the sake of it. This past 'almost year' has been really great! I don't want to be in another tumultuous relationship like those last two. I think that's how or why I want more than that. That is why I'm so picky and why I don't really date and why I don't chase guys or go "boy crazy."
I guess I just want to know where my life is going and I want to feel safe in my life, my love, my heart. But are any of us really safe? Wouldn't complete safety be so totally boring? I do love jumping off the bridge into the water, I do love to try new things, meet new people and I do love a fast rollercoaster ( just don't want to live on one).
I want stability. I want family. I want structure. I want spontenaity. I want excitement. I want a home. I want to travel. I want run fast and far, and then I want to go home and rest.
Well, anyway, enough of that! I'm sooooo looking forward to our marathon! I'm also really excited about our potential rafting trip and our hike up Castle Craggs. We're doing the hike regardless of the raft right? If we can't do the raft then we're hiking and if we do the raft then we're going up the mtn the next day, right? Or I guess I will at least!
Ok, here is my vow to me: I will NOT become a total fembot. I will not allow myself to harden. I will just be me and make friends and not worry about anyone else except Aidan. I will just do my thing. Oh yeah, remember in January when I said, "I will be authentic." Yes, that's just IT! I will be authentic! Forgot, oops, old habits die hard…
Was there a point to this email? No. Just venting. Sorting it all out. Thanks for listening…
I think that I would rather have a friendship with someone that evolves into more. Then that person is my friend. There's not all that "getting' to know ya" or "are we compatible" jargon. You can feel confident in the relationship because you've had more than that before the romance. Swooning soon fades and you're left with friendship anyway.
I don't want to be surprised with who someone is after the swooning has faded. I don't want that for whoever I'm dating to feel about me. What I want is a friend. A friend that knows how stupid and silly I am because I've never put up those dating walls. A friend who has seen me in my scummy camping clothes, baggy unsexy jammies, feeling sick, or "heaven forbid" held my hair back when I've tossed back one too many (and doesn't think any less of me- for more than that moment). A friend who I know isn't in it for a roll in the hay, but a friend who appreciates me for all the idiosyncrasies, good or bad, that make me who I am. And you know what, even more than that, I want to be able to give all of those things to someone else when that time and person are right.
But how do you do that when you're dating because you think the other person is attractive or clever? How do you do that when you think the person seems like they could be that friend, and then your little heart goes pitter-patter. You don't really know them, nor do they know you. So then the getting to know you stuff is kind of mandatory, right? Is there a way around that? Chilling out with a group of mutual friends? Is that how it works? People who know people you know? People who can vouch for someone's authenticity? But that doesn't stop the second question listed above, does it? Hmmmmm… I dunno.
I don't want to become a fembot. I don't want to learn how to date. I don't want to subconsciously learn the rote systems of dating. I don't want to "tell my story" only to have to tell it again later. I don't want to feel shy.
I like me. I think I'm fun and funny. I just hope that someday I have a friend that thinks so too. No, I know you think so girl. I know that my girlfriends love me for the milk that comes out my nose when I laugh too hard, or ALL THE TIMES I put my foot in my mouth- constantly, good thing I have clean feet from all that slobbering I'm constantly doing while they're in my mouth! But you know what I mean. How do you make a friend like that though? I mean, really, as an adult, how do you just let go and have fun and have it not be a date or have it not have pressure for future sex or romance? (confusing sentence to follow)And how do you come to terms with what you want when that's what you want, but you don't know how to want it or facilitate following it through? I want more than that and I want less at the same time. Does that make any sense at all?
Although I have this high libido, I don't want it to define me. And I don't think it really does- except for a couple days a month when we lock me up! At the same time, I miss not having to control it- remember those days? When we were both in our respective relationships and that was the one good thing: no diseases, no holding back, no abstinence, no worries…
I guess by taking September off school, unplugging my computer, limiting my time on the phone and focusing on myself and my body (marathon training- does this relay REALLY count as a marathon?) I'll have plenty of time for self-reflection and figuring what I want. I know what I want professionally (I think), I know what I want spiritually- to become a better Christian, I know what I want as a mother (this month will help to facilitate achieving some of that), but what do I want in the other arenas?
I know that I have said that I don't want a relationship 'til after school. But a wise person once told me that you can't pick your timing, when the right person is in front of you then you can't say no because it's just not a good time. NOT THAT I HAVE FOUND THE "RIGHT" PERSON. I was just quoting. But ever since he said that it has stuck in my mind. I'm always trying to find meaning to what's going on in my life. I'm always trying to plan my days, weeks, months, year. What would happen if I just didn't? What would happen if I just went with the flow of things?
I know I don't want to be alone forever, but at the same time I'm not really afraid of it either. I would rather be alone than be with a dude just because I didn't know how or want to be alone for the sake of it. This past 'almost year' has been really great! I don't want to be in another tumultuous relationship like those last two. I think that's how or why I want more than that. That is why I'm so picky and why I don't really date and why I don't chase guys or go "boy crazy."
I guess I just want to know where my life is going and I want to feel safe in my life, my love, my heart. But are any of us really safe? Wouldn't complete safety be so totally boring? I do love jumping off the bridge into the water, I do love to try new things, meet new people and I do love a fast rollercoaster ( just don't want to live on one).
I want stability. I want family. I want structure. I want spontenaity. I want excitement. I want a home. I want to travel. I want run fast and far, and then I want to go home and rest.
Well, anyway, enough of that! I'm sooooo looking forward to our marathon! I'm also really excited about our potential rafting trip and our hike up Castle Craggs. We're doing the hike regardless of the raft right? If we can't do the raft then we're hiking and if we do the raft then we're going up the mtn the next day, right? Or I guess I will at least!
Ok, here is my vow to me: I will NOT become a total fembot. I will not allow myself to harden. I will just be me and make friends and not worry about anyone else except Aidan. I will just do my thing. Oh yeah, remember in January when I said, "I will be authentic." Yes, that's just IT! I will be authentic! Forgot, oops, old habits die hard…
Was there a point to this email? No. Just venting. Sorting it all out. Thanks for listening…
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Love Hurts, Friends Heal
I have this girlfriend who I regularly talk to via email. In many respects we are in the same place in our lives. She has given me some sage advice and in turn I do what I can to reciprocate (not that I'm exactly qualified!). I also have a couple other girlfriends on here who have been feeling indecisive in their respective love lives. So, I decided that maybe some of you could benefit from my conversation with Mandy (*names have been changed to protect the innocent):
Jessie said:
I think I've said those very same words. It's so hard when we can see the wonderful POTENTIAL in a person. The thing is, when I look at some intelligent, bright girlfriends who are filled with potential and see how they CHOOSE to live their lives I have to also apply that to the love in my life. Think of all the people whose potential goes unfulfilled. How arrogant of women like us to think we could inspire someone to reach their potential just because we want them to and we believe in them. They have to believe in themselves.
On a grander scale, it would be considered codependence. Of course, we see it and disassociate ourselves rather than continue the pattern- so we're not codependent.
I know you love him. It's okay to keep loving him too. There are reasons you fell in love with him. Mandy, you are such a smart, loving, witty, caring woman. You wouldn't choose to spend your time and your heart on someone who wasn't worth it in some way. You are also strong, intelligent and self-aware enough to know when he is going to start pulling you down to his level rather than rising to yours. You have been through heartache and heartbreak and you have grown stronger and more resilient every time. You already know that you will move on and find a man worthy of you when He deems it necessary.
Tom brought you back to God, he served His purpose. Maybe leaving him and his childish ways will be what Tom* needs in order to reach his own potential. Maybe leaving him and his childish ways will open you up to that wonderful person that God is preparing to place in front of you. Maybe Tom's timing bringing you to God and keeping you from Billy (nonbeliever) is exactly what you needed at that time. You wouldn't have grown toward God but rather away from him had you and Billy gotten together at that time.
But maybe this is a new time.
You were floating around in your raft. You had your oars but no direction in which to paddle.
You were floating in indecisiveness. Now you can grab those oars, throw the stone from the boat, and move in the direction you know you WANT to go. How great does it feel to be on your way? How great does it feel to have a destination? How great does it feel that you don't NEED anyone to get you there?
When romance comes your way it will be because you want it. It will be because it's right. It will not be a test or a ploy to get something from each other (other than the usual that you grow and learn together in your love).
I SEE YOUR POTENTIAL! I know you can and will rise to it! Just like a lover can see the good and can be inspired to nourish her love's potential- a friend can do the same. And Mandy, you have it girl. You are meant for good things in this life.
You are not your job. You are not your friends. You are not your boyfriend. You are a wonderful, independent woman autonomous from all that is around you while simultaneously influencing and being affected by all those in your life.
You live just like your signature line says: Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.- George Eliot
Have a great and inspirational day! Chin up, good things are coming your way!
(me, august 11th!!! Ha!)
Jessiedoll
Mandy says:
Yeah, I haven't really figured out how I'm going to handle the part of my heart that's still in love with him.
Jessie says:
Sigh.You handle it with gentle, loving hands. You protect it safely in those hands while you stroke that love and let it melt by the wayside. You let the romantic love melt away and filter through your fingers while you hold onto all the good things that you got out of being in that relationship. You can hold onto the human love and the friendship love. That's the same way you handle his heart when you see him at church.
You sit on the other side. You go to a different service. You handle your heart the way your heart loves you to handle it.
Mandy says:
"You handle your heart the way your heart loves you to handle it."
So very true. My heart will tell me how to handle it. Thanks Jess.
Jessie said:
I think I've said those very same words. It's so hard when we can see the wonderful POTENTIAL in a person. The thing is, when I look at some intelligent, bright girlfriends who are filled with potential and see how they CHOOSE to live their lives I have to also apply that to the love in my life. Think of all the people whose potential goes unfulfilled. How arrogant of women like us to think we could inspire someone to reach their potential just because we want them to and we believe in them. They have to believe in themselves.
On a grander scale, it would be considered codependence. Of course, we see it and disassociate ourselves rather than continue the pattern- so we're not codependent.
I know you love him. It's okay to keep loving him too. There are reasons you fell in love with him. Mandy, you are such a smart, loving, witty, caring woman. You wouldn't choose to spend your time and your heart on someone who wasn't worth it in some way. You are also strong, intelligent and self-aware enough to know when he is going to start pulling you down to his level rather than rising to yours. You have been through heartache and heartbreak and you have grown stronger and more resilient every time. You already know that you will move on and find a man worthy of you when He deems it necessary.
Tom brought you back to God, he served His purpose. Maybe leaving him and his childish ways will be what Tom* needs in order to reach his own potential. Maybe leaving him and his childish ways will open you up to that wonderful person that God is preparing to place in front of you. Maybe Tom's timing bringing you to God and keeping you from Billy (nonbeliever) is exactly what you needed at that time. You wouldn't have grown toward God but rather away from him had you and Billy gotten together at that time.
But maybe this is a new time.
You were floating around in your raft. You had your oars but no direction in which to paddle.
You were floating in indecisiveness. Now you can grab those oars, throw the stone from the boat, and move in the direction you know you WANT to go. How great does it feel to be on your way? How great does it feel to have a destination? How great does it feel that you don't NEED anyone to get you there?
When romance comes your way it will be because you want it. It will be because it's right. It will not be a test or a ploy to get something from each other (other than the usual that you grow and learn together in your love).
I SEE YOUR POTENTIAL! I know you can and will rise to it! Just like a lover can see the good and can be inspired to nourish her love's potential- a friend can do the same. And Mandy, you have it girl. You are meant for good things in this life.
You are not your job. You are not your friends. You are not your boyfriend. You are a wonderful, independent woman autonomous from all that is around you while simultaneously influencing and being affected by all those in your life.
You live just like your signature line says: Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.- George Eliot
Have a great and inspirational day! Chin up, good things are coming your way!
(me, august 11th!!! Ha!)
Jessiedoll
Mandy says:
Yeah, I haven't really figured out how I'm going to handle the part of my heart that's still in love with him.
Jessie says:
Sigh.You handle it with gentle, loving hands. You protect it safely in those hands while you stroke that love and let it melt by the wayside. You let the romantic love melt away and filter through your fingers while you hold onto all the good things that you got out of being in that relationship. You can hold onto the human love and the friendship love. That's the same way you handle his heart when you see him at church.
You sit on the other side. You go to a different service. You handle your heart the way your heart loves you to handle it.
Mandy says:
"You handle your heart the way your heart loves you to handle it."
So very true. My heart will tell me how to handle it. Thanks Jess.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Silly Willy
I am in the silliest mood right now. Why does this plague me at 1:08am?
Am I not good enough to suffer with the sniffles? To stay awake because I've caught the cleaning bug and when I waken to a sparkling apartment I will be blessed with a sense of accomplishment. Alas, No!
The sillies. That is my fate. Sinking in the mire of 'goofy' alone. Have you ever mucked through this mud? Yes, mud. Because I'm stuck in it! To be wide awake, for your eyes to rebel from sleep and your mind to mock the hour, to find everything you read to be a source of supreme humor and thus perpetuating the cycle of insomnia. Do you know that?
No, it's not the introspective, pondering of lying in bed while sleep evades you. That's not funny. There's no humor in that torture, that's just sad. No, my night is filled with intrigue, sarcasm, and lame dudes looking for some cyber-strange. These are my favorites. They just don't get it.
When a girl responds asking you if you've named your biceps "Law" and "Order" you probably shouldn't respond back with another stupid pickup line. Maybe pick up your pride, put it in your pocket and shuffle off to bed. Cheers to ya!
This silly willy is going to try to get some shut eye. Hey, maybe I'll have sweet dreams!
Am I not good enough to suffer with the sniffles? To stay awake because I've caught the cleaning bug and when I waken to a sparkling apartment I will be blessed with a sense of accomplishment. Alas, No!
The sillies. That is my fate. Sinking in the mire of 'goofy' alone. Have you ever mucked through this mud? Yes, mud. Because I'm stuck in it! To be wide awake, for your eyes to rebel from sleep and your mind to mock the hour, to find everything you read to be a source of supreme humor and thus perpetuating the cycle of insomnia. Do you know that?
No, it's not the introspective, pondering of lying in bed while sleep evades you. That's not funny. There's no humor in that torture, that's just sad. No, my night is filled with intrigue, sarcasm, and lame dudes looking for some cyber-strange. These are my favorites. They just don't get it.
When a girl responds asking you if you've named your biceps "Law" and "Order" you probably shouldn't respond back with another stupid pickup line. Maybe pick up your pride, put it in your pocket and shuffle off to bed. Cheers to ya!
This silly willy is going to try to get some shut eye. Hey, maybe I'll have sweet dreams!
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